Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 15:53:32 GMT -5
I use the word "house" liberally. What she is actually living in is a shed. She is flat broke. She makes $11/hr and doesn't get maternity leave. She has a $400 car payment, iPhone bill, and the regular necessary expenses. She wants to live with her parents (in the shed) for the first year of the baby's life. Any advice I could give her as to how to get back on her feet? Also, I'm really torn about her housing situation. She is not being realistic about the needs of a baby ( she is due mid-Oct, and was showing me the hot little halloween costume she's planning on wearing out clubbing 2 weeks after baby is born !) What would you do in this situation? This "girl" doesn't appear to have much common sense(she sounds like a half wit). I would MYOB. I mean it. It's not your responsibility to save her. She has family that she can turn to. LEAVE IT ALONE. She has already involved me. We are close enough friends that she knows I'm in a good financial position. She knows my income (heck, DH and I both work for a public university, so anyone who wants it knows our income). She knows that I am someone to turn to for advice. She has already started with the mooching (called me while I was on my way to help her move to ask me if I could pick uo some lunch for her. Then mentioned her parents, grandmother, and 2 sibling were there and didn't have any food either.) She also knows that babies are my soft spot and I'm not going to let one suffer. So I can't MMOB.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 15:54:51 GMT -5
lol @ the got milk shirt. That would be hilarious!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 8, 2011 16:01:13 GMT -5
So Frugal, it sounds like it's pretty easy to figure out what SHE gets out of the friendship. But what do YOU get? Is it worth it to you to put yourself out there for this girl and possibly get nothing but heartache (and lost money) in return?
IME once the gravy train starts rolling it is hard to stop. She may know what you and your DH earn, but that certainly doesn't entitle her to any of it. She will likely mooch for as long as you let her... it may be best to put the brakes on BEFORE the baby comes, since as you say, they are your soft spot...
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 8, 2011 16:04:42 GMT -5
Crowded or not - if a kid pulls on furniture, it might come down. I think you are using what seems like a plausible problem and thrusting it on her lifestyle. First off - she has at least 9 months to figure out that living in a "shed" is crappy. She will also figure out what a child needs. Granted, I bet she will go clubbing (maybe not at halloween.) And her Mom will watch the baby that night. So what. I know dozens of people who have done that. Do you want to turn them all in?
What is your definition of shed? Mine is that it is made of metal and isn't attached to the floor. I know plenty of people that have a cabana sort of thing that doesn't have a bathroom, and they don't fall down on top of people - but wait, that isn't what you are really worried about. You are worried that if she doesn't move out this very instance, her not-yet-born baby will pull furntiture on top of his own head.
Motherhood is a shock to even the most prepared. I can't imagine all the stupid things I must have said when I was pregnant. My favorite was my very educated, very prepared friend who thought she was going to go to a bunch of job interviews during the second week of being a Mom. Everyone figures it out. She will too. Or, she won't - and then you can call the state.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 16:06:31 GMT -5
midwestern- So far she's been a good friend in return. With this current train wreck though, things have gotten a ltitle one-sided. I don't want to drop her from my life, but I will likely distance myself a little. It is my nature to want to fix problems (which is why I became a nurse), and I do feel like she is kind of taking advantage of that.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 16:14:06 GMT -5
Thyme- she doesn't have 9 months, she has 2 left. And by "shed", I mean wooden free-standing storage building, with no proper foundation, just cement blocks holding it off the ground. It isn't a nice "cabana type thing". It is a converted storage shed. And my biggest concern was to figure out how to give her a little guidance to keep her situation from getting worse. She is planning on staying at least a year, and doesn't see the issue. There is barely room for her, let alone a baby. I don't think this building would pass code for a suitable dwelling.
And while I might not turn a woman in for leaving a 2 week old baby at home (that's how old he'll be, if she doesn't go past her due date), it wouldn't convince me that they're going to be a good mother.
What I really needed help with is just getting her to understand the reality of her situation. That living in a shed and raising a baby there are not viable options. That she needs to get her financial act together before little one comes, or she'll be in serious crap. She didn't have money for food, but was showing me her "moving out gift" to herself- a new comforter set. Yes, with the way she's avoiding reality, I am very concerned for this baby.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 8, 2011 16:19:08 GMT -5
What you really need to do is MYOB. It isn't your place, your life, your baby, your choice. Unless you wish to just be the one who forks over for everything she wants/needs. Is that all you are worth? Is this your child? The only suitable moochers in life are YOUR children not grown adults, parents, siblings, so-called friends, and whatever else crawls out of the woodwork and latches onto you.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 16:20:18 GMT -5
Zib- She's already involved me. Too late to MMOB. But thanks for being the umpteenth person to say that. It was helpful. I will now go back in time and have her un-involve me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 8, 2011 16:23:22 GMT -5
Easy out. Do not answer phone, do not go over, do not get involved. It is not your job to be in her trainwreck. You are going to register her for what? A baby registry? Please say you are kidding?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 8, 2011 16:26:01 GMT -5
Sorry, I wasn't specific enough. She has 9 months until the child could pull anything onto their own head. In 2 months she will have an newborn. Newborns don't pull furniture down. You said that is what you really think will happen. That is a concern, even in a normal house, with regular stuff.
Things change. Things can change fast. Her husband might not be a dead-beat scum bag, and they might work out custody and child support right away, and she will move into a more suitable place the minute she realizes they won't fit there. Just because she is planning on a year - I suspect that she didn't sign an iron-clad lease and pay for 14 months in advance. I also suspect her parents will let her move out whenever she wants (just from what you have described.)
What do you have to get her to understand? Won't reality itself do a much better job at knocking that door down? In my experience, it usually does.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 8, 2011 16:58:36 GMT -5
Perfectly said. Just perfect!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 8, 2011 19:57:50 GMT -5
But the OP will be expected to fund her friend's choices and won't be able, it seems, to say "no." Yes, I do drop friends who are trainwrecks. They CHOOSE those paths and they are not sucking me into their destructive lives.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 8, 2011 20:05:32 GMT -5
I don't think her friend is asking her to pay rent or anything. The OP is the one that thinks the gal's living arrangements are a problem. The pregnant lady seems fine with it. The OP can listen, without having to raise the baby. The problem is the OP thinks she has the obligation and the authority to make life decisions for her friend. She has neither, and trying to assert her choices on her friend will cost her the friendship. And then, the baby will still live in a shed with a lot of furniture.
I guess it is a wash.
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chicg
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Post by chicg on Aug 8, 2011 20:38:33 GMT -5
Babies don't need a bedroom, I hope you realize many babies in NYC don't have a room. Small spaces are fine but not-to-code sheds? Not sure about that. The fact that this girl thinks she'll be clubbing 2 weeks after giving birth when she can't even afford a studio apartment with a toilet and baby supplies is a bigger problem then vermin and no bedroom. This girl needs to get her stuff together ASAP or someone else needs custody of that child. I don't say that lightly, but maybe dad or dad's parents would be more suitable for custody right now.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 8, 2011 20:43:33 GMT -5
I can tell you this, coming from an area where some houses are little more than sheds (and some places still have outdoor plumbing)- my family would not have allowed me or my DB or any of my cousins to be raised (or any of our expecting mothers to live in a shed). It doesn't matter what was acceptable or what others deal with. There is a reason why people have tried to improve living conditions over the years. And that doesn't mean that everyone needs a McMansion. I can see why you guys are saying MYOB, but in most states a nurse has an additional obligation hanging over her head to report a situation. This becomes a very touchy subject when it's family or friends. Frugal- You have heard me bemoan the probs with my not-so-responsible ex-SIL and DB more than once. If that baby was one of my nieces, I know what I would do. I know if that was me, my best friend would be kicking my butt until I got the point (of course I am about 10 years older than your friend and was married at 24). I would issue my concerns to her, give her some solid advice- even write down some numbers- including the local housing authority who should be able to help her look into income based housing- and just tell her, you love her but you can't stand by and watch this.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 9, 2011 7:36:16 GMT -5
Easy out. Do not answer phone, do not go over, do not get involved. It is not your job to be in her trainwreck. You are going to register her for what? A baby registry? Please say you are kidding? No, I'm not kidding. She asked me to go with her to register for baby items, because she claims she doesn't know how or what to get. Another poster suggested pointing out how expensive everything is. I think I will do that. Not in a direct, "you'll never be able to afford this" kind of way, but more like "wow, I didn't really a box of diapers was X amount! Oh my, car seats cost what?" kind of way.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 9, 2011 7:40:28 GMT -5
Babies don't need a bedroom, I hope you realize many babies in NYC don't have a room. Small spaces are fine but not-to-code sheds? Not sure about that. The fact that this girl thinks she'll be clubbing 2 weeks after giving birth when she can't even afford a studio apartment with a toilet and baby supplies is a bigger problem then vermin and no bedroom. This girl needs to get her stuff together ASAP or someone else needs custody of that child. I don't say that lightly, but maybe dad or dad's parents would be more suitable for custody right now. You might not think babies need a room, but the law here where I live states that babies over a certain age must not room with an adult, and it limits the number of people per bedroom ( I think it is 2/room).
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 9, 2011 7:46:02 GMT -5
Sroo- When she showed me the clubbing outfit, I reminded her that she would not be feeling like going out clubbing 2 weeks after baby is born. I also reminded her that she will likely not have her pre-baby body back by then. She replied that she will get it back by then, and that she will need a break after being with a baby for 2 weeks.
I didn't say anything about the comforter at the time. I think I was too shocked, plus her parents and siblings were there and I wouldn't want to embarrass her in front of them.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 9, 2011 7:52:53 GMT -5
Snerd- She could get rid of her SUV and her iPhone and all her frivolous spending, get her butt in gear and get the divorce so she can get welfare, sell the engagement ring she's kept, sell the wedding dress she bought and then didn't wear, have a yard sale, there are a lot of things she could be doing. Those things would pay for food, an apt., baby stuff.
A friend is someone to help you through good times and bad, even if helping you through the bad times means a little tough love. And the baby doesn't need his mom to have a friend- the baby needs someone to get his mom to grow up a little.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2011 7:53:44 GMT -5
It is good to have a goal to lose the baby weight and maybe the 2 week club date will help motivate her.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 9, 2011 8:01:28 GMT -5
Frugal, I think the time to worry about embarrassing her in front of her family is coming to an end. And I think you should try to use every teaching moment you can find. And if someone else is present, so what? She'll either drop you or maybe the other people will bring up some of this stuff with her too.
And remind her that babies develop at different rates and she could easily have an early crawling/rolling/climbing one, in which case she's not going to have a year in the shed (and I would make sure you always call it a shed, it's not her house, it's a shed.) My DD was pulling up on stuff around 9 months. My DS didn't until damn near 13 months - but he crawled early and DD didn't crawl until well after she was walking. You never know what you'll get with babies.
Has she been doing prenatal visits, vitamins and watching what she eats/drinks? Did her ultrasounds go well?
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 9, 2011 8:10:46 GMT -5
Snerd- She has an older, paid for car that she left at her ex's house, but it is her car. She could drive that. I don't know what kind of contract she has on her iPhone, but I know my phone company will let me switch plans without considering it breaking contract. She could at least switch to a cheap, regular phone without internet. The ring and the dress- I'm not sure how quickly the dress would sell, but the ring could be taken to used jewelry store and they'd buy it.
It is my concern as to how she pays for food, etc., because she made it my concern, when she called me saying how there was no food in the house and asking me to buy lunch for her entire family. Had she not asked me to do that, I wouldn't feel it was my concern.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 9, 2011 8:13:26 GMT -5
Beth- she does have good insurance through her work, and does get her prenatal visits regularly. She said she goes every 2 weeks for visits, and she gets ultrasounds anytime she wants, because she just has the ultrasound tech in the office where she works do them. The pregnancy is progressing fine, and baby is healthy. She doesn't eat very healthy, but she hasn't done anything that would harm the baby (to my knowledge, anyway)
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 9, 2011 8:15:13 GMT -5
Really? I don't feel it is my place to lecture my friends or to "teach" them. I'll let a friend know I am worried, I'll let a friend know I am there, but I have learned the hard way to mind my own damn business when it comes to how others run their lives. Because it never goes well when you try to inform someone what is "best" for them. You are going to find yourself supporting her for the rest of your life (which sounds like it has already started based on the "no food" conversation), she needs to get a lesson from the school of hard knocks. It doesn't sound like the baby is going to starve, it doesn't sound like it is going to be neglected. There is no law that says a woman has to stay home with her infant for the entire first year. Personally I would not have been physically up to clubbing at two weeks, but if someone else is it is none of my business. You have no case for neglect it sounds like from your posters. All you can do is encourage her to talk to her OB about getting assistance if she needs it. People do stupid and keep stupid stuff all the time. A baby usually helps you figure out your priorities real fast. I pay $630 a month for daycare, if you had told me that at the start of my pregnancy I would have said no way I could afford it. It makes me ill sometimes to think about where it was going before, but that is done and overwith. Now it goes towards baby expenses. It is not your business if she has an i-phone or an SUV and you don't think those are expenses she should have. IF she asks you for finanical advice you can suggest she give up these things, but only then. She'll figure it out and if she doesn't, the state will be there to help her finanically with food stamps, WIC etc. It isn't your job or your place to "educate" her. I understand how you feel about babies Frugal, but you are setting yourself up to be her lifelong nursemaid if you continue. Who cares if she "already involved" you, disinvolve (is that a word?) yourself! Don't take on the burden of shopping for formula, diapers etc for this woman, it isn't your place and just because you can afford it does not mean you should. The state is there to take care of women in her position. There are churches and charities like Catholic Families to help her. Just because drama comes knocking on your door doesn't mean you need to invite it in. And if you do, get it out before it sets up in the middle of your living room. You can care WITHOUT having to run her life for her.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 9, 2011 8:17:28 GMT -5
It is my concern as to how she pays for food, etc., because she made it my concern, when she called me saying how there was no food in the house and asking me to buy lunch for her entire family
Translation: I want to spend my money on fun stuff and now I don't have money for food, can you get it for me so I don't have to budget.
My brother pulls this stunt all the time with gas. My DH used to get suckered into it until I pointed out my brother is somehow able to afford pot. If he can afford pot, he can afford gas.
If she can afford an i-phone, she can afford food, she just chooses not to.
You prevent her from having to make a decision by handing over food/cash because she knows she can run to the bank of Frugalnurse for the nessceties while she spends her money on fun stuff.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 9, 2011 10:03:01 GMT -5
Who the hell is going to buy her all this baby stuff she is registering for? Where is she going to put it if anyone is DUMB enough to subsidize her choice? She is suckering you right now with the "go with me because I'm so dumb I don't know what to do?" routine. Get the hell away from her and her drama. She knows what she is doing is wrong but just like typical loser mooches, she figured out "who" will help her out. Get away from this and fast. Don't you have a husband who can help you get a spine?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 9, 2011 10:18:54 GMT -5
It's not that hard to register, Baby's R Us provides you with a cheat sheet, so does Target. Doesn't mean you need it all or that half of it is even practical, but you really don't need someone holding your hand to register for baby stuff.
Even with "hand holding" I still ended up with some stuff that seemed like a great idea on paper or a few people thought was a good idea (like a bottle warmer) that hasn't seen the light of day since it was opened.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 9, 2011 10:20:35 GMT -5
Every friend I have ever lectured is no longer a friend.
Do you want to be like me?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 9, 2011 10:22:38 GMT -5
I was surprised at what I used on my second baby that I did not with the first baby. I was surprised at what was so very, very important with the first baby that the second baby couldn't care less about. Babies are just different. Sure, they all need food, a place to sleep, diapers and some clothes. Everything else seems like a crapshoot.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 9, 2011 10:37:13 GMT -5
Both my babies hated the rocker which my grandma was sure I would need for them. The rocker got donated to the school library finally.
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