gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 4, 2019 15:45:07 GMT -5
Sex on the Sabbath
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Hoping to find a different opinion,, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 4, 2019 19:38:19 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 4, 2019 19:57:59 GMT -5
When I was probably about 4 yrs old, I asked my mom what (something) was like back in the old days. (meaning when she was young) -YIKES!I never made that mistake again! When DS was little, he thought there was no colour in the world back in the old days, when mom was small. Anywhere. Since all the photographs and TV shows were black and white, colour hadn't been invented yet. Has your son ever watched the movie Pleasantville? Good flick.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 5, 2019 10:00:09 GMT -5
After watching sales falling off for three
straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, ''What can I do?''
The Colonel says, ''I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.''
The Pope replies, ''I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words.''
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
''Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'''
And the Pope responds, ''It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words.'' So the Colonel gives up again.
After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. ''This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.'' The Pope replies, ''Let me get back to you.''
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, ''I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.''
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, ''The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.''
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 5, 2019 16:58:17 GMT -5
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Apr 5, 2019 17:28:04 GMT -5
When DS was little, he thought there was no colour in the world back in the old days, when mom was small. Anywhere. Since all the photographs and TV shows were black and white, colour hadn't been invented yet. Has your son ever watched the movie Pleasantville? Good flick. I have, but he hasn't.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 6, 2019 11:46:02 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 7, 2019 22:23:44 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 9, 2019 16:00:56 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 11, 2019 11:49:35 GMT -5
A little boy asked mom how he was born.
Well son, your dad and I took a little seed and planted in the ground, we watered it and took care of it. After some time a plant grew out of the ground and started to grow leaves and soon the plant grew a sweet little bud. We took the bud and smoked it and we got so high we fucked without a condom and that is how you were born.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 12, 2019 15:46:57 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 12, 2019 19:37:56 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 19, 2019 9:40:16 GMT -5
Apologies to you Scots...
An Arab Sheikh was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally,
the call went out around the world.
Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace
for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery
procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was
more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that theArab did not reciprocate his kind
gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him:
"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW,
diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and
a crappy box of chocolates?"
To this the Arab replied:
"Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 23, 2019 17:46:50 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 27, 2019 10:22:38 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 28, 2019 10:20:05 GMT -5
Beer and the Wheel
Beer & the Wheel:
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass, for obvious reasons.
Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.
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Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Apr 28, 2019 11:02:33 GMT -5
I usually don't post political stuff on FB but Beer and the Wheel, I posted.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Apr 28, 2019 11:05:01 GMT -5
I usually don't post political stuff on FB but Beer and the Wheel, I posted. Accurate descriptor for Beer and the Wheel.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Apr 28, 2019 11:08:23 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 29, 2019 14:04:25 GMT -5
Two Beggars
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 29, 2019 15:49:24 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 30, 2019 9:01:40 GMT -5
Sunday school lesson
A Sunday school teacher asked her class to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each of them what they had found.
Susie said, “He was placed in a manger.”
Bobby said, “He threw money changers out of the temple.”
Little Johnny said, “He has a pick-up truck but doesn’t know how to drive it.”
Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you find that?”
“From my daddy.” He replied. “Yesterday, we were driving down the highway, and this red pick-up truck pulled out in front of us and daddy yelled at him,
‘Jesus Christ, why don’t you learn how to drive!’ “
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on May 2, 2019 0:57:26 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on May 4, 2019 11:09:50 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 5, 2019 7:35:17 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 6, 2019 14:04:24 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on May 8, 2019 10:10:32 GMT -5
Must Be That New Guy
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers asked why.
The worker yelled "his wife is here with his lunch".
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 10, 2019 16:09:51 GMT -5
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi soldier with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 10, 2019 16:36:06 GMT -5
Gardening season...
An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on May 11, 2019 10:08:20 GMT -5
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