thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,388
|
Post by thyme4change on Jul 18, 2012 13:45:34 GMT -5
My pants are always in a wad. I just have to find things that are irritating and pretend that is what made the wad.
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 13:46:15 GMT -5
"You sleep the side with the arm on that side out straight. WIth your arm out, you can't roll to that side. " I don't know if that would work for me. I change positions in the middle of my sleep without knowing I did so it is possible that I would pull my arm back and roll over. Eh.. there is a biological componant and I really didn't get it either until I did cosleep that first time. I just didn't move. But cosleeping should only be done with a full term baby (if you are talking a newborn). DS was in his crib by the time he was 3 months old. I'm not advocating anyone do something they don't want to do, I'm just saying that some of the concerns people have aren't issues.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,717
|
Post by raeoflyte on Jul 18, 2012 13:46:44 GMT -5
I think, when you're exhausted by babies, job, the housework, etc. and you don't talk much or do anything else with your spouse, you drift apart. And once you start to drift, you hit indifference and then pretty much anything will drive you apart further. Or at least that's how it seemed to me, about 1-2 years ago. We made an effort to start talking/doing stuff and are doing lots better as a couple now than 1-2 years ago but at the worst, there wasn't any fighting or issues we couldn't compromise on it, it was just exhausted plodding though 1 day at a time, hoping tomorrow would be better or at least not worse. If either DH or I pushed for something during that time, it could easily have led to a separation. Kids are hell on marriage--no doubt about it. So question for you--is it just as bad the 2nd time around? I'm trying to convince myself that we know what things to watch out for, and we do plan on having the chore list done and in practice before the baby gets here. Along with a pre-emptive visit to the marriage counselor to get more things to watch out for. But am I just fooling myself to think we won't want to kill each other this time around?
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,217
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2012 13:46:55 GMT -5
it bugs the crap out of me that others who haven't done it and haven't done any research except 'someone once told me' are willing to tell me that I'm endangering my child. That happens with everything. I could write a novel about all the 'facts' people have presented to me that are inaccurate or just plain wrong based on "someone once told me". You can also see it in action on P&M. I think with co-sleeping it can become a dividing issue if you and your spouse aren't on the same page with it.
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 13:47:52 GMT -5
"Also, when I had DS in bed with me, I slept in a position where I could not physically roll to that side and i stayed on that side. Could not do it today, but biology is a crazy thing. " How about your husband? How can you make sure he wouldn't roll over the baby? The fact that he'd have to roll over me to get to the baby makes me think that's pretty unlikely. Again--I don't think co-sleeping is for everyone, don't preach it, and pretty much only offer the info when asked, but it bugs the crap out of me that others who haven't done it and haven't done any research except 'someone once told me' are willing to tell me that I'm endangering my child. I have said repeatedly you are the only expert on your family. Only do what works for you, but the incorrect information on this thread and the baby needs thread drives me nuts. (Plus I'm hormonal and pregnant and stressed out).
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,717
|
Post by raeoflyte on Jul 18, 2012 13:50:34 GMT -5
Everything can be a dividing issue if you're not on the same page though. Cosleeping is no different.
If one spouse is going to do it no matter what the other one thinks/feels--that's the problem. We didn't cosleep until DH was on board with it. He didn't like the idea, but saw how important it was to me and so he looked into it on his own and came to his own conclusion.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,717
|
Post by raeoflyte on Jul 18, 2012 13:52:04 GMT -5
Only do what works for you, but the incorrect information on this thread and the baby needs thread drives me nuts. (Plus I'm hormonal and pregnant and stressed out). I'm right there with ya' Mutt!
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 13:54:38 GMT -5
Only do what works for you, but the incorrect information on this thread and the baby needs thread drives me nuts. (Plus I'm hormonal and pregnant and stressed out). I'm right there with ya' Mutt! Me three. YM has been stressing me out lately. Yet I still come here. Constantly. All signs indicate addiction.
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 13:57:19 GMT -5
Well I gues that confirms it pregnancy + YM = bad for the baby.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,217
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2012 13:57:27 GMT -5
You know now that I think about it, DH has never once rolled over onto Gwen. Yet he's smacked me, punched me, rolled over onto me, picked my nose, groped me and stomped on me in his sleep. I am wondering now if maybe he's not asleep when he does that stuff!
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 13:57:32 GMT -5
I'm not pregnant and YM still stresses me out
|
|
Plain Old Petunia
Senior Member
bloom where you are planted
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 2:09:44 GMT -5
Posts: 4,840
|
Post by Plain Old Petunia on Jul 18, 2012 14:01:32 GMT -5
"No, in that particular post I was referring to baby sleeping in the bed, between us." Not trying to tell you what to do but I would not do that if I were you. When you are so tired and sleepy, you will not be able to stop yourself from rolling over, etc. When we were in the hospital, one of the nurses was commenting on the babies dying that way was on the rise. The slogan is the 3 B's, something like Babies should sleep on their Back in their Bed by themselves. When my daughter was born, they told me always put her on her back. Never put her on her stomach, she'll suffocate. When my son was born, they told me always put him on his side. Never put him on his back, he'll choke on spit up. I hate when they change their minds like that! So, we're back to always put them on their backs?
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 14:03:03 GMT -5
Hang em from their ankles on the side of the crib, the increased blood flow to the head will boost brainpower ;D
|
|
Plain Old Petunia
Senior Member
bloom where you are planted
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 2:09:44 GMT -5
Posts: 4,840
|
Post by Plain Old Petunia on Jul 18, 2012 14:05:15 GMT -5
You know now that I think about it, DH has never once rolled over onto Gwen. Yet he's smacked me, punched me, rolled over onto me, picked my nose, groped me and stomped on me in his sleep. I am wondering now if maybe he's not asleep when he does that stuff! Lol!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 24, 2024 19:41:26 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 14:07:38 GMT -5
I'm right there with ya' Mutt! Me three. YM has been stressing me out lately. Yet I still come here. Constantly. All signs indicate addiction. or you're just crazy pregnant women. <<runs and hides>>
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 14:12:49 GMT -5
I don't care what others choose to do, but there's at least one soon to be new mom in this thread so I'm offering my perspective. As the husband who was relegated to the couch because the baby was in my bed, I think it can be pretty tough on a marriage. It's hard enough to deal with a newborn, potential post-partum depression, lack of sleep, and then you throw physical separation into the mix... I just don't see enough benefit to make it worthwhile.
If it becomes an issue, and it might be one even if your husband says it's not, it's a bastard to wean the kids from doing it before they're ready. For kids who do it that age might be at 1 year, or it might be 4. Yes your newborn is cute and cuddly, and all that crap. Do you really want them in your bed for 4 years? They'll still be cute and cuddly in the morning when you go get them out of the crib in their room. After you've gotten a decent night's sleep where you could cuddle with your husband instead of your baby. You've already spent the entire pregnancy 100% focused on the baby, you spent however long it's been since the little tyke came home from the hospital 100% focused on the baby, you spend all day 100% focused on the baby. If you want to spend all night doing the same while your husband sleeps on the couch, knock yourself out. Don't come here shocked when he cheats on you though. I for one will verbally smack you upside the head and ask what you thought was going to happen. People, all people, need attention. If you ain't giving it to him he'll find somebody that will.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 18, 2012 14:13:53 GMT -5
I think, when you're exhausted by babies, job, the housework, etc. and you don't talk much or do anything else with your spouse, you drift apart. And once you start to drift, you hit indifference and then pretty much anything will drive you apart further. Or at least that's how it seemed to me, about 1-2 years ago. We made an effort to start talking/doing stuff and are doing lots better as a couple now than 1-2 years ago but at the worst, there wasn't any fighting or issues we couldn't compromise on it, it was just exhausted plodding though 1 day at a time, hoping tomorrow would be better or at least not worse. If either DH or I pushed for something during that time, it could easily have led to a separation. Kids are hell on marriage--no doubt about it. So question for you--is it just as bad the 2nd time around? I'm trying to convince myself that we know what things to watch out for, and we do plan on having the chore list done and in practice before the baby gets here. Along with a pre-emptive visit to the marriage counselor to get more things to watch out for. But am I just fooling myself to think we won't want to kill each other this time around? Ours are 17 months apart, 2 unplanned pregnancies. So a newborn and a not quite 18 month old. Add in PPD with #2; concurrent with that, DH was dealing with health issues. So it was more like an imperfect storm hitting (because there's nothing perfect here...)
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 24, 2024 19:41:26 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 14:15:00 GMT -5
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 14:17:23 GMT -5
So - even if the husband says it's NOT an issue - it's YOUR fault if he cheats on you? (Or, at the very least, to be expected?) Sure, that makes sense.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 18, 2012 14:18:50 GMT -5
People, all people, need attention. If you ain't giving it to him he'll find somebody that will. YES. Karma dark.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 14:19:12 GMT -5
I don't care what others choose to do, but there's at least one soon to be new mom in this thread so I'm offering my perspective. As the husband who was relegated to the couch because the baby was in my bed, I think it can be pretty tough on a marriage. It's hard enough to deal with a newborn, potential post-partum depression, lack of sleep, and then you throw physical separation into the mix... I just don't see enough benefit to make it worthwhile.
I for one HATE sleeping apart from DH, so if there's only room for two of us in the bed, then the baby will be sleeping elsewhere. End of story.
Can I just say again how annoying I find this automatic presumption that guys are the ones that need sex all the time and women never do? It always creeps into discussions like this.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 14:20:31 GMT -5
Projection.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 14:21:47 GMT -5
You've already spent the entire pregnancy 100% focused on the baby, you spent however long it's been since the little tyke came home from the hospital 100% focused on the baby, you spend all day 100% focused on the baby.
And you know what, I find this irritating too. I have NOT spent the entire pregnancy "100% focused on the baby." I focus on DH plenty, and we've had more quality time together DURING this pregnancy than any other time in our relationship. When the baby comes, I expect that we'll BOTH be "100% focused on the baby" for awhile, because THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT GOES with a newborn. If I'm 100% focused on the baby all the time and he NEVER is (or vice versa), that's a different problem.
It's annoying and insulting to imply that women just desert their husbands the minute a baby comes into the picture, even when it's still in utero.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,717
|
Post by raeoflyte on Jul 18, 2012 14:22:57 GMT -5
I don't care what others choose to do, but there's at least one soon to be new mom in this thread so I'm offering my perspective. As the husband who was relegated to the couch because the baby was in my bed, I think it can be pretty tough on a marriage. It's hard enough to deal with a newborn, potential post-partum depression, lack of sleep, and then you throw physical separation into the mix... I just don't see enough benefit to make it worthwhile. If it becomes an issue, and it might be one even if your husband says it's not, it's a bastard to wean the kids from doing it before they're ready. For kids who do it that age might be at 1 year, or it might be 4. Yes your newborn is cute and cuddly, and all that crap. Do you really want them in your bed for 4 years? They'll still be cute and cuddly in the morning when you go get them out of the crib in their room. After you've gotten a decent night's sleep where you could cuddle with your husband instead of your baby. You've already spent the entire pregnancy 100% focused on the baby, you spent however long it's been since the little tyke came home from the hospital 100% focused on the baby, you spend all day 100% focused on the baby. If you want to spend all night doing the same while your husband sleeps on the couch, knock yourself out. Don't come here shocked when he cheats on you though. I for one will verbally smack you upside the head and ask what you thought was going to happen. People, all people, need attention. If you ain't giving it to him he'll find somebody that will. This is the first time that I can tell that you've offered your perspective. Being kicked out of your bed and relegated to the couch sucks and could have been the end of your marriage. I'm glad you were able to find another solution that worked for you. Not all cosleeping arrangements are like that though, and not all parents who cosleep forget to pay attention to their spouse. Your last post is 100x more helpful to someone thinking about cosleeping (or not cosleeping) than your previous posts that just spout how crappy all cosleeping arrangements are. It's totally valid to say why it didn't work for you and why you don't think its a good idea. Not valid to say it doesn't/shouldn't work for anyone and to assume that everyone who does is part of some Dr. Sears cult that can't think for themselves. My son is 3 and I'm still not irritated with him being in our bed, and I check in with dh all the time to see how he is feeling. We're both curious how we'll deal with things when the baby gets here, but neither of us regret cosleeping with ds.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 14:24:34 GMT -5
But according to Dark, even if your DH says cosleeping is fine, don't be surprised if he cheats on you, since obvs. you're not paying enough attention to him and only focusing on the baby.
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 14:24:53 GMT -5
It's never your fault if he cheats on you. Only cowards do that. He should be man enough to end your marriage before he finds his strange. If you turn your entire life into being only focused on the baby, it's partially your fault that he's no longer interested in staying with somebody that's not giving him any attention.
Partially. He's still partially at fault for allowing it to happen, not putting his foot down sooner, etc.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 14:25:22 GMT -5
Not all cosleeping arrangements are like that though, and not all parents who cosleep women who have babies forget to pay attention to their spouse.
Fixed for ya ;D
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,217
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2012 14:25:43 GMT -5
It's annoying and insulting to imply that women just desert their husbands the minute a baby comes into the picture, even when it's still in utero
I agree.
However that is the message that we're subtly sent in parenting magazines, pregnancy books, the media etc.
I was horrified at how many books insisted I push my husband out of the picture so I could "bond" properly with my child.
What about DH's bond with the kid? What about my bond with DH?
I didn't notice it till I became a mom how this mind set has insinuated itself into our lives. Just look at the mommy bashing threads and you'll see it in action.
That being said that does not mean that you automatically have to become one of those mothers the moment you see two pink lines. I've been determined from day one that my marriage comes above everything else.
We haven't been perfect, we're human.
But DH has NEVER been forced to sleep on the couch or shut out of my life so I could be 100% devoted to the baby.
If he used that as an excuse to cheat on me he'd find everything he owned out on the lawn and the locks changed.
Mature the fuck up and talk to me instead of running around looking for cootchie.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 24, 2024 19:41:26 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 14:26:35 GMT -5
I don't care what others choose to do, but there's at least one soon to be new mom in this thread so I'm offering my perspective. As the husband who was relegated to the couch because the baby was in my bed, I think it can be pretty tough on a marriage. It's hard enough to deal with a newborn, potential post-partum depression, lack of sleep, and then you throw physical separation into the mix... I just don't see enough benefit to make it worthwhile.I for one HATE sleeping apart from DH, so if there's only room for two of us in the bed, then the baby will be sleeping elsewhere. End of story. Can I just say again how annoying I find this automatic presumption that guys are the ones that need sex all the time and women never do? It always creeps into discussions like this. generally, the male sex drive is higher than the female sex drive. IN GENERAL.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 14:28:17 GMT -5
I guess I don't see the intersection between "it's never your fault if he cheats on you" and "you should expect him to cheat on you if you're not giving him enough attention."
FWIW, I agree that you shouldn't be surprised if it happens after you've consciously pushed the other person away...
|
|