Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 19, 2018 19:56:36 GMT -5
Damn. I'm sorry drama.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 19, 2018 20:29:21 GMT -5
Make your brother by it back. He should know better too. Considering he is on medicaid and foodstamps that's not happening. I know it's a walking YM stereotype. I did tell DH I will punch my brother if he ever gives him pot again. I also threatened his other friend he gets it from sometimes. Kratom is in the trash outside. Don't ever let anyone you know take that shit. While it is true it's a good opioid substitute you just get addicted to the kratom instead. There is no data in the effects of long term sustained use or drug interactions which is why I want him off it. If he could be a recreational smoker I'd have no problems with pot. An addict can't do moderation though. So pot needs to go too. We talked some but it's shaky ground. I'm not apologizing for anything I said or my ultimatum. I want a better brighter future hopefully with DH in it. He asked what would have happened if he called it and I said you know exactly what I would have done. It's not an empty threat.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Oct 19, 2018 20:57:21 GMT -5
Drama - what about contacting the therapist you two saw after Gwen was born? IIRC, s/he was an addiction specialist and it could be helpful for both of you.
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Oct 19, 2018 21:33:58 GMT -5
I'm sorry Drama. I got nothing but hugs, a shoulder and a 2x4. And a cast-iron frying pan or 2!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 20, 2018 8:27:58 GMT -5
Drama - what about contacting the therapist you two saw after Gwen was born? IIRC, s/he was an addiction specialist and it could be helpful for both of you. The hospital got rid of the on site EAP. It's now way out in West O. They did recently add web chats cause not all us employees can drive nearly out to Lincoln during work hours. I'll have to check it out.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Oct 20, 2018 9:02:55 GMT -5
Sorry, drama. That sucks.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 20, 2018 9:22:28 GMT -5
Just on the cost of it...if you're buying with a medical card it's way cheaper than recreational. The tax on recreational is huge. Here at least both of those things drove out the cheap stuff. I wouldn't assume it's that much weed, which means it can get really expensive really fast.
Drama-has he gone to NA? Realistically if it's been 14 years he can't stay off of it on his own. I don't see him quitting because of an ultimatum. He can love and cherish you and the kids and still not have the tools to stop. If it were me I'd probably give him some starting places (site to find a therapist on your insurance, nearest NA meeting) but tell him he has to do the work including to lay out terms including short, medium, and long term plans for staying sober.
And get thyself to al-anon. I'm not into their religious overtones, but they've been doing this a long time and just being with people who can relate can help you whether you stay or go.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 20, 2018 9:36:51 GMT -5
I've done al-anon. Listening to other stories messed me up. I have always been the type to interalize that stuff which is why despite my teacher encouraging me I never went into the social sciences.
But their materials are useful.
I briefly brought up addiction counseling last night.
I should explain it's not 14 years of pot. It started with ephedrine in his 20s. He quit that and was sober for almost a decade. Then he developed stones and DR Quack started handing out pain pills like tic tacs.
He quit those then started again several years later because Dr Quack gave them to him again for the same reason.
He stopped pain pills in March. Now we've moved onto pot and Kratom. [br
I will agree they are "better" compared to opioids but they are fucking expensive. The costs are ballooning to unsustainable.
All of this is part of the addiction cycle. The therapist warned me that this was going to happen it is rare for an addict to get on and stay on the wagon forever.
He needs addiction therapy. Quitting is great but he has never developed the tools to not turn around and replace it with something else.
I have to see if Heartland is on our list. They do sliding scale if you have no insurance or it sucks. Plus they are right here in town which provides less excuse to not go.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 20, 2018 9:50:39 GMT -5
And PSA to anyone thinking about Kratom. Yes it is a "safer" replacement for opioids but the issue is then the person gets addicted to kratom. In that sense it's just as bad.
Plus there is no regulation and no real research into long term effects or drug interactions.
So don't let people argue it's some kind of miracle cure for the opioid crisis. I made the mistake of listening and brought it to DH. It's been his choice to take it but I have to accept I walked right into being an enabler.
Hoping the government does me a solid abd bans it like ephedrine.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 20, 2018 10:08:58 GMT -5
I knew it wasn't just pot, but the cycle. This isn't your battle and the more work you do for him, even on dealing with insurance means you are enabling him. Addicts don't quit because their loved ones want them too. Which doesnt mean he doesnt love you. It just means that the addiction isnt about you or in your control.
If you are serious about the ultimatum lay out your ground rules (including that they can change) and let him choose and do the work. If you're serious, start the contingency plan of separating so you're prepared.
If you don't know if your serious (which is okay too), focus on you and the girls and still let him do the work.
Regardless I think a girls weekend is in order. Take the girls to the zoo or museum, or whatever you'd all enjoy to give both you and him time to think about what you want.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 20, 2018 10:59:25 GMT -5
I'm going to take the kids grocery shopping. What an exciting life we lead.
I told Gwen I'll take her to Panera of lunch we haven't done that in awhile.
DH will stay here hopefully to do some soul searching.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 20, 2018 11:09:33 GMT -5
I'm going to take the kids grocery shopping. What an exciting life we lead. I told Gwen I'll take her to Panera of lunch we haven't done that in awhile. DH will stay here hopefully to do some soul searching. Hugs Drama. My heart breaks for you, but don't have to put up with his addictions. You deserve better. How did the interview go?
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 20, 2018 12:10:47 GMT -5
Drama, it's time for you to take steps to protect yourself and the girls. Make an emergency budget on just your salary. Remove your DH's access to the accounts. If he wants to buy drugs he will find them. But what scares me, as an outside observer, is his willingness to spend money you had set aside for something else on drugs, then text you and tell you that right before a job interview. That's a level of both sadism and masochism that's... worrisome.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 20, 2018 12:32:14 GMT -5
I'm going to take the kids grocery shopping. What an exciting life we lead. I told Gwen I'll take her to Panera of lunch we haven't done that in awhile. DH will stay here hopefully to do some soul searching. Hugs Drama. My heart breaks for you, but don't have to put up with his addictions. You deserve better. How did the interview go? It went well. They want to look at a couple other people which in my pessimism usually tells me I'm not it. Two weeks and I'll know either way. I don't think DH is a sadist. He's just stupid. His logic is I buy a book he gets to buy something too. He doesn't get there is a difference between $120 on pot and $15 on a book. His logic is he didn't take the money from checking therefore it's okay. Savings is not an EF it's a way to spend and it doesn't count. That has been an issue from day one which is why I created the savings account to begin with. If he saw it he'd spend it. Since I made $120 in over time to him its a wash. So why am I pissed? He told me he spent it. Never occurs to him to ask BEFORE he spends. A lot of things came to a head yesterday. He has not been a bad husband or father in a lot of ways but the two biggest hurdles are going to destroy everything. Clearly things were not as resolved as I thought which is a huge source of my anger. I'm sick of being hoodwinked.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Oct 20, 2018 14:03:00 GMT -5
I didn't know pot was legal by drama. Then again I only know Colorado and Canada are legal so clearly I'm out of the loop. You got this Drama. We all have faith in you. I took the day off because the kids have off. We got some of the winter clothing shopping done. Yay! I need a coat for K still. And need to check on mittens,hats and scarves. It’s legal on the west coast.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2018 14:04:35 GMT -5
I just got back from the swim meet. I did end up riding with Ex. I was set on driving myself all week, then at the last minute, I thought, screw it, I don't know how weird it's going to be until I try. It actually went pretty well. It wasn't like I had a great time with him, but it wasn't super awkward and uncomfortable either. It was a tolerable weird. Best of all Carrot did really well. He broke both of his best times, competed in a new event, and got a second place in backstroke which was awesome!
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Oct 20, 2018 14:12:47 GMT -5
I just got back from the swim meet. I did end up riding with Ex. I was set on driving myself all week, then at the last minute, I thought, screw it, I don't know how weird it's going to be until I try. It actually went pretty well. It wasn't like I had a great time with him, but it wasn't super awkward and uncomfortable either. It was a tolerable weird. Best of all Carrot did really well. He broke both of his best times, competed in a new event, and got a second place in backstroke which was awesome! I’m glad for you on all accounts.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Oct 20, 2018 14:13:18 GMT -5
DH just changed guard jobs. I've been harassing him about his new schedule the last three weeks since I had a dental bone graft today and a follow up tomorrow. He just found out he is supposed to be working this weekend. Now my car is stranded up at the doctor's because he drove me home today and I was going to pick it up tomorrow. I have to figure out a ride and childcare for my appointment and he is mantrumming that they didn't give him sooner notice. My face hurts and this was supposed to be my chance to let him handle the kids. I have no sympathy. 🙄@not enough notice
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 20, 2018 15:06:30 GMT -5
Hugs Drama. My heart breaks for you, but don't have to put up with his addictions. You deserve better. How did the interview go? It went well. They want to look at a couple other people which in my pessimism usually tells me I'm not it. Two weeks and I'll know either way. I don't think DH is a sadist. He's just stupid. His logic is I buy a book he gets to buy something too. He doesn't get there is a difference between $120 on pot and $15 on a book. His logic is he didn't take the money from checking therefore it's okay. Savings is not an EF it's a way to spend and it doesn't count. That has been an issue from day one which is why I created the savings account to begin with. If he saw it he'd spend it. Since I made $120 in over time to him its a wash. So why am I pissed? He told me he spent it. Never occurs to him to ask BEFORE he spends. A lot of things came to a head yesterday. He has not been a bad husband or father in a lot of ways but the two biggest hurdles are going to destroy everything. Clearly things were not as resolved as I thought which is a huge source of my anger. I'm sick of being hoodwinked. I'm sorry, but bullshit. You guys have had this fight enough times. You've given him ultimatums about drug use. You've had conversations about money. He knows your job situation is precarious at best. He knows. Even in an addicts brain "I'm going to tell my wife I spent all our savings on pot!" does not equal "She's going to be so happy!" Bullshit he didn't know he was at the very least going to *potentially* upset you.
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WholeLottaNothin
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Post by WholeLottaNothin on Oct 20, 2018 16:54:31 GMT -5
So sorry, Drama ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/sad.png)
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 21, 2018 9:15:28 GMT -5
On day three of barely speaking. I contacted EAP they will get back to me on Monday. Hopefully someone can do a web session, it says on all the posters they offer it but the lady on the phone yesterday didn't know anything about it. Moving it off campus was the worst idea IMO it makes it really hard for people to go.
We are technically supposed to not suffer retaliation for leaving work for EAP purposes but come on, this is Nebraska we are talking about here.
DH is to call Heartland about addiction therapy and it is not optional.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 21, 2018 9:55:47 GMT -5
Do our have a plan in case he doesn't call?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 21, 2018 11:26:18 GMT -5
Not at the moment. I'm busy right now deciding if I want to kill myself going in to work this afternoon or skip it and likely pass out on Monday from exhaustion. The last three days were so bad that I can barely walk this weekend I am so sore. I'm also severely dehydrated because I cannot take a break or at least not one long enough to be able to make up what I am losing with the constant running around and standing.
Then I am worried about whether a job offer will come in two weeks. On top of hunting for more openings and trying to keep on top of all the other applications I have out there.
I have my physical tomorrow which shoots my blood pressure thru the roof because I had abnormal results when I was 19 and my doctor at the time had horrid beside manner, the whole situation traumatized me so badly that I am nearly in tears every time I go in for a pap smear. Prenatal care was torture for me to where I haven't gone in for four years. Then I'm so fucked up hormonally and mentally. Going off my meds was a good idea from a physical standpoint,I probably would have had a heart attack already going at the rate I am going physically right now with those side effects. But it was the wrong time to make that decision if I had known how bad this job was going to be I would have worked with the psych to figure out something else. Trying to do both these things at the same time has been awful.
It's all too much which is what lead to me blowing my stack. I don't honestly know if I should have said what I said. I am not disclosing what I said verbatim on here cause it's already bad enough the texts exist. I can't take any of that back and I have no clue how to even go forward from here. Hopefully the EAP gets back to me tomorrow.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 21, 2018 11:48:58 GMT -5
And what is he doing to make your life less stressful today?
I'm sorry. I'm not in a good head space and I want to maim him.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Oct 21, 2018 22:22:34 GMT -5
Oh, Drama. I just want to give you a hug. None of this is right or fair and it sucks.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Oct 21, 2018 23:42:10 GMT -5
Oh, Drama. I just want to give you a hug. None of this is right or fair and it sucks. Ditto this.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Oct 22, 2018 1:11:12 GMT -5
Drama - you are doing a remarkable job of hanging in there while also doing what needs to be done. Sending hugs and support.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 22, 2018 5:07:28 GMT -5
Drama - you are doing a remarkable job of hanging in there while also doing what needs to be done. Sending hugs and support. I would disagree. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am holding back tears right now as I walk into work dreading what I'll see on my bench. Everything is linked to the decision to take this job. My physical and mental health is eroding. It's ruining all my relationships no matter how hard I try to compartmentalize. I can't get myself to quit. It goes against my nature and everything I've been taught. But at the same time IDK if I can make it. Mom is right I'm not too young to have a heart attack. None if this excuses DH. However it is making it hard to process and figure out how much is him vs how much is everything else creating smoke in mirrors.
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ners
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Post by ners on Oct 22, 2018 5:43:36 GMT -5
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Oct 22, 2018 6:41:44 GMT -5
Drama - you are doing a remarkable job of hanging in there while also doing what needs to be done. Sending hugs and support. I would disagree. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am holding back tears right now as I walk into work dreading what I'll see on my bench. Everything is linked to the decision to take this job. My physical and mental health is eroding. It's ruining all my relationships no matter how hard I try to compartmentalize. I can't get myself to quit. It goes against my nature and everything I've been taught. But at the same time IDK if I can make it. Mom is right I'm not too young to have a heart attack. None if this excuses DH. However it is making it hard to process and figure out how much is him vs how much is everything else creating smoke in mirrors.
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