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Post by pig on Aug 8, 2011 9:13:35 GMT -5
What pray tell is so unsafe?
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 9:19:20 GMT -5
sroo- I like the idea of taking her shopping. I have to take her to register anyway, so it might be a good time to make a big deal about how expensive everything is.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 9:27:04 GMT -5
I would also scare her a bit. Tell her how easy it would be for STBX to gain full custody of said child, based on her living conditions alone. Counter the "But he won't want custody" with the fact that he'd get out child support by having full custody and a lot of X's do this just to spite. Honestly, I wouldn't help her at all. She needs to get in touch with reality and grow up. I don't think the custody thing will work. Her lawyer told her that she will automatically get custody for the first year, because men just don't have the biological equipment to care for a baby.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 8, 2011 9:28:18 GMT -5
Her lawyer told her that she will automatically get custody for the first year, because men just don't have the biological equipment to care for a baby It's called formula and it comes in a bottle. If things were unsafe enough I really doubt a judge would grant custody just because she has working breasts and he doesn't.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 8, 2011 9:37:46 GMT -5
Yes, if her lawyer is telling her that ANYTHING will "automatically" happen, s/he is full of crap. You can never guarantee results, nor should you try.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 9:38:34 GMT -5
I thought it sounded weird too. I kind of worry about my friend's mental state overall, and if the things she tells me really are true. When her DH first cheated on her (before they got married), they split up and she moved into the shed then too. And when they started dating again, she would move her stuff into his house little by little while he was at work. Then one day she was just like "i moved in!" and he was kind of stunned. I just wonder what other deceit she has been pulling. It sucks to realize people aren't who you thought they were.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2011 9:43:11 GMT -5
sounds like a healthy marriage from the start.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 8, 2011 9:45:17 GMT -5
And when they started dating again, she would move her stuff into his house little by little while he was at work. Then one day she was just like "i moved in!" and he was kind of stunned. I just wonder what other deceit she has been pulling
She sounds like she isn't all there. Not in a bad dangerous way, but still a few bananas short of a bunch.
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Aug 8, 2011 9:49:43 GMT -5
I agree with Cael. This is something I had to learn the hard way with a close friend - no matter what I did or didn't do to help, SHE was the one in the driver's seat, SHE was the one making foolish decisions, and nothing I did or said was going to change that. I'm one of those people who doesn't have a ton of patience for venting - if someone is bitching about something, I want to give advice - and it took me a while to figure out that 1) a lot of people don't want advice, they just want a sympathetic "mmhmm" and 2) if you keep giving advice that is ignored (to the advisee's peril) it will make you resentful, especially when they come running to you to help pick up the pieces. I've ended up distancing myself from my friend. I do feel guilty at times, but her drama was starting to affect MY mental health and my advice sure wasn't helping her, so I figured we'd both be better off with a little distance. It sounds like you're doing everything you can. She has been an adult for more than half a decade and has chosen to procreate with someone who cheats on her... not much you can do about that. Reality will set in once the baby arrives. All you can do is decide how much you're willing to help, and stick to it.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 8, 2011 11:03:12 GMT -5
Unfortunately, the answer to this question is 2 huge double edged swords. One of action and one of inaction. If you take action, are you going to second guess yourself, will be kept confidential at work, will she lose her job? Will she listen, etc. If you don't take action, are you putting that baby in danger? Does that make you responsible if anything happens to that child? My fear when I here shed is that the electric s done with extension cords and they will end up heating it with a kerosene heater. If it doesn't burn down they'll die of CO poisoning. If they had wanted to turn my grandfather's garage into a "house" for my DM, DB and I when we came home, we had certified master plumbers, electricians, HVAC mechanics, you name it we had it in the family or extended family to do the work. I'm just concerned about both the safety and the mother's mindset.
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mommax4
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Post by mommax4 on Aug 8, 2011 11:04:50 GMT -5
frugalnurse-you may advise your friend to look into programs like WIC now, even though she is still married. Some places will let you apply based on your own income if you can show you are separated/in the process of getting divorced and not receiving help from the soon-to-be ex.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 8, 2011 11:12:02 GMT -5
Reality check- Custody battles get nasty. My ex-SIL got so nasty when my 2nd niece was born that she wouldn't let my brother see her and had the child calling some other man "daddy" even though she wanted DB to pay CS. SHe was 18 months old when DB finally got her for the first time- why? Because ex-SIL got thrown out of her house and ended up homeless. And there will be the- I sent the CS- no you haven't arguments- unless you have it auto-deducted..., which is no guarantee the money will be there...
Has she seen a counselor?
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Aug 8, 2011 11:19:39 GMT -5
Ok, first off, coming from a social worker, CPS can not and will not do anything until the baby is born. You can't make a CPS report on an unborn child, not even if the mother is using drugs while pregnant. CPS may be waiting at the hospital when she delivers to take the baby, but prior to birth, there is no "abuse" or "neglect". She is currently in "temporary" housing. There are very few standards for such. Also, she can and should go apply for public assistance immediately. If she has moved out and separation/divorce papers have been filed, only HER income is taken into consideration. She may or may not qualify for housing assistance on her income. Again, she may have to wait until the baby is born to qualify. The public assistance office should be able to help her find low income housing and she will qualify for WIC and Food Stamps since she's pregnant.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2011 11:24:15 GMT -5
Her lawyer told her that she will automatically get custody for the first year, because men just don't have the biological equipment to care for a baby It's called formula and it comes in a bottle. If things were unsafe enough I really doubt a judge would grant custody just because she has working breasts and he doesn't. And if she's planning on clubbing, it doesn't sound like she's going to be bfing. In which case, working boobs won't matter...
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Aug 8, 2011 11:25:51 GMT -5
Her lawyer told her that she will automatically get custody for the first year, because men just don't have the biological equipment to care for a baby It's called formula and it comes in a bottle. If things were unsafe enough I really doubt a judge would grant custody just because she has working breasts and he doesn't. And if she's planning on clubbing, it doesn't sound like she's going to be bfing. In which case, working boobs won't matter... with everything else she's planning to do, it wouldn't surprise me if she was actually planning to bf whether she hits the clubs or not.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2011 11:28:25 GMT -5
chiver that brings up a point. Frugalnurse, remind her that whether or not she breastfeeds, her milk's going to be coming around 5-7 days post postpartum and her boobs are going to be huge and sore/leaking, so her clubbing outfit ain't gonna be so hot...
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 11:43:03 GMT -5
If you take action, are you going to second guess yourself, will be kept confidential at work, will she lose her job? Will she listen, etc. If you don't take action, are you putting that baby in danger? Does that make you responsible if anything happens to that child? My fear when I here shed is that the electric s done with extension cords and they will end up heating it with a kerosene heater. If it doesn't burn down they'll die of CO poisoning. If they had wanted to turn my grandfather's garage into a "house" for my DM, DB and I when we came home, we had certified master plumbers, electricians, HVAC mechanics, you name it we had it in the family or extended family to do the work. I'm just concerned about both the safety and the mother's mindset. If I take action, I doubt she would lose her job or her child. I just think it would be the scare she needs to get her act together. But yes, I would second-guess myself. If I don't take action, and something happened to the baby (My biggest fear is that he will pull some piece of furniture down onto himself. It is very cramped in that little shed), I would never forgive myself. Also, if she doesn't act like a mother, and I didn't say anything to her, I would feel horrible. As for electricity, I'm not sure how it is wired. I know her dad is a contractor (currently on disability because he had to have a leg amputated a couple months ago due to cancer). There is a window unit for a/c, and she said they are going to put in a baseboard heater for the winter (which also scares me- crawling baby plus hot baseboards = burned baby).
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 11:43:40 GMT -5
Constanz- thank you for letting me know a social worker's perspective.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2011 11:44:19 GMT -5
With ginormous BFing boobs, that outfit is going to look extra hot.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 11:44:43 GMT -5
chiver that brings up a point. Frugalnurse, remind her that whether or not she breastfeeds, her milk's going to be coming around 5-7 days post postpartum and her boobs are going to be huge and sore/leaking, so her clubbing outfit ain't gonna be so hot... I'm sure she knows this. She works in the local medicaid OB clinic
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2011 11:44:48 GMT -5
With ginormous BFing boobs, that outfit is going to look extra hot. Not when there's milk leaking down it.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2011 11:45:37 GMT -5
With ginormous BFing boobs, that outfit is going to look extra hot. Not when there's milk leaking down it. That's why clubs are dark.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 11:46:58 GMT -5
Archie- eeew.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2011 11:48:07 GMT -5
Not when there's milk leaking down it. That's why clubs are dark. ewwwwww
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 8, 2011 11:51:03 GMT -5
Just because we know, doesn't mean we listen to our own knowledge. How many people with diabetes KNOW they are supposed to do A, B, C, D- and don't? How many people with mental illnesses go off their medications? (And before anyone flames me for that I have bipolar disorder as well as some other MH problems, I'm not just throwing it out to t*** someone off) How many addicts know they can't drink or use- but do it anyway? Sometimes we need someone else to talk sense to us. Sometimes it works....sometimes we have to say we tried our best and remember that their is only so much we can do...
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 8, 2011 11:52:58 GMT -5
If it weren't totally inappropriate, Archie keeps making me want to insert this really stupid, sophmoric joke about a Halloween costume with "Got Milk?" t-shirt..... You know maybe- a humorous approach would work-
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 8, 2011 11:54:32 GMT -5
Mizbear Everyone likes to think we are different and special and things will be different for us... you can stare cold hard reality right in the face and still believe things will be different for you - until they're not.
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reeneejune
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Post by reeneejune on Aug 8, 2011 13:02:28 GMT -5
frugalnurse - Some things you CAN do... - When your friend starts talking about all the poor decisions she's going to make or has made, stop her and say "I'm sorry, but I really don't agree with that choice, and it upsets me to talk about it with you." Send the signals that while you're still her friend, you won't be a party to her bad decisions. - If you can stock up on CHEAP formula, diapers, etc. do so. DON'T just hand them over to your friend. If she gets into a DIRE situation, dole out just enough to get her by until her next paycheck and remind her that she needs to buy more next time. DON'T let her know you have a stock. Just show up with a little bit to help her get by. It satisfies your desire to ensure that the baby has it's needs met without becoming the sole supporter of the baby. - Remind her that regardless of what her lawyer has told her, divorces can take a LONG time. A friend of mine separated from her abusive husband and it took 2 YEARS to get a final divorce settlement. - Also let her know that waiting until the baby is born to divorce could actually complicate the custody issue. Her STBEx could easily stand up in court and shed a tear or two for appearances sake while he describes the shed his baby is living in because mentally-unstable mommy ran away from a perfectly good house two months before her due date while he's got a house OR an apartment that would be a perfectly suitable place to raise a child.
And my final bit of advice is that when giving advice to an airhead, don't be surprised when it goes in one ear and right out the other.
BTW - as a 20-something myself, I'd just like to say that being clueless is not tied to age. heck, I've made it to the ripe old age of 27 without getting knocked up, married, or kicked around by a BF.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2011 13:56:29 GMT -5
The only problem with the cheap formula part is that not all babies can tolerate it. Some need the expensive stuff, some can switch without noticing a difference and you don't find out until you try it... But I agree with the reset reeneejune.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Aug 8, 2011 14:45:43 GMT -5
I use the word "house" liberally. What she is actually living in is a shed. She is flat broke. She makes $11/hr and doesn't get maternity leave. She has a $400 car payment, iPhone bill, and the regular necessary expenses. She wants to live with her parents (in the shed) for the first year of the baby's life. Any advice I could give her as to how to get back on her feet? Also, I'm really torn about her housing situation. She is not being realistic about the needs of a baby ( she is due mid-Oct, and was showing me the hot little halloween costume she's planning on wearing out clubbing 2 weeks after baby is born !) What would you do in this situation? This "girl" doesn't appear to have much common sense(she sounds like a half wit). I would MYOB. I mean it. It's not your responsibility to save her. She has family that she can turn to. LEAVE IT ALONE.
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