Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 24, 2012 13:31:45 GMT -5
I'm just curious as to how people feel about those who have strict ways of behaving and punish people for not following their rules. Yes this is inspired by Rukh's thread because I've found people who feel you have to act the way they would have are generally unforgiving and rarely tell you what line you crossed before they start treating you differently.
What say you? Is it a good policy to judge others solely based on what you feel you would have done?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 24, 2012 13:38:37 GMT -5
First I try to decide whether it's "my" rule that's being broken, or society's rule. Some things are pretty clearly wrong - abuse, murder, theft. Others are sort of personal prejudices of mine that not everyone has, so I try to ease up on those.
Then I try to put myself in the other person's shoes. It's easy to forget that not everyone has the same frames of reference, knowledge, options, what have you, so their thinking process is much different from mine. And it's also easy to jump all over someone for doing something or not doing something when you don't have all the pieces of the story. (A perfect example is McQueary with Penn State. Yes, he should have reported what he saw - but as someone familiar with campus security policies, I can understand why he didn't, and think that even if he had, nothing would've come of it. Colleges are very, very good at controlling what information gets out. So I'm not as quick to jump on the "he should be in jail" train).
But yes, sometimes I still judge people for not doing what I would've done. I think we all do on occasion.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 24, 2012 13:40:03 GMT -5
I try not to, but I do. Anybody who says they never have is lying. But no, it's not a good policy.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 24, 2012 13:43:45 GMT -5
Birds of a feather, I guess. When someone in your life does something that is so far outside your comfort zone, you wonder if this is a person you should trust, because obviously they don't think the way you do or have the same values as you. Once you stop trusting someone, it is hard to have a decent relationship with them, and it all falls apart from there.
I never really thought about 'trust' on a deep level until recently. Now I realize how much of yourself you put out there and how much damage people can do to you, so you have to be on-guard. And if you can't isolate the lack of trust to one area, the friendship can become very superficial all the time. My example is my friends who got drunk together and had a knock-down fight. Afterwards, one friend was going around saying the other one was acting suspiciously around children and he might do something bad to my kids. I found I had a really hard time trusting the friend who was spreading the rumor. I am terrified to have a drink with them, because if I get fiesty I have no idea what kind of shit they will say behind my back. But because I threw up that wall, I found that even casual conversations with them became somewhat strained. Trust is very important.
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moxie
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Post by moxie on Jul 24, 2012 13:45:44 GMT -5
"What say you? Is it a good policy to judge others solely based on what you feel you would have done?" Yep! BITE ME!! ;D Just messin' with ya...
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moxie
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Post by moxie on Jul 24, 2012 13:46:43 GMT -5
If what others do doesn't have an effect on me...I don't really care...I have enough to worry about.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 24, 2012 13:48:40 GMT -5
Some things are clearly wrong, as JD put it. There isn't always a relative morality. Things like murder, theft, rape, drunk driving ect, there's no excuse for those and I will judge the person.
For things that aren't so clearly defined, I judge the actions and not the person. Some people make foolish choices, like giving a deadbeat relative money or co signing a loan for said deadbeat relative. In cases like those where people make the wrong decision, I judge the actions and not the person.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 24, 2012 13:50:09 GMT -5
I don't judge people by what they say. I judge people by how they act.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2012 13:50:24 GMT -5
We all make judgements. There is nothing wrong in doing so. Everyone does. I must say though, i have enough of myself to work on than to worry about what someone else is doing. And, I am surprised at the number of people on this board who suggest dropping one's friends if they don't live, spend or do things exactly as you do.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 24, 2012 13:51:13 GMT -5
"If what others do doesn't have an effect on me...I don't really care...I have enough to worry about."
So you don't care about the dozen or so people that were gunned down in Colorado recently? After all it didn't affect you.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 24, 2012 13:52:03 GMT -5
Would you be friends with a doctor that prepared the lethal injections for death row?
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 24, 2012 13:53:09 GMT -5
We all form judgements about those around us. It's how we keep safe and decide who to trust and who not to trust.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 24, 2012 13:54:09 GMT -5
"Would you be friends with a doctor that prepared the lethal injections for death row?"
Sure, why not? I don't see lethal injections sanctioned by law the same as murder. Though to be fair I don't agree with capital punishment, but that's not part of this conversation.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 24, 2012 13:55:18 GMT -5
Birds of a feather, I guess. When someone in your life does something that is so far outside your comfort zone, you wonder if this is a person you should trust, because obviously they don't think the way you do or have the same values as you. Once you stop trusting someone, it is hard to have a decent relationship with them, and it all falls apart from there. I never really thought about 'trust' on a deep level until recently. Now I realize how much of yourself you put out there and how much damage people can do to you, so you have to be on-guard. And if you can't isolate the lack of trust to one area, the friendship can become very superficial all the time. My example is my friends who got drunk together and had a knock-down fight. Afterwards, one friend was going around saying the other one was acting suspiciously around children and he might do something bad to my kids. I found I had a really hard time trusting the friend who was spreading the rumor. I am terrified to have a drink with them, because if I get fiesty I have no idea what kind of shit they will say behind my back. But because I threw up that wall, I found that even casual conversations with them became somewhat strained. Trust is very important. I agree if you have someone that turns out to love lying for their own benefit it is good to cut them out of your life or be very very careful around them. I don't think like most people and I've found it very interesting when I ask people what they believe and why because sometime the answers surprise me. Not in a bad way. Just kind of Huh, I never expected that. It just reminds me we all have our scripts running in our head and the outside behavior could be because of many different reasons.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2012 13:55:29 GMT -5
I think in the world of TMI, most of us would be happier if we simply minded our own business most of the time. If it doesn't concern you, then it doesn't concern you.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jul 24, 2012 14:01:56 GMT -5
I don't like judgmental people who talk about me being bad.
I have been shacking up 26 years and two nieces have thought that was awful that I would have sex without marriage. One was sleeping with her boyfriend but it was different because they were engaged. The other was saving herself for marriage, both were young judgmental women who believed people should be perfect according to their religion. They probably think people who love the same gender people should never have any relationships because they think it is wrong.
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Post by babble on Jul 24, 2012 14:18:38 GMT -5
If someone crosses me, let the judging begin.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 24, 2012 14:28:35 GMT -5
I do, but then again consider my sig.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2012 14:42:48 GMT -5
Dark - LOL about your sig.
(In Dark's defense, he did send me a nice PM once and I can clearly see he is a nice guy with good intentions. Perhaps a bit blunt at times, but no more so than many others here.)
I was reading a thread between Dark and Firebird when one of my kids was standing there. He asked why everyone is an asshole in someone's signature on my message board. LOL
I have a lot of judgmental people in my life, but I tend to ignore most of them and try to hold them at an arms length when at all possible.
I am actively learning how to not judge other people because I do not like/appreciate being judged by others.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 24, 2012 14:48:39 GMT -5
May be I am too skeptical or may be I am just guilty of everything described in OP, but I think it's extremely hard not to judge people by your measures. Putting yourself in another person's shoes is also extremely hard, especially when the event is happening. You might be able to re-evaluate things later one, but in the moment, I think very very VERY few people are capable of doing it. May be I just know really yucky people Lena
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 24, 2012 21:52:23 GMT -5
I guess my opinion on judgmental people in general is shaped by my opposition to blanket statements. The "anyone who does X is a Y" kind.
There are a few people I know in real life (not to mention posters here) who have very strong, pronounced opinions on every subject under the sun and won't entertain any discussion that counters their beliefs.
We all judge. We all judge unfairly at times. And our own frame of reference is the one with which we're most familiar, so of course we often judge based on what we would have done in the same situation. But it's the people who won't shake their judgments, even when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, who get to me me.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Jul 24, 2012 22:31:19 GMT -5
Yeah, I judge, sometimes. I've had a discussion with a coworker once and I said I think someone who can walk away from their kid and never have anything to do with them is a piece of shit. Then he reminded me he had done this with his daughter. I said "yes, and you're a piece of shit for that". I got a "but..." and I said I didn't care, and I didn't blame his daughter for not telling him she got married (he found out about it later and said "if she would have told me I would have sent her money" after bitching about her--I explained she didn't want his money, she had wanted a father). Anyway, the guy proved to be a piece of shit more many, many more reasons, but that was the first one I pointed out to him. I think he was surprised I didn't take it back. There are some things I just won't condone or agree with, especially when I've had to see or deal with the effects of certain actions.
Oh, and I could totally be friends with the doctor who mixes the cocktail.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2012 22:48:24 GMT -5
I judge to the extent that this is not someone I want to spend time with. As I get older I get less and less concerned about what other people are doing other than deciding how much I want them in my world. I think experience has taught me that very few things cause real harm. There is very little that I or people I know have encountered that they don't have the power to deal with as adults and proceed to have happy and productive lives.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jul 24, 2012 22:53:32 GMT -5
I don't like judgmental people who talk about me being bad. I have been shacking up 26 years and two nieces have thought that was awful that I would have sex without marriage. One was sleeping with her boyfriend but it was different because they were engaged. The other was saving herself for marriage, both were young judgmental women who believed people should be perfect according to their religion. They probably think people who love the same gender people should never have any relationships because they think it is wrong. But it's ok for you to talk about THEM being "bad" and judgemental? I think what you (and most people) actually don't like is finding out they were talking about you being bad, which is why you feel ok talking about it behind their back in a way which will probably never get back to them. (I don't have better words than "behind their back", but I mean it in a very specific way as in they won't find out, it's not to family, it's not to friends, it's to "strangers", though it's still judgemental).
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2012 23:25:07 GMT -5
Every human is judgemental - especially the ones who think they aren't.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Jul 24, 2012 23:40:51 GMT -5
I am surrounded by good people, who I think judge me the same way I judge them. You are good, really good, you have all sorts of qualities, skills and charming traits. But I am better
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 25, 2012 6:38:05 GMT -5
I not know. I've been thinking about asking about a situation I'm confronted with right now. I'm "judging" them by simply not wanting to be around them. I'm okay with being around their kids or even their mom and the kids but I flat out have ZERO interest in being around the husband. He's a louse, for many reasons. Including quitting his job with no other job in sight with 4 mouths to feed and bills to pay because he didn't like working. Ack! Not that many people do and I'm all for it if you're unhappy to start looking but he has been unemployed now for several months. Because bank of mom and dad are open, he's in no hurry because they won't let his wife and children starve or lose the roof over their head so he's safe. I'm all for feeding the kids by taking them out or bringing them to our place but not him, period. So I won't visit or whatever because visiting means bringing over a meal with us when we visit. I don't like the situation and I don't want to be around it or contribute to it. Now she's wondering why her son is acting up? You're kidding me, right? Besides the financial issues and kids know when dad isn't working, the tension in that house must be thick as smoke. They've been up north living off DFs EX most of the summer and even she is tired of it. I tell DF to go see them or meet them for ice cream but that to tell them I'm busy with my emergency group or something. I know he is getting embarrassed that I have zero interest in seeing them and make excuses as to why I can't. I'm willing to take the kids back to school shopping but I'm not willing to do a thing for the parents, period. So I'm judgmental.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Jul 25, 2012 6:49:39 GMT -5
.....It just reminds me we all have our scripts running in our head and the outside behavior could be because of many different reasons. Yes, I like the way you put that. Most often we want information so that we can compare ourselves to each other. Often the motivation behind judgment. [ Disclaimer: This is not a reference to horrific crimes] "I would never do something like that" "I can't imagine how someone could do that?" "How messed up do you have to be to think that way?" "I can't believe she didn't tell me or do something to stop it?" .....................
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Jul 25, 2012 6:52:26 GMT -5
Wow? Zib, I'd never noticed that in any of your postings.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 25, 2012 7:07:57 GMT -5
Sadly, I'm judgmental. I admit it. I think it's part of human nature, though.
DH announced last night his cousin is coming to town soon for a family visit. This woman really really annoys me, for a variety of reasons. I would rather stick a fork in my eye than spend a Sunday afternoon visiting with her.
However, one good thing is she's the kind of person who monopolizes the conversation and makes it all about her. Which means I won't be obligated to participate in much small talk. I can sit there politely with a glazed look on my face, which is what I do every time I encounter her, so she probably thinks I'm mentally challenged or on some serious medications.
So we're mutually judging each other LOL.
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