Advice About My Teenager...

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

May 7, 2011 7:54:10 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Great update. Something very interesting I noticed from it:

Your son seems very capable. He passed the written test. He made the appointment. You seem to have found something that "works".

[Gardening Grandma]

mtshasta,
Thanks for the update. It sounds like you have him back on track. Well done.

[rmtvbrooks]

I'm so glad the school will work with him to help him graduate and that the perpetrators of the harassment are being punished also. I'm also glad you found a way for your son to learn a valuable lesson. We can't control what other people do, but we CAN control our response to it. He's learning a good lesson about handling his response to bad situations. I'm glad things are working out for you!

[NastyWoman]

May 6, 2011 12:43:27 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"after having a tampon thrown in his face, and it apparently filmed for YouTube":::...

I see this very differently than most of you will. First of all, it is a damn good thing your kid hit the window, instead of knocking the other people's teeth down their throat. Better he is on film doing that, than on film hurting another. Since it always seems to be the reactor who gets in trouble, not the instigator, thank your lucky stars he hit the window. Plus, if he really broke the window, I wonder if it sunk in to the other bullies that if he can break a thick bus window, he can bust some skulls.

The video adds a whole other element to this story. If I were you, I would find that video online and save it with a video downloader. Then, get the meanest shark attorney and sue the ever loving crap out of each and every person involved in the incident and making of the video, and then the school district for fostering this kind of environment. This is the kind of stuff that makes people kill themselves, and you can ride the coat tails of several recent "cyber-bullying turned suicide" cases. Don't rest until you are either accepting big settlement checks, or groveling pleading apologies from everyone involved.

Thank you I was looking for someone who had written this. The behavior of the other student(s) is indicative of prolonged bullying and while I don't think that punching a bus window is the best reaction, it sure beats a lot of other options.

[buzzy]

Mtshasta, I feel your pain, been there, done that, got several t-shirts. Well done on how you handled it. Your son needs to know that actions have consequences, but i.m.o. he also needs to know that you love him no matter what, and that you have his back, which you've done by loaning him the money to pay for the bus window and sticking up for him with the school. My son needed therapy and the only way I could force him to go was by telling him that either he had therapy or he found somewhere else to live - he knew I was at the end of my thether and I meant it 100% - and he's now in therapy and I'm hopeful that he can get better and fulfil his potential. He's a fine young man (even if I say it myself!) but he's built so many protective layers, that it was very hard even for me to see it.

[straydog]

May 6, 2011 23:39:45 GMT -5 @mtshastawriter said:

Update...

The school is agreeable to letting my DS finish the school year by attending school one day a week. This time will mostly be spent in the wood shop finishing up his Sr. Project which is a requirement to graduate.

The county mental health people called again today, after yet another school referral, and I told DS that it is a requirement of living here that he go. He actually was less resistant than in the past and made the appointment! Yay!...

And, took him to take his written driver's test today and he passed! Next Friday we will do in the car and if he passes that, then he can drive himself to school for the rest of the year.

I also traded him a check for the window for his prized iPod. Once he graduates and can pay me back for it, then he can have it back. I think some punishment is in order and this is the one thing that he really values in life. He can do without it for a month or two and that can be his sacrifice in all of this mess....

Thanks again for everyone's suggestions. I know that graduating is of the utmost importance but that was a hard thing for me to see through my own anger and frustration at the situation.

I did call the principal today and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that I expect the perpetrators to have disciplinary action brought against them. This typically doesn't happen here (small town with lots of people related to lots of other people...) but I was assured that both the person who tried to film the incident and the perpetrator were both well disciplined.

[Firebird]

OP, wow. I'm amazed at your ability to handle such a tough situation with grace, especially under such tough circumstances. You are doing an incredible job. I have no advice or suggestions to offer, just kudos.

Dark, bullies come in both genders and girls can actually be even worse than boys (as other posters have said). It almost never escalates to physical violence the way it does with boys, though, and you don't want to be teaching your girls to hit over verbal provocations because they WILL get in trouble for that if the other party was only using words. Just something to think about.

My children lost their father recently due to his arrest for sexually abusing our daughter, then his subsequent suicide a couple of months ago when he found out his trial date. I understand well what the OP and her son are going through. My son is 13 and has developmental delays and Tourette's Syndrome. A child with special needs presents some unique challenges when dealing with a loss and things like bullying. After my husband's arrest, my son on a couple of occasions raised his fist as if to hit me. He is in counseling now and has not done that in several months, but it is a scary thing to see that kind of anger in a teenager.

Hugs to you. What an awful situation, but you seem to be handling it very well also.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Dark, bullies come in both genders and girls can actually be even worse than boys (as other posters have said). It almost never escalates to physical violence the way it does with boys, though, and you don't want to be teaching your girls to hit over verbal provocations because they WILL get in trouble for that if the other party was only using words. Just something to think about.

That's fine, I can teach them to hit back with words as well. The point is, I've been making it clear to my kids from the time they started kindergarten, that I have no problem with them standing up for themselves if they need to. Don't spend years in silent misery hoping the other kid will stop being a dick. Give them a reason to find somebody else that's easier to pick on. I mean, by all means, tell the teacher, a counselor, the principal, us, whatever, and hope it gets handled. If that doesn't work, tell the kid in no uncertain terms to fuck off. If that doesn't work, beat the ever loving crap out of them once, or give it your best shot anyway.

Predators are predators, whether we're talking about bullies at school or animals in nature. They feed on the weak and defenseless, the kids who stick out. The kids who for whatever reason might as well have the word victim written on their foreheads. Don't be that kid, and you're already ahead of the game. If for whatever reason you do get targeted though, for the love of god, don't act like that kid.

[dianartemis]

Dark - one thing that always works, show the predator you're worse than they are. I got out of a lot of fights and had absolutely no physical bullying after one attempt by a group of girls. Apparently I scared the crap out of them because my eyes went absolutely dead and I was too calm when I asked them when and where. I also told them my dad taught me box and I would hurt them. They had tried words in the past, but I never gave them anything to work with.

I will say I was running on instinct, I knew it was coming as I'd kept them from bullying someone else. That crowd was known for bullying in a group (cowards). I didn't find out until my ten year hs reunion why they left me alone.