toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Feb 9, 2020 23:42:30 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 10, 2020 15:04:56 GMT -5
Cave Drawings
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least Three thousand years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge Meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a Woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel Dig the Ass on that Chick.' "
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 10, 2020 18:01:11 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Jokes
Feb 11, 2020 8:46:46 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by toomuchreality on Feb 11, 2020 8:46:46 GMT -5
🤣🤣🤣
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 11, 2020 12:15:49 GMT -5
ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill
warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.
Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've worn for decades.
"What is the meaning of this," Satan demands. "You two almost seem comfortable."
"Oh don't you know," answers Ole, "this is the first time we've been warm in years."
*Okay* think Satan. *I'm gonna really turn up the heat and see how these two like it*. "We'll see if you're still laughing in a minute." Satan instructs a demon to really pour the coals on and proceeds to go check on his other chargers.
He returns a while later, and to his astonishment, finds Ole and Sven stripped down to their boxers and sweating a little, but still with huge smiles on their faces. "What is the meaning of this!", he exclaims!
"Uff da", answers Sven. "It's gettin' a little warm down here, but after decades of Minnesota cold, we can finally feel our bones start to thaw. We're warm for the first time in our lives, mister."
Feeling more than a little desperate, Satan thinks of a new plan. "Alright" he retorts, "you two were sent down here to suffer. Maybe the best environment for that is one like your miserable home land!" Satan then instructs his demons to make Hell *freeze*. Heaters are exchanged for supernatural A/Cs. Liquid nitrogen tanks are plugged in - the works. Satan leaves to go attend other business.
He returns again a short time later expecting to find Ole and Sven miserable from being in the bitter cold once again. To his bewilderment, Ole and Sven are redressed in there parkas and hats, but are hoopin' and hollerin' like never before.
Defeated, Satan asks, "What is it with you guys? I make Hell hotter than ever and you guys enjoy it. I make it colder than anything even you two have experienced and you're still full of joy. What is going on?!"
"Well," answers Ole, "for the first time in our lives, we were able feel warm, which felt pretty good. But now, with hell froze over, that can only mean one thing!"
"The Minnesota Vikings have won the Super Bowl
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toomuchreality
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Feb 12, 2020 20:45:23 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 12, 2020 20:53:43 GMT -5
We could use those in my neck of the woods
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 12, 2020 20:57:00 GMT -5
Found a similar picture. Yes, we could use these trucks here in Tennessee. More rain exexpected next week. If I was on my desktop PC I could post your picture. But right now I am on my tablet. I have a tough time posting pictures from Facebook on my tablet. Meanwhile, here is the similar one.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Feb 12, 2020 21:42:28 GMT -5
We could use those in my neck of the woods Thank you! 🙂
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Feb 12, 2020 21:44:18 GMT -5
Found a similar picture. Yes, we could use these trucks here in Tennessee. More rain exexpected next week. If I was on my desktop PC I could post your picture. But right now I am on my tablet. I have a tough time posting pictures from Facebook on my tablet. Meanwhile, here is the similar one. Stay dry!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 13, 2020 17:37:16 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 14, 2020 0:51:32 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 17, 2020 16:57:09 GMT -5
Old Professor
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 17, 2020 19:35:54 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 22, 2020 18:04:10 GMT -5
Heart Attack
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 22, 2020 19:23:25 GMT -5
Heart Attack A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward." I was hit by a car when I was about five years old. I was crossing the street in front of my home. I froze in the street when I saw a car coming right at me and the car hit me. Fortunately, the wheels did not touch me. My parents ran out of the house when they heard the screeching auto tires coming to a halt. My dad cradled me and I asked him, "Am I alive or dead." Dad assured me I was quite alive.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 23, 2020 8:33:31 GMT -5
A woman was leaving a cafe when she noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary woman walking with a black dog.
Behind her was a queue of 200 women walking in single line.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She approached the woman walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line.
Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "That first coffin is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
"My dog attacked and killed him." "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
Then the wiman asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The woman replied, "Join the queue!"
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 25, 2020 17:16:18 GMT -5
No Warning
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 25, 2020 20:15:35 GMT -5
No Warning With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight." His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!" The husband said, "I know all that." "Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife. The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married." And the guy ate take-out for the rest of his life.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 25, 2020 20:18:48 GMT -5
No Warning With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight." His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!" The husband said, "I know all that." "Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife. The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married." And the guy ate take-out for the rest of his life. Thru a straw no less!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 25, 2020 20:20:01 GMT -5
And the guy ate take-out for the rest of his life. Thru a straw no less! True.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 26, 2020 2:04:03 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Feb 26, 2020 7:52:43 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 26, 2020 7:52:43 GMT -5
Me too!! Thanks a million BTW been meaning to tell you that I love your avatar.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 26, 2020 20:24:34 GMT -5
elderly ladies meet at the launderette after
not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
“Oh! My Slappy died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”
“Oh dear! I’m very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?”
“Opened a can of peas instead.”
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 27, 2020 20:35:11 GMT -5
Toastmaster Club
A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and decided to have a contest regarding who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 28, 2020 10:00:52 GMT -5
Boudreaux, A Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana.
Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux’s neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, They were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic.”
Boudreaux’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.
There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: “You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.”
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NoNamePerson
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Feb 28, 2020 10:58:01 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 28, 2020 10:58:01 GMT -5
I love Boudreaux jokes! Second only to Little Johnny jokes
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Mar 1, 2020 10:31:58 GMT -5
New Shotgun
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
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tigerpause
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Mar 1, 2020 13:46:25 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Mar 1, 2020 13:46:25 GMT -5
Me too!! Thanks a million BTW been meaning to tell you that I love your avatar. Meow! ---I mean thanks!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 1, 2020 16:21:56 GMT -5
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