Bluerobin
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Post by Bluerobin on Aug 8, 2012 9:42:00 GMT -5
Try this, but get DH to agree and tell him there is NO backtracking: MIL, we do appreciate your imput because you mean well and at times have been a great help to us. However, from now on we will make our own decisions in our family. If you want to remain part of our family, you will respect our wishes. If not, so be it. Here is hoping you both get jobs out of state!
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 9:44:06 GMT -5
Good, that makes it easier then. Find a way to talk about it in a pleasant way. "hey, MIL! So I heard that you're trying to control my life by playing martyr to your son! And how about those Mets?" You know she likes the kid, so you talk about the kid, the fun things she does with him, etc. You talk about the playdates you set up with other kids. You transition into how much he loves playing with other babies, how you want to make sure he gets properly socialized...for his sake. You talk about how much you appreciate her watching him and what would make her feel appreciated. That you don't want to be an inconvenience or make her feel like she can't make other plans. What you DON'T do is tell her "we've decided you're only watching him 3 days a week now for free, that's the decision, now you fall in line woman!". You sound angry, and you sound like you're more worried about winning a fight than in getting what you want. You catch more flies with honey.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:44:35 GMT -5
So the bottom line here is you had a child you can't afford to care for without the help of a 3rd party, but you want that 3rd party to be a mute basically. Your husband is the devil for trying to keep two strong minded women from going at each other. What an asshole he is.
#rolledmyeyesstraightoutofmyskull
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:44:58 GMT -5
::Basically we were forced to do whatever MIL/GIL wanted to do:: On a weekend trip for HER birthday? That's what I would have expected. ::We split from the group one afternoon and did our own thing with DS.:: One afternoon out of 2? Or was it more than a weekend? I'm not saying you were in the wrong, but I'm not surprised she got upset. You went on a trip for her birthday that they apparently paid for. And then decided you were going off to do your own thing for an afternoon ( again, I'm assuming 2 afternoons total for the weekend). ::Basically we were forced to do whatever MIL/GIL wanted to do and there was basically no regard for the fact that we had a baby in tow.:: Like what? What I'm getting at is there's a big difference I think between "we have a baby, he needs a nap, we've gotta go back to the room for a couple hours so he can get his nap in" and "we're gonna go off and do our own thing today". not considering that we have a baby in tow: 1) insisting that we eat dinner later (7/7:30) at nice restaurants - he's a baby so he yells, grabs stuff, and doesn't sit still 2) insisting that we drive everywhere so that we have to get him packed and unpacked several times per day 3) activities they wanted to do were not baby friendly (going on a trolley tour, antiquing) If they wanted us to come, shouldn't the fact that we have a baby have been taken into consideration? We don't just force DS to fit into our lives, nor do we revolve our entire lives around him - we do both. No one seemed to understand our approach to how we treat DS.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 9:45:54 GMT -5
::However, from now on we will make our own decisions in our family.::
You don't get to make "your own decisions" when "your own decisions" mean telling someone else when, where, and how you have decided they will be doing you favors. Talk about unappreciated.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 8, 2012 9:46:42 GMT -5
I send "thank you" cards to my MIL. But I do it "from the boys". So, I'll take a piece of paper, stick a crayon in their hands and they make pics for grandma and grandpa. sometimes I include a handwritten note FROM THEM and sometimes I include a gift card somewhere. It accomplishes two things - 1 - let's them know that I am not a complete bitch and do remember that they are my DH's parents blah blah blah and 2 - gives them something to smile about and marvel how smart and talented their grandchildren are. To me - simple, thoughtful and nice. Try it. Send her a "thank you" card from Joey for a wonderful weekend he had with his grandparents. She might want to talk to you non-stop after that
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:47:31 GMT -5
"hey, MIL! So I heard that you're trying to control my life by playing martyr to your son! And how about those Mets?" You know she likes the kid, so you talk about the kid, the fun things she does with him, etc. You talk about the playdates you set up with other kids. You transition into how much he loves playing with other babies, how you want to make sure he gets properly socialized...for his sake. You talk about how much you appreciate her watching him and what would make her feel appreciated. That you don't want to be an inconvenience or make her feel like she can't make other plans. What you DON'T do is tell her "we've decided you're only watching him 3 days a week now for free, that's the decision, now you fall in line woman!". You sound angry, and you sound like you're more worried about winning a fight than in getting what you want. You catch more flies with honey. Yes yes yes, I totally agree and THAT is how I wanted to approach the topic with her. But now that DH has already spoken to her about it, her whole perception is skewed. and of course I sound angry, but I know how to NOT sound angry IRL!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:48:48 GMT -5
When you accept and/or rely on financial gifts (free daycare qualifies as a financial gift) from parents you sell your autonomy to them. Some parents are very generous with how they respond to that and some are very demanding. The only way out is to pay your own way.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 9:50:41 GMT -5
::not considering that we have a baby in tow: 1) insisting that we eat dinner later (7/7:30) at nice restaurants - he's a baby so he yells, grabs stuff, and doesn't sit still 2) insisting that we drive everywhere so that we have to get him packed and unpacked several times per day 3) activities they wanted to do were not baby friendly (going on a trolley tour, antiquing)::
I dont' have kids, but I don't see much issue with these. I was thinking more along the lines of they wouldn't allow you to do things liek put him to bed, give him a nap, etc. Instead it just sounds like the activities they chose were inconvenient for you and required you to make some accomodations. Of course if I had a kid I'd probably be pissed about it if my kid was crying.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 8, 2012 9:50:42 GMT -5
"but she WAS included!!!!! We did ask her opinion on things like food and stuff, where we should have it, etc. I feel that she does enough and that planning the party is something that WE should do. So now we are unappreciative? Apparently we just can't win. Everything we do is wrong.
Basically we were forced to do whatever MIL/GIL wanted to do and there was basically no regard for the fact that we had a baby in tow. We split from the group one afternoon and did our own thing with DS. It was nice. But apparently "doing your own thing" on a family trip with them is akin to killing puppies. So MIL was pissed about that too."
OMG this is my mother. Seriously. Literally I could not do anything that would please her. My solution was to move far away and visit rarely. I think your best bet is to try to figure out a different child care situation ASAP.
Unfortunately people who are like this are just like this. It's a personality thing and impossible to change. My mom is now 83 and continues to be the unhappiest person I know. No one does exactly what she wants them to, no one does enough for her, we are all, everyone of us, failures. It wears me out to visit her and have to listen to her airing of the grievances.
I'm sure most of the people on this board have normal-ish parents and inlaws who aren't this way and think that a little extra coaxing and coddling will improve the situation. It won't, it will just make MIL crave more coaxing and coddling. You can't ever win. You just learn to stop caring.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 9:51:07 GMT -5
WTH? It's a freakin' birthday party, not a wedding.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 9:52:47 GMT -5
::Yes yes yes, I totally agree and THAT is how I wanted to approach the topic with her. But now that DH has already spoken to her about it, her whole perception is skewed.::
So that makes it harder. I understand why it's frustrating. But that doesn't change the approach. It's just tougher.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:54:56 GMT -5
Just get rid of DH and MIL and hook your wagon to NCG.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:55:17 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:57:49 GMT -5
::not considering that we have a baby in tow: 1) insisting that we eat dinner later (7/7:30) at nice restaurants - he's a baby so he yells, grabs stuff, and doesn't sit still 2) insisting that we drive everywhere so that we have to get him packed and unpacked several times per day 3) activities they wanted to do were not baby friendly (going on a trolley tour, antiquing):: I dont' have kids, but I don't see much issue with these. wait until you do. Then you will realize how seemingly normal activities become a huge PITA.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Aug 8, 2012 9:58:14 GMT -5
Just ditch the fam and run off with sexy work intern guy to whom you've professed your undying love, and watch all of these problems just melt away! The downward spiral has obviously begun and it's prety much inevitable at this point. You can say it ain't so, but get back to me in a year and we'll see. (Oh BTW, IRL you disgust me. Just kidding! Or am I? Yes I am! No I'm not. Nobody knows! )
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Bluerobin
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Post by Bluerobin on Aug 8, 2012 9:58:48 GMT -5
Just get rid of DH and MIL and hook your wagon to NCG. Either that or become your MIL and tell DH and her how things will be.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:59:37 GMT -5
oh yeah, that will make it all better! We can live on love - and food stamps!
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Aug 8, 2012 10:00:42 GMT -5
::not considering that we have a baby in tow: 1) insisting that we eat dinner later (7/7:30) at nice restaurants - he's a baby so he yells, grabs stuff, and doesn't sit still 2) insisting that we drive everywhere so that we have to get him packed and unpacked several times per day 3) activities they wanted to do were not baby friendly (going on a trolley tour, antiquing):: I dont' have kids, but I don't see much issue with these. wait until you do. Then you will realize how seemingly normal activities become a huge PITA. What Cape May activity would have been baby and grandma friendly? I don't know about Trolley rides, but I see people bring babies to antique shows and malls all the time.
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Bluerobin
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Post by Bluerobin on Aug 8, 2012 10:01:05 GMT -5
oh yeah, that will make it all better! We can live on love - and food stamps! Don't forget child support and welfare.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 10:01:45 GMT -5
::not considering that we have a baby in tow: 1) insisting that we eat dinner later (7/7:30) at nice restaurants - he's a baby so he yells, grabs stuff, and doesn't sit still 2) insisting that we drive everywhere so that we have to get him packed and unpacked several times per day 3) activities they wanted to do were not baby friendly (going on a trolley tour, antiquing):: I dont' have kids, but I don't see much issue with these. wait until you do. Then you will realize how seemingly normal activities become a huge PITA. It also depends on the kid. My first could be taken anywhere. He was quiet and happy and rarely made a noise and slept a lot. My second is demon spawn. She yells, runs around, is a drama queen, grabs things, and is generally pretty tough to control.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:02:48 GMT -5
WTH? It's a freakin' birthday party, not a wedding. To you and MoneyJenny yes, to the mother obviously not. You know who watches your kids for 8 hours a day and get no say... A babysitter or daycare provider which is what the grandmother feels she is being treated as. Would it kill MoneyJenny to have included her? Le her pick some of the party favors? Decorations? I doubt it. The woman just want to be seen/acknowledged as more then just a babysitter/daycare provider but "grandma" She is saving them 15k/year or so, that is the least they can do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:03:18 GMT -5
wait until you do. Then you will realize how seemingly normal activities become a huge PITA. It also depends on the kid. My first could be taken anywhere. He was quiet and happy and rarely made a noise and slept a lot. My second is demon spawn. She yells, runs around, is a drama queen, grabs things, and is generally pretty tough to control. you need these:
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Aug 8, 2012 10:04:10 GMT -5
Just get rid of DH and MIL and hook your wagon to NCG.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:05:53 GMT -5
Carl, I really thought that she does more than enough - I could plan the party and they can enjoy it. Why is that concept so foreign? I am not from a crazy ass family so I guess I will never understand.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Aug 8, 2012 10:06:02 GMT -5
oh yeah, that will make it all better! We can live on love - and food stamps! Don't forget child support and welfare. Plus you can probably take DH for every red cent. Don't forget that he's the evil evil man and you're the innocent woman who was led astray into the arms of another. Play that trump card with the courts and soon you'll be sipping tropical drinks on the beach in Tahiti with your new boy toy while DH is working job #8 in order to pay your room service tab.
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Aug 8, 2012 10:06:10 GMT -5
wait until you do. Then you will realize how seemingly normal activities become a huge PITA. It also depends on the kid. My first could be taken anywhere. He was quiet and happy and rarely made a noise and slept a lot. My second is demon spawn. So you're either a demon...or you slept with one??
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 10:07:56 GMT -5
It also depends on the kid. My first could be taken anywhere. He was quiet and happy and rarely made a noise and slept a lot. My second is demon spawn. So you're either a demon...or you slept with one?? we're both demons.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:08:10 GMT -5
Don't forget child support and welfare. Plus you can probably take DH for every red cent. Don't forget that he's the evil evil man and you're the innocent woman who was led astray into the arms of another. Play that trump card with the courts and soon you'll be sipping tropical drinks on the beach in Tahiti with your new boy toy while DH is working job #8 in order to pay your room service tab. Best. post. ever.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 10:09:27 GMT -5
Carl, I really thought that she does more than enough - I could plan the party and they can enjoy it. Why is that concept so foreign? I am not from a crazy ass family so I guess I will never understand. I really don't get into party planning. I don't do themes, I don't give a rat's ass about decorations, and I don't knock myself out making "everything perfect" because there is no such thing as perfect. I want my guests to enjoy good food, good music, and good company. It wouldn't even occur to me to consult with my mom or my MIL on planning my kid's birthday party.
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