bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 1, 2019 10:30:08 GMT -5
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jul 1, 2019 10:48:58 GMT -5
Projecting my own challenges with daughters-in-law: Don't do anything except be as kind as possible. That's not to say that you should be a contortionist or a punching bag.
I had one DIL (pre-marriage) decide we hated her. DS1 never attempted to cut us off, but it was a long few years. It's okay now. It was mostly her just trying to find her way to adulthood and maturity and realizing that we were not the threatening people she decided we were based on her mother's life choices. However, DS actively advocated for us with her.
DS2's fiance (for whom we actually paid for 2/3 of the engagement ring) in April 2018) has avoided us since Christmas. She managed to acknowledge our existence a few days after Christmas, but she wouldn't join us for our family party. DS did come to the party. She also started our first conversation with her as "family is super important to me" and then all actions past that have indicated that our family is not important to her. Except when she decided that DS1's son needed a $500 Christmas present. We all passively told her that was inappropriate. That may have made her squeamish, but it was an inappropriate gift.
Personalities are tricky. We thought we were incredibly nice to the fiancee for the first six months. Then suddenly she started avoiding us at almost all costs. We don't understand. DS doesn't want to go into
Anyhoo, I'd stop buying stuff for this house that it seems your son doesn't even live in. Just keep inviting her to stuff.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jul 1, 2019 10:55:03 GMT -5
I think DS’s GF is a very “interesting”. For your DS’s sake, I hope they break up because she sounds like trouble if kids enter the picture. Your DS losing 10 pounds in a week is very troubling.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 1, 2019 11:18:42 GMT -5
What do you think would happen if you invited them over for dinner and halfway through you said...hey, I want to talk to you about how you think I don't like you, and then reassure her that you really like her and blah, blab, kiss up whatever?
Would she be reassured, or embarrassed or pissed off, or feel busted, defensive? Laying it out on the table in front of her and your son would change the conversation at their house. I'm not sure it would be better or worse in the long run.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 1, 2019 11:21:01 GMT -5
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 1, 2019 11:28:50 GMT -5
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laterbloomer
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Post by laterbloomer on Jul 1, 2019 11:46:16 GMT -5
Fro what you;re saying I don't like her.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jul 1, 2019 11:50:44 GMT -5
I'm going to be honest - you don't sound like you like your DS's GF. You sound like you try to be supportive. You spend money. You spend time. But you don't sound like you actually *like* her.
You also don't *say* anywhere above that you like her. You give a lot of reasons that you're busy and don't host Sunday dinners, though. Did Sunday dinners come up at some point, or is that projecting? Just curious.
My guess is that no matter how many towels you buy her or funerals you attend, she can tell you don't like her.
As someone from perhaps the GF's perspective, I spent years thinking I was insane. Because I would say "Your family doesn't like me." and DH would reassure me that no, no, they love me, they think I'm great! And I would sit there and think, well then I must be misinterpreting things or overreacting and am just being a crazy person. And I would feel crazy.
Hint: I was right. They don't like me. And 11 years in, I'm actually fine with that because it turns out I don't actually like them either.
You can be supportive of someone, and give them time and attention and money and still not like them.
I think your path forward here depends on whether, truly, deep down, you like this woman. Because it sounds like your DS really needs you to like the woman he's dating.
If you really do like her, ask your DS for how her family shows her they care about her. Do they call and chat? Do Sunday dinners? Take kids on vacations? Which of these things make her feel loved? How can you start showing her that you like her?
If you don't actually like her, you need to have a totally different conversation. You get to pick which one: -Either you level with your son that you don't like her, and give the points why you think she's perhaps a bad choice - you get (1) max of these in his adult lifetime, so choose carefully. - OR you get to spin some bullshit about how welcoming people into families takes a while sometimes and you love people who love your son and look forward to getting to know her more and sometimes families have growing pains.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 1, 2019 11:53:15 GMT -5
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jul 1, 2019 12:25:43 GMT -5
No matter what anyone here says: I am keeping my DDIL and STB-DDIL → they are the nicest people you could ever meet and I them. They are mine, all mine
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 1, 2019 12:27:58 GMT -5
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 1, 2019 12:44:16 GMT -5
I'm going to be honest - you don't sound like you like your DS's GF. You sound like you try to be supportive. You spend money. You spend time. But you don't sound like you actually *like* her. You also don't *say* anywhere above that you like her. You give a lot of reasons that you're busy and don't host Sunday dinners, though. Did Sunday dinners come up at some point, or is that projecting? Just curious. My guess is that no matter how many towels you buy her or funerals you attend, she can tell you don't like her. As someone from perhaps the GF's perspective, I spent years thinking I was insane. Because I would say "Your family doesn't like me." and DH would reassure me that no, no, they love me, they think I'm great! And I would sit there and think, well then I must be misinterpreting things or overreacting and am just being a crazy person. And I would feel crazy. Hint: I was right. They don't like me. And 11 years in, I'm actually fine with that because it turns out I don't actually like them either. You can be supportive of someone, and give them time and attention and money and still not like them. I think your path forward here depends on whether, truly, deep down, you like this woman. Because it sounds like your DS really needs you to like the woman he's dating. If you really do like her, ask your DS for how her family shows her they care about her. Do they call and chat? Do Sunday dinners? Take kids on vacations? Which of these things make her feel loved? How can you start showing her that you like her? If you don't actually like her, you need to have a totally different conversation. You get to pick which one: -Either you level with your son that you don't like her, and give the points why you think she's perhaps a bad choice - you get (1) max of these in his adult lifetime, so choose carefully. - OR you get to spin some bullshit about how welcoming people into families takes a while sometimes and you love people who love your son and look forward to getting to know her more and sometimes families have growing pains. are you f'in kidding me? I talk to her more than I talk to my D(Sis) or DB. I talk to my Mom a lot, I admit, but I mostly call her from work, and I would not assume that DS's girlfriend can chat with me while we are working. I call my sister rarely, but I call her at work as often as I call her at home. DSis has had the same job for 35 years or so, so if I call there and the owner answers, I just tell her it is me, and figure if it is a bad time, she can say so. I don't really call anyone during the week. DD and I text a lot, chat somewhat, but DS and I really not a lot, b/c I figure when he is not working, he is working out. I usually text him whatever I want to discuss with him, then occasionally call after I ensure he is not exercising at the time. I would love to go family vacations, but DD said DS does not like to travel anyways so I should not worry about making everything equal. I honestly have not had enough interaction with her to dislike her, other than all of a sudden she claims we don't like her and decided not to go to a wedding. DS when DS was just out of school he said 0, 1 or 2 kids, then more recently said he did not want to have kids. I told DD at one point that I wondered what this girl thought about that, and DD said she had posted on FB that she did not want to have kids. I don't hold her responsible for DS not wanting kids b/c DS has said that for a long time. My Brother did express surprise at that at a recent event, I heard it but I was not in the room, and I never addressed it with anyone. I did laugh about it with DD b/c my SIL is all about Grandchildren and even I think they are over the top nuts.
She was not working close enough to me for us to do lunches. I also work out on my lunch. I am not kidding, I get home at 7:30 most nights. DH often gets home at 8 pm. At that point, we have to put some food on the table and often walk the dogs. I don't see this changing for 10 years. DH has issues right not b/c he is understaffed, so even though DD and DH and I can fly for free, DD and I have done two trips w/o him, and I don't think he will be able to get away this summer. She has not invited us to see the house. DS asked DH about grounding the outlets, DH said he told DS he would help him Sunday AM. but DS never followed up and asked him to do it. We can't exactly invite ourselves over there.
They were on vacation for Fathers day, I asked DS to go out to eat when he got back. I even offered to have her parents join us b/c they are visiting us. I get that they are busy working on the house, but crickets. Then the Your parents don't like me.
I am more of an introvert. I make an effort to talk to people when we are at an event, but when I am at home, I prefer to read a book. I was complaining last night b/c DH was watching Walking Dead last night, and I hate that show. I hate even hearing it as background noise. So he said OK, it is over what do you want to watch, and I said, I don't care, I want to read anyways.
Oh, and by the way, DD says her boyfriend says we get together too much. We just have a thing where we go out to eat for everyone's birthdays. Since we only have a small family, we go out. We had to pick DD and her boyfriend up from O'Hare though on my birthday though b/c they had a cancelled flight...so we never celebrated my birthday "officially". We also usually host parties for MIL and FIL's birthdays, and we went out this year for my Mom's 80th birthday.
I RSVP'd to DN's kid party b/c I saw that DS and GF were going to attend and I wanted to see them/spend time with them. I would not have RSVP otherwise b/c we always have a conflict with it. At the time, I was not aware that she had such a huge issue with us. I actually am pretty much offended with the your family doesn't like me line, so while I did not have to work at being friendly before, I will have to make an effort now. You ask what have I done, but what about her, does she have an equal responsibility? If she wants something different, she could ask. I would not say no.
you still didnt' say you like her. But it's OK not everyone is going to like everyone.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 1, 2019 12:46:43 GMT -5
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jul 1, 2019 12:54:56 GMT -5
- OR you get to spin some bullshit about how welcoming people into families takes a while sometimes and you love people who love your son and look forward to getting to know her more and sometimes families have growing pains. Is that really BS? I 100% do not have an opinion of my close friends' and families' partners outside of how happy they are together. It's their relationship, they know their partner better than I ever will and they set the dynamic. I feel the same about in-laws. Whether or not I like them is about how they treat my partner. If they are openly hostile to me, I'm going to be questioning how DH and I are getting on, or if I'm being scape-goated, but towards them I will remain neutral and let them sort it. I'm generally too beta to get involved in the family pecking order. Seems things tend to flair up more when alphas get added to the mix. I'd just send out a good will gesture and let GF decide to come around or not on her own.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 1, 2019 13:12:35 GMT -5
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 1, 2019 13:25:47 GMT -5
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jul 1, 2019 15:10:46 GMT -5
-Either you level with your son that you don't like her, and give the points why you think she's perhaps a bad choice - you get (1) max of these in his adult lifetime, so choose carefully. I don't dislike her, so I don't need to do that. I think this is a power play though, and that pisses me off. - OR you get to spin some bullshit about how welcoming people into families takes a while sometimes and you love people who love your son and look forward to getting to know her more and sometimes families have growing pains. Pretty sure both my kids would be Mad if I said anything like that. It sounds weird and insincere to me. Ok. Based on literally everything you've written here, I still don't think you like this woman. You are bringing up negative things unsolicited - her buying a house then changing jobs and maybe not having a job for a bit, her taking a vacation instead of working on her new house (which made your DS miss work and your DH stress out.) You're accusing her of making a "power play" and your DH thinks she is "controlling." You're offering all the things you do - the time and money you spend, the text chains, etc., as proof that you like her, and explaining to us, unsolicited, why you can't spend more time with her. It took several posts before would even say you "like her just fine." Based on what you've written here, you really don't seem to like her. And that's ok - not everyone has to like everyone!
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 1, 2019 16:02:14 GMT -5
I know my sister does not like her DIL. She has never said those words to her or her son but they can feel it. It's the reason they have no relationship at present.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 1, 2019 16:12:08 GMT -5
My feelings are hurt. Not just by her now, but some of you.
Oh, that's ok. I'm just the Mom. Mom's are not entitled to have feelings.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jul 1, 2019 16:45:33 GMT -5
My feelings are hurt. Not just by her now, but some of you.
Oh, that's ok. I'm just the Mom. Mom's are not entitled to have feelings. Back when I was in college I said something completely innocuous that horribly offended my then boyfriend's sister and her husband. We nearly broke up over it. I had no idea what I'd done and everyone expected me to apologize. It was awful. I mentioned it to a friend and she gave me some nice perspective. Even if I didn't mean to offend them, that was the result and it really wouldn't hurt to let them know I was sorry. So I did, and things were fine after that. At least with regards to that misunderstanding. If you enjoy the relationship you thought you had and want to preserve it, just reach out to her. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, and it doesn't mean she has, it just means you recognize she is upset and don't want to be the cause of it.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 1, 2019 16:57:55 GMT -5
My feelings are hurt. Not just by her now, but some of you.
Oh, that's ok. I'm just the Mom. Mom's are not entitled to have feelings. Back when I was in college I said something completely innocuous that horribly offended my then boyfriend's sister and her husband. We nearly broke up over it. I had no idea what I'd done and everyone expected me to apologize. It was awful. I mentioned it to a friend and she gave me some nice perspective. Even if I didn't mean to offend them, that was the result and it really wouldn't hurt to let them know I was sorry. So I did, and things were fine after that. At least with regards to that misunderstanding. If you enjoy the relationship you thought you had and want to preserve it, just reach out to her. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, and it doesn't mean she has, it just means you recognize she is upset and don't want to be the cause of it. Thanks CTCK. I guess I expected people to tell me how they connect with in-laws. I can count on one hand the number of times DH and I have been out with people other than family. Even if I include lunches out with people w/o DH, but exclude group lunches, it would probably still be limited to one hand. Just not me or us.
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oped
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Post by oped on Jul 1, 2019 17:23:32 GMT -5
So i wanted to hate that stupid Love Languages book that came out a few years ago, but there is some merit to it. I'm acts of service. Its how I show and receive love. So I can see how you doing things for them is you showing love. BUT not everyone speaks that exact dialect. I liked the idea someone had of asking how her family lets her know she is loved? Also come right out and talk about it. Hey, this is a little rough going at the moment, but we all love son so we need to figure something out, and then be honest about your own struggles and as kind to them as possible.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jul 1, 2019 21:29:54 GMT -5
Bean - I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to upset you. I was just trying to say, more or less, that it's ok not to like someone. And specifically, I am able to have a pleasant, semi-normal relationship with my in-laws not DESPITE the fact that I don't like them, but BECAUSE I've accepted I don't like them. There's a reason in-law problems are a cliche.
I'm sorry all of this is making you so upset. I hope it all resolves soon.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2019 21:37:17 GMT -5
My brothers wife’s family don’t like me because apparently at their wedding walk through I left a small empty bottle of jack honey on the poor box.
I could GAF.
Don’t have a dry wedding in New Orleans.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Jul 1, 2019 21:49:59 GMT -5
I knew the inlaws didn't like me. Of course now with dementia MIL doesn't understand why I'm not there more. I do all I need to do behind the scenes to make her life smooth and hubs. Pay bills, buy clothes, see that medical is taken care of but I interact little as possible. Oh once a month or so I visit. To many years of hurt to erase, I doubt she remembers any of it. Hubs says she says I don't like her, whatever. DIL and I are doing ok. I think she may have gotten chewed out by her sister and friends. She has said several times her friends said they can't believe all that hubs and I do for her. When he takes little guy up he is going to paint her deck for her and likely mow the lawn again. I'm not sure I'm going, want to feel good and that wears me out, hubs will not stay anywhere overnight. So a 12 hour trip like to kills me. We are doing ok, but I'm careful, makes me sad because before I felt comfortable. Still its good. Believe me its hard maintaining a relationship, folks family dynamics and lives are just so different. Good luck.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 1, 2019 22:08:15 GMT -5
I just got it over with an had my mother not like me. That way, I was prepared to have nothing in common with my MIL. It all works out.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 2, 2019 0:46:39 GMT -5
My brothers wife’s family don’t like me because apparently at their wedding walk through I left a small empty bottle of jack honey on the poor box. I could GAF. Don’t have a dry wedding in New Orleans. Lol, my Mom was PO’d at my wedding b/c the Best Man and another groomsman got in line for food before her & my dad. She thought it was rude. They are anything but disrespectful. At my niece’s wedding this past weekend, we were at a table with my BIL, SIL, Nephew, and his GF (Bride’s family), I told DH to make sure we were in line after all of them! It probably would have looked better if you left a full bottle of Jack for the poor!
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 2, 2019 2:01:57 GMT -5
Op-ed, I ordered love languages from library, but it did not seem exactly right for in-law relationship, so I put a few more books on my kindle. Mother-in-law’s Manual & Reluctantly related revisited. There were also a few with religious angle, but I can do w/o that & DS is pretty anti-religion.
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oped
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Post by oped on Jul 2, 2019 4:12:54 GMT -5
I read love languages very broadly. I have used the information even in friendships. Understanding that other people do not view affection and caring the same way has helped me in several cases to not be offended or to tailor my response to better suit the person I’m dealing with.
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Jul 2, 2019 6:20:38 GMT -5
I have watched my sweet mother bend over backwards for my difficult sister in law for 20 years, and nothing she does improves that relationship. Some people are just difficult to connect with. We all just 'kill her with kindness' for the sake of my brother and the cousins.
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