shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 7, 2012 10:56:36 GMT -5
raeoflyte: Thank you. Just remember that every state is different when it comes to foster care and adoption, and one of the reasons we have as many hoops to jump through as we do is that we are open to adopting from foster care, which requires us to become licensed foster care providers first. If you are doing a private adoption, or going through an agency that doesn't do foster to adopt, the experience will be very different. (And most likely much more expensive.)
zib: From the trainings we went to, the impression I got was that it never mattered to the adoptive families, and that while they were still young, it didn't matter much to the adopted kids, either. The problems came when they moved out on their own. So now, instead of everyone knowing that them and their family, people only see them. It created culture shock and identity crisis when they went from being Joe's black kid, to just a black kid. And again, that identity crisis then came back and caused issues with their adoptive families. It's one of those things they want us to think about and be aware of because a child is your child for life, not just until they turn 18 or head off to college. Now, it sounds like your neighborhood has a number of black kids adopted into white families. That gives the kids and their families natural support groups, which is fabulous. But there is still going to be an issue when one of those black young men, perhaps walking with his white sister, gets harrassed on the street, or gets stopped by a cop simply for being a young black man. His parents need to be prepared for that; they hopefully need to find a way to prepare him and his siblings for that. I would love to live in a color blind world, and I can do my best to raise a child with that goal in mind, but I also must, as a parent, prepare my child to live in the current world. It's something that most white folks have never had to deal with, and that white parents of white children won't have to think much about. But when any member of your family is of color, you do damage to the entire family by trying to pretend to the rest of the world is as color blind as your family, or even your neighborhood. And before the trainings, I thought a lot like you. It really surprised me to see how difficult it had been for children of color, who had been raised in a color blind household, to adapt to a non color blind world.
sam: I should be very clear- race is only one of many factors in determining a good match. It would be more important if it mattered to DH and I. But it doesn't. Given the children that end up in foster care, if that is where we adopt from, I'd say we have probably a 75% chance of getting a black or hispanic child. (Very few Asians end up in foster care, and the rules surrounding Native American children make it unlikely we'd be considered for one). If we end up adopting because a birth mother chooses us, it's much more likely that we'll get a white child. But here, if there was a family that was willing to take a child with serious childhood illness that was unlikely to live past childhood, you can bet that race would be the absolute last factor. However, that's now. There was a time when white families were preferred for all children. In fact, there was a time when it was very difficult for a black family to be cleared to adopt any child. There were so many black children going to white families without black families ever being considered that it was considered a crisis in the black community. The National Association of Black Social Workers was formed as a response and there was a big push back. For a while (and I'm guessing this was during the time that your parents were looking to adopt this little girl), the pendulum swung too far in the other direction, making race the primary factor in matching children with adoptive families. Things are now, hopefully, finding a happy medium, where race is considered a factor, but only one of many.
Celebrity adoptions: If you'll notice, celebrities don't adopt kids from the US. They adopt babies internationally. The reason for this is that international adoptions require mostly money and some patience. Yes, there are still hurdles to jump through, and I am not saying that the celebrities are not good parents or that the kids don't deserve loving homes or anything like that. However, the hoops you have to jump through to be approved to adopt from foster care (especially becoming a licensed foster parent first) are hoops that most celebrities are unable to meet. While I'm a foster parent, I can't take the kid across the state for a couple days without social worker permission, let alone out of state or out of the country. I certainly couldn't adopt a child from the US while spending time in the south of France. The barriers to entry are different for local adoptions vs international adoptions, and it is much easier for a celebrity to overcome the barriers in international adoption.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 7, 2012 10:57:51 GMT -5
Kid ended up bouncing around in foster homes (they wouldn't even let my parents be her permanent foster family), and she passed away from her illness when she was about 8. So sad that she never had a permanent place to stay or family to love on her.
That is MESSED UP. Not even a permanent foster? WTF?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 7, 2012 10:59:25 GMT -5
Very few Asians end up in foster care.
Why is that? Do you know?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 7, 2012 11:01:20 GMT -5
If you'll notice, celebrities don't adopt kids from the US.
Sandra Bullock adopted her baby from New Orleans or somewhere in that area that was affected by Katrina, I can't remember.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 7, 2012 11:09:48 GMT -5
Asians take care of their own and probably have fewer unwanted children. Focus on education and not sex?
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 7, 2012 11:18:54 GMT -5
Firebird: My guess is a closer knit community where extended family is willing to step up and take kids when there are issues. If a family placement can be found, that is always preferable to the foster care system. Or it could be that people in the Asian community don't report other Asian families. The number of referrals CPS gets about Asian families is really low, too. For WA state, this report shows the numbers www.wsipp.wa.gov/rptfiles/08-06-3901.pdf The charts that are most useful are on pages 7 and 8. While there are lots of white kids in the foster care system, they are underrepresented when you compare percentage in foster care to percentage of whites in the general population. As a percentage, Native American kids are the most likely to end up in foster care and Asian children are the least likely. drama: Sorry, I know very little about the Sandra Bullock adoption, so have no issues being wrong there. Private adoptions follow very few of the same rules as adoptions from foster care. Again, I am not saying that she didn't do a good thing. I think it's fabulous to see celebrities choosing to adopt. I'm just saying there are different barriers to entry for the different types of adoption. Some celebrities have a much easier time meeting, and some they would never put themselves through the process for. It simply is what it is.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 7, 2012 11:51:04 GMT -5
raeoflyte: Thank you. Just remember that every state is different when it comes to foster care and adoption, and one of the reasons we have as many hoops to jump through as we do is that we are open to adopting from foster care, which requires us to become licensed foster care providers first. If you are doing a private adoption, or going through an agency that doesn't do foster to adopt, the experience will be very different. (And most likely much more expensive.) zib: From the trainings we went to, the impression I got was that it never mattered to the adoptive families, and that while they were still young, it didn't matter much to the adopted kids, either. The problems came when they moved out on their own. So now, instead of everyone knowing that them and their family, people only see them. It created culture shock and identity crisis when they went from being Joe's black kid, to just a black kid. And again, that identity crisis then came back and caused issues with their adoptive families. It's one of those things they want us to think about and be aware of because a child is your child for life, not just until they turn 18 or head off to college. Now, it sounds like your neighborhood has a number of black kids adopted into white families. That gives the kids and their families natural support groups, which is fabulous. But there is still going to be an issue when one of those black young men, perhaps walking with his white sister, gets harrassed on the street, or gets stopped by a cop simply for being a young black man. His parents need to be prepared for that; they hopefully need to find a way to prepare him and his siblings for that. I would love to live in a color blind world, and I can do my best to raise a child with that goal in mind, but I also must, as a parent, prepare my child to live in the current world. It's something that most white folks have never had to deal with, and that white parents of white children won't have to think much about. But when any member of your family is of color, you do damage to the entire family by trying to pretend to the rest of the world is as color blind as your family, or even your neighborhood. And before the trainings, I thought a lot like you. It really surprised me to see how difficult it had been for children of color, who had been raised in a color blind household, to adapt to a non color blind world. I'm always amazed at how beautifully you can explain things.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jun 7, 2012 12:24:37 GMT -5
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 13, 2012 14:47:47 GMT -5
Home inspection is tomorrow. DH ran off to Lowes to buy a couple of fire ladders for our room and the baby's room. Techinically, we don't need them as we only have one floor and a basement, but as is common in Seattle, our house is built into the side of the hill. Especially from our room, it is a 2 story drop to the ground, so, fire ladders.
Other than that, we need to do some last minute cleaning- mop and vacuum floors. There are a couple of spots I want to steam clean, but that's it. We're done.
Of course, then we enter the "waiting" pahse where there is nothing more we can do. We wait for the official license and then we wait for a match. I guess, there are some events that allow children in foster care to meet potential adopters, and we might go to some of those, but I don't know how often they are or anything like that.
So yeah, about to be done (feels good), but then in limbo. Not certain how I'll handle nothing being in my control anymore.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 13, 2012 15:03:53 GMT -5
So yeah, about to be done (feels good), but then in limbo. Not certain how I'll handle nothing being in my control anymore. We're keeping good thoughts for you! Excited to see you this weekend.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2012 15:11:04 GMT -5
Good luck with the home study tomorrow! I know it will go great, but it is nerve wracking to have someone coming into your home like that.
My understanding is that the waiting may actually be the hardest part. If you can, I'd try to find "projects" that you can work on, so you feel like you are making progress towards the baby coming home - even though your child will come when he or she is ready. I don't know how wide an age range you are open to, but maybe start making some lists of things you will need?
If our child is ages 0-6 months, we need x, y, and z. Consumer reports says A is the best brand of Y. If our child is ages 6-12 months, we don't need x anymore, but we'll need y, z and q. No matter how old they are, we'll need a ___, so we can look at prices and reviews before we buy ___. etc...
You're a YMer, so when in doubt, make some sort of spread sheet.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 13, 2012 15:34:32 GMT -5
Firebird: Where are you registerd, missy? Or at least remind me if you got a CostCo or Sam's Club membership...
Sarah: Ahh, the tricky questions. Our preference is 0-2 years old. However, we would be open to an older child. As part of the home inspection, we have to have a crib, so we have one. However, we only have to have a plan for car seats/booster seats, but we did buy a subsription to Consumer Reports and have already researched, looked, etc. A lot will depend on if we need an infant seat, or if we only end up needing a booster seat, etc. We have to have some age appropriate toys for the home inspection, so again, we have a few. I do want to get a couple books though- Dr Suess, Golden Books type things.
There are other projects we want to do. We have discovered that there is the possibility that we have hardwood floors under our carpets (though they may also be just really high quality underlayering). We do want to rip up the carpet in the baby's room and if it's hardwoods, refinish, otherwise lay down laminate flooring. I also want to paint the room, which should come before new floors. Originally, my plan was for the room to be a pale shade of green, but with the MIL's passing, we have a ton of hot air balloon and orca/dolphin things (including some intarsia pieces made by my deceased step-father), so now we're going with a sea and sky motif, which means I'm looking at various shades of blue. And I want to put in a section of chalk board paint for writing notes and so the kid can draw on the wall when they're older/if we get an older child.
So yes, we have plans and projects. But I do think DH is going to want a few weekends of not having any extra home improvement work to do. Considering we started this process before the MIL passed, had to switch our efforts to her apartment, then had to figure out what to do with her stuff that DH wasn't willing to get rid of just yet, and then go back to working on our own things. So, since the beginning of the year, really, we've had some sort of project every weekend. We both need a short break.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 13, 2012 15:43:26 GMT -5
Good luck!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 13, 2012 16:06:58 GMT -5
Firebird: Where are you registerd, missy? Or at least remind me if you got a CostCo or Sam's Club membership...
So much for SIL making this info available to everyone. Target and Babies R Us, both under my name (I think BRU is also linked to DH's).
And you're correct, we did recently get a Costco's membership.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 13, 2012 16:09:00 GMT -5
Beth: Thank you. Firebird: Maybe that's on the FB invite page, but I didn't see it with a quick glance, and I'm too lazy to look deeper, especially when I can just ask you
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 13, 2012 16:14:22 GMT -5
Shane--good luck, but I know you'll do great! I'd suggest having as much 'non-baby/kid' to-do items as possible during the waiting process as well. Home improvements that you want not specifically for the baby, or take a new class like knitting or martial arts, or just anything to give you something else to think about and pass the time.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 13, 2012 16:15:03 GMT -5
I just want to add to the "you are strong to do this". The list in your OP is exhausting enough. For two procrastinators, it must be quite a mountain.
Is "everyone moves at their own pace" the "nice" way of saying "you move too slow?"
...:::"No one comes through a pregnant woman's house and makes sure that the stairs have no slip strips...":::...
The metrosexual in me is gasping in horror at what this must do to a thoughtfully decorated house. The businessman in me sees an opportunity for designer no-slip strips. "oooooh, you have the Gowron collection. FABULOUS!"
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 13, 2012 16:16:48 GMT -5
;D
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 13, 2012 16:45:23 GMT -5
raeoflyte: We decided in May that we would reward ourselves with a trip to Goldendale, WA to see the cement replica Stonehenge once we passed the home inspection. I'm hoping we can go do that Labor Day weekend (which is also our anniversary), but it will depend on the roomies schedule, or if we think we can take the dogs with us.
WWBG: Thank you. We set the date for this home inspection as soon as the social worker would let us (had to wait for background checks to come back), mostly so that we would have a deadline for getting the last little things done. One of the hardest parts to navigate is all the things people tell you you have to have vs what is actually written in the WAC (the laws surrounding foster care). It's broad enough that if they want to find a problem, they will. I think our social worker (who will be doing the home inspection) will be pretty reasonable. For example, we didn't end up getting the no slip strips for the indoor stairs, but we did make sure to cut away the ivy from our outside staircase. And we put a keyed lock on the door to the basement, so that we can just prevent a kid from going down there unsupervised in general. As for your business idea, it's already been taken. Walk into any Babies R Us or even Target, and you can find pretty much everything I mentioned. HOWEVER- if you actually made the Gowron collection and got it in stores- I would so be your target audience. I would so much rather have little red and black Birds of Prey stuck on the bottom of my tub instead of the blue and yellow duckies that are there now.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 13, 2012 17:04:09 GMT -5
The metrosexual in me is gasping in horror at what this must do to a thoughtfully decorated house. You have a metrosexual in you?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2012 18:03:35 GMT -5
This might be a double post, but I was thanking you for making a child's life better. And throwing some Karma your way.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 13, 2012 21:46:10 GMT -5
You and hubby should be very proud of yourselves for being willing to do this for a child who has no parents. Good luck!
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 14, 2012 10:14:28 GMT -5
WWBG: Forgot to mention this yesterday- I actually think the "everyone moves at their own pace" was a comment trying to get us to slow dow. Remember, we were doing this while the MIL was dying, and I think the SW wanted to make sure DH was done mourning the loss of his mother before we jumped into trying to bring a kid into the house.
susana: Thank you
TheOtherMe: First, thank you for the sentiment, and I think I know what you mean, but your comment is going to put me on my high horse for a moment. The child we adopt already has biological parents. If its an infant relinquishment, then they are parents who know from the beginning that they aren't the best choice for their child. If it is through the foster to adopt program, than they are parents who, sometimes for reasons beyond their control, aren't able to care for their child. But the child has parents. We will be new parents. We will be the legal parents, etc, but that doesn't mean there aren't already people out there who love and care for that child, even if they can't physically care for him/her. I bring this up mostly because we will almost certainly have an open adoption. The only way it won't be open is if the birthparent doesn't want it to be, or if the court decides it can't be. This is just one of those misconceptions or common turns of phrase that creates misconceptions about adopted kids, so ti's something I feel the need to speak out on.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 14, 2012 11:30:44 GMT -5
...:::"It's broad enough that if they want to find a problem, they will.":::...
Hopefully that also means it is vague enough to be able to defend any problem, or propose an alternate solution.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 14, 2012 14:38:21 GMT -5
Home inspection PASSED! Of course, we still have to wait for roommies background check to come in- they messed it up and had to redo it. But other than checking on those items, there is now nothing we have to do on our own. Once the background stuff comes in, social worker completes her report. We meet with social worker to go over report. She submits it for licensing. We get license We meet with placement coordinator.
Actually, there are two more things we need to do. First we need to complete our Dear Birth Parents letter and booklet so that some birthparents might actually choose us. Also, they've decided to put profiles of prospective adoptive parents online, so we need a picture that can be thumbnailed and to write a 100 word blurb. Luckily, I excel at 100 word blurbs.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 14, 2012 14:39:53 GMT -5
Yay!
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 14, 2012 14:41:16 GMT -5
Yay for you! You'll be a good Mommie! ;D Also I read "Dear Birth Parents" as "Dear Nail Planks" F&$^* Migraine
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 14, 2012 14:46:29 GMT -5
Also, we thought our room was too small for more than one child (laws against cramming too many kids into a small area), but it turns out it is big enough for two, so now we are able to open to sibling groups, which helps make placement a little easier.
Kat: I agree. Let's hope your new MD figures something out about this darn thing really, really quick.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Aug 14, 2012 14:49:36 GMT -5
shane - Congrats on passing the home inspection! Good luck with your and DH's endeavor into parenthood! Sending your way too!
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Aug 14, 2012 14:59:04 GMT -5
Congrats on passing the home inspection!!! Hopefully you receive a placement soon
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