tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jul 3, 2012 1:23:22 GMT -5
Spanking is not to punish. Spanking is to get their attention. I never had to spank either of my kids. Of course, it may have helped that my niece and nephew told the new step-daughter, "You do NOT want to get spanked by Uncle xxx. He spanks HARD!" But again, I never had to spank mine. And when we had large celebratory family dinners out, our kids were allowed to attend. Their cousins weren't, so I guess things worked out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 2:24:29 GMT -5
From my perspective, I've discovered over my lifetime those who received discipline as punishment (however the discipline method, rod or tongue as children) became very harsh individuals across the people board.. Their people interaction on a regular basis in their now adult life appears indicative of how their faults/mistakes/misbehavior was dealt with as children.. Abusive spanking and verbally abused individuals are most times offensive in word and actions towards others in their world and can more often than not, be traced back to their child rearing days. Then again, some folks are just real jerks I suppose or maybe a bit off balance and chemically tilted, neurologically speaking.. The question is: How do you discipline your kids?Both my children are beyond the spanking age, but.... Mama still disciplines her babies by way of speaking into their lives, what I believe to be wise advice, with hope to correct or re-route their thinking to change the paths their on..
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The Home 6
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Post by The Home 6 on Jul 3, 2012 5:13:51 GMT -5
We spank very VERY rarely in our house. (our girls are nearly 6 and 4, BTW). For older daughter, time out is still the discipline of choice, simply because of her personality. She always wants to be doing something, playing with something, etc. For younger daughter, we have found that giving her choices is the best option. For example, "You can stop your whining, or your toy can go into toy jail. What is your choice?" She will, of course, choose to stop whining. Maybe it's a control issue? I don't know. I DO know that the 'choices' thing does NOT work with our older daughter.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 5:18:40 GMT -5
I have found that having a child stand in the corner IS very effective. And, it works everywhere you go because there are corners in every mall, restaurant and on and on! This is best for younger children.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 5:23:30 GMT -5
Another thing that works with my teens is making them "Dad's helper or Mom's Helper". If they act out or misbehave, if it is something that has particularly annoyed me or something beyond the usual teen stuff, then they get to be our Helper. That is , they must help either Dad or Mom do all of our chores from grocery shopping to helping with whatever tasks we are doing throughout the day. Just having to be at our side for that long is a highly effective deterrent!
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The Home 6
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Post by The Home 6 on Jul 3, 2012 5:27:21 GMT -5
Shooby, I am remembering the "Helper" for 10 years from now! Right now, my older daughter wants to be Mommy's helper, and it is so adorable! Not so adorable when she wants to help me wash dishes and floods the kitchen...
Ah, well. Memories, right?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 3, 2012 5:48:52 GMT -5
I was spanked and I am fine...hell, spanking was the least crappy part of my childhood. What cracks me up is a generation ago spanking was the norm...seriously, I don't remember ANYONE that was against spanking....based on these "studies" we must be a nation of totally fucked up people! Intersting, a generation or two ago (you know, when kids actually got their asses smacked for being bad) kids were much better behaved.....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 5:56:21 GMT -5
The problems of today aren't because we don't spank. Kids simply do not respect authority figures nowadays. And, because they don't, spanking is ineffective in my opinion. When i was a kid, i was literally afraid of my teachers or other authorities figures if i got in trouble. There was a fear that you didn't want to get those people mad at you. Kids today really don't seem to care and are not fearful of adult authority. So, it isn't the lack of spanking but the blurring of lines between kids and adults and not teaching respect.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 7:02:16 GMT -5
I'm telling ya, the time out in each others rooms works like a charm! A big THANK YOU from us at the beerwench house too! It really does work like a charm!
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 3, 2012 7:10:22 GMT -5
In our household our mom was physically violent and verbally abusive. When she was frustrated or depressed she would turn on her kids and beat them with whatever object was at hand - her favorite being brooms and hangers. A good percentage of the time there was no reason for her to lash out at us except that she was angry and frustrated and had no other healthy way to let off steam.
I didn't want to lose control and beat DS so I made it a rule that I wouldn't ever spank him so that I wouldn't go too far. To be honest I did lose my temper 3 times and give him a whack on his butt when he was a toddler going through the terrible threes, but for the most part I stuck to my decision.
I agree discipline has to be tailored to the kid. Kids are amazingly different. DS was a fairly sensitive kid and sitting in a time-out chair or taking away a favorite toy worked pretty good most of the time.
In my experience where a lot of parents fail is they don't set up clear consequences up front. Then the kid does something wrong and the parent responds in anger, then tries to discipline the kid, who gets upset because they didn't understand the consequences up front. Or the parent comes back with a ridiculous punishment (You won't date until you're 25 years old!!) that they can't possibly enforce. So we picked the stuff that mattered the most to us and set up realistic punishments before hand, when we were all calm. For instance, get a bad grade on your report card and you get your video games taken away until the next grading period. Then if he violated the rule, he knew ahead of time what the punishment would be.
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cranberry49
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Post by cranberry49 on Jul 3, 2012 7:13:50 GMT -5
Well, as a mother of five grown children, I spanked mine. All five of them turned out great. None have ever seen the inside of a jail. None are drug addicts, alcoholics, and all of them have nicer homes and more money than I ever had. They went to college and made good career choices. None abuse their wives/husbands or their kids. I defy anyone to prove that spanking increases the chance of abuse, etc. I would think out of five kids at least ONE of them would of been a dysfunctional adult it this were true. I call BS.
It's all about how you do it. You can't allow your anger to take control. You never, ever, curse your child. You don't belittle them EVER. You don't yell and threaten. You talk to your child and you explain why they are going to get spanked. This can work with even the younger ones that may require an occasional spanking. Also, I only spanked when my kids absolutely did something they knew was wrong. Their teachers were allowed to spank also and when they got home they got another one from me! Yes, a few pushed it and got a spanking for this reason. Trust me, it only took one time of a 'double' spanking to set their little minds on the right path...LOL...
Oh, I meant to say that in no way was I the perfect mom. I made many mistakes. However, I did try to reinforce discipline in a healthy manner. I wanted my kids to know that with whatever choices one chooses in life-- there are always consequences. Be it good or bad.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 7:17:13 GMT -5
I have spanked DD twice for disrespecting me, and both were before she was 5. Once she pulled my hair while I was driving and another time she tried kicking me in the shin. She needed to learn that she does not treat ANY adult like that and she needed to learn it quick.
DS was spanked once by DH for almost running into the street when he was 2-3. The swat on his but was a wake-up call and he has been conscious of the street ever since.
Other than that we take away their favorite things -- video games for him, TV or art supplies for her. Ever since zib mentioned putting them in each others rooms we have been utilizing that. They are just shy of 7 and 5 and they HATE playing with "opposite sex" toys so it really works for us.
Thank you again, zib!!! ;D
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 3, 2012 7:19:08 GMT -5
"From my perspective, I've discovered over my lifetime those who received discipline as punishment (however the discipline method, rod or tongue as children) became very harsh individuals across the people board.. Their people interaction on a regular basis in their now adult life appears indicative of how their faults/mistakes/misbehavior was dealt with as children.. Abusive spanking and verbally abused individuals are most times offensive in word and actions towards others in their world and can more often than not, be traced back to their child rearing days. "
I disagree. Our mom claims she was such a 'perfect' child that she was never punished for anything as a child - ever. She only remembers one time when her father even raised his voice at her (she says her mother never even did that.) Yet as an adult my mom was violent with her kids, beating them for every small infraction, real and imagined, and belittling us when she wasn't beating us. Her perfect childhood does not explain why she was such a harsh adult. At the same time, all her kids decided not to use physical discipline when raising their own kids, and to never verbally abuse their kids, and we haven't. I don't think my sibilings and I are harsh adults - in fact I think we're probably more empathetic than most people. I for one probably spoiled my son a little too much (thank goodness DH was there as enforcer). I have my faults, but being 'harsh' with other people isn't one, and my sibs are the same way.
I think there is a myth that if you have a crappy childhood you grow up as damaged adults. It isn't true. Nor is it true that if you have a perfect childhood you grow up to be perfectly happy and well adjusted.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 7:25:25 GMT -5
happyhoix and tallguy - ITA with both of your posts.
A 2-year-old is not going to understand your 5 minute long speech about why they shouldn't run into the street without looking both ways. I'd rather risk "scaring my kid for life" and give him 1-2 swats on the butt than have him be road pizza.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 7:26:16 GMT -5
The problems of today aren't because we don't spank. Kids simply do not respect authority figures nowadays. And, because they don't, spanking is ineffective in my opinion. When i was a kid, i was literally afraid of my teachers or other authorities figures if i got in trouble. There was a fear that you didn't want to get those people mad at you. Kids today really don't seem to care and are not fearful of adult authority. So, it isn't the lack of spanking but the blurring of lines between kids and adults and not teaching respect. this too
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 7:29:49 GMT -5
Different strokes for different folks. I was physically abused by my mother. I never forgot it and it colored our relationship. Permanently. A child remember right or wrong punishment. I spanked my kids when they were little, the diaper thing so I know, other than the shock of being spanked, it didn't hurt. I didn't want it to hurt, I wanted their attention and I got it!. What is it with kids and the running out in the road thing? But they were basically good kids with a little rat finky thrown in. But as they got older and the bickering between them got old, then I used the time out in each others rooms. They could leave each other alone or they could play nice together but they were not to torment each other and me with their endless bickering.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jul 3, 2012 8:18:48 GMT -5
The problems of today aren't because we don't spank. Kids simply do not respect authority figures nowadays. And, because they don't, spanking is ineffective in my opinion. When i was a kid, i was literally afraid of my teachers or other authorities figures if i got in trouble. There was a fear that you didn't want to get those people mad at you. Kids today really don't seem to care and are not fearful of adult authority. So, it isn't the lack of spanking but the blurring of lines between kids and adults and not teaching respect. YES!!!! One time I saw a mom with 3 kids running around wild at the grocery store. She yelled at them then spanked them (probably not very hard). The kids actually laughed at her. It is not how you discipline your kids, it is that you discipline them and they respect authority. I see so many kids young kids who just ignore when their parents tell them to do something, or stop doing something. If kids ignore parents, they are undisciplined (whether spanked or not). I'd say we spanked our kids, but it was very rarely. Honestly I only remember a few times with the middle child. As they grew up we always got comments on how well behaved our children are. They rarely got in trouble in school, and are now well adjusted late teens - early20s. The one that required the most discipline is now a super well behaved college student with excellent grades and a good career path already mapped out (he is about to turn 20).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 8:22:39 GMT -5
I personally felt 'ugly" spanking my kids. And, seeing DH spank them was disconcerting. I think he only spanked them once or twice on my prodding after i was exasperated. I don't like the feeling of hitting my child. Of course, that doesn't mean i still don't feel like a good smack across the mouth of my teen when he is being mouthy would do a world of good. And, i think when people are angry it would be very easy to spank much harder than you intend to and i just don't want to go there.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 8:28:50 GMT -5
I found that when my rug rats were bigger then me, I made them bend down so I could thip them on their foreheads! By that time we were both laughing and the butt headness had stopped pretty much. It does now remind me of the Gibbs head slap. It gets their attention without hurting them which is really, all parents want.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 3, 2012 8:29:27 GMT -5
The only time I plan on ever using spanking is if she is in danger and I need her to understand fast like if she darts out into the street. I don't have time to logic/reason with her and I want the consequences to be immediate.
I did rap her chin a couple of times when she deliberately bit me. I didn't do it hard enough to hurt, but I did it hard enough that I got her attention. I tried time outs, I tried ignoring her and she would still bite me. She hasn't bit me since I tapped her on the chin a couple of times right after she did it.
I am pretty much making it up as I go. She wouldn't hold my hand when we were at the Farmer's Market so I put her back ni her stroller and strapped her in which pissed her off and we went straight home. Yesterday I kept stepping over her as she threw a tantrum because I wouldn't let her play with the computer.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 8:31:06 GMT -5
A parents gotta do what a parents gotta do.
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hockeygrl
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Post by hockeygrl on Jul 3, 2012 8:49:45 GMT -5
Yes Drama, we are having to hit the "ignore" button for tantrums now, too! It sucks, but thank god they get over them fairly quickly!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 3, 2012 9:25:09 GMT -5
Lena--I loved your post that you're still trying to figure out what works. I swear someone promised me a manual that would tell me what to do and when but it never showed up...
We don't spank at this point and aren't likely to. Neither of us thinks that a spanking here and there will f*ck a kid up for life, but it's just never felt right to us. I also wonder about the message that problems can be fixed with hitting. I can understand the thinking that it is to get their attention and just hope that I don't ever feel the need to resort to it.
We do timeouts, and a couple times we've had time out in his room with the door closed if he wouldn't stay in the designated time out place. The times that he doesn't cry and just sits quietly for us to come get him scare me the most. I figure if a 2 year old can decide that a known punishment is worth it, I'm screwed come the teen years.
I *think* ds is pretty good, but I admit to worrying that I'm too lax with him.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 3, 2012 9:29:09 GMT -5
but thank god they get over them fairly quickly! Gwen's lasted at least half an hour. And she is so dramatic! She stopped crying and was playing with a toy until I came out of the kitchen. She took one look at me, fell on the floor and started crying again. Then there was another one that I had to work so hard not to laugh at her. My mom told her no and she fell on the floor crying. My mom walked over her. So Gwen comes crawling across the floor sobbing to me and pulls herself up with her arms outstretched with the most pitful look on her face. I ended up picking her up because it was just so darn funny/pathetic. DH jokes she's going for an Oscar.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 9:35:55 GMT -5
With GW it doesn't really matter what the disciplne is. She hates being corrected and just saying she is being punished is the punishment. I also get her to clean the bathroom mind you. Hey! I gotta get something out of it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 10:42:35 GMT -5
DS is only three. Spankings work for us in terms of safety issues. He's quite adventurous. I expect to be done with spanking by the time he is 4 unless he lights something on fire. For other forms of discipline we timeouts, positive reinforcement, and throwing toys in the trash when they are abused/not picked up. He's quite well behaved most of the time. We also optimize his environment for best behavior. We don't take him to restaurants late at night, we make sure he gets his naps, if he's tired/cranky we don't take him to places where his ability to control himself is going to be challenged, and so on. edited: when I was a kid I hated time outs and preferred spankings. DH was the same. Being bored was the ultimate punishment.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 3, 2012 10:42:49 GMT -5
but thank god they get over them fairly quickly! Gwen's lasted at least half an hour. And she is so dramatic! She stopped crying and was playing with a toy until I came out of the kitchen. She took one look at me, fell on the floor and started crying again. When my son would have a trantrum I'd leave the room and go someplace else for a while until he calmed down. Once, I did that, and then here he comes a few minutes later, looking for me (but not crying) and when he saw me he threw himself dramatically to the floor and started screaming again. So, trying hard not to laugh, I stepped over his little prostrate screaming body and left the room again, this time going into the bathroom where I could sit on the john and read a magazine until he wore himself out.... The twos and threes are such dramatic years, then you get some fairly calm times until they hit the teens...
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hockeygrl
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Post by hockeygrl on Jul 3, 2012 11:09:18 GMT -5
LMAO!!
Well, I guess DS gets over his pretty quickly I should say. He's just started with them, though, so I'm sure we'll get to the histrionics soon. The terrible twos are starting at 18 months!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 11:47:07 GMT -5
Wait until PMSing starts at age 9.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 3, 2012 11:55:12 GMT -5
Nothing wrong with a swat on the ass I did it when my kids were little. Now that they are older (12 and 14), I don't have to. I find that taking their electronics away is much more effective. You should see a 14 yo girl when you take her cell phone away from her for a week. You'd think the world was coming to an end.
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