Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 7:47:08 GMT -5
Hi everyone! I have a friend who is in a bad situation right now. She is 7 months pregnant, recently separated from her husband (they haven't even been married a year :/ ). Husband has been cheating on her this whole time, has had an apartment where he lives with another woman on a part time basis for 4 months, has had multiple other affairs. She found out all of this on Thursday and moved into her parents' house.
I use the word "house" liberally. What she is actually living in is a shed. Her dad ran electricity to it, insulated and put up walls, carpet, they are in the process of adding a little kitchenette. It does have doors, windows, will have running water in the next week. it does not have a bathroom, she has to go into her parents' house to use that.
She is flat broke. She makes $11/hr and doesn't get maternity leave. She has a $400 car payment, iPhone bill, and the regular necessary expenses.
She wants to live with her parents (in the shed) for the first year of the baby's life. My concern is that this setup is unsafe for baby, and that it would not meet gov. mandated housing standards.
Any advice I could give her as to how to get back on her feet? I suggested food stamps, WIC, section 8, but her lawyer told her not to divorce her husband until after the baby is born, so her income combined with his is too high to qualify for that sort of stuff.
Also, I'm really torn about her housing situation. She is not being realistic about the needs of a baby ( she is due mid-Oct, and was showing me the hot little halloween costume she's planning on wearing out clubbing 2 weeks after baby is born !) I feel like if she doesn't make an effort to get into a decent place to live, I have a responsibility to report her.
What would you do in this situation? How would you approach it without making her feel attacked? I know she's going through a lot right now, but I'm so worried for her soon to be born son.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2011 7:51:23 GMT -5
Do you have room for her?
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WholeLottaNothin
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Post by WholeLottaNothin on Aug 8, 2011 7:54:56 GMT -5
I just had my first baby in June and you are correct, she is not being realistic at all. Do you know why she isn't living in her parent's house instead of the shed? Or why her lawyer advised her not to divorce until after the baby? She won't be clubbing two weeks after having a baby! She won't have any energy and most likely will still be in some pain. She will go stir crazy in such a small space with a newborn. I am interested to see what other people advise. Will she get money from her stb ex once they are divorced? That may help some, at least child support.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 7:55:50 GMT -5
Yes, but I'm not sure DH would go for that. Emotional house guest + screaming baby + potential for drama with the ex = not an ideal living situation. And I really don't want to end up supporting her and her baby (which is what would happen). I would really like to figure out how to help her realize that she needs to wake up and face reality, and to be more responsible.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2011 7:57:19 GMT -5
I would really like to figure out how to help her realize that she needs to wake up and face reality, and to be more responsible. Oh... I see. That is not possible. She will either come that realization on her own or she won't.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 7:59:56 GMT -5
I just had my first baby in June and you are correct, she is not being realistic at all. Do you know why she isn't living in her parent's house instead of the shed? Or why her lawyer advised her not to divorce until after the baby? She won't be clubbing two weeks after having a baby! She won't have any energy and most likely will still be in some pain. She will go stir crazy in such a small space with a newborn. I am interested to see what other people advise. Will she get money from her stb ex once they are divorced? That may help some, at least child support. Her parents don't have room for her in the house, they have 2 kids at home and her mom also runs a daycare from the home (without a license- don't get me started on that one). The lawyer told her not to divorce until after baby is born so they could work out child support and custody at the same time. I suspect it is because he thinks they will reconcile once the little one comes along (and I think they might too- Her husband cheated on her a couple months before they got married, and she forgave him and married him. So they've been down this road before). She might get child support from the ex, but I don't know. He's being investigated by the military for lying about his disabilities to get disability pay (he's an Iraq war vet in the National Guard- claimed a lot of PTSD and hearing loss that he doesn't actually have). So if he gets locked up by the military, I doubt there will be any child support.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2011 8:01:35 GMT -5
You can't make her face reality. You CAN try to be there to help pick up the pieces when it hits though, sometime after the baby's been born. And you try to figure out a way to determine if she's still going to keep the baby or do adoption because it doesn't sound like either of them are ready to be parents.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Aug 8, 2011 8:04:22 GMT -5
wow. that all made my head hurt. how good a friend is she? I don't see how you can really help her improve her own situation without her either totally taking advantage of you or hating you in the process. whatever you do, good luck, and keep your own well-being in mind too.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 8:07:44 GMT -5
Beth- she will be keeping the baby, I don't think she'd ever consider adoption. This was supposedly a planned pregnancy ( I think the wedding and the baby were an attempt to get the ex to commit and be faithful). It just kills me to watch this play out. She is a nurse too (LPN, not RN, which is why her pay is so low), she should be more responsible than this! And she's 24, so it isn't like she's a kid in trouble or anything.
I will help her the best I can when she needs it I went this weekend to help her move. (Neither she not her parents had any money or food in the house, so I ended up buying everyone lunch.) I'm throwing her a nice baby shower. I'll help her get cheap food an diapers. But part of me feels so angry with her for not being more responsible. I don't want to completely support her kid, but I don't want it to suffer either. I hate to see kids suffer due to bad parents.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2011 8:08:44 GMT -5
Kids are super resilient. Much more so than adults. The kid will be fine.
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Post by jarhead1976 on Aug 8, 2011 8:10:17 GMT -5
As soon as I read she has a hot new outfit ready to go out clubbing on Halloween, I knew she was a 20 something with no clue to what she about to face. She better be stocking up on formula and diapers. Admirable as your intentions are, its not your problem.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 8:11:06 GMT -5
wow. that all made my head hurt. how good a friend is she? I don't see how you can really help her improve her own situation without her either totally taking advantage of you or hating you in the process. whatever you do, good luck, and keep your own well-being in mind too. I consider her a close friend, but this situation has kind of made me want to distance myself a little. Yeah, it makes my head hurt too. It is like a daytime talk show! I worry that it will end with her taking advantage of me or hating me too. I was hoping maybe someone out there would have a little experience with such a situation.
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cael
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Post by cael on Aug 8, 2011 8:17:30 GMT -5
I know how hard it is to have a close friend who is a trainwreck, and feel like you want to help, but at the same time don't want to get pulled into the trainwreck and the drama and the headache of it all. It's tough you feel like a bad friend for wanting to distance yourself, then alternately feel like you need to help somehow. In the end they really can only help themselves - you can be there to listen to her when she needs it and do little things to help her out, but be very careful of doing anything further than that, because it could snowball quickly & you'd be stuck. As chiver said you need to look out for your own well-being - it isn't your life, no matter how much you want to help
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2011 8:20:12 GMT -5
wow. that all made my head hurt. how good a friend is she? I don't see how you can really help her improve her own situation without her either totally taking advantage of you or hating you in the process. whatever you do, good luck, and keep your own well-being in mind too. I consider her a close friend, but this situation has kind of made me want to distance myself a little. Yeah, it makes my head hurt too. It is like a daytime talk show! I worry that it will end with her taking advantage of me or hating me too. I was hoping maybe someone out there would have a little experience with such a situation. It makes my heart hurt, not my head.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 8, 2011 8:26:50 GMT -5
I agree with Cael. This is something I had to learn the hard way with a close friend - no matter what I did or didn't do to help, SHE was the one in the driver's seat, SHE was the one making foolish decisions, and nothing I did or said was going to change that.
I'm one of those people who doesn't have a ton of patience for venting - if someone is bitching about something, I want to give advice - and it took me a while to figure out that 1) a lot of people don't want advice, they just want a sympathetic "mmhmm" and 2) if you keep giving advice that is ignored (to the advisee's peril) it will make you resentful, especially when they come running to you to help pick up the pieces.
I've ended up distancing myself from my friend. I do feel guilty at times, but her drama was starting to affect MY mental health and my advice sure wasn't helping her, so I figured we'd both be better off with a little distance.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can. She has been an adult for more than half a decade and has chosen to procreate with someone who cheats on her... not much you can do about that. Reality will set in once the baby arrives. All you can do is decide how much you're willing to help, and stick to it.
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Post by pig on Aug 8, 2011 8:27:17 GMT -5
People have been living outdoors for centuries and they got along just fine. MYOB if she wants to live there it's her decision.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 8:31:33 GMT -5
People have been living outdoors for centuries and they got along just fine. MYOB if she wants to live there it's her decision. I'm fairly certain CPS would feel differently than you. I think the rules here state that a baby over a certain age has to have its own bedroom. And I would think a proper dwelling would have to have a toilet, at the very least.
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cael
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Post by cael on Aug 8, 2011 8:40:55 GMT -5
Bathroom, kitchen, smoke detectors, yeah. Does it even have heating facilities? Dwellings have to meet some pretty basic standards. And yeah, CPS may not be cool with a newborn living in an unsafe or not-to-code dwelling.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2011 8:44:12 GMT -5
I know that CPS is there to help, but sometimes they cause more trouble than they prevent. I would be very hesitant to call them if it is just the living situation that you are worried about.
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Post by pig on Aug 8, 2011 8:45:57 GMT -5
Only a cretin would turn in their friend to CPS unless there was physical or sexual abuse occurring. Living in a shed behind your parents house is not abuse.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2011 8:46:57 GMT -5
I guess, I'm curious why she left her house. That just seems silly to me. Back to your original question. I'm a tough love sort of gal. I think the time for her feelings has passed and she needs a wake up call about baby. What is best for her doesn't matter anymore, it's what is best for baby. She needs to quit acting like a twit and take responsibility for her situation. Of course, if you don't want to have this conversation with her then I would just distance myself and keep my mouth shut.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 8:50:45 GMT -5
I guess, I'm curious why she left her house. That just seems silly to me. Back to your original question. I'm a tough love sort of gal. I think the time for her feelings has passed and she needs a wake up call about baby. What is best for her doesn't matter anymore, it's what is best for baby. She needs to quit acting like a twit and take responsibility for her situation. Of course, if you don't want to have this conversation with her then I would just distance myself and keep my mouth shut. She moved out of her house because her husband bought it before they married, so it is in his name. Plus, she could never afford the payments on her income.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2011 8:50:53 GMT -5
Only a cretin would turn in their friend to CPS unless there was physical or sexual abuse occurring. Living in a shed behind your parents house is not abuse. I guess what I would do depends on how bad the conditions are. Is the baby likely to become a death statistic and/or the rallying cry for a law? Is the Mom thinking she'll live like this for 5+ years? Because the first 3-4 months, the baby is likely to spend a lot of time in a crib/pack n play/swing or lying on the floor and not crawling. It's crawling that would give me issues, I think. I guess I'm assuming there's not going to be bugs/vermin roaming the shed.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 8:53:06 GMT -5
Only a cretin would turn in their friend to CPS unless there was physical or sexual abuse occurring. Living in a shed behind your parents house is not abuse. I guess my hope is that the CPS would help her get into a better living situation. When I was a kid, and my family was living in a tent, someone called CPS. They came, investigated the situation, and gave my parents X number of days to get into better housing. They also helped them find affordable housing. I doubt they would just pull the baby out of her custody for this, but maybe they would force her to get her act together. IMHO, only a cretin would knowingly let a young child live in an unsafe situation.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Aug 8, 2011 8:55:51 GMT -5
Only a cretin would turn in their friend to CPS unless there was physical or sexual abuse occurring. Living in a shed behind your parents house is not abuse. I guess what I would do depends on how bad the conditions are. Is the baby likely to become a death statistic and/or the rallying cry for a law? Is the Mom thinking she'll live like this for 5+ years? Because the first 3-4 months, the baby is likely to spend a lot of time in a crib/pack n play/swing or lying on the floor and not crawling. It's crawling that would give me issues, I think. I guess I'm assuming there's not going to be bugs/vermin roaming the shed. She's planning on staying there the first year at the least. She thinks she will have found a suitable husband by then (like I said, not living in reality). The shed is ok for now, but the crawling is what worries me. There is so much stuff crammed in there as it is, and there is no room for a crib, so she's going to use a small bassinet. Which will be fine until he is ready to roam. No, there are no bugs/vermin. But I wouldn't feel comfortable bringing a baby there.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 8, 2011 8:57:26 GMT -5
A lot of hospitals have a social worker on site to help pregnant women. Encourage her to ask her care provider about getting help.
I had one show up in my room after birth and ask me a million questions about whether or not I was with the father, was he involved, did I have a stove/fridge, did I have a job, did he have a job etc. They would have helped me thru the process of getting aid if I had needed it.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2011 8:59:03 GMT -5
How is her relationship with her parents?
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2011 9:01:50 GMT -5
He'll outgrow a small bassinet fairly quickly most likely. I wouldn't be comfortable with the situation either. Has she started looking at dcp or is she assuming her mom will do it for free?
What about the other grandparents? Are they in the picture at all? I'm almost wondering if it would be better for them to push the H for custody and they take care of the baby...
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2011 9:03:26 GMT -5
A lot of hospitals have a social worker on site to help pregnant women. Encourage her to ask her care provider about getting help. I had one show up in my room after birth and ask me a million questions about whether or not I was with the father, was he involved, did I have a stove/fridge, did I have a job, did he have a job etc. They would have helped me thru the process of getting aid if I had needed it. I don't remember anyone running though that type of question with either kid. I wonder if that's a state/regional thing? Or if they made assumptions for me and DH based on age/etc?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 8, 2011 9:04:41 GMT -5
Maybe, it might have been too that the hospital I gave birth at is a Catholic Jesuit hospital and required to do so much 'charity" work in a year so a lot of their patients are low income/medcaid patients.
Still doesn't hurt to ask the doctor about if there is anything available or she can put her in contact with someone to get aid if she needs it.
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