Relationships/money

[Deleted]

How have you changed financially since you've been with your SO? Or things in your spending/savings patterns that have changed?

My wife told me while we were looking for an apartment that she was certain that if it wasn't for her (aka I was still single) I would be living in the hood, have 2-3 roommates or someone basement to save money. My wife knows me so well.

In her case she had to tone down her spending/taste. Basically bring her spending more in line with our income instead of the mindset that mommy will pay for it if she really wants it.

Changes in my habits:
- Live a bit more
- Take a real vacation instead of considering visiting family in other countries/state as vacation
- Accepting that there is more to life than just money (but I still love money ;D)

Changes in her habits:
- Saving more for tomorrow or rainy day
- Difference between want/need (she still confuses the two at times)
- Stop worrying about others lifestyle (aka new cars, vacations, latest designer clothes) and focus more on us and what we can afford.

[midjd]

If I were not with DH, I would probably also be living in someone's basement to save $ ;D I think we've balanced each other out pretty well.

Changes in my habits:
Learned that sometimes it's better to spend a bit more $ at the outset to get a quality item, rather than something cheap that will break;
Learned to treat myself (and DH) occasionally, even if it's something small.

Changes in his habits:
Prioritizing - e.g. if he spends $10 a week on coffee, that will be $10 less he has available to spend on whatever project he's on;
That just because someone has something doesn't mean they can afford it; and my personal favorite,
Turning the lights out when he leaves a room

[giramomma]

I haven't changed my spending/savings patterns..

One thing I looked for in a potential marriage partner was someone who had the same spending/savings patterns as I do.

I know it's fairly unromantic, especially coming from a woman, but frankly, it's stupid to marry just for love. You know, when the bills come in, love doesn't pay for them.

[zibazinski]

Really? When I say that, I'm accused of being a gold digger!!!!

[motherto2]

I'd have to say I've changed drastically since I've been WITHOUT my SO ;D. We spent money on stupid things, we spent money on what should have been awesome memories for our kids (my 2, his 1) but his 1 usually managed to ruin the memories . Of course, that's all for another board! My kids had some great times and were able to do alot of things they wouldn't have had the opportunity if it had just been me paying the bills. But I'm actually much better off financially than I have ever been. Not to say that I do alot, because I surely don't. Most of my going out or socializing is with my folks or one of my best friends that has the same day off that I do. We will meet for breakfast or lunch from time to time or go to a craft show or something. I pretty much stay close to home trying to keep the spending in tight control because when the kids are home I have so many more expenses.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

In our case, I'm the frugal one and dh is the spender.
I've definitely learned to spend a bit more; he's definitely learned to save a bit more.

I'd say these two statements also apply to us:

Learned to treat myself (and DH) occasionally, even if it's something small.

Prioritizing - e.g. if he spends $10 a week on coffee, that will be $10 less he has available to spend on whatever project he's on;

[illinicheme]

Not too much change in day-to-day spending habits. (Although we've now been together for almost 2/3 of my adult life, so do the 5-6 years before I met DH really count? Especially since I was in college/grad school at the time and therefore didn't have any money anyway?)

I do have to compromise somewhat though. DH is definitely more conservative than I am in terms of investments. He also is a bit more of a spender than I am. (But we're both savers compared to many people.)

[mamasita99]

SO: -contributes to retirement now, not just relying on military pension

Me: -cook and eat at home a lot more, saving lots of money!

[Deleted]

DH and I have pretty much similar values when it comes to finances, which is one reason we have a harmonious marriage. I'd say we've both relaxed somewhat on the spending in some minor categories as we've gotten more comfortable with our financial security. While DH will still spend ridiculous amounts of time calculating per-ounce prices to figure out which brand of something is a better bargain, he's also developed a taste for things like Whole Fruit sorbet and other premium (but healthier) groceries. He's on SS, so I'm delighted to be the reason he can treat himself a little better. He's 72 and has worked hard his whole life, so he's earned some small luxuries.

[Firebird]

Oh, good question. I've learned to loosen up a lot. I'm starting to understand that our overall goals can still be met even if we don't perfectly hit the mark every month, because we use windfalls to further our position.

DF is learning to let me take control of our money because I know what I'm doing ;D

We're a good match. Oh, and he is the Suzi Q of grocery shopping in our household - when we actually go shopping. It kills me that we waste so much money eating out because he can easily go to the store, spend $150, and feed us great meals for two weeks.

[Gardening Grandma]

Maybe it's just my perception, but I don't think that DH has changed all that much financially. He's thriftier since retiring, but he never really wasted money before. He's always hated managing money, always saved, and always kept his cc's paid off. I think he's loosened up a bit, but still needs reassuring that we can really afford something before agreeing to a big ticket item or a trip.

I've changed. I've always been more of a spender - but have become tighter. I've always liked crunching numbers managing money. I'm glad he trusts me enough to let me manage the household finances.

[thyme4change]

We've been together long enough that we have changed our attitudes about money three or four times. First, we spent whatever we wanted. Then, we were so broke we couldn't pay attention. Then, we sucked it all up and gave up a lot while we started paying everything off and saving like crazy. Then, we found a balance - still kinda sketchy. Now, we still live on our old budget - even with our new salary - so we are sort of back to where we started, but now we have enough money to do it.

[Deleted]

I definitely care about saving money more (he's the frugal one). I wasn't spending willy nilly, but I didn't realize how much better I could do until we moved in together. I look at grocery shopping and gift giving in a whole new way.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"My wife told me while we were looking for an apartment that she was certain that if it wasn't for her (aka I was still single) I would be living in the hood, have 2-3 roommates or someone basement to save money. My wife knows me so well.":::...

I love how she glosses over the fact that the money you'd have saved from not servicing her debt load, and her materialistic whims would be funding a fat investment portfolio and a healthy savings account. You would probably be a year or two away from putting a 20% down payment on a modest house, and paying cash for a reliable car.

Does what your wife contributes to the household financially offset what she costs the household financially?

...:::"but frankly, it's stupid to marry just for love. You know, when the bills come in, love doesn't pay for them. ":::...

Marrying for more than love does not necessarily have to mean marrying for money. A handyman's salary won't be huge, but he/she sure provides value. A nice guy might make a good SAHD even if he doesn't bring in a fat paycheck.

...:::"Really? When I say that, I'm accused of being a gold digger!!!!":::...

To be fair, even if a woman says from the outset "I only care about your money" and the guy still marries her, then its not totally the woman's fault.

[souldoubt]

My savings patterns haven't changed because of my current relationship. However before when I was single more of my discretionary spending was spent towards going out with friends to bars. We still do that occasionaly but more of the discretionary spending these days is funneled towards date night or going out to a bar/restaurant with friends. Being in a relationship things are a bit more relaxed and low key which is definitely better.

[Firebird]

cawiau, does your wife know that you talk about her on here? I try to only talk about DF in positive terms since this is an open forum (even when we're having a money-related difficulty stemming from something that he did, I try to cushion it).

I would be humiliated if I were your wife and I knew you told strangers the things you tell us about her. Just a random thought (I'm not discounting your frustration, either - I really do empathize and I don't know how I would be able to stand it living with someone who Didn't Get It to that extent).

[souldoubt]

Why be humiliated over an anonymous online message board? Obviously talking to your significant other would be the best place to start if you really had a problem but for getting advice and seeing if what you experience is more common than you thought this isn't a bad place to start.

[Firebird]

There's something to that, and I'm not necessarily saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that I personally would be hurt if I felt like DF needed to complain about me to a group of anonymous strangers.

Of course, if this was an issue he had tried to raise with me as cawiau has tried to discuss this with his wife, that hurt might be the wake-up call I needed to get with the program. She can't really say he hasn't tried to get through to her.

YM is really quick to judge though. And even though I've asked for it in the past and been grateful to get it, the honest feedback can really hurt even when you're the one asking for it and are grateful to get it. I imagine it would sting a whole hell of a lot more if you not only didn't ask for it, you got it as a result of your SO talking about your private life without your permission.

[zibazinski]

I think it's great to have other adults to bounce thoughts off of. We aren't going to call his wife and tell her he is trash talking her, are we? There are times when another point of view might keep someone from a fight or worse. We "get it" that she's a spoiled child and that he does the thinking in the family. It works for them for NOW. Either he'll get tired of it or she will grow up. Hopefully, at the same time.

[Deleted]

I think it's totally healthy to vent on here. After you've already yakked your SO's ear off about XYZ, do you really want to discuss it with them yet another time? It's better than venting to people you two know. At least he knows what he's saying won't get back to her.

[zibazinski]

Exactly. DF's princess is having a hissy about US and ignoring his phone calls but still cashes his checks. I KNOW how I feel about that and how I'd handle it and frankly, I don't want her sour puss ruining my wedding, but here is where I will say that, not to DF. He's hurt enough and embarrassed enough by her behavior. He raised a Princess so what else does he expect? Gratitude? Not happening.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I'm just saying that I personally would be hurt if I felt like DF needed to complain about me to a group of anonymous strangers.":::...

Do any of you remember a thread on the old board where the husband posted about his wife even though he knew his wife was a reader, and she found the thread, (her first post was "I'm pretty sure I am the wife in question here.... in fact I think her screen name WAS "the wife 2009" or something) and it actually allowed them to have a much more open discussion? I BEGGED the wife not to label it "cheating" and get all blown out of proportion about it. She responded to me directly and said that at first she was considering that, but upon reflection she realized it was a valuable exercise and decided not to punish him over the thread.

It actually resulted in them solving their problem because they EACH got the chance to see impartial 3rd party feedback and objective evaluations of the situation.

We have also, on several occasions, suggested posters print out the thread and show it to the spouse. Sometimes seeing impartial people saying "this is CRAZY" or "you are screwing yourselves over" gives the needed impact.

...:::"There are times when another point of view might keep someone from a fight or worse.":::...

Damn straight... Sometimes its not the message, its the messenger. Sometimes it helps with empathy or understanding. There have been a few times where I was seeing things from only a man's point of view, and some of the women were able to clarify what a woman's point of view was, and how what seemed logical and clear to me, had different implications and different interpretations to a woman. It made it much easier for me to explain to DF why she was wrong when I was speaking her language.

[Firebird]

Good points, all. I've had bad experiences with people talking to everyone EXCEPT me about a problem they had with me, so I'm sensitive to anything that looks like that - but as a lot of people said, sometimes you just need a place to vent or figure things out or gather up ammunition if your partner just Doesn't Get It.

[zibazinski]

Sometimes strangers can articulate what the feelings are that the poster is struggling with. Feelings aren't good or bad but confusing at times. Talking it out to impartial and partial strangers helps me a lot. I HATE the idea of a wedding but DF wants one. Other posters helped me see his side of it. We may still end up doing it my way but it won't be because I got MY way, it'll be because DF doesn't want to admit to anyone his Princess is being a poophead!!! So by keeping my mouth shut, I ended up getting my way anyway without being a bitch about it and hurting DF's feelings.

[Deleted]

For good or bad, I haven't changed much at all since being married (almost 13 years now). Lucky for us, our income increased enough to more than handle our spending ways and we didn't increase our spending at the same rate as our income.

[Phoenix84]

In my experience (not with an SO but friends) communicating via text is sometimes the best thing to do. While there are some limitations to the medium (it's hard to communicate emotion for one) it also has strengths. You can have time to compose your thoughts and not worry about getting interrupted. If you're not looking someone in the eye you also may feel more likely to be honest with them and yourself.

[zibazinski]

No, I love DF very much but with his health issues, I'm glad he has money. There's no way I would kill myself like my Grandma did trying to care for my Grandfather. I can hire nurses or whatever to come in and help me out while I rest if it ever comes to that. I hope it never does but it's there always lurking. DF and I have talked about it and he knows my reasons and why. I would surely keep him home until it was no longer safe for him to be there but I won't kill myself for him. He wants me to put him in a nursing home right away if he got ill but that isn't going to happen. I know I can hire help for less than a nursing home costs and even if I couldn't, I want him with me as long as safe for him to be there.

[Deleted]

If we hadn't married:

My wife would be living from payday to payday. Extra money would be spent on friends & family. She would have no savings (or very little) & lots of knit noid items that cost less than $50. (she never spends big money, just spends small amounts often).

I would have a paid off house & money in the bank. There just aren't that many things that I want. Over the 20 plus years we have been married I haven't averaged spending $200 per year on myself & that includes everything (even clothes).

[gsbrq]

My boyfriend & I are both financially better off than when we first got together, and are both more responsible with money (although we weren't all that bad when we started).

Ways we have changed:

-He no longer takes handouts from his folks. Gifts, yes, but he won't let them finance his lifestyle any more; if we can't afford it, he doesn't buy it.
-He has become a much smarter shopper and all-around better informed consumer
-He no longer pays someone to do his taxes (because I do both of ours)

-I save a greater portion of my income than before I met him
-I "fritter away" less money because he is a good example
-I pay for cable...grudgingly, b/c I would gladly do without it, but one makes compromises for loved ones' sake

[lurkyloo]

Heh. The main difference is that our tax bracket is so high since we got married I pay about 50% tax on every additional dollar I earn (I'm still under the SS max-out threshold; 33% + 9.25% + 6.2% + 1.45% + throw a little extra AMT in there). So I'm definitely more careful with money and spend more time and energy maximizing bang for the buck.

I've always lived within my means, though, as has he. The (non-facetious) main difference is that now we're a team now, and I hold myself accountable and look at how spending decisions affect both of us. Keeps me a little bit more honest where I might be tempted to cheat (on the budget!) if it were just me.