weird work conversations

[swamp]

I just got a phone call. 

"Hi, I'm Y.  You're doing a closing for X this week.   Can you put the proceeds from X's house sale in my name?"

Um, yeah, I'll get right on that. 

[andi9899]

I had a lady ask if her dog could be the primary beneficiary on her life insurance. Um, no.

[andi9899]

A couple of weeks ago at the PT job, an older man came in looking for a sleeve for his knee. One of the guys in that department measured his leg and found the sleeve size to correspond with the size of his leg. He then dropped his pants in the middle of the store to try the sleeve on. Seriously?

[debthaven]

Not my job, but we went to a professional theater prop/make-up place in NY recently because DH needed a fake moustache.

The cashier was making a phone call. She told someone very excitedly, "You're in luck! I found 2 pints of blood for you!" LOL

[jd2005]

"But we've always done it that way!"  LOL

[swamp]

Landlord:  Hi, you're doing an eviction for me.  I think the tenants is going to pull the trump card in court and tell the judge they don't have anywhere to live and will be homeless if they get evicted.   

Me:   I'm sorry, but i don't understand what you're talking about. 

LL:   If a tenant is going to be homeless, the judge isn't allowed to evict them.

Me:  That's not how it works.  

[ken a.k.a OMK]

 I went to Lowes for furnace cement to seal the flue into the chimney. Two workers didn't have a clue what it was. Went to the old local hardware store and was handed a container in 30 seconds of asking. Pays to shop locally. 

[Deleted]

High school student: "I know I have a 72 in your class, but I was wondering if I could do some extra credit.  I really need an A in this class."

College student's parent: "My daughter is on probation and must get a 2.0 average this summer to enroll next semester.  She got a D in math and a C in English.  Can she do extra credit in your class to bring her English grade up to a B?"  

[Deleted]

Oh, two more.  Parents have to sign off on their student's research topic, due dates, etc.  

One of my students chose to write about some musician.  His mom approved the topic.  Then I get an email asking me if I have seen the filthy lyrics of his songs.  She needs me to tell him that he must change his topic.  And it must be my idea that he change it because he would get mad at her.

Another mother was demanding extra time for her student "just because. . . . "  When I reminded her that she signed off on no credit would be given if they missed a due date, she informed me that she would never have signed that if she had read it first.

  Ten more days, and I'm through!

[billisonboard]

May 13, 2019 16:12:38 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

...

College student's parent: "My daughter is on probation and must get a 2.0 average this summer to enroll next semester.  She got a D in math and a C in English.  Can she do extra credit in your class to bring her English grade up to a B?"  

College student came into the office I was working in to talk with the Dean of Students. She was trying to get him to intervene with a professor. She had gotten a "C" in a class that she needed to get a "B" in to qualify for a program she wanted to enter. She was attempting to get the professor to drop the grade to a "D" which would allow her to retake the class. With a "C", policy did not allow her to retake it. The professor won't do it.  Dean told her there was nothing he could do.

[shanendoah]

From our BS program, please note that you must complete 2 years of college before you can be admitted into our program. (Due to the size of our program compared to the number of applicants we get, our current admissions rate for undergrad is around 10%.)
Email from parent- My son has applied to your program 3 different times and not gotten in. We sent him to school in the US because we were told students could pick their programs. We demand an explanation for why our student is not in your program.


We say specifically on our website that we cannot provide detailed/personalized feedback for students not admitted to our masters program. (Due to the size of our program compared to the number of applicants we get, our current admissions rate is about 17%.)
Call from other department (and school) on campus- One of our external advisory board members/major donors just came in and said that her friend's son did not get admitted into your masters program, and that you won't tell him why. We demand that you tell him exactly what he needs to do to be guaranteed admission to your program next year.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

"College of Pharmacy this is X"

::detailed information about gynecological problems"

"Whoa lady this isn't the hospital. The clinic number is ×××-×××-××××"

"I'm reporting you to HIPAA for impersonating a doctor!" Click.

Umm okay I identified myself and you willingly overshared. That's not a violation that's you not paying attention.*

*I did check just in case and the above it pretty much what I was told.

[sesfw]

Co-worker and I were discussing some kids not paying back their student loans. 

She said I shouldn't object to them not repaying, they got the funds from the government.

Airhead ……….. 

[sheilaincali]

Not at work, but about an employee. I was in a wedding in which an employee's parents were good friends with the Groom's parents. My employee, Alex, is affectionately known as "ManBun" due to his long hair.

Dad: Can you make Alex cut his hair? It drives me crazy.
Me: (joking) No can do, We already have another employee named Alex and we're too lazy to come up with a new nickname if we can't call him ManBun anymore.

Dad: That's true, the ladies do loves his long hair. I just don't get it. That kid pulls in more tail than anyone I know.

Dad: Did I ever tell you about the time he lost his virginity....... 

Me: Please don't. (note- he did anyway- the Dad was pretty drunk- we still laugh about it).

I told Alex the next week at work "so I was at Sam's wedding and your folks were there...." and just said "Oh god, what did he say?" I told him and he laughed and said "my dad is awesome".

[Nazgul Girl]

  So I was 26 years old working in the giant Social Security office bullpen ( no cubicles back then ), and a friendly man got shown to my desk.   He told me that he wanted to " collapse " his Social Security....    We went around and around about what that meant.   I asked him if he wanted to sign up to " collect" his Social Security.   Absolutely not.    I asked him if he wanted to " continue to contribute "  to his Social Security."   Nope.    I asked him if he wanted to find out what he would collect if he stopped working.   Nope.    After 20 minutes of this, he politely thanked me for my efforts, and left.   I still wonder what he wanted 40 years later  .

[NoNamePerson]

May 14, 2019 15:32:29 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

  So I was 26 years old working in the giant Social Security office bullpen ( no cubicles back then ), and a friendly man got shown to my desk.   He told me that he wanted to " collapse " his Social Security....    We went around and around about what that meant.   I asked him if he wanted to sign up to " collect" his Social Security.   Absolutely not.    I asked him if he wanted to " continue to contribute "  to his Social Security."   Nope.    I asked him if he wanted to find out what he would collect if he stopped working.   Nope.    After 20 minutes of this, he politely thanked me for my efforts, and left.   I still wonder what he wanted 40 years later  .

He probably came back to the same office and looked around for you 

[teen persuasion]

I got a phone call yesterday.

"Hi, I just wanted to make sure the number was good."

??

"Actually, I sent in a donation in memory of someone, and I wanted you to add some info to the bookplate - Mrs X, librarian of the Y country school."

Ok, I can do that. What's your name so I can look up the correct donation records and make a note?

"I don't want to say - I want to remain anonymous."

[TheHaitian]

Associate contacted payroll that she did not get her last 2 paychecks direct deposited so payroll issued paper check.

2 week later payroll calls back: associate did get direct deposit so now has to pay back money. We pass her the phone to speak to payroll and never think of it again.

2 weeks passes by and another call then email from payroll; they never got the money back. Ok how is that our problem? But they want us involved now.

Seat her down: you know you owe X, you were contacted about paying it back and did not. Why?

I cannot:

What do you meant you cannot?

I cannot afford to pay it back.

In my head: WTF? You know you got paid twice and you willingly spent the money; did you think they would not find out.

Instead I say: ok, not paying it back is not an option. What can you afford?

She said: $100/week:

Ok I contact payroll back and inform them that she cannot do lump sum but can do $100/week. They email form/promissory note for her to sign, they will take it directly out of her paycheck since they cannot trust her to pay it back.

Call her back in office. She says she made a mistake, she cannot afford $100/week but can do $50/week. Ok, just 20 minutes ago you said you could?

She made a mistake and can do $50. Ok contact HR quick they say ok. Call her back and give her the form to file out.

When she files out the form, she put $30/week. Wtf? From $100, to $50 and now $30... she made a mistake and can only
Afford $30.

I just took the form before she changes her mind and put down $10.

[Works4me]

Said to me: "I'm not dead."

[alabamagal]

At previous job, I had to provide engineering support for 24/7 operations, so would get frequent phone calls. One day DH and I were out to dinner with friends. Call was from work asking about proper way to install felt filter cloths. So DH and friends only hear my side of conversation, so all I say is “fuzzy side up”. Everyone looked at me so had to say “work question.”

Once when traveling in a small airport I heard an announcement. “ x organ donation center, you have a package at gate 2.” I’m thinking someone was in trouble for that one.

[dannylion]

Division chief, tech leader (me), branch chief, and team chief holding a meet and greet with a new employee beginning a 6-month rotation in our office.  She had been hired through a program seeking people with specific skills outside the regular college recruitment pipeline.  We'll call it the Squeaky Toy program.  


Us:  How did you hear about the Squeaky Toy program?  


New Employee: (Very Excited!  Like a puppy!  A puppy who really overshares).  (Paraphrasing--it was more than 10 years ago) My neighbors told me about it.  When we moved into our house last year, we were thrilled to discover our neighbors had kids the same ages as ours and that we had so much in common.  They're just the greatest people, and such a romantic story!  Orville was married before and 5 years ago didn't even know Earlene.  Then Orville's wife out of the blue left him for someone else and then Orville met Earlene and they got married and had kids, which Orville's first wife never wanted but Orville did, and now everybody's happy.  Maybe you know them.  They both work here.  Orville and Earlene Hallmark-Romance?  


The branch chief, the team chief, and me:    ……….  (But inside our heads we're saying:  Stop talking.  Just.  Stop.  Talking.)


Division Chief:  I was Orville's first wife.  

[thyme4change]

Text from boss: Want to go to lunch today?

Me: Sure

Boss: Okay, I will come in around 11.30

He lives 40 minutes away and will drive in, have lunch and leave. Such a weirdo.

[Tiny]

At work doing accounting system software support for the Accounting Dept back when reports were printed out and couldn't be emailed. 

Early morning phone call after making nice comments to each other: 
Me:  Hi!  what's the problem: 
Clueless User:   Hi!  The Nightly Report doesn't balance.  Can you fix it. 
Me:   Um, OK, what's the name of the report? 
CU:  The Nightly Report. 
Me:   No, I mean the report title - at the top of the report.  There might be a code that goes something like RPTxxxxxx in the upper right hand corner of every page.  
CU:  Uh, it's the Nightly Report - we get it every morning. It doesn't balance. 
Me:  There is no report called a Nightly Report.  And your area of Accounting gets atleast 20 reports a night.  Does the company name appear at the top of the report?  What's the Name of the report?   Is there an RPT# in the upper right corner of the page? You might be using 
a report that was generated thru excel or word by one of the other accountants. 
CU getting angry:  It's the Nightly Report.  we get it every morning.  It doesn't Balance!
Me:   Can you give me the title from the report? On the Green bar print out? 
CU angry:   Fine.  Let me look... it says  "Quarterly Detail something something for such and such". 
Me (with some relief as I recognize that title):   Does it have an RPT#  in the upper right hand corner of the page? 
CU:   It's got a RPT#!  
Me:  Ok, good!  Can you give me the RPT#?   ::under my breath::   you don't get that every day. 
CU:   gives me the RPT# 
Me:   What's wrong with the report? 
CU:  It doesn't balance. 
Me:  OK, there's alot of columns and sub totals and totals and sections on that report.  What part of the report isn't right?  
CU:  The numbers on the page 30. 

It's printed on Green Bar paper by office and department and a couple of other sub sections - it probably has 100 pages at this point in the year.   I have no idea why this person cannot give me atleast the office, department that they are looking at (it's at the top of the page under the title they just gave me.)   

The conversation goes back and forth a few more times...  and when the CU wonders why I can't just plug in the correct numbers and re-run the report I give up. 
 
Me  ::I HATE pulling teeth/playing 20 questions ::   sweetly:   Have you talked to your manager?   Maybe we should set up a meeting to go over the problem.  ::under my breath::  how did you get your CPA? How are you still employed??   

I've had alot of "lets play 20 questions!" phone calls during my life time... but that one about the "nightly report" and how irate the accountant got still sticks out in my mind.   

[alabamagal]

When I was overseas and had problem with my computer I had to call local tech support. Now understand that this persons first language is not English.

Me: <describes what happened>
TS: that is not possible.

WTF, do you think I am just calling tech support for the wonderful conversation!

[TheHaitian]

May 17, 2019 10:44:05 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Text from boss: Want to go to lunch today?

Me: Sure

Boss: Okay, I will come in around 11.30

He lives 40 minutes away and will drive in, have lunch and leave. Such a weirdo.

He gets my vote for Best Boss Ever!!!

I am always up for free food!

[thyme4change]

May 18, 2019 0:32:17 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

May 17, 2019 10:44:05 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Text from boss: Want to go to lunch today?

Me: Sure

Boss: Okay, I will come in around 11.30

He lives 40 minutes away and will drive in, have lunch and leave. Such a weirdo.

He gets my vote for Best Boss Ever!!!

I am always up for free food!

2 hours of him bloviating about something we've talked about one thousand times. I literally got zero new information, but had to work late to finish up everything else. I should have bought my own salad.

[hoops902]

May 17, 2019 10:56:46 GMT -5 Tiny said:

At work doing accounting system software support for the Accounting Dept back when reports were printed out and couldn't be emailed. 

Early morning phone call after making nice comments to each other: 
Me:  Hi!  what's the problem: 
Clueless User:   Hi!  The Nightly Report doesn't balance.  Can you fix it. 
Me:   Um, OK, what's the name of the report? 
CU:  The Nightly Report. 
Me:   No, I mean the report title - at the top of the report.  There might be a code that goes something like RPTxxxxxx in the upper right hand corner of every page.  
CU:  Uh, it's the Nightly Report - we get it every morning. It doesn't balance. 
Me:  There is no report called a Nightly Report.  And your area of Accounting gets atleast 20 reports a night.  Does the company name appear at the top of the report?  What's the Name of the report?   Is there an RPT# in the upper right corner of the page? You might be using 
a report that was generated thru excel or word by one of the other accountants. 
CU getting angry:  It's the Nightly Report.  we get it every morning.  It doesn't Balance!
Me:   Can you give me the title from the report? On the Green bar print out? 
CU angry:   Fine.  Let me look... it says  "Quarterly Detail something something for such and such". 
Me (with some relief as I recognize that title):   Does it have an RPT#  in the upper right hand corner of the page? 
CU:   It's got a RPT#!  
Me:  Ok, good!  Can you give me the RPT#?   ::under my breath::   you don't get that every day. 
CU:   gives me the RPT# 
Me:   What's wrong with the report? 
CU:  It doesn't balance. 
Me:  OK, there's alot of columns and sub totals and totals and sections on that report.  What part of the report isn't right?  
CU:  The numbers on the page 30. 

It's printed on Green Bar paper by office and department and a couple of other sub sections - it probably has 100 pages at this point in the year.   I have no idea why this person cannot give me atleast the office, department that they are looking at (it's at the top of the page under the title they just gave me.)   

The conversation goes back and forth a few more times...  and when the CU wonders why I can't just plug in the correct numbers and re-run the report I give up. 
 
Me  ::I HATE pulling teeth/playing 20 questions ::   sweetly:   Have you talked to your manager?   Maybe we should set up a meeting to go over the problem.  ::under my breath::  how did you get your CPA? How are you still employed??   

I've had alot of "lets play 20 questions!" phone calls during my life time... but that one about the "nightly report" and how irate the accountant got still sticks out in my mind.   

Thanks, you just offered me some gratitude that I no longer work at my old job where people used to call me and ask me why "The Daily Report" didn't print.  Or why "The Check Register" didn't print.  "THERE'S NO SUCH THING WITH THAT ACTUAL NAME YOU DOLT!".  It was a lot of "I just call it the daily report".  Yeah, I don't really care "what you call it"...that doesn't help me.  

Not quite as bad as that, but I'd also often gets calls about "our systems aren't working" (not quite as bad because we only had about 50 systems, but hundreds of reports).  Which systems?  "None of them".  Which I'd find odd, because some of my systems would be working that I had open, so we'd go down the list like "is this one working, it's working for me".  Yep, that one works fine for us too.  Ok, so then which ones don't work?  "None of them are working".