muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 11, 2011 14:34:05 GMT -5
Or, maybe there are alot of people living in sheds nowadays and i just don't know it. Or, maybe our definition of "shed" is different. To me, it is one of those small wood structures, usually with no windows and a wooden door that you plop down on the property. Or, are we really talking about a garage apt or something? Well, for 1 there is at least an ac unit, it is heated, it is insulated, it is carpetted, it has electricity, etc. I guess I am envisioning a detached man-cave. I guess i was assuming there was a window, but if there isn't ... it might change my perception a bit, but I still don't get the big deal. Personally, I would rather live in that shed than sleep on a sleeping bag in the corner of the living room, but that is just me. I value my privacy. Especially with a newborn. Having a space of my own would be far easier to deal with than a sleeping bag on the floor.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Aug 11, 2011 14:52:31 GMT -5
"I guess i was assuming there was a window, but if there isn't ... it might change my perception a bit, but I still don't get the big deal."
There is a window because the AC is a window unit. My perception is that the shed bedroom is likely a better option than a corner in a crowded house to throw a sleeping bag down. It probably isn't much different than a dorm room detached from the house and the OPs friend probably prefers this option. I dunno...I think the OP is meddling too much considering all the posts where this board advises people to cut expenses. While it might not be the most ideal place to live sleep at night, it is keeping her expenses low, it's likely not going to be long term and she has a support unit right there for her. What if she did call social services and they pulled her out...so now she has to pay for an apartment and only make $11 hour. How is that better when she doesn't have enough income as it is.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Aug 11, 2011 16:16:24 GMT -5
"I do not think it warrants calling CPS just because it isn't the ideal way to live."
Indeed not. I can recall so many scenarios where posters were unwilling to downgrade their lifestye based on their new circumstances and this board badgered them relentlessly on the difference between needs and wants on a low income (hint, Doxie). Now, we have a scenario where someone has downgraded her lifestyle to align with her salary, is not in a dire situation (like living in a car or a park bench) and the first response is to report her to social services because her parents converted the shed to a climate controlled bedroom and she made some dumbass comment about wanting to fit into a halloween costume! This poor girl is having a baby, has a POS husband, has significantly downgraded her lifestyle to be within her income and her best friend wants to make her situation worse by reporting her as an unfit mother to a child who hasn't even been born yet. WTH!
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steff
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Post by steff on Aug 11, 2011 16:24:03 GMT -5
My gramma had what we called a "shed", but she called a "mother in law" house.... it had a window unit, bunk beds, and a full sized bed in it and that was it. It was where guest stayed and where all us kids stayed when we went to visit. We had to go inside to use the bathroom. They did eventually put a 1/2 bath in, but for years there wasn't one.
So just because it's being called a "shed" that she is staying in, doesn't mean it's a tool shed....
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 12, 2011 7:36:58 GMT -5
Muttley- it is not heated. There are plans to put in a baseboard heater in the winter, but it is not heated at the moment. I don't know anything about baseboard heating, but it sounds dangerous with a crawling baby. There is no running water, and her plans for using the bathroom during the night are to use an old medical bedside commode that her parents had (I have no idea why they have that-eeew), and to empty it in the house's toilet when day comes.
And yes, when I say "shed" I mean a wooden thing you plop in your backyard. The have fixed it up to make it more like a bedroom, but it is still a shed.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 12, 2011 7:46:01 GMT -5
When we went registering for gifts last night, I got a lot more insight into this situation. She has not spoken to a lawyer, the lawyer advice is from her mom's friend, that her mom spoke to about the situation. She has not even tried to get WIC or Food Stamps. She hasn't told her husband they are divorcing, only that they are separated, so he thinks they can still work it out. She hasn't even told him why she left, because she doesn't have "proof." She seems to think all of this will just magically happen. While registering, instead of looking at practical things and looking at price tags when she registered, she just scanned what she thought was "cute" She registered for like 10 boxes of size 5 blue jean diapers. A $180 crib mattress because "It has a cute lamb on it." $600 worth of nursery decor (bumper pads, lamps, rugs, a $200 blanket/sheet set). I will (reluctantly) take the advice and do my best to stop trying to "save" her. I will still be her friend, but I have my own life to run, and I can't (and won't) support her financially. I realized that I need to save my money for the baby I will (hopefully) have in the next year or so. It was a disgusting wake up call to see all the very expensive, frivolous crap she registered for, without even thinking about what she was doing. I know her family, and I know her friends and relatives, and they are not able to buy $180 crib mattresses and $200 bedding sets. I tried suggesting she register for stuff she can afford, because she can get 15% off whatever is on her registry 2 weeks before the baby is born, but she thought that was silly.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 12, 2011 7:52:58 GMT -5
Muttley- it is not heated. There are plans to put in a baseboard heater in the winter, but it is not heated at the moment. I don't know anything about baseboard heating, but it sounds dangerous with a crawling baby. There is no running water, and her plans for using the bathroom during the night are to use an old medical bedside commode that her parents had (I have no idea why they have that-eeew), and to empty it in the house's toilet when day comes. And yes, when I say "shed" I mean a wooden thing you plop in your backyard. The have fixed it up to make it more like a bedroom, but it is still a shed. FrugalNurse, baseboard heating is the standard in huge parts of the country. So I can't imagine that part being a problem. The new ones aren't like the old ones that were used with steam heat. The real problem would be actually managing to heat an uninsulated wooden shed. I guess if you wanted to you could put in enough to do it but I would think it would cost huge $$$ every month to do it. If they are using extension cords to run the electric it would probably cost around a $1K a month just to heat it if it is in a place with actual winters. If you are going to spend that much to heat it why not just rent a room that has heat? In most parts of the country you could do that for way less. And I also can't imagine having my daughter move back in with me and telling her to sleep in the shed. I live in a really little house also and trust me we would find somewhere for her to sleep indoors.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 12, 2011 8:57:40 GMT -5
I doubt baseboard heating is dangerous for a crawling baby, well relatively speaking. Remember the baby is probably not going to be crawling until 6 months or so, so depending on where they live they may not need heat too often then.
Did they insulate the shed? What about a window?
Honestly if it is climate controlled in some form, I would MUCH rather live in a shed than an air mattress in the corner of the living room. Heck, even if it wasn't climate controlled or even fixed up, I still might prefer sleeping in a shed than an air mattress of a living room. At least you have some form of privacy there. Probably more than if you even had your own bedroom in the house.
I think it is a matter of what people value. Obviously, they place value on things differently than you do.
You can't save her from what you consider bad decisions.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 12, 2011 10:23:47 GMT -5
"You can't save her from what you consider bad decisions."
My grandfather used to say that people had a God given right to be #%@*!'s ;D
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 12, 2011 12:06:46 GMT -5
frugal- One of my friends from school (we were talking about something that has happened with former classmate that has left many of us angry) brought up a good point:
"You can't save everyone"
She doesn't get it and se doesn't want to apparently- you've tried, that's all you can do.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Aug 12, 2011 13:56:40 GMT -5
...."Did they insulate the shed? What about a window?"
This is answered in the very first post:
..."Her dad ran electricity to it, insulated and put up walls, carpet, they are in the process of adding a little kitchenette. It does have doors, windows, will have running water in the next week. it does not have a bathroom, she has to go into her parents' house to use that."
Can you guys not picture this as 1000 times better than a corner in the overcrowded house? It has an a/c window unit already and heating is on the way. It sounds like her parents have gone way above and beyond to make this a comfortable sitution for her. As far as the whole bathroom thing goes, it may not be any farther than a normal hallway to get to the house.
FN, why did you go with her to register if you weren't going to scan the items she needs? This is her first baby and of course she's going to be mesmerized by the cute, expensive stuff. Again, your posts just seem like you really don't think much of her.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 12, 2011 14:13:39 GMT -5
It doesn't matter what you think of someone- unless you run behind someone with a second scanner-ma-gig registering them for the sensible items (which she may find while checking her registry and remove anyway)- you can't force them to register for those items.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 12, 2011 14:16:55 GMT -5
Well if she hasn't spoken to a lawyer or filed any papers, they're really not divorcing... her saying they're getting a divorce doesn't automatically make it so. (Kinda reminds me of that scene from The Office where Oscar tells Michael he should declare bankruptcy... he walks into the office and yells "I declare bankruptcy!")
I suspect several things will happen in fairly quick succession after she has the baby. 1) She will decide that the chamber pot shed life is not for her; and 2) she will reunite with the baby daddy and move back in. Just my prediction.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 12, 2011 14:22:08 GMT -5
gooddecisions- I went with her because she asked me to, because she didn't want to go alone. I tried to advise her on what to scan, but she was hell-bent on the expensive, unnecessary stuff. I can lead my friend to water, but I can't make her drink. I do think a lot of her, I just don't think much of the decisions she has been making recently. It just seems to me like she is totally avoiding reality.
And she has not downgraded her lifestyle based on her circumstances. The only "downgrade" she has made is that she moved into her parents' shed because she had no place else to go, and doesn't want to pay for an apartment. She is still spending money like she has a bunch to burn. She turned down every suggestion I made to her about ways to get money.
Examples:
Get wic or foodstamps- she doesn't think she'll qualify Sell your wedding ring - wants to wait until after the divorce Sell your wedding dress- plans to wear it in a year or so when she gets married again sell your prepregnancy clothes at Plato's Closet- they won't give me much for them Have a yard sale- too much trouble Drive your small car instead of your SUV- doesn't want to pay for an SUV and then not drive it. etc, etc, etc.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 12, 2011 14:25:13 GMT -5
Midwestern- I think that is what will happen too. I think that is why she is being so reluctant to sell her ring, dress, talk to lawyer, etc.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 12, 2011 14:27:14 GMT -5
mizbear- I didn't say I wanted to force her to register for anything, but last night did open my eyes to the fact that she's too far removed from the reality of having a baby for me to help her understand. She will have to crash and burn before she learns. I hate to let someone I care about do that, and I was hoping to help her avoid that, but she just isn't making any sense right now.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Aug 12, 2011 14:52:33 GMT -5
...."And she has not downgraded her lifestyle based on her circumstances. The only "downgrade" she has made is that she moved into her parents' shed because she had no place else to go, and doesn't want to pay for an apartment."
This is the most significant downgrade a person could possibly make- no rent, no utility bills, and likely some free food. I really think she deserves some credit considering 99% of people would sign a lease somewhere thinking they are entitled to live as well as the did when they were married and bringing in a combined salary.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 12, 2011 15:06:00 GMT -5
Good- how does being forced into a situation mean she deserves some credit. And she will likely pay her parents some sort of rent, utilities, and no, they aren't giving her free food (they can barely afford to feed themselves. I had to buy them lunch last weekend.) Her parents are not very well off either, they were struggling before, and now that her dad is out of work because he had to have his leg amputated, they are really suffering financially too. If she had moved in with her parents for the reasons you stated, then yes, she would get a little credit. But she moved in because she couldn't afford an apt, not because she doesn't want one. That's not smart, that is sad and irresponsible.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Aug 12, 2011 17:29:26 GMT -5
..."But she moved in because she couldn't afford an apt, not because she doesn't want one. That's not smart, that is sad and irresponsible." It's sad and irresponsible that she couldn't afford an apartment and worked out a situation she could afford? I find that very responsible considering all the scenarios we see where posters have found a way to live way beyond their means despite not being able to afford it, post here about being under water, refuse to consider reduced life stye options because they deserve a nice place to live, cable, etc and then end up with more debt. You obviously know the situation better than any of us, but just consider cutting her a little slack- the poor girl is 8 months pregnant, has a low wage job and a POS husband.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2011 23:09:52 GMT -5
Just two weeks after baby is born she probably won't be able to stay awake long enough to get dressed in the Hallowe'en costume let alone make it to a party All the rest of it? Sounds like she's in total denial of her circumstances and her DH's philandering. How many of us had the "I wants" when pregnant with the first one and were convinced that we needed the top-of-the-line stroller, changing table, bouncy seat, and all the rest of the stuff that Madison Avenue insisted were absolutely necessary for baby's well being? As for the impending birth, who among us had the remotest idea about parenthood before the first baby arrived? Heck, I was the oldest girl of 14 children and at about age 12, since I had the downstairs bedroom with my own bath, the new babies were installed in my room at night so that my mother could get some badly-needed sleep. I was the one who got up for the 2am feeding/burping/diaper changing and did the same at 6 am before getting myself and the other school-age sibs ready for school and getting breakfast for us all...and still had no real notion of what to expect. She'll learn the same way the rest of us did. Frugalnurse, just be her friend and sounding board. Even if she asks for advice, think long and hard before you give it and measure your words carefully before you do. And whatever you do, don't dis her DH, her living arrangements, her naïveté, because she doesn't want to hear it, won't believe it, and she'll distance herself when she needs your friendship and support.
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Firefly
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Post by Firefly on Aug 13, 2011 4:32:18 GMT -5
This reminds of a friend I had a while back - yes we no longer speak. We have been friends for a long time even roommates for a while and I loved her like a sister. She had a good job was making more than enough money to sustain her lifestyle and no debt to speak of. Then she met this guy and decided to marry him in a month and moved to another state so they can stay with his parents. She quit her job, moved her furniture across the country and started their new life in the basement of his parents house. At first she told us ( me and the other girls) that it was temporary and that once they settle in and find jobs they will be moving out. When she got there come to find out the guy and his whole family are very abusive and she was expected to be the maid of the house and bring in the bread.
Pretty soon she was on the phone every night complaining about the family, his sisters, the mother and him not working and how she is in a living hell. Personally I have little patience for nonstop complaining when you are not doing anything about your situation to change it for the better. So I gave her whatever advice I could offer and told her since she is working now she can get an apartment and if she still wants to be her husband she can support him but at least get out of your in laws, there is no reason you should be living and fighting with them everyday. Her answer was he didn't want to leave his mom's house and they had to stay with her. after a few months of that I realized she wanted to complain everyday and nothing was going to change so i told her straight up I can not listen to her b!tch and moan about this anymore and that she has to stop telling her drama.
She stop calling me about her drama for a while and then all of a sudden she called me and said she was done with him and that she was going to her mom in Sweden and probably live there if all works out. That she has to do what's best for unborn child and couldn't live in this drama anymore. They had a religious ceremony so there was no divorce papers to file with the courts they could get divorced within a matter of minutes if both agreed.
Long story short the guy never called her while she was gone not to even to say how is your pregnancy going and after six or seven months living there she realized she wanted to have her babe stateside. We all helped her get back into the country, find an apartment, apply for wic and medicaid etc. Still no contact with her ex as far as we knew within a month she had a beautiful baby girl and she already found a translating job she can do over the phone things were getting back to normal for her or so we thought. Apparently she called him from the hospital when he had the baby and guess who showed up few days later to take her back to the hell hole she was complaining so much about. She didn't even tell us he came to visit or that she was going back with him. She called me from the other state talking about she already left yesterday and didn't tell me because she was afraid I was going to change her mind. I didn't know what to say and told her I wished her good luck. We haven't spoken since but I hear from our common friends that she is still in the same place with 2 more kids.
Anyway my whole point is that some people have to make the same mistake thousand times before they learn from it. OP's friend will have to wake up on her own terms just don't her use you as an emotional waste bag
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Aug 14, 2011 9:38:22 GMT -5
Just because someone registers for something doesn't mean you have to buy it. If you're worried she won't receive practical gifts, why not hold a shower and ask for contributions for a group gift and you can go out and buy diapers and practical stuff. This shed sounds more like an inlaw apartment, but as long it's clean and it can be kept reasonably climate controlled, if I was in that situation, I'd rather live in my parents yard and have privacy then be in their house with a newborn baby crying and worrying about disturbing everyone else every couple of hours. The toilet thing sounds inconvenient, but I know people who lived for years with one bathroom upstairs and infirm relatives sleeping in the parlor using a portable commode. That was pretty common not too long ago. Probably still is now in many places.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Aug 26, 2011 13:09:06 GMT -5
<< Zib- She's already involved me. Too late to MMOB. But thanks for being the umpteenth person to say that. It was helpful. I will now go back in time and have her un-involve me. >>
So, whether or not you are involved is entirely your friend's decision? Nope, it's a choice YOU are making. You can choose to be sucked into her drama, or you can choose not to be.
And a whole house full of adults expecting you to pick up lunch because they have no food? I wonder where she learned her irresponsible, mooching ways. You aren't going to change anything, you are only going to be used. That is just how these things go.
Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Aug 26, 2011 13:17:25 GMT -5
You might not think babies need a room, but the law here where I live states that babies over a certain age must not room with an adult, and it limits the number of people per bedroom ( I think it is 2/room). I think you are confusing the law with some sort of guideline for public housing.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Aug 26, 2011 13:30:41 GMT -5
It is my concern as to how she pays for food, etc., because she made it my concern, when she called me saying how there was no food in the house and asking me to buy lunch for her entire family. Had she not asked me to do that, I wouldn't feel it was my concern. So you must do anything and everything asked of you? You are powerless to say "no"? I need someone to make all of my mortgage payments for me. It's your concen now. When should I expect the first check?
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Aug 26, 2011 15:31:57 GMT -5
OK. I am just asking. Doesn't it seem strange to anyone else as well? I mean if your pregnant daughter came home (and in her defense, it isn't her fault her husband had an affair) would your first response AS A PARENT be, oh, sorry, the Inn is closed but you can sleep in the garage, in the car or set up a tent in the backyard? Just seems bizarre to me. But, not to anyone else here? I can see saying, we don't have room but you can stay temporarily and sleep on the couch or on the floor with a sleeping bag if need be. But, the shed? I can't even fathom that as being an option, that's all i am saying. I am not criticizing or "dissing" her parents or her, just saying i find that weird. I wouldn't put my daughter in the shed.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 28, 2011 16:46:44 GMT -5
I think the parents are sick of her drama and bs and don't even want her around. Sometimes you have to cut off contact with someone who brings crap into your lives. Something the OP needs to learn.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 28, 2011 18:14:12 GMT -5
Even if I was the cause of my own drama, my family would give me a place to stay- and a set of rules- and a wake up call whether I liked it or not.
Please tell me this girl is not on the East Cast in this shed during the hurricane....in which case I begin questioning many people's sanity.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 28, 2011 19:29:12 GMT -5
Really, did you read the entire beginning of this poor pitiful woman's saga with a man that didn't want to be with her to begin with? Sorry, ZERO sympathy. USING a kid to try to keep a man? Sorry, ZERO sympathy.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 28, 2011 20:00:45 GMT -5
Oh trust me, I would get no sympathy. Just a place to stay and a lot of tough love.
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