Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 20, 2019 12:46:11 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 22, 2019 7:21:49 GMT -5
Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 22, 2019 7:23:35 GMT -5
A Wife wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I've seen wildlife eating them and they seem OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,
"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,
"I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 22, 2019 7:38:40 GMT -5
British joke. 'Knackered' gave it away.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 26, 2019 17:17:29 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 27, 2019 9:35:55 GMT -5
The audit
A man was called in for an audit by the IRS.
So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."
Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. "A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Her friend told her to wear her most sexy negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel."
The man protested, "But Reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "It doesn't matter what you wear; you're still going to get screwed." said the Reverend.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 27, 2019 16:47:30 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 27, 2019 16:48:33 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 27, 2019 16:49:46 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 27, 2019 16:51:05 GMT -5
Modern-day funerals...
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 27, 2019 16:51:49 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 27, 2019 17:41:27 GMT -5
Funny but real obit. Not a national figure but special to his daughters who wrote the obit. Thomas (Tomm) WJ MulliganThomas (Tomm) WJ Mulligan of Nashua has passed away at home in his recliner as he had threatened to for years. He was a kid from Brooklyn who grew up to live the American Dream of marriage, a career, a house in the suburbs and two pain in the ass kids. He attended Bishop Ford High School. He was a DIYer with no less than five unfinished projects at any time. Tomm worked in technology at Lahey Clinic for over 20 years where he was clearly indispensable but his exact position remains a mystery. He never missed the opportunity to make an inappropriate joke or take a cigarette break. He was an exceptional office Santa. His passions included comic books, playing the lotto and making his children uncomfortable. He also really loved cheese. His love of Doctor Who was only surpassed by his love of not wearing pants at home. He often combined these two interests. Tomm had spent the last few years lovingly caring for his wife, Iris, who has advanced dementia. He will be remembered by all who knew him, Except Iris of course. Everyone else though. He is survived by his wife, Iris Mulligan; his favorite daughter Kim Mulligan of L.A.; his other daughter Amy Schiripo and her husband Alex of Dracut; his grandchildren Xander and Alana Schiripo to whom Tomm was devoted; his brother Keith Mulligan and niece Mariah Borthwick of Brooklyn. Daughters' funny obit honors dad 'who died in his recliner as he had threatened to'
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 28, 2019 0:30:31 GMT -5
Hahaha So good!
Sorry for their loss, but this obituary was very well written.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 28, 2019 10:06:30 GMT -5
A Jew on a Subway Train
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find ....
Jews being persecuted ...
Israel being attacked ...
Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage ...
Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find ...
Jews own all the banks ...
Jews control the media ...
Jews are all rich and powerful ...
Jews rule the world.
"The news is so much better !!! "
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 30, 2019 10:29:47 GMT -5
The Way It Was
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 4, 2019 19:16:37 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 8, 2019 20:09:19 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 9, 2019 10:02:43 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 9, 2019 19:23:06 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 9, 2019 19:46:24 GMT -5
I'm online with someone who works part time with Home Depot. She sent me this a while back and I forgot to post it. It cracked me up then and now
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 12, 2019 8:03:37 GMT -5
His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA...
Keep an eye on those southern boys!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 12, 2019 9:16:15 GMT -5
His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA...
Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Back in 1991, I sometimes drove my car to work in Manhattan because I had errands to run after work. I would park the car in a lot. The price for parking your car in a lot for work day hours was like $40. On top of that was like a 18% parking lot tax.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Aug 12, 2019 10:14:16 GMT -5
Silver Lining
Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just started, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'."
"No way. You're on."
The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.
"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse."
"Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 12, 2019 22:52:28 GMT -5
His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA...
Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Back in 1991, I sometimes drove my car to work in Manhattan because I had errands to run after work. I would park the car in a lot. The price for parking your car in a lot for work day hours was like $40. On top of that was like a 18% parking lot tax.Wow! I used to complain about paying $3.00 per day (no tax), in 1991. LOL
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 12, 2019 23:27:39 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Jokes
Aug 12, 2019 23:28:53 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 12, 2019 23:28:53 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 15, 2019 18:25:22 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Aug 17, 2019 5:56:50 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Aug 17, 2019 5:58:12 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Aug 17, 2019 5:59:21 GMT -5
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