NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 8, 2019 16:08:49 GMT -5
My son has the exact opposite problem. His middle name is his “main” name! He knew if his first name got called too his was in big dog doodoo.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Sept 9, 2019 13:11:11 GMT -5
Flies
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said—"Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Sept 9, 2019 23:58:02 GMT -5
Flies A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said—"Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though." Good one!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Sept 12, 2019 11:57:21 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Sept 12, 2019 12:41:33 GMT -5
"Are you freakin' serious?" So, after leaving the drive thru today, my wife took her sandwich out of the bag and we see THIS! Seriously? Oh, not today, not today! I went back to the restaurant, went INSIDE (already fuming), asked to speak to the manager, and then threw the sandwich on the counter. I asked him for an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing on the sandwich and demanded that he tells me why someone felt the need to write it on my wife’s sandwich. He answered, 'Because you ordered a BLT with cheese?' To which I replied, '...Oh.'"
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 12, 2019 13:19:54 GMT -5
Men In Black immediately came to mind.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 13, 2019 6:40:19 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Sept 13, 2019 10:06:24 GMT -5
A Texan's Guide To Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along...and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep...your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Finally, never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 15, 2019 4:27:11 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 15, 2019 4:29:17 GMT -5
"Are you freakin' serious?" So, after leaving the drive thru today, my wife took her sandwich out of the bag and we see THIS! Seriously? Oh, not today, not today! I went back to the restaurant, went INSIDE (already fuming), asked to speak to the manager, and then threw the sandwich on the counter. I asked him for an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing on the sandwich and demanded that he tells me why someone felt the need to write it on my wife’s sandwich. He answered, 'Because you ordered a BLT with cheese?' To which I replied, '...Oh.'" Next time order a bacon, egg, lettuce, cheese and ham. They'll write BELCH on it
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 17, 2019 7:51:32 GMT -5
An elderly American couple went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker explained to the husband that, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150".
The man thought about it and told him that he would just have his wife shipped home. The undertaker was surprised.
He asked the man, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have your wife shipped home when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk."
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Sept 24, 2019 13:27:58 GMT -5
The preacher and Little Johnny
The local Baptist preacher was riding his bike down the street when he saw a lawnmower with a “For Sale” sign in Little Johnny’s yard. Thinking he may strike a deal, he calls over to Little Johnny. “Hey son, you think you’d rather have a bicycle than that old lawn mower?”
It didn’t take long for Little Johnny to make the trade. Little Johnny went riding down the street and the preacher pushed the mower back to his house.
The preacher changed the oil, put in fresh gas, and pulled the cord. Nothing happened.
He fiddled with the choke, made sure the gas was turned on and pulled again. Nothing.
He went back through the procedure again. This time he pulled and pulled and pulled until he broke out In a sweat and ran out of breath. Nothing.
About that time, Little Johnny came riding by. The preacher hollered out “ Looks like you go the best of me, son!”
Little Johnny hollered back “Ya gotta swear at it!!”
The preacher was indignant. “Son, I am a man of God. And I have been over 35 years, and I haven’t sworn at ANYTHING since I became ordained!!”
Little Johnny yelled back “ Pull on that corded a few more times. It’ll come back to ya!!”
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Sept 27, 2019 12:08:18 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Sept 27, 2019 17:33:19 GMT -5
Bwahaha 🤣🤣🤣
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 6, 2019 9:11:24 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 6, 2019 9:12:27 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 6, 2019 9:14:42 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Oct 12, 2019 20:34:51 GMT -5
Church Bell
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble.
"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 13, 2019 12:19:57 GMT -5
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004; Thanks for all the laughs)
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 13, 2019 12:45:38 GMT -5
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knot12gossip
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Post by knot12gossip on Oct 13, 2019 13:04:22 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 14, 2019 13:11:14 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 14, 2019 13:42:23 GMT -5
I don't know why Tennesseer but your joke reminded me of Boudreaux jokes of long ago so here goes!!
Boudreaux and Bertha
Boudreaux, out in his pasture in south Louisiana , takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it Doc? . . . I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé, Bertha, is still a virgin - in every way.'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . . . Quite an impressive work of art and engineering.
Boudreaux mentions none of this to Bertha, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Ville Platte.
That night in the motel room, Bertha slowly open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said, 'You're da first, nobody has EVER seen deez.'
Boudreaux immediately drops his pants and replies,
'Look at dis, Bertha.......
..... ..still in DA CRATE!'
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 16, 2019 0:39:31 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 16, 2019 0:42:47 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 20, 2019 11:48:57 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 20, 2019 12:01:15 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 26, 2019 13:21:56 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 31, 2019 11:12:53 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 31, 2019 12:00:27 GMT -5
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