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Post by debtheaven on May 22, 2011 17:40:09 GMT -5
Zib I'm so sorry I really need to go to bed now I'll get back when I can. Just hang in there. Feel free to IM me but I won't be able to respond for a couple of days.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2011 19:12:04 GMT -5
Feel better soon. Thanks for all your help.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 23, 2011 11:34:47 GMT -5
I don't think there is anything wrong with him helping you since you seem to have moved and changed your life to accommodate his. This said, I have to admit I don't love the term "allowance" either. I agree that it is a demeaning term, you need to find another one. How about DF decided to gift you your health care costs, so you could be available to take care of his health (since his health seems to be an issue)? Does that sound better? Zib, you were financially independent before. I know you moved in with DF, but were you working before? Is that what changed? I thought you had already retired. Also, I think your DD is nearly done with school. That will free up some money (maybe even a lot of money). (((Zib))) Zib, I'm really glad you talked to him about it. If you don't like allowance you can always think of it as payment for services rendered. ;D I'm sure EE can come up with something funny.... You're not leeching either. You've sacrificed a lot to be with him.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 23, 2011 12:16:08 GMT -5
"Services rendered." I LIKE that term. Makes me feel like a high class "call girl!!!!"
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turbothumper
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Post by turbothumper on May 23, 2011 13:00:15 GMT -5
Zib, great job talking to him. I am so proud of you. I think it is great that if he doesn't want you to work, he is assisting you financially. Your time is WORTH something!!!!! Do NOT undervalue yourself!! You know that you could go out and get a job, you are able and willing. He wants your time for himself. So, he gets to pay for it. As I see it, there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that!! However, if you are not comfortable with it, then you must ask yourself, are you sure that you are comfortable not working in an outside of the home job? Your feelings about accepting his team attitude toward your relationship (I see it as that, you are a team, both contributing different things for an end result that you both want), say more about your self image than what anyone else thinks or feels about it. Make sure YOU are comfortable with the situation. Do NOT give up any of your self worth. You are AMAZING!!! Remember it, revel in it, and guess what, he is getting a steal!! If you are okay with playing this as a team, then be ok with it. Let the insecurities and the questions go. Don't worry, be happy!!! (Okay, my pep talk is done.)
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 23, 2011 13:08:44 GMT -5
Thank you. I HAVE thought about getting a job but it would be for the income not for the fun of it. The nice thing would be that I could do one of those 11 dollar an hour receptionist jobs that require a college degree (don't gag, i saw it posted!) but then I wouldn't be free to go with DF to doctor appts/hospital stays plus the times when he is just sick. I have to cook a certain way for his health/stomach issues. Basically, my life took a major turn in a direction that i didn't see coming. You are right, though, I changed my life 100% and not in a good way except for DF so perhaps the attitude that I DO deserve something in return is a good one to have. I am so used to being the one no one thinks about and that everyone uses that it's become second nature to me.
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Post by debtheaven on May 23, 2011 14:49:11 GMT -5
Zib, Beth and Turbo said it better than I managed last night. Good for you for bringing it out in the open and getting it resolved! I am so used to being the one no one thinks about and that everyone uses that it's become second nature to me.
I'm sure that's not true ... and remember, we think about you! I agree that there is nothing wrong with an arrangement that is mutually beneficial to both you and your DF. I often say that time is money and money is time. If DH wants the gift of your time and availability (and it sure sounds like he does), the money has to come from somewhere. PS Thanks but I wasn't sick, it was just really late because of the time difference lol. It's seven hours later here.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 23, 2011 15:16:51 GMT -5
You all are the best. Thanks!!!
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on May 23, 2011 17:36:43 GMT -5
zib- Karma for discussing it with him and like someone else said- you are not a mooch or leech. You are his "caregiver" from what I have understood. He is giving you money towards your expenses. Think of it as part of your "fees" as caregiver. I am caregiver for DGM/DM- sometimes they put gas in my car or take me to dinner or something. Why? They will tell you "because they can". Truth is- because I fill the duties of chauffeur, cook, housekeeper, at times nurse, washerwoman, etc, etc. They can't (as most people can't) afford someone- or several people- to come in and do these things. You are helping him and he is helping you.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 24, 2011 14:25:52 GMT -5
"Services rendered." I LIKE that term. Makes me feel like a high class "call girl!!!!" Glad you like it. It's all in how you think about it. What kind of tummy issues does your DF have? My DH is doing a mostly raw/gluten free diet with lots of supplements to help his tummy issues. We're starting to incorporate parts of it into family meals.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 25, 2011 9:05:50 GMT -5
I'm not sure I understand it all and will be glad to go to the regular doctor and get more info. He can barely eat anything and EVERYTHING gives him the "trots." I want to ask about Ezekial bread or whatever. He can only eat white because all else upsets his stomach and I detest white bread.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 25, 2011 10:12:17 GMT -5
I'm not sure I understand it all and will be glad to go to the regular doctor and get more info. He can barely eat anything and EVERYTHING gives him the "trots." I want to ask about Ezekial bread or whatever. He can only eat white because all else upsets his stomach and I detest white bread. Scott's looking at Ezekial bread too. He hasn't tried it yet though. That doesn't sound like a gluten reaction to me but I don't know much about it. I know there's a healthy board on here somewhere and I'm wondering if that may be helpful for you (and me.)
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dancinmama
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Post by dancinmama on May 25, 2011 10:36:41 GMT -5
I'm not sure I understand it all and will be glad to go to the regular doctor and get more info. He can barely eat anything and EVERYTHING gives him the "trots." I want to ask about Ezekial bread or whatever. He can only eat white because all else upsets his stomach and I detest white bread. Crone's? ?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 25, 2011 11:23:02 GMT -5
That's part of it but there's MORE.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on May 25, 2011 11:27:21 GMT -5
I would guess that it's Crones combined with an gluten issue (either allergy or intolerance, they're different and have different reactions) and possibly a wheat allergy as well. Might also be Irritiable Bowel Syndrome, which is more common in women, but definitely affects men as well. That's not so much food related as your insides just hate you.
Good news is, is that as people become more aware of these issues, your options are growing like nobody's business, and there are all sorts of web sites and support groups that can help you find food solutions.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 25, 2011 11:32:20 GMT -5
Yeah, because I am a good cook and having a very limited menu is not fun.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on May 25, 2011 11:48:56 GMT -5
Zib: All Recipes has an entire gluten free section allrecipes.com/Recipes/healthy-cooking/gluten-free/Main.aspxAlso, there are all sorts of gluten free flour baking mixes available now, and a ton of other options. Since you are a good cook, think of this as a reason to experiment and expand your abilities.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 25, 2011 12:25:50 GMT -5
I need to know if gluten free will even help. I could make things worse for him.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on May 25, 2011 20:28:26 GMT -5
zib- I know it could be a royal PIA, but if you like to cook and if you don't tolerate (or get bored with) DFs limited diet, you might want to either cook meals ahead sometimes for one or both of you or cook separate meals. When I was living at home before my grandfather died 3 years ago of lung cancer, there were nights I was preparing 4 different meals. I started prepping what I could ahead (for instance, making my own meals ahead and cooking large pots of chili, stew, limas and dumplings). I am somewhat of a picky eater, my grandmother is diabetic and supposed to follow a special diet, my mom has food allergies out the wazoo, and my grandfather was losing his ability to eat certain things. Then toss in the fact I was babysitting 2-5 nights a week. It may seem like a lot of work, but if you use a crock pot, or a pressure cooker, you can really make time on some of this. On my days that I was at school, I pu stuf in the slow cooker. If I was at home, I usually cooked in the kitchen. If there were a lot of appts, other housework or homework o do- I did something I had already prepared or used the slowcooker. HTH
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 26, 2011 8:59:24 GMT -5
Doing the crock pot thing today!!!
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