cktc
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Post by cktc on Sept 17, 2019 13:47:22 GMT -5
I think he needs to be truthful just to get ahead of the rumor mill. Other parents and kids are going to notice his absence. He doesn't have to lay it all out there, but he can provide enough information that people aren't left thinking the absolute worst.
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oped
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Post by oped on Sept 17, 2019 13:51:58 GMT -5
Yeah. Far be it from me to stick up for your ex. I know he's an ass. But in this case, it actually seemed like maybe he was willing to take the brunt of the issue himself (say he was too busy and have carrot angry at him) than to have carrot get mad at and quit bs.
That said, i may be giving him more credit than he deserves. It is quite possible he only wants to maintain his image in his son's eyes, and only that. But I'm glad you didn't automatically blast him.
This is honestly why i was so pissed with bs from the beginning of your story, and am hoping this is not a common occurrence. Frankly they had no business causing this. Deny the leadership, yes. But the rest, no. I just don't think it was their place.
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oped
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Post by oped on Sept 17, 2019 13:54:19 GMT -5
I think he needs to be truthful just to get ahead of the rumor mill. Other parents and kids are going to notice his absence. He doesn't have to lay it all out there, but he can provide enough information that people aren't left thinking the absolute worst. You don't think lots of dads miss scouts for work commitments? I would doubt that most people would go right to assuming he had been asked not to attend because of an issue with his background check. It seems most people have a good opinion of him there. If Boy Scouts leaks private info, that becomes a different issue, i think.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 17, 2019 14:09:52 GMT -5
I think he needs to be truthful just to get ahead of the rumor mill. Other parents and kids are going to notice his absence. He doesn't have to lay it all out there, but he can provide enough information that people aren't left thinking the absolute worst. Why would they? Unless the Boy Scouts are sending the letter to everyone in the troop (and in that case there is a much bigger issue to deal with) why would anyone have to know why he's not coming? Work schedules change all the time. Carrot is going to want to know why Dad didn't pass the background check and things like domestic and drug abuse are big topics. I don't think it's fair to have this conversation thrust on Minnesota and Carrot if she's not ready. You know Ex is not likely to fully take charge of the conversation. That is a conversation that should happen when Minnesota feels Carrot is ready. If she had not gotten the letter what would the response be if Ex decided not to come anymore? Go with that.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Sept 17, 2019 14:13:54 GMT -5
I think he needs to be truthful just to get ahead of the rumor mill. Other parents and kids are going to notice his absence. He doesn't have to lay it all out there, but he can provide enough information that people aren't left thinking the absolute worst. You don't think lots of dads miss scouts for work commitments? I would doubt that most people would go right to assuming he had been asked not to attend because of an issue with his background check. It seems most people have a good opinion of him there. If Boy Scouts leaks private info, that becomes a different issue, i think. I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking smaller town where his absence would be noted and inquired about if people were used to seeing him and there is a shortage of parent participants. Also not sure how many people received the letter MPL did. The actual charges weren't listed, someone might feel its ok to say he didn't pass a background check.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 17, 2019 14:42:12 GMT -5
I think he needs to be truthful just to get ahead of the rumor mill. Other parents and kids are going to notice his absence. He doesn't have to lay it all out there, but he can provide enough information that people aren't left thinking the absolute worst. Why would they? Unless the Boy Scouts are sending the letter to everyone in the troop (and in that case there is a much bigger issue to deal with) why would anyone have to know why he's not coming? Work schedules change all the time. Carrot is going to want to know why Dad didn't pass the background check and things like domestic and drug abuse are big topics. I don't think it's fair to have this conversation thrust on Minnesota and Carrot if she's not ready. You know Ex is not likely to fully take charge of the conversation. That is a conversation that should happen when Minnesota feels Carrot is ready.If she had not gotten the letter what would the response be if Ex decided not to come anymore? Go with that. I agree and disagree with this. I'd be prepared for enough of an explanation along the lines of "Ex2.0 made some poor decisions when you were a baby. He really wanted to be in Scouts with you so he's been helping out as a volunteer leader. He applied to be a full on leader and the BS had to look at his past. In during so, they saw those decisions and decided he can't be a leader and shouldn't come to the meetings anymore. It's really frustrating for you and him that he can't come anymore. I wish things were different but you and ex 2.0 has to live and work with the results of those decisions."
If Carrot asks what ex 2.0 did - you can say he broke several laws and even went to jail. I don't know Carrot so I don't know how much he'd question this. If he asks which laws, I'd start with DUIs myself. If Carrot wants detailed info, you can refer him to ex2.0 with a message of "talking about people who aren't here is gossiping. It's not nice or fair to do it." Hell, you can probably tie a whole lot of the discussion into the values and being his best message that the Scouts push.
If Carrot is a Jr, he's probably going to find out sooner or later because similar names get mixed up on credit reports and whatnot all the time. He'll get some wrong mail/email.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 17, 2019 14:55:36 GMT -5
I'm not saying never share it. I just think it's unfair because if Minnesota had not gotten the letter too she'd be none the wiser. BS went and thrust it on her.
It should be her call when, if and how much she shares.
She knows her kid. Personally I would not leave the discussion up to Ex so if he's more comfortable lying regardless of motive I'd let it go.
I wouldn't go out of my way to craft cover stories but I wouldn't kick the nest right now either.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2019 15:15:11 GMT -5
I would say a lot of the leaders go the letter because most are doubling as committee members in some capacity. I'm fairly certain that among the adults in the Pack the fact that he didn't pass the background check will be common knowledge. They don't have to speculate a whole lot, it takes all of 5 minutes to pull it all up.
BTW, Ex 2.0 told me the two charges that resulted in them excluding him were the violating the no contact order and the gross misdemeanor terroristic threats charge. I think my tongue was bleeding from biting it when he tried to blow those off as nothing. He said, the violating the order should never have happened because his brother and SIL invited us both to a party at their house. Well, us both showing up is NOT what caused the charges! It was the abducting of Carrot at said party, then screaming and crying from everyone in the yard trying to get him to return him, the subsequent wig out chasing us down the road while we drove away that resulted in his SIL also filing an order for protection. The terroristic threats he just says he was mad at his mom's boyfriend and told him he was going to kill him. Um...again no...that's pretty tame compared to how I remember it. My car needed to be taken to the salvage yard after he tore it apart with his bare hands during that incident. Then there was the whole being paraded naked down the street at gun point after a 5 hour manhunt. I get mental health issues and drugs were at play, but these are days that I don't think of as nothing. They were absolutely horrible.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 17, 2019 15:35:16 GMT -5
Yeah based on that I go with letting him lie. He doesn't have the self awareness to deal in the truth.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 17, 2019 15:41:49 GMT -5
You are so much kinder and rational than I am mpl. I don't think I could bite my tongue.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Sept 17, 2019 16:01:23 GMT -5
You are so much kinder and rational than I am mpl. I don't think I could bite my tongue. Same and I know you are trying to protect Carrot as long as possible. Someday he will find out.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 17, 2019 16:21:39 GMT -5
I hope this week is better for him. Thanks. If there isn't an improvement this week I think I might pull him and try again in January. I'd really like it to work out and think he would love it if he gave it a chance, but I just can't see sending him if he doesn't enjoy it, doesn't participate and is a distraction to the other kids. How's he adjusting to the routine?
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Sept 17, 2019 17:13:54 GMT -5
Thanks. If there isn't an improvement this week I think I might pull him and try again in January. I'd really like it to work out and think he would love it if he gave it a chance, but I just can't see sending him if he doesn't enjoy it, doesn't participate and is a distraction to the other kids. How's he adjusting to the routine? Really well! He had some pushing issues a couple weeks ago but we talked about it and haven't had any other problems since. I gave my number to a few parents this week so I can try to build up his social skills a bit more. We'll see if anything comes of it. He is the only three year old in his class though so all his friends will be starting kindergarten next year.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2019 7:27:53 GMT -5
Well, just when I accepted the lying thing maybe being better, I get a late night text saying, "Well, now I think I'm going to tell him the truth and tell him I want him to be better than me and that maybe if I had been in scouts I wouldn't have gotten in so much trouble". He goes to his dad's this evening too, so we'll see what happens.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Sept 18, 2019 7:40:24 GMT -5
Hugs MPL.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 18, 2019 9:05:32 GMT -5
Well, just when I accepted the lying thing maybe being better, I get a late night text saying, "Well, now I think I'm going to tell him the truth and tell him I want him to be better than me and that maybe if I had been in scouts I wouldn't have gotten in so much trouble". He goes to his dad's this evening too, so we'll see what happens.
Lord MPL. You have amazing strength to be able to keep your temper in this situation.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 18, 2019 9:22:08 GMT -5
That would be an amazing amount of self reflection for him. Still not taking responsibility for his actions, but at least acknowledging on some level that his actions have consequences.
I can see the appeal of lying about it, and mostly because long term that would likely backfire on ex. Kids can accept a lot of things, but not so much lying.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 18, 2019 9:28:52 GMT -5
How's he adjusting to the routine? Really well! He had some pushing issues a couple weeks ago but we talked about it and haven't had any other problems since. I gave my number to a few parents this week so I can try to build up his social skills a bit more. We'll see if anything comes of it. He is the only three year old in his class though so all his friends will be starting kindergarten next year. That didn't take long at all!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 18, 2019 9:29:23 GMT -5
Pants -- how's the school year going for B?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2019 9:57:13 GMT -5
Well, just when I accepted the lying thing maybe being better, I get a late night text saying, "Well, now I think I'm going to tell him the truth and tell him I want him to be better than me and that maybe if I had been in scouts I wouldn't have gotten in so much trouble". He goes to his dad's this evening too, so we'll see what happens.
Lord MPL. You have amazing strength to be able to keep your temper in this situation. I told him he didn't have to jump into telling him anything right away. He said, "But isn't there a meeting tomorrow night?". Yes, but it's a parent meeting. I told him I was sure he could easily pull off the "I can't make it" thing for quite a while before Carrot even remotely questioned it, and he can't untell him anything after it's been said. Who knows what he'll do, but if he does tell him, it will certainly have his spin of it "being nothing", which is a bit annoying. I don't really want to unload the FULL truth on him, but I hope he doesn't make it seem like he was kicked out of BSA for jaywalking.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Sept 18, 2019 10:03:33 GMT -5
If he does make it seem like it's over jaywalking, what do you say to Carrot if he asks you about it.
I doubt Carrot would realize Boys Scouts wouldn't kick him out over jaywalking.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Sept 18, 2019 13:30:11 GMT -5
Pants -- how's the school year going for B? Up and down. They're starting a 504 for her, but observing her till december. She lost a class election to be "Ambassador" (aka minimal student govt, from what I understand) and is sad about it. She mastered the monkey bars, which is her fave thing to do at recess. Jury still out on friendships, but she's not currently being actively bullied. She enjoys her 1:1 therapy and group social skills class. Meds don't really seem to be doing much yet, so going to adjust those with the dr next month. Some days seem terrible, some seem great. Mostly she doesn't want to talk about it with me.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 18, 2019 14:05:08 GMT -5
Pants -- how's the school year going for B? Up and down. They're starting a 504 for her, but observing her till december. She lost a class election to be "Ambassador" (aka minimal student govt, from what I understand) and is sad about it. She mastered the monkey bars, which is her fave thing to do at recess. Jury still out on friendships, but she's not currently being actively bullied. She enjoys her 1:1 therapy and group social skills class. Meds don't really seem to be doing much yet, so going to adjust those with the dr next month. Some days seem terrible, some seem great. Mostly she doesn't want to talk about it with me. I hate it when they won't talk to me about big stuff. I'm glad she's getting a break from the bullying.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 19, 2019 7:31:01 GMT -5
I told the kids last night when we got home that they could either do homework or help me clean our disaster of a kitchen. They opted for homework.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 19, 2019 7:34:59 GMT -5
How'd last night go MPL? Pants, that sounds positive, mostly? I'm sorry she's not talking to you. K will chatter all the time with dh about school. With me, I get single sentences about school.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 19, 2019 8:41:37 GMT -5
Here's the not proud parenting moment from yesterday. C was being an ass to K. We were taking K to the doctor's office to get her shots current. We had a nurse's appointment for her to just get the shots. I'd been debating getting C a flu shot. The kids have appointments for their annual physicals in Oct so if we didn't do it yesterday, we'd do it then. So he was getting a flu shot either way. But because he was being an ass, in a moment of frustration, I asked the staff if they could get him a flu shot too. And they checked and decided that they could do it. So we did. Not one of my proudest parenting decisions but oh well.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2019 9:06:18 GMT -5
He claims he told him, but says he doesn't think it sank in much. So, I'm not sure what he said exactly. He didn't text me until after Carrot was in bed and had he not I would have not guessed he said anything to him because Carrot was acting perfectly normal and didn't say anything about it. I have to take him to a scout meeting tonight so we'll see if that triggers any conversation.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2019 9:08:32 GMT -5
Here's the not proud parenting moment from yesterday. It sounds like you were just being efficient to me!
I was an ass to both kids this morning. They were making me really mad not getting ready, Carrot was smarting off, and I was running late. Finally I told them their ride was leaving and I'd be in the van. I didn't wait in the garage. I pulled into the driveway. It was raining. Pretty hard.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Sept 19, 2019 17:16:12 GMT -5
MPL if you're willing, I think you might benefit from asking Ex2 to tell you exactly what he told Carrot. Because I'm sure he minimized everything (which is understandable given Carrot's age). But whether Carrot does or doesn't continue with Scouting, you're eventually going to need to know what Ex 2 said, and complement/explain things as Carrot gets older. I have a question for you Ladies. I gave a gift for a newborn today. I ended up buying it online because it was easier than buying it in a store and shipping it. I found out that my family's favorite brand of kids' clothes exists in the UK now (the gift was for someone in the UK). The baby is a week old. So I ordered (IMO) very cute size 18 months pjs, for NEXT winter. Both DH and DS3 looked at me like I was insane. I remember when I had my kids, my much-older sister told me, EVERYONE will buy you really small sizes, 1 mo/3 mo/6 mo. You'll have too many of those small sizes, so you should either get 12 months for the next season if it's available, or 18 months for the following (same) season. I've ALWAYS done that, and it's always been appreciated! So DH's and DS3's reaction surprised me. Am I wrong to think that new moms would appreciate getting clothing in a bigger size? I bought 18 months, not 4 years LOL.
Any input would be appreciated. I've ALWAYS done this with clothing (obviously not with more expensive items like a bed/stroller/etc that are generally bought by close family).
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Sept 19, 2019 17:28:41 GMT -5
I would have been good with the 18 month size if I had a newborn.
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