it's my mom.... (vent)

[Deleted]

She has done so much for me growing up (up until I got married) - way more than she needed to. She just said it was her job to make sure that I was okay, and she definitely did that. I never consciously tried to take advantage of her generousity, and I haven't asked her for a penny since. In fact, I've tried to give her advice about reducing some of her costs when she expressed concern about her finances (thanks to DH and YM). She doesn't follow it, of course. Even with her financial shortcomings, she can support herself just fine.

Enter her sister - DA.

After my mom's divorce from SD about 10 years ago, she moved in with DA. DA has a 3 bed 1 bath house, so no problem. Well in the last few years, DA's employer cut her back to part time, and she hasn't tried to find a new/another job. Then he stopped paying her regularly (due to poor business), and yet she is STILL staying. She started getting behind on the mortgage and said not one word to my mom until the bank got ready to start the foreclosure process. My mom goaded her into taking action. She did SOMETHING (don't know if it was a refi or some type of govt assistance), and then her mortgage payment was reduced. She STILL couldn't seem to make ends meet. My mom started paying ALL the bills (but the mortgage) and buying all the food. DA was barely clearing $800/month. Then her car died and she needed to get a new one. Her credit was shot (from getting behind on her mortgage), so my mom CO-SIGNED ON HER NEW CAR!!! When she told me, I was like WTH?!?! And of course, MY MOM ended up making the payments. DA totalled that car a month or so ago, and now she needs a new car. So my mom is giving her $2k (WHY?!?!?! ) toward the car but will not co-sign.

One of my mom's friends wants her to live with her. She is a widow and her home is paid off, so all my mom would have to pay is part of the utilities and property tax. She was set to walk away from DA and move in with her friend in September, but now she's delaying because she just can't let her sister fall.

DA is in her 50s - she is a GROWN woman. My mom is done raising her child, so why should she be raising another? It just burns me up. DA refuses to change, she would rather wallow in self-pity and leech off of my mom than actually change her situation. My mom claims that DA decided to talk to a realtor and put the house up for sale. We'll see...

[8 Bit WWBG]

I look forward to the inevitable "I'd let my sister die in a gutter" and other bravado required of these types of threads. I'll add my standard "its harder when its YOUR loved one who needs the help".

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Your mom has entered into a co-dependent relationship with her sister. It's extremely easy to do no matter how much YM likes to swear everyone should know better. It starts small then before you know it you are stuck and have no idea how you got there. Once you are there, it is very very hard to get out.

If she would not take offense to it I'd leave a copy of Co-Dependent No More on her nightstand or the back of the toilet and suggest she read it.

[Deleted]

she says she wants to make sure DA is "okay" before she leaves. I told her that I don't want her getting entangled in her problems anymore. She is close to retirement and should be spending that time enjoying life, not worrying about her sister's finances.

[thyme4change]

Bummer - I hate sitting around and watching someone I love make a mess. But you have to sit there and watch two someones you love make a super-giant mess.

[swamp]

It's your mom's job to take care of DA and spend all her money and energy on her.

[swamp]

Jul 24, 2012 10:20:03 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Bummer - I hate sitting around and watching someone I love make a mess. But you have to sit there and watch two someones you love make a super-giant mess.

It's pretty fun when it's someone I don't like, though.

[midjd]

she says she wants to make sure DA is "okay" before she leaves.

DA will never be "okay" as long as she has a codependent sister to take care of her... I mean, from DA's perspective, it's a win-win, right?

Unfortunately those within these situations can almost never see them clearly. Codependent No More is a great book, I also recommend it.

Do you anticipate having to support your mom in retirement?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

she says she wants to make sure DA is "okay" before she leaves. I told her that I don't want her getting entangled in her problems anymore

Too late. Your aunt already has her claws in your mom. It's a vicious cycle that is very very hard to get out of.

You can't stop someone from being in a co-dependent relationship no matter how much you want to.

Your mom has to be the one to come to the realization that your aunt is NEVER going to be "okay" and that she's only harming herself by helping.

It can take a really long time to figure that out. It's mind numbing frustrating for those of us on the sidelines but if you keep up eventually you'll get sucked into a co-dependent relationship with your mom.

Been there, done that too.

You've said your piece, now you have to step back and hope it sinks in.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2012 10:20:03 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Bummer - I hate sitting around and watching someone I love make a mess. But you have to sit there and watch two someones you love make a super-giant mess.

And I really do love my aunt, but when you know EXACTLY what you need to do to improve your situation and don't do it, I don't have much sympathy.

[Deleted]

As I've said before, I can't imagine not helping my family in every conceivable way possible. but I am also not in a position to have to, so it is easy for me to say so.

[973beachbum]

As far as selling the house, is it mortgaged? What are the odds that she owes less than it would sell for?

With an income of $800 a month that is tough. Your mother really needs to unentangle herself because this is probably not going to end well. If she could pull herself together and get another, at least part time job, plus rent out another room she probably would be better off, than selling the house, but gaining nothing. It is not like she is going to find a place to live around here for even half what she is making a month.

I don't know if your Mom has it in her to take herself out of this or force her sister to face reality and do what she needs to do.

I know no help, but I am sorry you have to watch this slow moving train wreck.

[Deleted]

Archie, that's how my mom feels about her family too. I just hate to see her go from supporting me to supporting her. She deserves her own life and happiness.

Beach, my mom's other sister (DA2) lives in an old house that was in my dad's family (she married my father's uncle ... because, you know, they're of such good breeding stock... ). In the almost 30 years I've seen it, it hasn't gotten so much as a new doorknob on it. My mom and I think that DA and DA2 should just live together in either DA's house or a townhouse. DA2's son (20) lives at home, so they'd need 3 bedrooms. But then this way, DA and DA2 benefit financially by having each other. Plus, they spend a ton of time together anyway, so it's a win-win IMO. But DA2 wants her own house (can't afford it). Sigh....

[973beachbum]

Jul 24, 2012 10:36:47 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

Archie, that's how my mom feels about her family too. I just hate to see her go from supporting me to supporting her. She deserves her own life and happiness.

Beach, my mom's other sister (DA2) lives in an old house that was in my dad's family (she married my father's uncle ... because, you know, they're of such good breeding stock... ). In the almost 30 years I've seen it, it hasn't gotten so much as a new doorknob on it. My mom and I think that DA and DA2 should just live together in either DA's house or a townhouse. DA2's son (20) lives at home, so they'd need 3 bedrooms. But then this way, DA and DA2 benefit financially by having each other. Plus, they spend a ton of time together anyway, so it's a win-win IMO. But DA2 wants her own house (can't afford it). Sigh....

Yeah in this market it isn't going to bring in a good price. Your Mom may also feel a little obgligated to help so that the house doens't end up outside the family. I know DH's family is like that. They would spend twice as much on a falling down hulk that was their grandparents rather than a nice house for half as much. Then again I am really not sentimental about things like houses.

They would almost really be better off it your Mom owned the house since then the worst she could do is not paid rent. Right now your Mom could end up being out a LOT more than that.

[moxie]

"DA is in her 50s - she is a GROWN woman. My mom is done raising her child, so why should she be raising another?"

Oh the stories I could tell...been there, done that. Enough said.

[Deleted]

I think that would make her an ex-friend!



I missed Mid's question - I am pretty sure I'll be supporting my mom in retirement in some way. It could be that she comes to live with us. In that case, we need to get a deposit from her so we can build her an in-law suite.

[formerroomate99]

So sorry Money. There isn't much you can do, other than the book.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry too Money. I posted on another thread a few months ago about my mother and her crazy, codependent relationship with her brother. Can your mother afford this? Will it be coming down the pipe on to you?

[zibazinski]

If she's smart enough to have a roommate, think GOLDEN GIRLS, she will be just fine. But she needs to be on equal footing with her roommate not supporting her.

[happyscooter]

Lonewolf, my mom was a widow and her sister was divorced. They both worked at the same company for years, so their pay was almost identical. My aunt could never 'afford' a decent coat or take a week-end trip. My mother worried about her all the time. When it would turn bitterly cold here, my mom would call my aunt and ask her to come and stay with her since she had central heat. My aunt heated one room with a little heater. I have no idea where my aunt's money went all those years. And I have no idea where her SS check goes.