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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 11:58:16 GMT -5
I didn't want to hijack the "dumping" thread. I just wanted to say that I am back and feeling a ton better than I was the last time I posted... I also wanted to apologize for the drama. I will make a very concerted effort to not post when I am feeling down. I like this place and I want to be able to stay around and not be known as the crazy person of the board... I was recently diagnosed as being Bipolar II and have an appt with my doctor next week to start working on medication to balance out my emotions/mood in order for me to be able to better be able to find a job and be around other people on a consistent basis. I seem to have two modes of being - happy or miserable. The constant swings between feeling great and the feelings of not being able to function are just too much for me to deal with anymore and I surrender to medical help. I have to at this point because in 10 months I have to earn a full-time living and the stress of that is just causing more issues for me. I feel like I have a "good" week and accomplish a lot, then I have a "bad" week and accomplish nothing and tend to cause destruction in my life. Then I repeat the cycle over and over and over again... Unfortunately, the older I get the worse it seems to be. Since the SSRI medications tend to cause me a lot of unwanted side effects, and not work very well on top of it, I decided to try the St. John's Wort and 5HTP "natural" route. I find it helpful, but it is clearly not working well. And, my doctor doesn't support that route so I have no one to really guide me on how much to take, etc... During the last drama here, I had run out of 5HTP and everything I have read says you can stop taking it and have no adverse effects. OMG, so not true. At all. About day 4 I woke up and literally felt like I fell off the emotional cliff into a horrible place of misery and despair. I have suffered from depression for many years, but I have never gone to that place. It was scary and it was awful. All I can really say about it is that I now understand the mindset people have who kill themselves, cut themselves, or many of the other horrible things people do to themselves because of mental pain. I would have done anything to make that feeling go away. The one thing that saved me, at the time, was that I knew what the cause of my irrational feelings was, and I was sure that if I got some 5HTP and started taking it again I would get better. Had I not had that cause I would probably not be here. I can't imagine what it must be like to have that feeling for no reason. On the work front, I have a new contract WAH job starting in September that will have decent pay. The contract only runs to the end of the year, but if I make the quota they set, then I should get another contract in March. I also completed testing/training for another WAH project last week. If I am accepted to work with this company I am guaranteed 10-25 hours a week for a year. So, I am making some progress on the income generation front, but it just seems to be slow and seems like it is taking me forever. But, I keep applying for both online and local work and trying to be hopeful that I will find enough work to support myself. I have four more weeks of school and I will graduate with an AS degree for my resume. This will be helpful for all of the clerical type jobs that require at least an AA degree. And the best news of all is that DS2 is now working for a local grocery store and making decent money. As he works, DS1 has seen how nice it is to be able to drive, go to the water park, buy new games, etc... and has decided he wants his license and a job. He even used the term "when I move out" for the first time recently. Maybe he is just a late launcher after all?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 15, 2012 12:00:43 GMT -5
Shasta, im glad you're back and feeling better. Keep up the good work
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Jul 15, 2012 12:08:39 GMT -5
I've had to deal with a bout of bi-polar like symptoms when my thyroid levels got dangerously low. That one experience, where I *knew* I was feeling crazy and irrational, was horrible and I hope to never go to that place again (still pissed at the lab for not sending my bloodwork and allowing that to happen to me, I go to the lab in the next town over now for anything important, even though it is an extra expense). I really hope you find what works for you, and happy that life is putting itself back together, and the boys are doing better!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 15, 2012 12:09:20 GMT -5
So glad you're back - we missed you. And especially glad that you're in a better mental state and things are continuing to look up. Progress is never a nice neat upward line - it looks more like a stock ticker. It's important to remember how far you've come, even on the weeks you're flat-lining or feeling down. You've accomplished so much since you began posting here, and I know more great things are in your future
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Jul 15, 2012 12:17:40 GMT -5
Since the SSRI medications tend to cause me a lot of unwanted side effects, and not work very well on top of it ---------------- I'm sorry. Which ones have you tried? Sometimes, it's a battle to find which ones, or combination thereof, will do the trick. However, I have found that when that magic combo is found, it works quite well. Has your doctor suggested the old tricyclic meds? Have you tried the SNRIs? (Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors)
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 12:24:52 GMT -5
I've had to deal with a bout of bi-polar like symptoms when my thyroid levels got dangerously low. That one experience, where I *knew* I was feeling crazy and irrational, was horrible and I hope to never go to that place again (still pissed at the lab for not sending my bloodwork and allowing that to happen to me, I go to the lab in the next town over now for anything important, even though it is an extra expense). I really hope you find what works for you, and happy that life is putting itself back together, and the boys are doing better! It's interesting to me that I have a very hard time explaining how horrible that felt or even relating to it now that I am feeling rational again. I knew I was irrational but I still felt like my life was horrible and was never going to improve. It was very intense and miserable. I literally sat in the bathtub for like 4 hours crying. Now it almost seems like something that happened to another person, or maybe something like when you drink too much and wake up the next morning asking yourself "did that really happen?" I had seen the movie "Touching the Void" right before this happened to me, so I applied the technique that one of the climbers used to get off the mountain with a broken leg. I gave myself 10-15 minute goals and promised myself that if after that time had passed if I felt worse then I would seek medical help. I watched a lot of the funniest TV I could find, forced myself not to think for the next 15 minutes, and went to bed really early thanks to Ambian. I woke up the next morning feeling bad but not as bad. So, I did the same thing for that day and then started feeling better. Now that I have experienced that, I have both a different understanding about the people in my life who have killed themselves, and I also have a very strong conviction that I want to do whatever I have to do to never experience it again. If this means pharmaceutical help then that is what it has to mean. I have shied away from prescription RX medications partly because I know I am losing medicaid next year. But, my MDs office just became part of one of our local hospital systems and they are offering a sliding-scale clinic if needed for people without coverage. So, I am feeling better about a prescription option as long as it is something fairly inexpensive for when I have to start paying for it out of pocket.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Jul 15, 2012 12:31:43 GMT -5
I was lucky that it was as simple as getting me started on thyroid medication (they were only waiting for lab work to see how much I'd need--we knew I'd need it as I just got treated for Grave's Disease). But after that, if I were diagnosed as being bi-polar, I'd definitely got the pharma route if needed. Glad to hear you'll have something sliding scale available. It really does feel like another life/another person. I know meds can take time to find the right combo, but the end result will be worth it.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 12:43:36 GMT -5
Since the SSRI medications tend to cause me a lot of unwanted side effects, and not work very well on top of it ---------------- I'm sorry. Which ones have you tried? Sometimes, it's a battle to find which ones, or combination thereof, will do the trick. However, I have found that when that magic combo is found, it works quite well. Has your doctor suggested the old tricyclic meds? Have you tried the SNRIs? (Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors) Back when I worked in IT and lived in the Bay Area, DH became very ill with a massive MRSA infection and spent almost 3 months in the hospital. My kids at the time were 5 and 7. I was working like 80 hours a week mandatory because I was salary, in IT, and Y2K was coming. I went to see a psychiatrist who prescribed me Paxil. Until the day I die I will always say that Paxil fried something in my brain. I went from a very productive and driven person to someone who didn't have any motivation or care about anything. I went back to the psych and he told me it wasn't the medication and to keep taking it. While on Paxil I stopped working with no plan on how to replace my 50K+ a year income, I didn't pay any of our bills, and we nearly lost our house, so we sold it, cashed out our equity and moved. At the time I cared about nearly nothing. Got here and went to the doctor and titrated off the Paxil. I spent three months so dizzy that I had to take Dramamine just to be able to walk across the house. I couldn't drive. I thought I was dying. It was horrible, but eventually the feelings went away. However, I have never felt the motivation or determination return... I have tried Zoloft, which worked for a couple years and then stopped. And, I have tried Prozac, which didn't do much at all. My doc added Zyprexa to it and that seemed to work but Zyprexa causes irreversible diabetes in 3 out of every 100 people who take it. This is a side effect that is 100% unacceptable to me. (My DH died from complications of diabetes, not to mention it is so hard on your body and expensive to have as well...) The last combo he tried was Prozac and Lamactil (?). I didn't feel terribly good on that combo, but it looks like the Lamactil is the preferred RX for bipolar II but in a higher dose than the 50mg I was prescribed. Honestly, I have some Lamactil and have started taking it again prior to my MD appt. I know it can't hurt me and takes time to work. So, I will let the doc know about what happened to me with the lack of 5HTP and that I have started the Lamactil and I feel better but still not great. At this point I am willing to try just about anything except the class of drugs that causes diabetes. I don't think that is in any way a reasonable trade-off and feel like there has to be other options. And, I have to learn to overcome the typical bipolar problem of the medications working and then stopping taking them because I feel better and like they are no longer needed. I have made a pact with myself that I will not do this again, no matter how I feel!
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jul 15, 2012 12:51:29 GMT -5
So glad to hear that you are still alive and doing better. For coverage next year when Medi-Cal ends check out CMSP. Also, there are programs through the pharmaceutical companies that provide medication for people with low incomes. Sent PM and all I want to add is "WELCOME BACK!"
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 12:59:12 GMT -5
If the ACA stays in effect, then I will be able to stay on Medicaid based upon income after next June. We will no longer have the SS income and even with a good local job my income will still qualify for Medicaid or a large subsidy.
If it is overturned, then I will get kicked off when my DS graduates from high school.
I have looked into CSMP and it looks like an option, but my doctor's office and the councilor I have been seeing won't take it.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jul 15, 2012 13:15:07 GMT -5
That difficult but it can help with the costs of RX and tests. ETA - let me know when if/when it happens as there are some other programs that can help through the transition. If you made it through what you did in the past you can overcome this too. Just keep on keeping on!
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 15, 2012 13:27:51 GMT -5
I'm glad you are feeling better. Yes if you are highly sensitive going off of something cold turkey can mess you up.
I know taking the right vitamins and in sufficient quantity can help. A family friend was a Shaklee rep and recommended one multivitamin at all three meals plus B, C, and Cal/Mag. She also did a protein shake for herself every morning. I don't know what Bipolar II means but given what you wrote your moods cycle often. I find B vitamins helpful and also getting enough Cal/Mag as well. In a pinch I've splurged on Fiji Water because of the high mineral content.
I'm not sure if it would help but have you ever tried Bach Flower remedies? I think there are some other brands as well, I seem to remember one based in or near NY state.
I hope you attract the help into your life that you need and things continue to get better.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Jul 15, 2012 14:22:03 GMT -5
I went to see a psychiatrist who prescribed me Paxil.
Until the day I die I will always say that Paxil fried something in my brain. I went from a very productive and driven person to someone who didn't have any motivation or care about anything.
I went back to the psych and he told me it wasn't the medication and to keep taking it.
While on Paxil I stopped working with no plan on how to replace my 50K+ a year income, I didn't pay any of our bills, and we nearly lost our house, so we sold it, cashed out our equity and moved. At the time I cared about nearly nothing. --------------------- Sweetie, these are the signs and symptoms of a classic clinical depression. It sounds like the Paxil wasn't working too well.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 14:31:26 GMT -5
Glad to hear you are doing well. Life has ups and downs and we all need to support one another.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 14:46:17 GMT -5
I think part of the problem is the spiral and tailspin that it sends you in to. It seems that a perfect storm arises. I had a battle with depression that resulted from physical ailments, thyroid issues, Lyme's disease resulting in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. On top of that a suicide in my family which caused distressing , awful nightmares and then resulted in severe insomnia issues of which i suffer to this day. This went on for about 8 yrs where i barely could get out of bed, go to work and collapse in to bed when i got home. It was a long journey but i with the grace of God and my support systems, i was able to pull myself out and now i feel happy, healthy and whole again. But, i didn't believe that was possible. But, i can easily understand people at the very edge of despair. As Winston Churchill said, "Fatigue makes cowards of us all" and i literally felt like a scared puppy cowering in the corner trying to avoid life. But , there is HOPE that you will not always feel that way and you can laugh and have joy and fun again. Just stay the course.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 15:18:04 GMT -5
Good to see you again! I am SO glad you are feeling better!
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jul 15, 2012 20:46:46 GMT -5
So glad you are back Shasta. WELCOME HOME
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nittanycheme
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Post by nittanycheme on Jul 15, 2012 20:49:31 GMT -5
I am so glad that you are working on getting help, and I am so sorry that you had to go through that despair to get there. Bipolar runs in my family, and while I have escaped it personally I am familiar with it's effects. I used to have 5 cousins on that side of the family - now I only have 2.... Has your doctor tried you on Lithium? Some of the drugs that you are mentioning are primarily for depression - I don't know if they help a whole lot with the mania phase and the wild swing parts. I know that a lot of my family are on a couple of different drugs to help with all the symptoms. Good luck. I know it can take a while to get the right drug mix that helps, and that sometimes they need to be adjusted later anyway. Just don't lose hope.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Jul 16, 2012 0:24:42 GMT -5
So glad you're feeling better! Good luck with the continuing search for the right medication--and thanks for checking in and and letting us know you're OK. I have a friend who did well on Wellbutrin, although I think that was depression and not bipolar disorder. Lithium is the classic of course, although I understand it can be hard on the kidneys. As to fighting your way back: well done. Welcome back.
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deantrip
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Post by deantrip on Jul 16, 2012 10:42:20 GMT -5
Glad that you are back!
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 16, 2012 12:30:12 GMT -5
Shasta/gold girl: if you would like assistance with a more natural approach to treating depression, please send me a private message. I have the name and information of a well-respected naturopathic doctor in the Mount Shasta area that could probably help you and would definitely support you through the process of finding what works for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2012 12:41:31 GMT -5
I contacted a local natrupathic doctor and was told their "exam fee" was $300 for the first appointment. Living on $1K a month that is way, way, way out of my budget.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 16, 2012 12:50:08 GMT -5
I'm glad to see you back and especially glad that you're feeling better. If you find yourself spiraling into depression again at any point, I'd gently suggest not posting openly on the boards until you're feeling better. You can PM plenty of folks here that are sympathetic and will be kind to you. I'm sure I wasn't the only one worried that the last post you did might be about to drive you to suicide I'm not saying that you're not welcome to post if you feel bad one day, but I was truly concerned about your mental state, especially when it became clear you were still reading, but there was nothing I could directly do about it. It was really scary. If you're feeling really low, comments on a message board just aren't always helpful. My $0.02.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 16, 2012 12:54:21 GMT -5
I contacted a local natrupathic doctor and was told their "exam fee" was $300 for the first appointment. Living on $1K a month that is way, way, way out of my budget. Who was it? If it's my ex-doctor (he moved up there last year), I can go to bat for you and ask for an extended payment schedule. When he was in the LA area he saw one or two of my mental health clients on a reduced fee schedule. Just a thought.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 16, 2012 12:56:35 GMT -5
extended fee schedule is a payment plan. reduced fee is cutting the charge. which is it? And will he require shasta to purchase his supplements?
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 16, 2012 13:07:33 GMT -5
In the past he has done both. He's not one of those supplement-pushing guys. He's a fully accredited doctor with a license to practice medicine in California. He even has a DEA number to prescribe if absolutely necessary. My guess from observing others is that he will probably put her on some of the same stuff she is/was already buying - 5HTP, Cal-Mag, selenium etc - plus some intensive lifestyle coaching and lifestyle support around a clean/hygenic, nutrient-dense diet. The difference is: he will support her around the issues of dosage adjustment until she can find what works for her. So many Western docs merely say: "keep taking your medicine" (whether it's working or not).
I worked intensely with this doctor for 18 months, and he got me past THREE diagnoses: Fibromyalgia Symdrome, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Multiple Chemical Sensitivities. Western medicine says there are no "cures" for these conditions. I don't believe it, but so be it - I'm not "cured." But I sure as heck am in long-term remission (going on 6 years now . . . ).
I'm jealous of the folks in Shasta County that get to have his wonderful doctoring . . .
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 16, 2012 13:10:12 GMT -5
She may not be able to afford that.................
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2012 13:10:31 GMT -5
I'm glad to see you back and especially glad that you're feeling better. If you find yourself spiraling into depression again at any point, I'd gently suggest not posting openly on the boards until you're feeling better. You can PM plenty of folks here that are sympathetic and will be kind to you. I'm sure I wasn't the only one worried that the last post you did might be about to drive you to suicide I'm not saying that you're not welcome to post if you feel bad one day, but I was truly concerned about your mental state, especially when it became clear you were still reading, but there was nothing I could directly do about it. It was really scary. If you're feeling really low, comments on a message board just aren't always helpful. My $0.02. I completely agree with you. I promised myself when I created this account that I won't read or post here when I am not feeling well, or feeling frustrated with life. It isn't productive for me and it just causes drama which I hate.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 16, 2012 13:12:54 GMT -5
I completely agree with you. I promised myself when I created this account that I won't read or post here when I am not feeling well, or feeling frustrated with life. It isn't productive for me and it just causes drama which I hate. Karma and I think that's a really good move.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 16, 2012 13:18:54 GMT -5
She may not be able to afford that................. It's a myth that folks cannot afford a good diet. I spend quite a bit less now than I did most of my adult life and eat much better. No more junk food, processed foods, white flour, sugar, artificial sweeteners or food chemicals. I look at nutrients, not calories. Nutrient-dense food satisfies you faster so (over time) you naturally somewhat eat less. No more "an open bag is an empty bag" syndrome for me. But of course, that's just me. I understand everyone makes their own choices. Because I'm rooting for Shasta to get well and be well (!!!!), I just thought I'd try to offer my support to connect her to a doctor who fundamentally changed my life for the better and single-handedly prevented me from becoming permanently disabled. No haters, please. This is just what worked for me. Shasta will of course have to figure out what works for her.
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