Train wrecks

[upstatemom]

Gin, I thought you could use some Karma just in case your MIL does come or at least tries to come to live with you...

[zibazinski]

They are going to "rediscuss" it next week as he is giving his EX time to FIND the missing money.

[midjd]

I have a friend who is like this... she recently left her husband (which was probably the last good decision she made) but since then, instead of concentrating on picking up the pieces, finishing school, and finding a steady job, she's been trying to sleep her way through the Western hemisphere. She seems to be getting all the repressed teenager out of her system, which is fully her prerogative, but I get a little weary of the 2am phone calls after her most recent fling decides he doesn't want to see her anymore...

Her latest adventure about 2 weeks ago resulted in me loaning her $60 to buy Plan B. This was a few days after she'd spent $45 on a reading from a 'love psychic'. I would not have ordinarily loaned her the Plan B money, but 1) I went to the store and bought it myself instead of giving her the cash, and 2) my patience has worn a bit thin over the past several months and I figured, either I get the money back and all is well, or I don't and I know our friendship has run its course. Maybe that's wrong of me, but I can only tolerate so much self-created dysfunction in someone's life before I start to cut ties...

[Deleted]

My sister. She buys things she can't afford with money she doesn't have (credit cards).

[NastyWoman]

Jan 19, 2011 10:15:26 GMT -5 @tea4me said:

I know a girl that has six kids with six different men. She is single. As far as I know, she never worked. One time she commented to me that I am "always working." Well, yeah, it's called a full-time job. She told me every job she applies for tells her she is over-qualified. .

She must be applying for horizontal jobs, since those would be the only ones anyone could possibly consider her overqualified for. Maybe she gets rejected based on the fact that her safety record is not all that good- hence the six kids..

[Artemis Windsong]

I have friends who can draw out my emotional train wreck but it's from family members' issues.

My new mantra is if I start to feel whiney, I will limit my time or walk away.

Actually, my life is "living the dream".

[Frugal Nurse]

My brother and his wife are HORRIBLE with money. They always have been, and I guess they always will be. She is a paralegal but makes only $9.00/hr (when I worked as a paralegal I made around $45- $50K/year, I don't know why she accepts such a low paying position). He does something with computers, works for a large company, and makes somewhere around $20/hr. They bought their House before they got married, and "borrowed" (this and all subsequent uses of the word borrowed mean that they said they'd pay it back then never did) money from my parents for the closing costs. My grandfather gave each of us a wedding gift of $1K. They called him and asked him for their wedding gift in advance so they could afford to buy appliances for their new home...they weren't even engaged yet! (some people have no shame.)

When they got engaged, my brother borrowed $2K to buy her a nice ring. Then me and my parents paid for the wedding. Then, of course, baby makes 3. My parents ended up buying all her nursery furniture, diapers, formula, they even had to borrow money from my parents to pay $20 doctor co-pays for check ups and illnesses every time she went to the doctor. Last summer the a/c in their car died (they live in Alabama and the summers are HOT- a/c is a necessity with a small child). The total cost to fix it? $800. My parents paid for that, then the next week my brother drops his daughter off at their house for the week while he and his wife fly out to Utah for a friend's wedding!

My parents (who are not the best people and really shouldn't have had children) end up watching my niece every other weekend from when they pick her up from daycare on Friday until my brother takes her home at 7 pm on Sunday night. The poor kid is in daycare throughout the week too, so she never sees her parents. The weekend visits are not so they can work extra jobs, it is so they can participate in community theater.

They spend every penny they get on video games, a 60 inch TV, blu-ray, new furniture. I get so angry at him. I live my life responsibly and don't get any help form the parents. My brother just floats along in life, doing as he pleases, and my parents do whatever they can to make him happy. My parents say they do it "so the baby doesn't suffer" Whatever...

[Frugal Nurse]

One of my friends got married this summer. She has been a community college student for the 7 years I've known her, and has yet to earn a degree. She is 26 has no job. Her DH is 27 and works in pest control. He makes great money when the spring and summer are here, and barely works at all in the fall and winter. They moved into an apartment and are living on their own for the first time (they've lived with their parents their entire lives). She has always spent any money she gets on clothes, eating out, going to clubs, etc. She has a completely unrealistic view of money. She once told me she wants her grandfather to buy her a Gucci purse (or some big name designer- i forget which one) for $2K. I asked her why. She said because it makes her feel successful. I called her out on it and said "someone else spending their money on a gift for you makes you feel successful,. when you don't even have a job?" I am trying to end this friendship because she is annoying and ungrateful in many ways, but she doesn't seem to be getting the message and keeps calling me...

[sheilaincali]

frugalnurse- except for the community theater part I could be reading a post about my brother. He dumps his two kids on my parents constantly. Then his hopefully stbEx decides that she is overwhelmed by their 3 year old and calls DBro and says "Come get your daughter, I can't deal with her right now". This happens nearly every time is "her" weekend with the kids. So DBro goes and gets her and drops her off at my parents.
Wouldn't be so bad except the kid is a total brat. She swears like a sailor. At Christmas she called her 6 year old cousin a "stupid B%%ch!" And my brother did nothing to discipline her.

[Frugal Nurse]

Jan 24, 2011 10:09:54 GMT -5 sheilaincali said:

frugalnurse- except for the community theater part I could be reading a post about my brother. He dumps his two kids on my parents constantly. Then his hopefully stbEx decides that she is overwhelmed by their 3 year old and calls DBro and says "Come get your daughter, I can't deal with her right now". This happens nearly every time is "her" weekend with the kids. So DBro goes and gets her and drops her off at my parents.
Wouldn't be so bad except the kid is a total brat. She swears like a sailor. At Christmas she called her 6 year old cousin a "stupid B%%ch!" And my brother did nothing to discipline her.

Aww that is so sad. My niece is now 3 and every time she is at my parents' house, all she does is talk about how "My mommy will come pick me up soon" Every morning she runs to the window to look outside to see if her parents are there yet. When I call there and talk to her, the first thing she says is "Is it my mommy?" It breaks my heart. She is an absolute angel ( i swear the only thing she does "wrong" is try to get people to play with her). I don't know how to help her, but I try to be a good Aunt to her when I'm there (I live 6 hours away, so I don't see her often)

[zibazinski]

Bless you Frugal nurse. You are the ray of hope in that child's life.

[sheilaincali]

Frugalnurse: All you can do is try to be an advocate for your niece. Make sure you take time to call and visit with her on the phone. Send her little cards from time to time (kids love getting mail). Plan a special outing for when you are visiting your parents. I am closer to my BFF's daughter than I am my nieces and nephews. When we only got to see her a couple of times a year we sent her care packages, cards, balloons, pictures, etc.
I feel for you though, because as an aunt there is only so much you can do.

It does break my heart to hear my niece talking like her mom because her mom is a very toxic person. I tried enrolling her in gymnastics to get her out and involved in something but because of the 50/50 custody her mother refused to bring her or let me bring her when it was the "mom's days" with the kids.
My niece is all about getting any attention she can now because both her parents ignore her. When they were trying to potty train her she told my brother "daddy I need to go potty" and he said "go in your diaper and we'll change you later". He was at a pizza buffet and they had just brought out the dessert pizza. Lazy good for nothing sob if you ask me.

Of course I get the speech all the time "Sheila, your brother is under a lot of stress right now. Be patient with him." What stress? He works for my parents (badly I might add- sorry Clerks quote). He is grossly overpaid for the job he does. My parents pay the bulk of his bills and feed him probably 4 nights out of 7. He only has his kids half the time. So what stress? He is a drain on the entire family and my parents continue to baby his 33 year old butt and refuse to employ a little tough love.

[HoneyBBQ]

"That's allright. DF just called me frothing at the mouth because it seems his DD's money is "missing." His EX seems to have "lost it." He left her as custodian on some of their DD's bank accounts/cd's and when he went with DD to get it out in preparation for her move, it's not there where it's supposed to be. He's gone over to confront her. Can't wait to hear this saga. Not. "

Thank the heavens my H took control of his children's college funds in the divorce decree. At first his X did not want to relinquish control of the account. Then H pointed out that she would not be contributing to their college WHATSOEVER (she has no job even now, 5 years after the divorce even though the youngest is 16) so therefore HE should be in charge of their college fund.

Luckily, she finally caved in and signed the account over to him. She cashed out her half of the 401k to move back home and in with her mother (she is 50 years old).

[zibazinski]

Knowing DF he will just "make Up" to DD whatever the amount is that's missing.

[HoneyBBQ]

zib

That is so infuriating when basically one parent funds EVERYTHING and yet custody is "50/50".
In my H's X's opinion, since he is the one that wanted the divorce, he gets to pay everything.
I can't WAIT til his youngest is 18 (2 more long years) and we never have to be involved with her again... (and stop paying 2k a month in child support, lol)

His X even told his daughter that she wouldn't GET to go to college out of state and that she had to stay and live with her (like she lives with her mother... get it?). We talked to her and told her she can go wherever she can get in and we will pay for it.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I have a friend who's trying to avert her own train wreck now. They made some hard choices and last I heard they were squeaking by. My impression is that just about every penny is being spent and they're thinking about bankruptcy.

I think they're one unexpected bill away from disaster right now. IF nothing goes wrong AND her DH gets OT they may be able to recover. But it's going to be a long, hard slog for them.

[zibazinski]

DF's DD is 22 so custody isn't an issue but that money was "hers" left to her by DF's Mother when she died so the fact that it is "missing" must feel like losing his mom all over again. That X of his is certainly a piece of work. To steal from your own child. Not like she didn't walk away with millions but it's never enough, I guess.

[HoneyBBQ]

Zib - that is terrible. I hope she "finds" the money. Was it in a joint account with the X? Can she sue her own mother for the money back?

[zibazinski]

No, it was custodial and because of the amount and other amounts that DF and the X had, they had several accounts in several banks and he must have thought he could trust the child's mother with the money. He discovered during the divorce process that a LOT of money was missing that was supposed to be there but his DD's account was there so he just let it go as opposed to arguing about the missing money but she stole from her own DD, that's just sick. DD won't sue her mom but there will be issues between them now.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't know if my sister-in-law is a train wreck per se, but I know they co-signed for student loans they are on the hook for after their son dropped out and now someone co-signed to qualify him for a mortage. . .

Eeep.

[Deleted]

Jan 22, 2011 12:45:01 GMT -5 upstatemom said:

Gin, I thought you could use some Karma just in case your MIL does come or at least tries to come to live with you...

LOL, thanks, she has mentioned it and my DF has flat out told her no, I do understand, she is from a different culture and that is how they do things but she is not living in my house.

[debtheaven]

DF's DD is 22 so custody isn't an issue but that money was "hers" left to her by DF's Mother when she died so the fact that it is "missing" must feel like losing his mom all over again. That X of his is certainly a piece of work. To steal from your own child.

Aw Zib, I'm so sorry. But WHY did he let his ex manage that money?! Given what you have posted, if I had been your DF, I would have preferred to bite the bullet tax-wise (I'm guessing that was the issue) and retain control of it. Visibly he could have afforded it.

On some level I am very proud that my out-laws (former in-laws) have asked me to manage the money they have gifted to DD. Every euro is all present and accounted for. We don't speak often, but I called them recently about college costs for DD. So they asked me, five years later, how is her account doing? I said, great! They said, we didn't mean how well, we meant how much is in there. So I told them, they complimented me profusely.

So kill me, it felt good. They told me, tell her there's more where that came from, but she needs to know if she touches one red cent for anything else besides a DP one day, we will disinherit her. (And yes, that includes college tuition. Per their instructions, that money is NOT to be used for college tuition. Do I agree with them? Absolutely NOT.

Will I respect their wishes? Yes. I'm pragmatic. I'm looking at it like an employer match. Why pass up free money?!

[zibazinski]

It was easier to leave it the way it was than to change it and, really, other than her half, she was not a real jerk. Of course, she wanted out until her married BF decided her'd stay with his wife but by that time DF had re-connected with me and wasn't going back to her. She still tried a fair amount of the time, though, to get him back. She still plays some games from time to time. Sigh, she is just a bit of a pita and I hope DF gets a spine where she's concerned.

[debtheaven]

I hope your DF gets a spine as far as his DD is concerned. He is doing her no favors, but you are a smart cookie, you know that. That said, this particular incident is not his DD's fault.

Life is not always easy. But I think we always sleep better if we always try to do the right thing. Apparently, that comes more easily to some people than others.

[thyme4change]

I knew this gal once - she was a total train wreck. She loaned money to boyfriends who would never pay her back. Ran up credit card debt on useless stuff - eating out, vacations. She never really lived anywhere she could afford, and eventually bought a house with no money down - and really couldn't make the payments. She let her boyfriend, who was heavy with credit card debt and student loans, move in, live for free, and then he stopped working full time so he could go back to school. She never saved any money and spent every dime she got her hands on. She bought cars every 3 years or so - rolling her balance into the next car. She also took unneccasary chances at work, and really stumbled in a couple of jobs where she could have been really successful.

Luckily, she found this group of people on-line that somehow reached her - and she and her boyfriend-turned-husband decided to pull it together. They drove their cars until it was beyond embarrassing. They paid off all their credit cards. They maxed out their 401k and started saving and investing outside of that. They pulled it together career-wise also, and now they both make damn good money - all while living in a small house with a small mortgage. They have upgraded their cars, but are still driving older, practical cars. They still piddle away money on stuff - vacations, food, wine, clothes - but because of their low fixed costs, they still have a high savings rate.

[zibazinski]

DF needs a spine with X and with his DD. I can handle the DD better than I can the X because it's DF's fault she is what she is but at least she is a decent person, the X is white trash that lucked into DF's life when he was at a low point and glommed on for all it was worth and it was well worth it.

[debtheaven]

Thyme
She sounds like a great gal! ;-) Plus she lived in a land where you could get HELs and HELOCs!

ETA: The only problem I have with this story is her DH. So he went back to school, despite the fact that dealing would have been more lucrative?! This is still YM, even if it's on Proboards now.

LOL!

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"he X is white trash that lucked into DF's life when he was at a low point and glommed on for all it was worth and it was well worth it. ":::...

If she walked away with millions, yeah it sounds like the ex did well for herself.

I do hope things work out on that front. Money going "missing" when someone obviously stole it is a sticky issue. I hope he does not take the "its not worth it" stance again.

Like you said, the Mom has done irreparable damage to her relationship with her daughter.

[thyme4change]

Actually - his education has been a good deal for us. The tuition wasn't too much - probably about $6k for undergrad. His first job out of school was about a $8k increase from what he was making before that. He doubled that his salary in 5 years. That is when he went off to Law School. At that time we had gotten it all together, and saved enough to pay for that too. It only cost us about $20k-ish. His first job out of law school was $35k higher than his last job before law school. And - as a funny side bonus - his job was eliminated a few weeks before he went to law school - so he would have been out of work anyway.

[zibazinski]

I'll bet you even money that he does just "blow it off." That is why I ask him not to even tell me about his financial dealings with his DD or his X. He just "had to vent." But then I get freaked out as well. I just need to breathe deeply and let it go because the alternative makes me crazy. I'm VERY careful with my money, probably because I never had a lot of it. I suppose the uber rich feel differently.