Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 10, 2020 10:17:22 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 10, 2020 10:19:55 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 12, 2020 22:18:31 GMT -5
🤣🤣🤣
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Aug 13, 2020 14:42:40 GMT -5
I am on a small commuter plane between Houston and Dallas on a small, cheaper airline. We have been sitting on the runway for about 30 minutes already and it is looking like we’ll be there longer. Please note this was before the law that planes sitting on runways more than 30 mins have to return to the gate. There is a businessman a few rows behind me who has been complaining constantly and making a fuss. One of the stewards is a gay man and like the rest of us, he is getting sick of this guy) Businessman: “This is ridiculous! Don’t you know who I am! I will be calling up your CEO and making a complaint!” Steward: “I’m very sorry for the delay, sir.” *walks away* (5 minutes later after hitting the attendant call button) Businessman: “How much longer can this take! I am going to be late to a very important meeting! I will have your job for this!” Steward: “Again, I’m very sorry sir and we will let you know as soon as we have an update.” *walks away* (5 minutes later after hitting the attendant call button) Businessman: “How much longer can this take! I am going to be late to a very important meeting! I will have your job for this!” Steward: “Again, I’m very sorry sir and we will let you know as soon as we have an update.” *walks away* (This goes on for the whole 30+ minute wait. Finally the steward snaps) Businessman: “I am going to be late! Don’t you know who I am!” Steward: *In a very flamboyant voice* “Honey look, there is only one queen on this plane and that’s me!” (The businessman is stunned into silence while all of us around him are laughing. He didn’t make a peep the rest of the trip though!) notalwaysright.com/unfiltered/page/2/
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Aug 14, 2020 11:01:58 GMT -5
Be Prepared
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. Once home, his wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 14, 2020 11:33:35 GMT -5
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 14, 2020 12:03:37 GMT -5
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes.
The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 14, 2020 12:09:05 GMT -5
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Aug 15, 2020 20:26:30 GMT -5
Gentle Southern Woman
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who the hell is Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart. You just go ahead and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee.'
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 17, 2020 16:49:03 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 18, 2020 6:46:05 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 21, 2020 16:52:59 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 21, 2020 16:54:51 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Aug 21, 2020 19:46:34 GMT -5
Old Lady's Phone
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone often failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Aug 24, 2020 19:36:46 GMT -5
Another NAR funny. I work at the front desk at night in a hotel. On this particular day, I’ve been asked to stay a few hours late. Knowing that mornings are busy, I run to the bathroom while there’s no one there. I’m gone for maybe two minutes, and then I come out of the bathroom. Guest: “There you are! How dare you leave your desk?! Don’t you know that important people like me need to check out?” Me: “My apologies, sir, which room is it?” Guest: “It’s [room number]! And I’d like to leave a comment card for your manager about your incompetence!” Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but we have no comment cards available at the front desk. However, I’d be more than happy to inform my manager that Mr. [Caller] believes that I shouldn’t be allowed to empty my bladder when I see fit, seeing as that would dictate whether I was competent or not.” Guest: “Snotty little b****!” *Storms off* The other guest gave a slow clap and head nod of approval. notalwaysright.com/
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Aug 24, 2020 23:09:20 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Aug 24, 2020 23:10:53 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 26, 2020 16:38:23 GMT -5
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gambler
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Post by gambler on Aug 26, 2020 20:13:55 GMT -5
The Last Kiss
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe....why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she/he jumped or was pushed.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 27, 2020 0:25:31 GMT -5
Hahaha I didn't see that one coming!
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Aug 27, 2020 15:17:32 GMT -5
Sorry gambler, I typically like your jokes but I think this one is inappropriate. I have dealt with a lot of LGBTQ kids and suicide is a high risk for these kids. I've got one right now in my house who attempted this weekend due to family pressure. It's a huge risk and very sad as she's a kind, brilliant and gifted human being.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Aug 27, 2020 19:15:27 GMT -5
Never mean to be inappropriate will keep in mind going forward
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Aug 27, 2020 20:03:55 GMT -5
Also please consider putting guys in the doghouse instead of the hospital or the morgue at the end of joke's in which they are jerks. The jokes are usually funny and not inappropriate until they end with domestic violence.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 27, 2020 22:09:24 GMT -5
Wow. Those kinds of things never even crossed my mind. 🤔
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Aug 28, 2020 13:48:21 GMT -5
Never mean to be inappropriate will keep in mind going forward Thanks! It's an education for sure so please don't feel bad. Your attitude of acceptance is refreshing. Trans people are also at very high risk for murder. Crappy all the way around.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Aug 28, 2020 18:03:21 GMT -5
Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 28, 2020 19:24:33 GMT -5
Stupid redneck: he went to a veterinarian for vasectomy advice.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Aug 29, 2020 10:29:29 GMT -5
High Birth Rate
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Sept 1, 2020 12:33:02 GMT -5
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Sept 1, 2020 23:11:31 GMT -5
Have you been hanging out with my mother?!
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