NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 24, 2019 7:35:38 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 24, 2019 7:40:14 GMT -5
Bertha & Betty Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, "Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Bertha died.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."
"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."
"You're not Bertha. Bertha just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha," insisted the voice.
"Bertha! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.
"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
Life is uncertain - Eat dessert first!!!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jun 24, 2019 10:33:02 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jun 24, 2019 10:34:17 GMT -5
This is a groaner but must be posted. A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jun 25, 2019 11:26:58 GMT -5
Just a Weeee Bit
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning ,gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jun 27, 2019 11:04:31 GMT -5
Southern Law
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2019 12:09:03 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jun 29, 2019 9:41:28 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jun 30, 2019 10:37:02 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jun 30, 2019 10:38:56 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jun 30, 2019 12:20:35 GMT -5
At the Doctor's
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man."
"No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 30, 2019 17:44:11 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 1, 2019 20:17:38 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 2, 2019 12:49:47 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 3, 2019 22:50:53 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 5, 2019 0:48:58 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 6, 2019 9:10:53 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 6, 2019 9:12:41 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 11, 2019 13:02:48 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 14, 2019 21:02:50 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 14, 2019 21:06:36 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 15, 2019 20:23:42 GMT -5
At the Doctor's During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level. He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer "Golf is a good walk spoiled."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 15, 2019 22:33:44 GMT -5
A child's bedtime story told by a frustrated Samuel l. Jackson.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 18, 2019 7:48:34 GMT -5
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground.
Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once, had what is sometimes called an “epiphany,” a moment of heightened awaremess in which everything becomes clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant on my hand and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do.
Quit drinking before noon!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 18, 2019 12:03:34 GMT -5
What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a wimp in front of your older brother's friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R& team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision. 12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life. 12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted shit in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours. 12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1... 12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The shit/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your asshole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shit fart as it gurgled out of your ass. 1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your asshole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus. 8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your asshole's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a shit stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it. -unknown
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 19, 2019 8:02:15 GMT -5
Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club.
One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek.
The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jul 19, 2019 10:11:42 GMT -5
What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a wimp in front of your older brother's friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R& team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision. 12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life. 12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted shit in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours. 12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1... 12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The shit/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your asshole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shit fart as it gurgled out of your ass. 1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your asshole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus. 8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your asshole's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a shit stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it. -unknown Add in vomiting violent whilst sitting on the throne which is even more vile and difficult than it sounds and you have my last two colonoscopy experiences. When I have to go again in 3 years, I'm praying that there's a pill I can take instead.
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Tennesseer
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Jul 19, 2019 13:31:49 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Jul 19, 2019 13:31:49 GMT -5
What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a wimp in front of your older brother's friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R& team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision. 12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life. 12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted shit in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours. 12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1... 12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The shit/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your asshole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shit fart as it gurgled out of your ass. 1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your asshole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus. 8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your asshole's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a shit stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it. -unknown Add in vomiting violent whilst sitting on the throne which is even more vile and difficult than it sounds and you have my last two colonoscopy experiences. When I have to go again in 3 years, I'm praying that there's a pill I can take instead. I have had two colonoscopies to date. Taking the human draino and its later affects has for me been pretty benign. the bowel purging went pretty fast. I was just hungry the day before the procedure.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jul 19, 2019 13:35:40 GMT -5
Yeah, I should say, don't let this scare anyone else off. Colonoscopies are key to detecting colon cancer early when it's most treatable. I had my first at 35 because I have family history. Dr found and removed polyps that could have potentially become cancer. Even so, I only go back every 3 years because that's how slowly cancer develops.
My body unfortunately loves to vomit - multiple times a day for both pregnancies, motion sickness, and during migraines; the bowel prep sets off the same trigger for me.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 19, 2019 23:04:10 GMT -5
Yeah, I should say, don't let this scare anyone else off. Colonoscopies are key to detecting colon cancer early when it's most treatable. I had my first at 35 because I have family history. Dr found and removed polyps that could have potentially become cancer. Even so, I only go back every 3 years because that's how slowly cancer develops.My body unfortunately loves to vomit - multiple times a day for both pregnancies, motion sickness, and during migraines; the bowel prep sets off the same trigger for me. Ditto. And speaking of Magnesium Citrate and what it does and what one needs...
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