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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2019 18:52:55 GMT -5
The reason I set up the appointment is that I want a financial power of attorney for DH. Right now his cognitive issues are relatively mild. He had an appointment with a neurologist in June that confirmed this. I don't want to wait until it is too late. I can't take advantage of him because all of his money is already joint. But I need to be able to shut down his CCs, etc. if it comes to that. He is currently fine in that dept.
I probably want a will although all of our assets except for the house have named beneficiaries (him). There are two ways of doing the house--we can change the deed or I can write a will. Will might be the best way, but I am not a lawyer so I don't know. I have so few assets outside of the named beneficiaries that it isn't really a big deal to me. It might be easier on my kids if I do a will, assuming you can name secondary beneficiaries in case the primary beneficiary dies first.
It is an odd distribution of assets since pretty much all of them are mine (mostly retirement accounts). He has $21k in a savings accounts (I am joint). If I die first, he will have to go to assisted living or maybe a step up. He wasn't happy when I mentioned this, but he no longer drives, etc.
Anything else I should talk to them about? I know a trust for him is a possibility, but he can't stay here if I go first. My sister will take him to Phoenix, which is where he moved here from. However, he "loaned" some of his friends a lot of money over the years. I don't trust them. Lol on the pun! I don't actually know them. They are good friends to him, but he has certainly given them money (particularly his goddaughter) over the years.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Aug 26, 2019 19:42:47 GMT -5
Do you have someone in mind if, God forbid, you were to pass on first, to take on the responsibility of seeing to DH's needs (paying his bills, etc.)? (Not being nosy, just different states seem to do these things differently.)
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Aug 26, 2019 19:54:29 GMT -5
Does he have any kid's? Or other family members?
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Aug 26, 2019 21:19:50 GMT -5
When I met with the elder law attorney to set up my trust, I had my list of questions and basically just explained what I wanted to accomplish, and she explained the options for accomplishing my goals and the different ramifications of the various choices (including tax consequences and other things I hadn't considered), so I was able to organize everything the way I wanted it.
Tell your elder law attorney what you want to accomplish and what concerns you have and ask what your options are. The response will probably help you formulate more questions, and eventually you will have all your ducks lined up the way you want them.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Aug 27, 2019 8:22:39 GMT -5
Maybe I missed this answer, but do you have his healthcare power of attny? And is he listed as your? If so, you might want to change that. When I've met with professionals like this, I always end with 'Is there anything I didn't ask that I should have?' because I don't know what I don't know and that's why I'm relying on their professional expertise.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Aug 27, 2019 9:12:11 GMT -5
My Parent's met with an eldercare attorney 5-10 years before my Dad passed. They had my Mom account for all her assets, and who's name they were in. They then made a plan for what would happen if Dad needed to go into a nursing home - so that my Mom would not be left with virtually nothing.
I think my Mom already had the Healthcare power of attorney written, but they did review it.
I do know that Mom went back and got some direction from then when Dad went to hospice/almost went in nursing home b/c it is very important that you do everything right to get Medicare/Medicaid to pay.
I think this is a good idea, it is in fact something I am considering doing for DH and I and we won't retire for 10 years or so.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Aug 27, 2019 9:16:02 GMT -5
I'm sure that you will learn lots. Take notes if you can. It also might not hurt to ask for reading suggestions. There's a lot to take in.
My hat is off to you for doing what you know must be done. Most folks just hope.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Aug 27, 2019 10:01:21 GMT -5
Yes, we have wills and all. But that's what I'm worried about being left with nothing. Hubs could be like his mom have dementia for the rest of his life and end up like her. If she loses her health insurance and then VA, its us pay or take care of her, I cannot and will not, her only alternative then is a nursing home or other facility and if that happens there will be a long line. I can't take care of anymore, doing all I can now. It could take everything we have to take care of him or me. I don't want a trust, not trying to beat anyone out of money, but the survivor needs something to live on. I'm going to talk to our attorney and for now get the deed transferred to both of us on our main house. Then I will make an appointment to see what we need to do. We have powers of attorney for both of us, a special needs trust that will be triggered on our death. But will there be anything left for the rest of us to live on?
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Aug 27, 2019 10:14:34 GMT -5
Yep, just jogged me to make an appointment with our attorney, first will have the deed on our house ready by Sept 13th and then I am talking with them about trusts or what we can do to protect money for us. Our wills are fine though we are going to alter them later to leave DD $100k only in a special needs trust or as she ages reduce the amount, and the other to be for son and grandson. But as of now it is ok. I'm kind of waiting to see what is happening with DD before we proceed to far with that.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Aug 27, 2019 11:36:29 GMT -5
I'm sure that you will learn lots. Take notes if you can. It also might not hurt to ask for reading suggestions. There's a lot to take in. My hat is off to you for doing what you know must be done. Most folks just hope.
You could also bring a friend to be a second set of ears. I've done that for others with medical appts before since I've sat thru lots of doctor's visits myself and have learned to take lots of notes.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 27, 2019 15:31:27 GMT -5
Don't know if you will be getting to financial stuff but might want to consult CPA as to tax consequences of any transactions. Sometimes attorneys don't consider tax. JMHO
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2019 17:28:39 GMT -5
I did learn a lot. The guy came up with an estate plan that ironically has me making my kids the beneficiaries of almost everything instead of DH. The idea is to leave just a few assets for a special needs trust to supplement DH's stay in a nursing home using Medicaid. The remainder of that reverts to my kids as well.
And I was totally wrong about the house. The lawyer suggested he sign a waiver of the rights he acquired in marrying me. His name is not on the mortgage or the deed. Then leave it to my kids. That actually is best now that I think about it. It would be one more thing for him (or his representative) to have to deal with. He's agreeable. He isn't up to selling so somebody else would have to do the cleaning out, prepping, etc., anyway.
There is no attempt to save my assets from providing care either for me or DH as long as I am alive. It is only after I die that the lawyer is trying to protect my estate from the inevitable nursing home care for DH. The lawyer does think that DH would qualify for nursing home care through the VA and advised me how to pursue that option.
I signed on the dotted line. The whole thing is costing me $900. It isn't cheap, but it made me look at issues in a different light.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2019 18:03:46 GMT -5
Does he have any kid's? Or other family members? DH has a son who is probably close to the age of my children who are 40 and 42. He has not seen his son probably 25+ years. So that's not an option. He has a few nieces, but this is not their problem. He is 76 and the "baby" of the family. His siblings and parents died decades ago. My sister has agreed to be the back-up on the financial power of attorney.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Aug 27, 2019 19:49:55 GMT -5
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 28, 2019 8:43:07 GMT -5
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. My mom is 70 but has some very serious health issues, on top of mild dementia. She is on 12 medicines a day, 3 of which require accurate blood pressure and heart rate readings as there are parameters to be met to determine if the med is taken. She is also insulin dependent and has to test her sugar 4 times a day and then calculate the insulin units. There is zero chance that she could do any of this on her own. Her husband has questionable intelligence (I'm being nice!) so he spends all day on the phone with her sister trying to figure out what to give, what not to give. They bring in a decent income for our area but are so far in debt that they don't really have extra. And of course they never got LTC insurance so there is no coverage for a nursing home. It is my mom so I feel bad but the other part of me is extremely angry that they never planned for a fucking thing. I have my own child to plan long term care for not to mention my investing for retirement.
a lot of my mom's issues are caused by her alcoholism (which also pisses me off!) but a part of me still worries about dementia. No one else in our family has it and her doctors believe it is alcohol related, but who knows. All I know is that I need to do some serious planning to make sure my assets do not get consumed for her care. PA has filial laws, which also piss me off. I chose to have children so I have a responsibility to plan to take care of my youngest for life. I did not choose to have an idiot for a mother so I find it completely unacceptable that I could be on the hook for her care.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Aug 28, 2019 9:21:26 GMT -5
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. My mom is 70 but has some very serious health issues, on top of mild dementia. She is on 12 medicines a day, 3 of which require accurate blood pressure and heart rate readings as there are parameters to be met to determine if the med is taken. She is also insulin dependent and has to test her sugar 4 times a day and then calculate the insulin units. There is zero chance that she could do any of this on her own. Her husband has questionable intelligence (I'm being nice!) so he spends all day on the phone with her sister trying to figure out what to give, what not to give. They bring in a decent income for our area but are so far in debt that they don't really have extra. And of course they never got LTC insurance so there is no coverage for a nursing home. It is my mom so I feel bad but the other part of me is extremely angry that they never planned for a fucking thing. I have my own child to plan long term care for not to mention my investing for retirement. a lot of my mom's issues are caused by her alcoholism (which also pisses me off!) but a part of me still worries about dementia. No one else in our family has it and her doctors believe it is alcohol related, but who knows. All I know is that I need to do some serious planning to make sure my assets do not get consumed for her care. PA has filial laws, which also piss me off. I chose to have children so I have a responsibility to plan to take care of my youngest for life. I did not choose to have an idiot for a mother so I find it completely unacceptable that I could be on the hook for her care. MT I thought you lived in Florida? How do the Filial laws work? Can you avoid them if you move to another state?
DH and I don't have LTC insurance either. We did not buy it when we were younger, and now I have had Thyroid Cancer and DH is Diabetic. I have not priced LTC insurance, just figure I need to put any money I would throw at LTC insurance in my 401K plan. We do have plenty of life insurance, so if DH goes before me, I will have plenty of $$.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 28, 2019 11:23:06 GMT -5
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. My mom is 70 but has some very serious health issues, on top of mild dementia. She is on 12 medicines a day, 3 of which require accurate blood pressure and heart rate readings as there are parameters to be met to determine if the med is taken. She is also insulin dependent and has to test her sugar 4 times a day and then calculate the insulin units. There is zero chance that she could do any of this on her own. Her husband has questionable intelligence (I'm being nice!) so he spends all day on the phone with her sister trying to figure out what to give, what not to give. They bring in a decent income for our area but are so far in debt that they don't really have extra. And of course they never got LTC insurance so there is no coverage for a nursing home. It is my mom so I feel bad but the other part of me is extremely angry that they never planned for a fucking thing. I have my own child to plan long term care for not to mention my investing for retirement. a lot of my mom's issues are caused by her alcoholism (which also pisses me off!) but a part of me still worries about dementia. No one else in our family has it and her doctors believe it is alcohol related, but who knows. All I know is that I need to do some serious planning to make sure my assets do not get consumed for her care. PA has filial laws, which also piss me off. I chose to have children so I have a responsibility to plan to take care of my youngest for life. I did not choose to have an idiot for a mother so I find it completely unacceptable that I could be on the hook for her care. MT I thought you lived in Florida? How do the Filial laws work? Can you avoid them if you move to another state?
DH and I don't have LTC insurance either. We did not buy it when we were younger, and now I have had Thyroid Cancer and DH is Diabetic. I have not priced LTC insurance, just figure I need to put any money I would throw at LTC insurance in my 401K plan. We do have plenty of life insurance, so if DH goes before me, I will have plenty of $$.
Unfortunately, I live in PA and they are one state that aggressively enforces this law. Or at least that is what I have gathered by my reading lately. I haven't actually contacted an attorney, yet. I will be soon. I need to structure my assets so they can't take them to pay for her care. I have been playing catch-up since my divorce and am finally comfortable with where I am at (not where I need to be when I retire but I'm on a good track). I also need to save my assets for my daughter, who will never be able to take care of herself. I'm just so angry. I hate irresponsible people and more so when their irresponsibility falls to me. I have to worry about taking care of myself when I retire and then leaving a nest egg for my daughter, who doesn't have the option to take care of herself. Truthfully, if it ever comes down to it I will sell everything and piss it the fuck away. I have not scrimped and saved and invested my entire life just to be stuck with the bills of someone who only lived life in the moment. I will be taking some awesome fucking vacations!
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Aug 28, 2019 18:59:46 GMT -5
MT I thought you lived in Florida? How do the Filial laws work? Can you avoid them if you move to another state?
DH and I don't have LTC insurance either. We did not buy it when we were younger, and now I have had Thyroid Cancer and DH is Diabetic. I have not priced LTC insurance, just figure I need to put any money I would throw at LTC insurance in my 401K plan. We do have plenty of life insurance, so if DH goes before me, I will have plenty of $$.
Unfortunately, I live in PA and they are one state that aggressively enforces this law. Or at least that is what I have gathered by my reading lately. I haven't actually contacted an attorney, yet. I will be soon. I need to structure my assets so they can't take them to pay for her care. I have been playing catch-up since my divorce and am finally comfortable with where I am at (not where I need to be when I retire but I'm on a good track). I also need to save my assets for my daughter, who will never be able to take care of herself. I'm just so angry. I hate irresponsible people and more so when their irresponsibility falls to me. I have to worry about taking care of myself when I retire and then leaving a nest egg for my daughter, who doesn't have the option to take care of herself. Truthfully, if it ever comes down to it I will sell everything and piss it the fuck away. I have not scrimped and saved and invested my entire life just to be stuck with the bills of someone who only lived life in the moment. I will be taking some awesome fucking vacations! Miss T, I wonder if locking up some of your assets in an irrevocable trust might be a way to ensure that assets will pass to your kids. Or, as my parents did, buy a life insurance policy that names the irrevocable trust as the beneficiary and make the premium payments on the life insurance.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Aug 28, 2019 19:10:33 GMT -5
Be careful and opt for a special needs trust or the state will just run though money left to these kids till its gone. I want the extra money for DD's hair, dental care, computer, clothes, and just things she wants.
Indiana has filial laws too but so far not very strictly enforced but that could change. People now are hardly able to take care of themselves and trying to force them to care for more.
We priced long term care eons ago and couldn't afford it then so I know we can't now. A lot of people find as they age the companies end up going under or the premiums become so expensive they can't afford it, not sure that is a viable option.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Aug 28, 2019 19:12:09 GMT -5
I just want to make sure if one of us requires long term care the other doesn't have to live in abject poverty is all, not trying to beat anybody out of anything.
When trump can give billionaires trillions in cuts, I don't feel bad trying to hang onto my thousands.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 28, 2019 20:28:34 GMT -5
Unfortunately, I live in PA and they are one state that aggressively enforces this law. Or at least that is what I have gathered by my reading lately. I haven't actually contacted an attorney, yet. I will be soon. I need to structure my assets so they can't take them to pay for her care. I have been playing catch-up since my divorce and am finally comfortable with where I am at (not where I need to be when I retire but I'm on a good track). I also need to save my assets for my daughter, who will never be able to take care of herself. I'm just so angry. I hate irresponsible people and more so when their irresponsibility falls to me. I have to worry about taking care of myself when I retire and then leaving a nest egg for my daughter, who doesn't have the option to take care of herself. Truthfully, if it ever comes down to it I will sell everything and piss it the fuck away. I have not scrimped and saved and invested my entire life just to be stuck with the bills of someone who only lived life in the moment. I will be taking some awesome fucking vacations! Miss T, I wonder if locking up some of your assets in an irrevocable trust might be a way to ensure that assets will pass to your kids. Or, as my parents did, buy a life insurance policy that names the irrevocable trust as the beneficiary and make the premium payments on the life insurance. I was thinking the same thing but I also need a special needs trust for my daughter. I’m not sure if they can go hand in hand
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Aug 28, 2019 22:41:41 GMT -5
Miss T, I wonder if locking up some of your assets in an irrevocable trust might be a way to ensure that assets will pass to your kids. Or, as my parents did, buy a life insurance policy that names the irrevocable trust as the beneficiary and make the premium payments on the life insurance. I was thinking the same thing but I also need a special needs trust for my daughter. I’m not sure if they can go hand in hand Probably. An irrevocable trust that funds a special needs trust upon your death?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 29, 2019 5:49:19 GMT -5
I was thinking the same thing but I also need a special needs trust for my daughter. I’m not sure if they can go hand in hand Probably. An irrevocable trust that funds a special needs trust upon your death? Definitely going to look into it. Thanks!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2019 23:22:03 GMT -5
I got the draft of the will. I asked my son-in-law to look over it because he is a lawyer. I put my son down as executor. He is a CPA.
Unless I get hit by the proverbial bus, I will outlive DH. He has dry heaves almost every time he tries to eat.
Anyone else keep a barf bucket by the table?
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Aug 29, 2019 23:39:56 GMT -5
In our will when we are both deceased our will provides that half of everything will go into a special needs trust for DD. I think that will be changed, that is just a gift to the state. We are thinking of $100k will provide what she needs, so going to change that. A lot of things now have son as contingent beneficiary, so taken care of on those items. And he is a member of the LLC, not active now, but that stuff should go to him, so its narrowing down.
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Aug 30, 2019 7:47:17 GMT -5
I got the draft of the will. I asked my son-in-law to look over it because he is a lawyer. I put my son down as executor. He is a CPA. Unless I get hit by the proverbial bus, I will outlive DH. He has dry heaves almost every time he tries to eat. Anyone else keep a barf bucket by the table? No, but just wanted to say I respect all you are going through, it can’t be easy. Keep taking each day one at a time, it sounds like your husband found the perfect woman 🙂
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2019 9:33:02 GMT -5
Unless I get hit by the proverbial bus, I will outlive DH. He has dry heaves almost every time he tries to eat. Anyone else keep a barf bucket by the table? I'm so sorry you are going through this. DH was down to 117 lbs. (even though he was over 6 feet tall) when he died. He never had the dry heaves but almost nothing sounded good to him. He liked DQ banana milkshakes and a few other things that were relatively mild but but wasn't really enough to keep him healthy. Difficult times.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 30, 2019 9:45:25 GMT -5
You've probably gone by now, but here's what I found helpful (which goes completely against my nature of wanting to research, research, research and ask very specific questions). The first time we talked, I went in and had all kinds of preconceived notions like "what about this legal instrument, what about that kind of trust". I got some good information, but it probably wasn't optimal. The next time we went in I tried something else, I just said "here are the very generic goals, what options exist and what are the pros/cons of each". In the end, it didn't matter so much, because the right answer for us was basically the answer I had initially gone in thinking about...but I felt a LOT more comfortable that I'd explored all the available options (the first time I left a bit thinking "well, this seems good, but is there something better I just don't know about that could accomplish this").
And I know you think you'll outlive your DH, you probably will...but there are proverbial buses EVERYWHERE.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 17:06:15 GMT -5
The lawyer's website says they come to shut-ins, so I am going to have to ask him to come to the house. My husband is not only having trouble with steps, but now he has issues with diarrhea. He said he cannot leave the house. That is an exaggeration, but I don't think going to see the lawyer will make his list of must-do's. So if he is supposed to sign something, they will have to come here. "They" is because a notary and two witnesses are also involved. I probably can't provide the witnesses myself.
We will see.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 19:00:12 GMT -5
There are notaries that come to the house- we used one when DH was in his last months and he had to sign off on my election of a pension with no Survivor benefit. He was too weak to travel and immune-compromised as well.
The issue with witnesses may be a little trickier. I'm sure they want to make sure your DH was lucid enough to understand what he was signing. The lawyer may want to provide them because they've done this before and know what to look for.
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