Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2011 14:41:46 GMT -5
it is rude to point out someone's faults? That is just how obnoxious people try to control others. The problem is they behave obnoxiously, not that someone said they behaved obnoxiously. And that is how I see this email. The problem is not that SMIL said it. The problem is that hopeful DIL did it. You do not have to point out someone's rude behavior to deal with a rude person. You cut them out, you do not invite them etc. The Step-MIL, should have spoken to her husband and her husband should have spoken to his son. But we are assuming that asking to eat something, when you have a medical condition is rude, or saying I can't/would not like to eat that is rude. Sorry but part of being a host is having enough food for your guest. And btw, you do not tell someone that their parents are not contributing enough to the wedding, that was rude. If the son and FDIL asked the father if he could contribute anything, that is not necessarily rude, depends on how it was ask. And you do not know if the son asked with the FDIL there or if the FDIL ask or even what entirely happened, I'd give a pass there. Basically this woman seems pissed about the FSDIL needing to eat and eat certain things and sleeping in. How much you want to bet the SS was sleeping in too?
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jul 2, 2011 14:55:05 GMT -5
I don't view any of those behaviors as rude. Good grief, this is supposed to be family. When I'm hosting family or friends as overnight guests, I want them to be as comfortable as possible. I point out that my home is their home and try to stock my fridge with food that accommodates. I don't expect guests/family to rise and set on my schedule, wait for my signal to pick up their fork, etc. If we have activities planned, then everyone knows the itinerary and can plan accordingly.
It's hard enough staying with the inlaws or anybody else's house- even when they are fabulous. If my MIL expected me to be "on stage" the whole time during my visit, I would rarely visit, never stay longer than 1-2 hours and would be sure to eat before I came so as not to have to worry about whether I'm eating too much or starting too early. Sheesh.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2011 14:55:41 GMT -5
If the DIL was whining about SMIL paying for things, then, yes, I think DIL was way outa line and I can see the snarky comment about just EXACTLY what was her family going to contribute. After all, if she is such a princess, the parents should have planned for the "ball." Not waiting for tohers to sit down before eating is just bad manners. If you are THAT hungry or your blood sugar is low, it's called a "snack." Something my Dad and DF keep on hand for just such emergencies. As far as not eating everything in sight, perhaps it was suggested she not take ALL of a certain dish before others got to try any of it?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2011 15:01:29 GMT -5
If the DIL was whining about SMIL paying for things, then, yes, I think DIL was way outa line and I can see the snarky comment about just EXACTLY what was her family going to contribute. After all, if she is such a princess, the parents should have planned for the "ball." Not waiting for tohers to sit down before eating is just bad manners. If you are THAT hungry or your blood sugar is low, it's called a "snack." Something my Dad and DF keep on hand for just such emergencies. As far as not eating everything in sight, perhaps it was suggested she not take ALL of a certain dish before others got to try any of it? You assume that is what she did, I do not because if the FDIL did I bet it would be in the letter. It seems more likely that the SS and FDIL asked about if the parents would be willing to contribute.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2011 15:03:20 GMT -5
The pair didn't just meet 5 minutes ago. I am sure the family is aware of the financial aspects of the bride to be's family. It probably wasn't an issue until the bride started wanting a lot of things she couldn't pay for, or her family.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 2, 2011 15:05:51 GMT -5
I appload to this woman! She said it for all of us. You do not married in a castle UNLESS YOU OWN ONE!!! Isn't that what YM is all about? Luxuries are for those who can afford them! And table manners...I would be feeling disquisted if my child marrying someone like that!
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 2, 2011 15:10:36 GMT -5
Part of class is to not dress down someone who you think is behaving badly. IMO, the SMIL was as rude as her potential DIL.
IMO, BOTH the MIL and DIL need etiquette lessons.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2011 15:11:31 GMT -5
The MIL is not being nasty about the parents not paying. She is commenting on the hopeful DIL wanting such a lavish wedding when she isn't paying for it. If the hopeful DIL was a YM poster she would be ripped a new one for this.
tbird it didn't say she asked for more food, she declared she did not have enough. That is a different thing.
I'd love to know what the HDIL said at the pub.
If you have a health issue that causes special needs it is up to you to deal with it. I know a couple of diabetics that take a bag of apples and granola bars with them almost everywhere jic.
I still say the HDIL was a snotty witch.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 2, 2011 15:12:21 GMT -5
I don't view any of those behaviors as rude. Good grief, this is supposed to be family. When I'm hosting family or friends as overnight guests, I want them to be as comfortable as possible. I point out that my home is there home and try to stock my fridge with food that accommodates. I don't expect guests/family to rise and set on my schedule, wait for my single to pick up their fork, etc. If we have activities planned, then everyone knows the itinerary and can plan accordingly. ... Are you crazy? They are English!!!
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 2, 2011 15:15:31 GMT -5
Where do I join MIL supportr group? I am sure there is one online...
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 2, 2011 15:19:36 GMT -5
If you have a health issue that causes special needs it is up to you to deal with it. I know a couple of diabetics that take a bag of apples and granola bars with them almost everywhere jic.
They'd take food with them when they're guests in someone else's home?
IMO, it's one thing to take food with you when you know you'll be out for the day, but in this case the DIL was the houseguest of her potential ILs.
As with all stories, there is her side and her side and the truth is somewhere in the middle. If the MIL thought the behavior was so atrocious that she needed to do something, writing an email was a clumsy (and rude) way of doing it.
IMO, the MIL does not like the DIL and was itching for a fight. Regardless of what the DIL did, it was going to be an error.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2011 15:28:22 GMT -5
Hopefully, BOTH parties have learned some valuable lessons.
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Post by lulubean on Jul 3, 2011 16:45:28 GMT -5
Yep, us English can be a bit snooty and you have to follow the house schedule, at least that is what I learned.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2011 17:22:45 GMT -5
Yes, if their diet was that strict. Not all their meals, just apples and granola bars to fill in if the family wasn't eating on the schedule they needed or serving food they couldn't eat.
I don't want guests treating my home as if it is theirs. It isn't theirs. I want my guests to be considerate and do their part to blend our different ways. This girl does not seem to have done that.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jul 3, 2011 18:09:21 GMT -5
MIL was wrong to email or write or even say things to the future step DIL if she ever hoped to have a friendly relationship with the princess. Princess might be a spoiled ill mannered girl without a lick of sense and a poor upbringing but that doesn't mean it is right to tell her about it. She could gradually let the girl or the boy what she wanted from them. For example if she wants to serve breakfast at 7AM and expects everyone to be up, showered and dressed by then she could tell her step son to let princess know the expectation or she could ask her nicely herself. She could have asked about her diet when she invited her and prepared for her or let her know to bring her own food.
Some diabetics have much more strict diets than others and need to be catered to or they end up in the hospital. We had one at my brother's on Christmas the house was filled with food, turkey cooking took longer than expected. There were lots of junk food servings around like fudge and cookies but some better food like raw veggie platter, side dishes like salad were ready but the turkey wasn't. Turned out the oven was failing and a bird about 35lbs was cooking way too slow. The diabetic was a BIL to the hostess and an older Englishman. He took his insulin and needed to be feed right then but he was stuburn. His wife and everyone was saying just fix a plate with side dishes and start eating. He insisted on waiting for everyone else to start eating while is wife and everyone was worried about him. It would have been less rude for him to start eating early than to worry others about him going into insulin shock. If there wasn't plenty of food in wide variety it would have been perfectly fine for his wife to ask her sister if she could make him a sandwich or get some fruit to hold him until the dinner was ready.
My brother is diabetic and ate pancakes with syrup the last two days while I was staying with him, he doesn't seem to be as bad as the his wife's BIL was. We were camping and he usually doesn't eat pancakes.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Jul 3, 2011 18:31:43 GMT -5
Did anyone else see the follow-up interview with the DIL's father, who boasted about telling his daughter not to respond and take the high road--and proceeded to slag off SMIL to the media? I thought that was rather ironic. (SMIL, in contrast, appears to be meeting all media requests with "I have nothing to say.")
I mostly think it's a shame to have this dirty laundry dragged all over the place. Must have been an awfully slow news day.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2011 19:45:10 GMT -5
Trash begets trash.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2011 20:00:22 GMT -5
Having a friendly relationship with someone like that means letting them walk all over you. I don't need friendly relationships with people like that.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 4, 2011 8:18:06 GMT -5
No kidding, even though her stepson is thinking with the wrong head, maybe, just maybe, he will think again.
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AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP
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Post by AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP on Jul 4, 2011 8:44:13 GMT -5
So, is the upshot of the money issue that the bride has champaign taste on a beer budget? I think that part of the email is entirely appropriate. It might be harsh, but as the father of a daughter who IS saving for her wedding-- we're still going to keep the budget in line with our means; and sure to cause consternation-- we're going to limit the guest list as the primary means of keeping the expenses in line.
Having been married now for 19 years, and having the benefit of looking back at our guest list and recognizing that we still speak to about 30 of the 300 people we thought had to be there...it hasn't given us 'regrets' per se, but it has definitely provided us wisdom and discernment. We're going to watch the guest list carefully.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 4, 2011 9:46:36 GMT -5
I just think it's unfortunate that the email was made public... though it does give some credence to the statement "never email something you don't want the entire world to read." If the email had stayed between the SMIL and DIL, they probably could have put it behind them. Now, I doubt they will make peace any time soon, if ever.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 4, 2011 10:25:00 GMT -5
Oh, it will draw the couple closer, for awhile, because the stepson is not about to admit that anyone thinking with a clearer head might just have a point. We were all once young and foolish.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 4, 2011 10:27:58 GMT -5
Hey, if it is JUST stepson's nickel then the couple has every right to spend as they see fit. I am sure the SMIL will be able to tell her friends that it's ALL the girl's pushing so as not to reflect badly on SMIL's family. That's what I'd do if my kids married someone that embarrassed me. My group of friends would commiserate and tell their own horror stories. I am so lucky that my kids date well. Whew!!!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2011 9:13:15 GMT -5
Heh heh!!!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 6, 2011 15:24:02 GMT -5
But is it still expected for the family of the bride to pay?Not so much. Depends on the individual family situation. I saw this the other day too
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 6, 2011 15:33:34 GMT -5
What's the saying? "Your input on the plans will be in direct porportion to your donation?" If the bride's family isn't forking it over then they have nothing to say, period. If the groom's family isn't forking it over, they have nothing to say, either.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 6, 2011 15:34:50 GMT -5
What's the saying? "Your input on the plans will be in direct porportion to your donation?" If the bride's family isn't forking it over then they have nothing to say, period. If the groom's family isn't forking it over, they have nothing to say, either.
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ameiko
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Post by ameiko on Jul 7, 2011 20:54:38 GMT -5
I don't know if the fiancee did any of the things that she is accused of but I do understand is her concern for her son as he partners up with a woman for life (hopefully) and with all that includes.
What I don't understand is people crucifying the MIL for "publicly humilating" the fiancee when it was the fiancee who forwarded the private e-mail. and one of her friends who took it from there. She brought it upon herself.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Jul 8, 2011 6:57:08 GMT -5
I read the article but didn't see where the inlaws were paying for the wedding. Did I miss that? If they were NOT, why was the MIL complaining about the castle?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2011 8:06:27 GMT -5
I don't know if the fiancee did any of the things that she is accused of but I do understand is her concern for her son as he partners up with a woman for life (hopefully) and with all that includes. What I don't understand is people crucifying the MIL for "publicly humilating" the fiancee when it was the fiancee who forwarded the private e-mail. and one of her friends who took it from there. She brought it upon herself.
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