Work and raising a family...

[midjd]

We had a Jeremy in elementary school and called him Germy because his nose was always running. So maybe DH's cousin's kid really will be a demon.

No actually we wanted to name ours Damian after the DMX songs (Damian, Damian II, and Damian III). Don't laugh, we like DMX.

Okay, sorry Carl for hijacking your thread. But to get back on topic, does your wife have baby names picked out? I'll bet she does

[Deleted]

Jul 12, 2011 19:06:04 GMT -5 midjd said:

Okay, sorry Carl for hijacking your thread. But to get back on topic, does your wife have baby names picked out? I'll bet she does

Duh, is that even a question. So far none that I like though

[tcu2003]

Jul 12, 2011 8:49:59 GMT -5 cael said:

We're both 28 too, I always had this fantasy of having my kids young - not happening obviously, lol, which is fine, but we'd like to have 2 kids, relatively close together, and do it soon-ish. I am kind of questioning whether I want to be in school and pregnant... I will likely be part-time at school anyway so I can work, so if I need to take a semester off for example, I wouldn't be too upset as long as it wouldn't mess around with my completion of the program. If our plan works out I'll have our first when we're 30, then hopefully the second when we're 32 or 33. It'll be tough for a few years but I feel in the end it'll be worth it

This sounds like DH and me. I turn 30 on Friday, and we just started TTC. If it all works out, we'll be trying for the second when I'm 33-ish (DH is 35, so he'll be 38 then, and he's already complaining about how old he is - I just smile and remind him that he shouldn't have waited so long to meet me - we're just about to celebrate our 1 year anniversary on Sunday, so we haven't been married that long).

Before we moved to TX, my FIL was commenting every time he saw us about was I pregnant yet (he started this right after the wedding - sigh), he was ready for another grandchild (already has 6, so I'm not sure what his hurry is), etc. He's watched BIL and SIL's twins since they were born (they'll be 6 in September and are starting Kindergarten this fall), so he hinted last fall that he'd have an opening to watch a child - so not happening, but thankfully we moved, so that won't be an issue when the time comes. That said, I'm sure I'll miss being that close to family (FIL/MIL and both BILs/SILs, plus my sis/BIL all live back in the KC area) when we have kids. I'll just keep hoping that it all works out for us to move back in a few years.

[tcu2003]

Jul 12, 2011 18:36:07 GMT -5 midjd said:

Maybe it's weird to have baby names picked out before you even start TTC, but I like to be prepared.

Ha ha, this was totally my sister. We were headed to a baby shower for a friend, and on the 2-hour drive, she was telling me that she and BIL had a baby boy's name picked out, but couldn't agree on a girl's name (this was probably a couple of months before they were TTC). Randomly enough, one of my suggestions ended up being my niece's name the next year. Guess that should always make me the favorite aunt.

[Deleted]

I guess my family is similar to cawiau's. In my mind, my immediate family is my Mom, my Grandma, my Aunt, her 2 daughters and her grandson. All of them (except the grandson of course), plus my ex's parents and sister were my village that helped me raise my children. I don't know what I would've done without the support system I had.

They all chauffered and babysat my kids when I needed it. I (and the rest of my family) chauffered and babysat my little cousin when his Mom needed it. We all worked together to take care of the kids in the family. My cousin and I didn't abuse our families' kindness; the bonus was that they (and we) often spent time with the children just because they (we) wanted to. So we both had a fair amount of *me time*.

It still wasn't easy working full time and being a single parent. I've never worked banker's hours and that made it even more challenging. I know I would've made it work however I had to, but having 2 families that could and wanted to be there for us was a huge blessing.

Notice I didn't mention anything about their Dad. If I'd had to depend on him to make it work, the kids and I would've been up the creek without a paddle.

[Elizabeth]

Jul 12, 2011 13:32:46 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

You guys are not making it sound too enticing. Maybe enough of the horror stories.

Zib- I hear ya! It reminds me of women with kids telling their horrible labor stories to first time pregnant women. I caught myself doing it once and decided to STFU about it from now on. I don't share my labor horror stories with pregnant women anymore.

I have my share of horror stories with my girls who are 21 months apart and total divas with attitude, but sometimes they make me so damn proud. I sometimes think about how easy life would be if I didn't have them, but like GG said, I would have missed out on soooo much joy.

[michelyn8]

Maybe it's weird to have baby names picked out before you even start TTC, but I like to be prepared.

Not weird to me. I had DS's middle name picked out but with a different first name when I was about 14 or so. Originally I wanted the first name of Brian but his birth father is named that so when he was born it was a no go and I went with Andrew which was the name of my favorite male character in a book series I read in HS.

DD1 has been selecting baby names since she was a teenager and is no where near children yet. She just has names from different books and TV shows she likes and wants to use "one-day". They change at times but I do know that one of her children will have a name that is a variant of Alexander - she loves the character Lex Luthor in Smallville. She also likes William so I've teased her that if she names one that, I will be calling him Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel).

[Jake 48]

When the boys were little, ex was a SAHM, We survived on one income, broke all the time, but mom being home with the boys was more important. I guess you decide what the priorities are. My only gripe with it was I would leave for work at 430am and not get home till after 8pm if I worked OT. the boys were asleep when I left and asleep when I got home, I can never get that time back with them.

[Deleted]

Jul 12, 2011 18:52:31 GMT -5 @lulubean said:

And it doesn't matter if you slightly change the name Damien, the name will still get misprounounced as Damien.

You are so right! My GF named her son "Damon" and everyone still calls him Damien!

[Epiphany]

My two cents - at least one of you will HAVE to have a flexible work schedule of some kind to accommodate sickness, school schedule, etc. If you look at all these stories the consistant thread is
1 - your life changes to be focused around this other person and not your wants
2 - you have to be flexible on giving up the crazy work schedules
3 - having both parents pitch in and a large family support system is best

so in your situation - will you resent your wife if she gives up being super career focused to become the primary care giver or the one who is most flexible because of her SL debt load?

Are you both will to change your current lifestyle?

Because honestly, and flame away, what is the point of having a kid if you see him/her for two hours a night and weekends?

[Deleted]

Rljrdn, that last sentence is what we're struggling with. DH's hours are somewhat flexible (as long as he has the comp time) but mine really isn't. I'm going to see what I can work out with my boss. When my grad school leave is over, I will be unavailable 2 nights a week until 9:30-10pm basically until I graduate. Once that is over (in about 2.5 years) I'm going to start looking for a job with better or more flexible hours. I wouldn't mind a 10 x 4 schedule or working a weekend day and getting a weekday off.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH and I both work full time but neither one of us travel, we work 40 hour weeks. My job is much more flexible than his in terms of taking time off/being late so I am the one that does WBV visits and stays home when DD is sick. I've pretty much tabled certain career ambitions of my own right now because what I have currently suits us very well as a family.

DH HATES his job but it is stable and often has lots of overtime. He stays in that job because he "has to" as he puts it to support us. He can't just up and quit and take his time looking for a job like he has in the past because now he has a family. If he wants to leave, he has to really plan and right now hte plans aren't working out.

You've posted a thread about your boss suggesting not getting tied down to the area because you'd be moving a lot for promotions. You have to decide if a kid is going to fit with hopping around all over the place for promotion after promotion. Do you want to be "daddy tracked"?

You've also mentioned how pissed off you'd be if your wife didn't work and that she has $1000 in student loan payments. Are you ready for her to be "mommy tracked" if she has to be the one to take time off work for sickness, WBVs etc? Are you going to resent her for going into all this debt for a master's that may end up not being used?

Many of the people I know who are as career driven as you seem to be do not have children, they don't fit into the type of schedule you need to take on in order to make it that far. OR one becomes a SAHP so the more career ambitious one can focus on their career advancement while still having a stable homefront.

You've said on previous posts that is 100% out of the question based on your wife's loans.

With both of us working DH and I have found we need to be more conservative with our decisions when it comes to our jobs. Doesn't mean we can't advance, but we have to be much more choosey on which risks we decide to take vs when we were DINKS.

Right now DH is stuck because I plan on getting my master's. I have the potential to advance farther and faster than he does.

I'd REALLY like to go into private, but his benefits SUCK and while my pay stinks you cannot beat the rest of my academic compensation package with a stick. So I am staying in academia for the benefits I recieve.

[Formerly SK]

Drama made several good points. Having a baby will impact both your careers in significant ways. If you really want to continue the 60+ hours/week and strive for all the promotions, you need to think about how that will impact having kids. For one, you will never see your child. Second, your wife will have to carry a lot of the burden of child-rearing (sick days, activities, etc) which will significantly impact *her* career. I think it would also impact your marriage, because I know if I "only" worked 40hr/wk but was also responsible for 100% of the child-rearing stuff because my DH worked 60 hrs/wk I'd get resentful FAST.

I was the oldest of four growing up and provided the childcare/babysitting for my parents. My dad called it "birth control." It worked...I've never had romantic illusions about wanting to have a baby. But even then, once I had them I was STILL astonished at how hard parenting is. They are now 5/6 and DH and I will be the first to say that we are exhausted and a bit resentful at how much we give up for them (mostly in time/energy). Don't get me wrong, I love my dc more than myself and will do everything in my power to give them a good life and raise them to be good adults, but it is a marathon that often feels like it is only uphill.

BTW, I had my dc at 31/33 and I wish I'd waited another year or two. 30 is a really arbitrary number...have your "deadline" be more about your life circumstances than some round digits.

[qofcc]

When DD was an infant, I worked an 8-5 job and XH worked 2-10 four days/wk with at least 1 weekend day, so she was at his cousin's aunt's home daycare from 1:30-5:30 three days/week. We lived in an apartment close to work. This worked out well in that I could get up and ready & off to work without having to get her up in the morning and we both had lots of one-on-one time with the baby and minimal daycare expense.

When DS was born, we had moved out of the apartment and bought a mobile home in the country an hour away from where we lived before. (long story, good intentions/bad decision) XH was out of work at the time, so he stayed home for a few weeks after my maternity leave ended. Then he found a job and we found a great teenage babysitter for both kids for the summer. She was the best daycare provider we ever had, I cried when she went back to school. XH's job didn't pay enough to cover 2 kids in full-time daycare plus commuting costs, and I wasn't able to find a decent paying job nearby then my job moved and they started road construction, so I was commuting nearly 3 hours/day and I was just totally exhausted, so finally he quit and stayed home with both kids for a while. He was supposed to get a PT job a couple nights a week, but never bothered.

We divorced when the kids were 6 and 4 and I worked an 8-5 job and payed for daycare (never received child support, but he would usually take them for at least part of the summer and sometimes on school holidays). I didn't have family to help and it was really hard to take time off from work (office manager of a 4 person office), so there were days when I brought the kids in to work with me when they were sick and set them up in a sleeping bag with the TV in the conference room. Raising 2 kids with no friends or family nearby to help is really hard, I don't recommend it.

[lulubean]

You are so right! My GF named her son "Damon" and everyone still calls him Damien! [image]

Beer, that is my DS name and the way we spell it, yup everyone calls him Damien.

[kgb18]

Oh baby names. I have loved my DD's name since I was a kid. I didn't know a single other baby with her name when she was born. I even looked on the most popular name list and it was there but way at the bottom of the top 100. Now it's everywhere, and it's ticking me off!

[robbase]

umm, not to sound mean, but didn't you guys just have huge enough problems with changing apartments? Imagine the complexity of a baby compared to an apartment. I would pump the breaks on the baby for a bit. Just being realistic. Flame away.

[luckyme]

" Because honestly, and flame away, what is the point of having a kid if you see him/her for two hours a night and weekends? "

Yeah, this is the thing I don't get for ambitious career oriented people. I had one boss owned the business, his wife owned her own business. They had two kids, an infant and a 4 yr old. They were in the best daycare money could buy, but they were there from the time it opened until it closed. They also had a nanny to watch them on weeknights and weekends when they were busy or having couple time.

One day my boss was dropping the kids off at daycare, and the 4 yr old flipped out, I mean flipped out. No consoling her at all. Father had to take her home. He didn't show up for a week. The kid had a kid version of a nervous breakdown. They had to make major changes in their work and life. His wife eventually ended up selling her business and taking a job elsewhere.

Everyone who worked there and knew them all felt the same way, why did you have them? And it was sad it took something like that for them to scale back. I often wondered if they resented their kids because of the changes they had to make.

I get tired sometimes, annoyed, etc, but I have never resented my kids for the time/energy they take, but being a SAHP, we didn't have the craziness that comes with juggling two careers and kids. But I have always wanted kids, and never desired a career. I think really ambitious/career oriented couples should think twice before having kids, they shouldn't be a resentment.

[Deleted]

I get tired sometimes, annoyed, etc, but I have never resented my kids for the time/energy they take

and that is heartbreaking about the 4 year old.

[raeoflyte]

Cawiau--I think everyone has said it best, that you do it because you have to, and it's usually more enjoyable than the stories make it sound. ;D

I'm sure that 1 or both of you would at least switch to the moderate track in your career for a while.

But I'll add that since you get along with your MIL and plan to live with her at some point, that it wouldn't be a bad idea to do that when you have kids if everyone is amenable to it.

My DH's dad immigrated from Chile and brought his mother with him. She always lived with him, and it was wonderful for dh and dsil to grow up so close to their grandmother. In the US, there is this feeling that grandparents should get to spoil the grandkids and be there for the fun stuff (and I'm not knocking that!), but for dh his grandma was like another mom. There wasn't any other family close, but if there had been it would be more of what you describe with the village.

Overall I think it lends itself to more balanced adults, but of course this is only if everyone is on board and wants this kind of arrangement. In Cawiau's case, I think it might.

[alabamagal]

Jul 12, 2011 18:36:07 GMT -5 midjd said:

DH's cousin totally stole our original baby name (Damian), I am still mad about that! It runs in the family, though... apparently this cousin's mom stole MIL's baby name (they were born just a few months apart), so DH's cousin has DH's "original" name. I like DH's name better anyway

We had this happen to us too. For our first boy, we just chose a different name. When we had second boy we just said "What the heck", we named the child the same as DH's cousin's son, they even have the same last name. We live 200 miles away and don't really see them anyway.

[Deleted]

When we had second boy we just said "What the heck", we named the child the same as DH's cousin's son, they even have the same last name. We live 200 miles away and don't really see them anyway.

DH has the same name as his cousin who's a couple of years older. They also live a couple hours away so we rarely see them as well.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 12, 2011 17:30:49 GMT -5 michelyn8 said:

Jul 12, 2011 15:55:23 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"Maddie (Madeline not Madison!)":::...

THANK you!!! I can only take so many more Madisons, Lexingtons and DeLaneys... And if I have to deal with another Aiden, I'm going to puke.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks Aiden is getting overused. That was DD2's first choice for her baby's name. Thank God she changed her mind and is going with Alisana (pronounced Alice Ana) Michelle. Still unique but not something everyone is using - and named after me. ;D But since its not all that easy to pronounce, I told her I will be calling her Ali.

lol. My dad sometimes has problems with Keira and Caleb. So she's K-girl and he's Cabe. Not something I'm going to fight about...

[Deleted]

Because honestly, and flame away, what is the point of having a kid if you see him/her for two hours a night and weekends? "

Yeah, this is the thing I don't get for ambitious career oriented people.

One of the kids at DS' preschool has parents that have super high powered careers - they travel quite a bit. He's one of four children and usually it's his nanny that drops him off. At first I thought that was weird but his parents show up for every special event, he chats all the time about the fun things he does with them, and his mom (whom I've met) is not the kind of person who is patient with toddlers.

I think if you are one of those parents who isn't into doing art projects, going to the park or reading the same story for the 100th time then hiring someone who can provide that kind of care while you bring home the $$$ to provide other opportunities is a good choice.

I love this cuddly toddler stage and all the things I get to do with DS - I'm not going to be providing him with great career advice though, which this other mom will.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"That was DD2's first choice for her baby's name. Thank God she changed her mind and is going with Alisana (pronounced Alice Ana) Michelle...":::...

A GIRL Aiden?!?!?!?! Eh, why not... we have girl Ryans and girl Tims. I'm also fed up with the multiple first name thing. Aiden-Christopher, or Haber-Michael... I guess when you have two fathers to "honor" and can't agree there is no other choice.

...:::"DH's cousin totally stole our original baby name (Damian), I am still mad about that!":::...

Oh I totally believe in keeping the names secret for precisely this reason. Some people also think that once the kid is already named, people won't criticize.

[moneymaven]

We chose DS' name because DH and I liked the historical significance it carries. Coming from multi-lingual families, they each call him his name in various languages. Which irritates the crap out of me. His name is his name, no changes for language necessary!

[pepper112765]

Jul 12, 2011 6:16:07 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

You figure it out as you go. No one knows what they are doing when they start.

Exactly. I don't know what I would have done without my mother's help.

[Deleted]

Some people also think that once the kid is already named, people won't criticize.

HA! My Mom wasn't thrilled with our choice for DD's name, but she did say "It's not my kid. Grandma will get used to it". And she did.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I got all sorts of flack concerning DD's name. I made the mistake of sharing it on the old EE and some posters got really mean about it. My dad and FIL weren't thrilled with at first, but now they love it. Once she was born everyone pretty much agreed that there is no other name that fits this kid.

Her middle name is what gave me the most grief. Her middle name is the shortened version of my dad's first name. DH and several others were insistent I was going to do untold psychological harm to her by giving her a "boy's" middle name. In the end DH came around because it is her middle name and he agreed that it defeats the purpose of giving her my dad's name if we change the spelling.

He said as long as no one calls her Gigi he is good.

[muttleynfelix]

We did 2 middle names. Of course most people don't know it. DS is just Ben, not Benjamin Edward Franklin LastName. Oh we didn't have his first name decided until we were on our way to the hospital for me to be induced. I always said DH couldn't name our children after naming his dog Muttley.... guess who came up with Benjamin. Yep, DH.