NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 10, 2012 9:01:51 GMT -5
I get why they are there- but logically understanding something doesn't equal emotionally accepting it.
I hear ya. I'll walk thru the safety aisle and wonder why on earth does someone need to buy this and then several months later here I am buying it becuase the kid made me eat my words.
We're going to get an anchor for our TV. At the moment it is too high up for her to pull on top of herself but there have been several kids in the news that have died/been injured from falling TVs.
It's never something that occurred to us before. You wouldn't have been able to topple one of those giant box TVs like my parents had if you tried. It's not a problem we encountered as kids.
I even did the thing where you crawl around on the floor and look for "hazards" and I still didn't catch them all becaus it never occurred to me she'd be interested in some of it.
Social workers have probably seen it all and then some, so it's a lot easier for them to checklist your house compared to those of us who are learning it on the fly.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on May 10, 2012 10:45:54 GMT -5
Later: I don't intend to circumvent rules. The axes and swords will be either mounted high up on the walls, or locked away. However, when it comes to a 10+lb, 3' long fencing sword, if the kid is big enough that hurting themselves with it is a possibility, they're big enough for us to be teaching them to handle the weapon safely. I grew up in a house with weapons all over the place- and the rule was, if I wanted to see it, all I had to do was ask. I believe kids who have access to weapons (in supervised situations), who grow up in homes where weapons are not secrets or big taboos, are less likely to ever have an injury or accident related to weapons. I saw what my father's bear tipped arrows could do from a very young age- it never occurred to me to play with them because I knew what they could do. My axes are a slightly different story- at least my little one is. It is fairly light weight, so even though it's dull, I could easily see a kid causing damage with it. They both need to be put out of reach, and I will probably see about getting blade protectors for them, even though I don't intend to get them sharpened. moxie: Again, the cedar chest is locking, so the child won't be able to open it on their own. The room has no blinds, just tea length curtains with no strings. Neither of us really drink, so our alcohol could just go, but we like cooking with it, or the occassional hot chocolate with cinammon schnapps, so we'll just move it out of reach. But thanks for the offer. I have an old house with very few electrical outlets. I think every one we have is either in use or hidden behind a big piece of furniture, so we can't get to them, but we will check those things. There are going to be some sharp corners, but my furniture is arranged so that those aren't issues. We do have a toddler that comes to visit and runs around and gets into things, and so far injuries. Drama: I think TV anchor is one thing I shouldn't have to worry about. The only TV in a public space came on it's own base, which is heaviver than the top, and has wheels- I can't tip the thing over without help. I do take advantage of having a visiting toddler. I pay attention to what she pays attention to, and her parents will point out things. In all honesty, I think our biggest challenge will be the dog toys- we want the dogs to have their toys so they don't try and play with the child's, but we also don't want the child playing with the dogs' toys. (Not because we're worried about germs, but because the dogs know they are allowed to squabble over their toys and we don't want the issues that could arise from child and dog "fighting" over a toy.) I think a play pen (do they call them that anymore)/pack 'n play will be my best friend for a while.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 10, 2012 11:35:44 GMT -5
In all honesty, I think our biggest challenge will be the dog toys- we want the dogs to have their toys so they don't try and play with the child's, but we also don't want the child playing with the dogs' toys
What we generally do is we don't give the dogs stuffed toys anymore, they get bones or toys they can consume. We make sure all her stuff is picked up and if we catch them with it we correct them.
We also worked with them where we take their toys from them and we play with them to get them to be less possesive. We wanted them to understand these are OUR toys, we just let you play with them.
We work with Gwen so she understands this is the dog's toy and a growl means don't touch.
We've had no problems. Gwen's teethed on some of their bones (blech) but no squabbling over toys has happened.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 10, 2012 11:55:37 GMT -5
I totally understand not wanting to get an organizer, but I thought I would suggest it in case you hadn't thought of it.
However, if you lay out the rules right at the beginning and say that there is a significant amount of stuff that you are not emotionally ready to part with, they can't force you to throw anything out. They will just find a better way to help you store it.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on May 10, 2012 12:27:16 GMT -5
Drama: They already don't have stuffed toys. Our Aussie lived with MIL for a while, and she had stuffed toys everywhere, so we made the decision from the beginning that they would understand no stuffed toys were theirs. (That decision has followed through on to our current dogs.) Our dogs have never had a problem with us taking their toys away. I guess, sometimes they don't want to give the ball up, but they don't fight us for the toys. (We do have specific toys that we play tug with, but tug doesn't concern me.) We're the bosses. But is a toddler the boss? Mostly it will take us working with the dogs. Larry (our terrier) is already learning that running toddlers aren't to be chased, as much as he thinks they should be (yay for my friends with a toddler being dog friendly), and that her ball is not his ball- though we have requested that balls the size of tennis balls and smaller not be kids toys in our house- that one is just too confusing for the dogs. I should probably purge the bone pile, though. We certainly have more than 6 dogs need, and we only have 3 dogs in our house.
thyme: For now, we're actually doing really well. We got rid of 4 more boxes of stuff last night- books and DVDs mostly, but also some stuffed animals and some glass knick nacks that I have no use for, and two older suitcases. So, we're getting things worked out. If we hit a wall, I'll consider bringing in a professional, but as long as we're moving at a good pace on our own, I'm going to leave it be.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 4, 2012 11:56:26 GMT -5
So the last couple of weeks have been a little slow because DH hurt his back, then I hurt my back, and then we were both sick, but soem good prorgress has been made. All the extraneous mattresses are out of our basement. All the new door knobs I bought have been installed (there are two I didn't think about when I bought new knobs, so have to get to those.) We've moved all holiday stuff to the attic, along with a number of MIL's things that DH doesn't want to get rid of. We've taken numerous items to Value Village and Half Price Books, and e-recycling, etc. We do still have a few more runs of that to go. We have two more sets of shelving that need to go up, and a plan for the furniture in the baby/child's room. We do have to buy a crib and have it on hand (even if it's not set up). This weekend, DH and roomie put up our new locking cabinet for the alcohol, medications, vitamins, etc. I think we'll aslo end up putting household cleaners in there, even though, unlike vitamins, those don't have to be locked away, just inaccessible, it will be easier to have everything in one place. This is what we got www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004OR14NC/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i00DH is done with school after this week. I think we're only one to two weekends away from actually being ready to schedule the home inspection!
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 4, 2012 11:59:03 GMT -5
Things I forgot to mention- We decided to leave the cedar chest in the basement. It's where we're storing old family photos for now. Our dogs met a baby over the holiday weekend and did really well. When he started to cry, they all went into another room and lied down. I held him for over an hour and no one tried to get in my lap. There was no jumping at the baby, now trying to chew his shoes, or any of that. Junebug did give him some kisses, which made both him and his momma giggle.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 4, 2012 15:36:02 GMT -5
We also need to make it so that all the bedroom doors can lock. Foster kids are allowed their privacy, so we have to have bedroom doors that can be locked from the inside (but we also have to be able to pop the locks if we think something is wrong.)Wow, that one freaks me out a bit... but I suppose it's okay if you can pop the locks. I can understand how a sense of security and privacy would be important for a foster child, but I also know (from my cousins fostering to adopt a few years ago) how quickly things can go awry and how easy it is to make bad things happen behind a closed door, never mind a locked one. Will your bedroom door lock from the OUTSIDE as well as the inside? I think that would be important for me. The last thing I want is a kid being to lock himself in my bedroom/bathroom during a tantrum or something. That wouldn't be such a big concern if you got a baby, though, only an older child. I'm thinking in terms of the six year old my cousins were fostering. But we've both had times when we've missed the warnings or the pain sets in really quick, so it's just something we want to be prepared for. Hmm. Do you know/like any of your close neighbors? There are a couple of people in my current neighborhood to whom I could probably explain the situation and say, "Is it okay if we keep a single dosage of the migraine meds at your place so you could bring them over in case of emergency?" Would help if the people in question were retirees or otherwise home all day... So much of this process is completely goofy. But it is oh so very worth it in the end.Personally, I'm heartened to hear that the procedures and regulations are so strict. Not in shanendoah's specific case, obviously, but in general. Not everyone is as sensible and street-smart as she is, and a lot of these kids are coming from bad situations (even the babies). It's nice that they are as thorough as possible before reassuring themselves that the new family will be better. So very excited for you and DH, you guys will make amazing parents to some lucky little child(ren) How long after the home inspection does it take to get a child placed? When I saw What To Expect last weekend (which you might want to watch as there's a whole storyline about adoption and the specific struggles of it they mentioned that it usually takes a year. I don't know how reliable that is but they said it several times during the movie so it stuck.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 4, 2012 15:44:49 GMT -5
Certainly no neighbors that we can leave meds with, but it's something I've decided to stop stressing over. Meds will go in the locking cabinet.
There really isn't a timeline. One year is as good a guess as any. Sometimes a placement happens within days or weeks, sometimes it takes years. The pickier you are, the longer it's likely to take.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 4, 2012 15:51:41 GMT -5
Are you guys picky? (By adoption standards, I mean.) I'd guess not, since you're willing to take an older child of a different race and/or with handicaps.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 4, 2012 16:37:52 GMT -5
We are reasonably picky. Preference is infant, would take a child up to 2 without much thought. Older than that would be case by case basis We are willing to take some medical issues- but not a whole lot. We'd rather deal with a physical handicap (like asthma or deafness) than a mental handicap (I have a choice, so I'm not taking a child with Downs or Cerebral Palsey. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.) However, some physical issues are deal breakers too- I'm going to choose not to deal with MD. While race isn't a big deal to us, it is a big deal to the state/adoption agencies, so the fact that we're open to taking a child of another race won't make a major difference.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 4, 2012 17:16:35 GMT -5
While race isn't a big deal to us, it is a big deal to the state/adoption agencies, so the fact that we're open to taking a child of another race won't make a major difference.
Interesting. What's the rationale behind that one? Surely it's better to be permanently placed with a loving family of a different race than an endless realm of foster families of the same race? (No offense to foster parents; they do heartbustingly amazing work that I cannot imagine, but I'm just going on the assumption that in general, adoption is preferred over long term fostering.)
I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with major physical or mental disabilities. Frankly, I can see why those are the toughest cases. It doesn't make you a bad person at all. This is coming from someone who can't see herself adopting at all (except in family situations - I'm still willing to adopt my niece if it ever becomes necessary, but I'm talking about doing it the way you are). Everyone has different comfort levels; a child is best served going to live with parents who know their own boundaries and limitations, I think.
Anyway, *karmalizes*
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 5, 2012 10:56:06 GMT -5
Yes, a loving home is the most important thing, but the state really believes it needs to do its due diligence in order to place kids in a similar race situation. The rationale is that if my child is black, the rest of the world will always look at my child and see a black person first. They will not know his/her parents are white. They will not know his/her education or background or history. They will see a black person first. And as a relatively priveleged middle class white parents, we have no idea what that is like. We don't know what it is to be a black person in this world. So, before the state is willing to do a cross-racial placement, they want to make sure that we have the ability and willingness to see that our child is exposed to their birth culture, that they have contact with that community, that they have role models who look like them. And I agree that that is very important, and, in fact, wouldn't want to take a child that I didn't think I could provide that for.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 5, 2012 16:21:55 GMT -5
And I agree that that is very important, and, in fact, wouldn't want to take a child that I didn't think I could provide that for.
Yeah, that actually makes complete sense.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2012 14:56:08 GMT -5
I think the opposite. I think a child should be brought up in the best family regardless of color. Very hard to grow up prejudiced if your parents are of another race. You can see that they are just people, not black people or white people, just people.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 6, 2012 15:39:56 GMT -5
zib: not to turn this into a post on race, or anything, but if there were as many white babies being placed with families of color as there are babies of color being placed with white families, I'd agree with you. I mean, I agree with you, its a great way to grow up without prejudice of your own, but you still have to learn how to deal with the prejudices of society. Again, no matter how unprejudiced my child is, if I have a black child, the world still sees a black person first, especially when I am not there. I would want to raise a child so that they were capable of bridging the different communities they were part of. That means exposure to all of them, not just my insular community of mostly white geeks.
And more and more, the research shows us how absolutely important it is to have role models who look like you. Studies show that girls who have only male teachers/TAs for math think that they are bad at math, even when they are better at math than the boys. Girls who have at least one female math teacher/TA stop thinking that they are inherently bad at math. Yes, this is from the feminist literature, but I think it applies broadly.
We've had to take one training on cross racial adoptions already, and if we're end up being considered for a cross racial adoption, we'll have to take another. But listening to cross racial adoptees who were raised by parents as if race didn't exist- they actually had a lot more struggles emotionally when they left home, and it then created issues with their families who didn't understand what they were going through, or thought that they shouldn't go through that because weren't they raised to know race doesn't matter?
Race may not matter inside my house, but in the outside world it does, and I think we do children a disservice by pretending that it doesn't.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2012 16:00:33 GMT -5
That just seems odd. In this community I am now living in, it seems the thing du jour is to adopt a black child of the opposite sex if you have two white children of the same sex. I see it everywhere I go. I suppose they think they are Angelina jolie or something but on the other hand, there's one less child unwanted. I would hope the goal would be to give a child a loving home and not be thinking about race which starts all this shit to begin with.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 6, 2012 16:39:10 GMT -5
zib: I guess a lot depends on state laws and norms, if they're adopting through the state/from foster care. If they are doing an international adoption, it costs more, but I don't know what kind of cross-cultural training they would have to do. WA was sued over it's foster care practices roughly 10 years ago and lost, so we might have some extra hoops to jump through. Overall, though, the goal isn't to get the child into any home, it's to make the best possible match for child and parent(s), and so cultural considerations have to be made.
One of the families who came to talk at a training was a lesbian couple and their baby girl. Before this match was made, they had a potential match with an older child. That child decided that she had enough things going on and didn't want to deal with having two moms. It surprised the women (they expected prejudice from the foster parents or social workers, but never the kids), but in the end, they understood. Are they loving parents? Yes. Would they have been loving parents to that child? Certainly. But it wasn't the best match. And if the goal (and it is the goal in WA state, per the lawsuit) is to move the child around as few times as possible, then you don't make the "maybe" matches.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 6, 2012 16:52:36 GMT -5
Race may not matter inside my house, but in the outside world it does, and I think we do children a disservice by pretending that it doesn't. It's really easy to say that race doesn't matter when you're white in this country. (Spoken from the whitest girl there is).
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 6, 2012 16:56:13 GMT -5
Shenandoah--I haven't posted, but I really enjoy your updates. We still hope to adopt in the future, and its nice to see the details. Best of luck--I have no doubt you will have a wonderful and loving family.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2012 18:44:52 GMT -5
I'm not saying race doesn't matter. What I am saying is that when there is an interracial adoption, it's hard for anyone to be prejudiced. It's a first step in realizing the problem is with you, not your skin color.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 6, 2012 19:04:50 GMT -5
It's a first step in realizing the problem is with you, not your skin color. I don't understand what you mean by this?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2012 19:16:25 GMT -5
That becoming color blind is important. I think in a few centuries there will be so much intermixing of races that no one will be pure anything. Hard to pull the race card or feel superior to anyone when you are all mixed races.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 6, 2012 19:19:52 GMT -5
I will welcome that day Zib--but until it is we can't just say it shouldn't matter--because it does.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2012 20:15:08 GMT -5
Doesn't seem to here and I'm glad.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2012 20:17:36 GMT -5
Doesn't seem to here and I'm glad. Who is posting with zib's account?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2012 20:24:39 GMT -5
Well, I think of the women like Sandra bullock, who could have adopted a white baby but chose a black one because that child needed a home. A white baby could get a home in a new York minute but a black baby, not as fast. The goal should be a loving home, not a white or black home.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2012 20:25:40 GMT -5
What about Lionel Ritchie? He adopted a white child, Nicole. No one said diddly about that.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jun 7, 2012 10:21:50 GMT -5
Zib - Ritchie knew Nicole's parents. It wasn't just a random placement.
My parents were denied adoption for a little girl with special needs because she was of a different race. They met her when my sis was in the hospital for cancer treatments - this little girl was abandoned at the hospital by her parents because they couldn't deal with her illness. My parents started working with the social workers at the hospital to start the process for fostering & adopting her, but before she came home the social workers pulled the plug on it. Kid ended up bouncing around in foster homes (they wouldn't even let my parents be her permanent foster family), and she passed away from her illness when she was about 8. So sad that she never had a permanent place to stay or family to love on her.
Good luck, Shane!! I hope you get your placement soon.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 7, 2012 10:55:40 GMT -5
That agency should be ashamed of themselves. Children need a loving home not a white or black home.
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