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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2019 19:00:53 GMT -5
Carl, you don't owe your biological or his other children anything. If the biological does pass, the "children" will still have a home provided for them, the one that is legally yours, correct? That's a gift right there, if the house is in your name and you are ok with them continuing to live there for free. The only one I would even think about being concerned about is the minor, but that's still up to you and not your responsibility, the other siblings can look after her if her mother doesn't.
I definitely wouldn't concern myself with the financial situation whether he recovers or not. But that's just me, and it's been said before that I'm mean. Shrug.
I didn't have a relationship with my biological father, I decided I was over him at 14yo and never changed my mind. He wasn't abusive, just couldn't be bothered with me and my brother. He tried to make amends when I was in my early 30's, after I'd cussed him out and told him exactly what I thought of him. I never responded to his attempts to reach out to me. He died a few years later from lung cancer. My Mom knew he had gotten sick, but he'd asked her not to tell me, and she didn't until after he died. I did go to the wake and funeral.
I'll never know if I would've talked to him once he got sick if I'd known. Probably not. His conscience was not my problem and I don't feel bad about not having eased it before he died. I know a few people that have managed to forgive and help take care of aging parents that never helped take care of them. I think it's awesome that they can find it in their hearts to do that, but I'm not that forgiving and I'm ok with that.
I'm not saying I was/am right, or that the way I feel and felt was healthy for me, although I can honestly say that at this point in my life, I don't wish I'd done anything differently. I don't even think about it or him. I'm just saying that I do understand, and you have to do what feels right for you, regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. You get to feel however you feel, and you get to handle the situation in whatever way you feel is best for YOU.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on May 5, 2019 19:41:41 GMT -5
Hubs said the culture in Africa was the same. In many families only one person had a job, then everyone else piggy backed on. Made it impossible for them to have anything, this sounds similar. I believe the work situation in Haiti is similar with astronomical unemployment rates. Still you are providing a home and I assume paying taxes and insurance on it. That's enough in my book. You need to pay off your own debt as there would be no help coming from that group. Don't let them pull you under.
Good luck.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on May 5, 2019 23:35:49 GMT -5
I just saw this and didn’t want to read without commenting. Good luck, Carl. I agree with the PPs who suggested doing whatever will cause you the least amount of regret later.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on May 6, 2019 0:44:33 GMT -5
The older I get, the more I begin to believe that “family” is an odd social contract. Certainly, many families are happy, loving, supportive, HEALTHY units. But, there are also others that take the fun out of dysfunction. Without asking to be born, we are thrust into a life SOMETIMES with people whom, if we’d had a choice, we’d have steered clear from. And yet, regardless of how we are treated by “family”, we are often expected to/obligated to assist family members simply due to shared bloodlines.
I really struggle with this notion that blood relation imposes obligation. On one hand, as my screename demonstrates, I work very hard at treating others as I would want to be treated, especially when doing so is the most difficult. On the other hand, if the only connection is blood and our shared history is marked by moments of unkind, mean, unhealthy behavior by one member upon another, does taking the high road essentially give bad family members (or any bad actors, related or not) a free pass? And shouldn’t parents above all be held to a higher standard since their actions created each of us? Or, realizing that no one is perfect and that we all have faults, do we embrace empathy and try to walk a mile in other’s shoes? Is there a scale for when someone’s behavior goes too far and allows others to withhold kindness?
I’m sorry, Carl, I’m probably not helping you to make a decision you can live with. But, take some reassurance in knowing that you are not alone in this moral dilemma. Also, give some thought to how much emotional space in your own life is taken up by your feelings toward your bio father. Does forgiving him give YOU relief from the anger and pain you carry? It’s a VERY difficult decision that I, too, am wrestling with. Whatever you decide, Carl, I wish you peace.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on May 6, 2019 3:08:23 GMT -5
Guess the past 15-16 years in America has made my wife and I full fledge Americans, we have assimilated! Lol!
When my brother called me to tell me of the news I was driving, mother in law was in the car with me. After he told me I was like ok, has he called his brothers and sisters, I will inform the folks in the US, keep me posted etc.
She was like that I did not tell my brother anything, I did not tell him how much I was sending. I was like: I was literally told 2 seconds ago he was admitted, he has a stroke, lost consciousness that morning and Dr is surprised he is not in a coma based on his stats and my reaction should have been : don’t worry I will western union you some Money ASAP.
Also she said not to tell his siblings because telling people someone is in the hospital is aka asking for money. My reaction was that I do not need their money (God Bless) and as a sibling / brother I would want to know if something happened to my sister or brothers.
Guess she was right! While we were out at dinner get a text from my brother how the tests and exam for my dad costs $5,000 so far ($385 US dollars) and how no one sent any help/money except for my cousin in Florida that sent $200.00 . When my wife read the texts her reaction was : why was he expecting other people to send him money?
Her mom was like really, you don’t know? She would have taken our Haitian cards right there and then. As we are leaving the restaurant (after MIL reminded us we spent $120 on dinner for the 4 of us which would have paid for 1 day at the hospital for my biological father); my mom calls. She wanted me to ask my brother to call her so she can assess the situation and also send money. My reaction: why are YOU sending money? And if you are sending money, why am I sending money!
So got the same speech how in situation like this you need to forget about all the wrong the person has done you and do right by them. And my mom and MIL have this fairy tale idea that my biological father will use this moment to reflect and will be humbled and be a change man... yep not holding my breathe.
Oh well... this man put my mother through hell and back; and me along for the ride but damn it, so that people that do not know shit about what we went through do not talk bad about us and damn it we will save face ... we are sending money!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 6, 2019 7:57:50 GMT -5
Guess the past 15-16 years in America has made my wife and I full fledge Americans, we have assimilated! Lol! When my brother called me to tell me of the news I was driving, mother in law was in the car with me. After he told me I was like ok, has he called his brothers and sisters, I will inform the folks in the US, keep me posted etc. She was like that I did not tell my brother anything, I did not tell him how much I was sending. I was like: I was literally told 2 seconds ago he was admitted, he has a stroke, lost consciousness that morning and Dr is surprised he is not in a coma based on his stats and my reaction should have been : don’t worry I will western union you some Money ASAP. Also she said not to tell his siblings because telling people someone is in the hospital is aka asking for money. My reaction was that I do not need their money (God Bless) and as a sibling / brother I would want to know if something happened to my sister or brothers. Guess she was right! While we were out at dinner get a text from my brother how the tests and exam for my dad costs $5,000 so far ($385 US dollars) and how no one sent any help/money except for my cousin in Florida that sent $200.00 . When my wife read the texts her reaction was : why was he expecting other people to send him money? Her mom was like really, you don’t know? She would have taken our Haitian cards right there and then. As we are leaving the restaurant (after MIL reminded us we spent $120 on dinner for the 4 of us which would have paid for 1 day at the hospital for my biological father); my mom calls. She wanted me to ask my brother to call her so she can assess the situation and also send money. My reaction: why are YOU sending money? And if you are sending money, why am I sending money! So got the same speech how in situation like this you need to forget about all the wrong the person has done you and do right by them. And my mom and MIL have this fairy tale idea that my biological father will use this moment to reflect and will be humbled and be a change man... yep not holding my breathe. Oh well... this man put my mother through hell and back; and me along for the ride but damn it, so that people that do not know shit about what we went through do not talk bad about us and damn it we will save face ... we are sending money! Which is all they wanted from everyone especially you, all along.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on May 6, 2019 9:29:13 GMT -5
The older I get, the more I begin to believe that “family” is an odd social contract. Certainly, many families are happy, loving, supportive, HEALTHY units. But, there are also others that take the fun out of dysfunction. Without asking to be born, we are thrust into a life SOMETIMES with people whom, if we’d had a choice, we’d have steered clear from. And yet, regardless of how we are treated by “family”, we are often expected to/obligated to assist family members simply due to shared bloodlines. I really struggle with this notion that blood relation imposes obligation. On one hand, as my screename demonstrates, I work very hard at treating others as I would want to be treated, especially when doing so is the most difficult. On the other hand, if the only connection is blood and our shared history is marked by moments of unkind, mean, unhealthy behavior by one member upon another, does taking the high road essentially give bad family members (or any bad actors, related or not) a free pass? And shouldn’t parents above all be held to a higher standard since their actions created each of us? Or, realizing that no one is perfect and that we all have faults, do we embrace empathy and try to walk a mile in other’s shoes? Is there a scale for when someone’s behavior goes too far and allows others to withhold kindness? I’m sorry, Carl, I’m probably not helping you to make a decision you can live with. But, take some reassurance in knowing that you are not alone in this moral dilemma. Also, give some thought to how much emotional space in your own life is taken up by your feelings toward your bio father. Does forgiving him give YOU relief from the anger and pain you carry? It’s a VERY difficult decision that I, too, am wrestling with. Whatever you decide, Carl, I wish you peace. This is an awesome post.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on May 6, 2019 9:57:24 GMT -5
I'm very sorry you're going through this Carl. I think you've been very generous to send money and I don't think I would have done so in your situation.
FWIW, I do wonder if your mother's insistence on forgiving your father is based on her own guilt. She was married to an abusive man who hurt her child. There may be part of her that recognizes the damage that was done to you and she knows she should have left sooner than she did and not exposed you to his violence.
I don't think I would want to reconcile. People make mistakes and deserve grace and forgiveness but abusing a helpless child is the lowest of the low.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on May 6, 2019 10:09:12 GMT -5
I was blessed to be raised in a family where my Dad pointed out the dysfunction in his own family, and made clear to me I didn't need to stay in any town simply to be close to blood relatives. Your "family" should be made of those people who actually support you, and I'm not talking about financially. I'm talking about those people who build you up when you feel down, who give you positive affirmations. "You're doing great." And, when life is beating you up, "you're doing your best in a bad situation". Those who criticize you, when you try to do right by your own family, are toxic, and are best put on "ignore".
I respect you for sending money to help while your Dad is in the hospital. But, I don't feel you should be obligated to allow others to live in the "family home", at no cost to themselves, when you Dad is gone. Grown, healthy adults should be able to fend for themselves. I get it that you might want to help the youngest child, who is under 18, but the rest should be working. JMHO.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on May 6, 2019 10:41:53 GMT -5
The ONE reason I might allow extended family to continue to live in the house in Haiti is the country’s widespread devastation after both an earthquake and a horrific hurricane. I suspect not a lot has been done by the Haitian government or the rest of the world to repair and rebuild. I hear life is even more desperate there now than before. Given those conditions, and a likely related rock bottom economy, I have no problem allowing extended family to live in a house I own.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on May 6, 2019 10:45:50 GMT -5
The ONE reason I might allow extended family to continue to live in the house in Haiti is the country’s widespread devastation after both an earthquake and a horrific hurricane. I suspect not a lot has been done by the Haitian government or the rest of the world to repair and rebuild. I hear life is even more desperate there now than before. Given those conditions, and a likely related rock bottom economy, I have no problem allowing extended family to live in a house I own. As long as they pay all the bills and maintain the property.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on May 6, 2019 11:25:15 GMT -5
Guess the past 15-16 years in America has made my wife and I full fledge Americans, we have assimilated! Lol! When my brother called me to tell me of the news I was driving, mother in law was in the car with me. After he told me I was like ok, has he called his brothers and sisters, I will inform the folks in the US, keep me posted etc. She was like that I did not tell my brother anything, I did not tell him how much I was sending. I was like: I was literally told 2 seconds ago he was admitted, he has a stroke, lost consciousness that morning and Dr is surprised he is not in a coma based on his stats and my reaction should have been : don’t worry I will western union you some Money ASAP. Also she said not to tell his siblings because telling people someone is in the hospital is aka asking for money. My reaction was that I do not need their money (God Bless) and as a sibling / brother I would want to know if something happened to my sister or brothers. Guess she was right! While we were out at dinner get a text from my brother how the tests and exam for my dad costs $5,000 so far ($385 US dollars) and how no one sent any help/money except for my cousin in Florida that sent $200.00 . When my wife read the texts her reaction was : why was he expecting other people to send him money? Her mom was like really, you don’t know? She would have taken our Haitian cards right there and then. As we are leaving the restaurant (after MIL reminded us we spent $120 on dinner for the 4 of us which would have paid for 1 day at the hospital for my biological father); my mom calls. She wanted me to ask my brother to call her so she can assess the situation and also send money. My reaction: why are YOU sending money? And if you are sending money, why am I sending money! So got the same speech how in situation like this you need to forget about all the wrong the person has done you and do right by them. And my mom and MIL have this fairy tale idea that my biological father will use this moment to reflect and will be humbled and be a change man... yep not holding my breathe. Oh well... this man put my mother through hell and back; and me along for the ride but damn it, so that people that do not know shit about what we went through do not talk bad about us and damn it we will save face ... we are sending money! My personal opinion is that this is more reasonable when talking about helping your kids. You chose to have them, you probably raised them, you hold some sort of obligation to them in life. You didn't choose your parents. You should be able to have as little or as much contact/entanglement/obligation to them as you choose (in general I do think you owe them as much as they've done for you, but that's more of a human thing than a family thing, and I don't think "they had you" is something they do for you, people have kids because they want kids, not because they are "doing something" for you since you're not even born at the time).
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Mrs. Dinero
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Post by Mrs. Dinero on May 6, 2019 13:18:32 GMT -5
Really appreciate your vulnerability and honesty. I have no advice. I am thinking about you though. You’re very generous and thoughtful helping him.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on May 6, 2019 13:43:49 GMT -5
You're a good man Carl. Even if you decided to not help him, you're still a good man.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on May 6, 2019 14:22:52 GMT -5
Thank you everyone. My mom is sending $300.00 ... she feels based on the information she was given (mom is a nurse at a nursing home and deals with patients that suffered stroke all the time)... my biological dad should be able to make somewhat of a full recovery with proper help / therapy.
My MIL whom used to be a government employee informed me that my biological dad that is a government employee should have access to some form of government provided insurance and they will reimburse him. I contacted my brother and he is aware of it ( really and that was never mentioned) but not every hospital in Haiti accepts it and when they took him in They did not fill out the insurance card information. He claims that once they discharge him he will take all the receipts to the ministry and fill out the proper paperwork and see how much the government will refund.
From what my MIL explains, it depends on your level within the government and your tittle, and how long you have been with them. So anywhere from 25% to 75% of the total costs should be refunded. Also the Dr needs to provide him with forms so he can file for the Haitian version of “sick leave” and still get paid.
I don’t want to think the worse of my brother or his father but I have this gut feeling that the “reimbursement” was never mentioned because they wanted to pocket the money that was reimbursed. I think my mom felt the same because she did not want me to send all the money at once, send some now she said and the rest in 2-3 weeks...
Because knowing my biological father and my brother takes after him; they will blow through all of it and come back for more. But as I told them: the Bank of Carl is closed... the $500 I am sending could have gone towards my daughter 529 account.
I also told my brother once his father is release he better make sure he be put on all his accounts because I am not going through this again : their emergency is not my emergency. I am not their back up plan...
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on May 6, 2019 14:29:45 GMT -5
Still not have spoken to my father and really don’t think I will initial it. If he calls or ask to speak with me; I will ... but for me to make the first step is not going to happen.
I have been hurt / mistreated long enough that I no longer believe that a better version of him is possible nor will I leave myself in a position to be hurt again.
Today is my wife birthday and celebrating 16 years together (dang we are getting old) so taking it easy! We had brunch, went to the Zoo and now waiting on DW that is at Pottery Barns.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on May 6, 2019 14:38:51 GMT -5
The ONE reason I might allow extended family to continue to live in the house in Haiti is the country’s widespread devastation after both an earthquake and a horrific hurricane. I suspect not a lot has been done by the Haitian government or the rest of the world to repair and rebuild. I hear life is even more desperate there now than before. Given those conditions, and a likely related rock bottom economy, I have no problem allowing extended family to live in a house I own. As long as they pay all the bills and maintain the property. I cannot even trust them to do that... at least not pay the property taxes. I would have to entrust that on my MIL, she goes to Haiti twice a year to pay her property taxes, I would had ask her to just pay those also. But seems he will recover so maybe he will Make a plan for that now. I told him I wanted nothing from him and he could give it all to his kids but my mom made me take it back: She wants me to keep the family home (condition of their divorce 30 years ago - why it is under my name) and also will myself her 10 acres piece of land she lost in the divorce. She feels it belongs with her family, she wants it back... she wants me to will it to my daughter. I don’t even visit him when I go to Haiti, we stay with my MIL or friends. The family home is more of a matter of pride for my mom, she knew him and knew he would have lost it to 2-3 wives ago, heck wife #3 tried to kill me when during the divorce she found out her kids or her had no claim to the house because legally I owned it. That was fun! She and MIL feels you always need a home back home because we are visitors in this country and you never know when they will kick you out. Let’s just say Trump has made a lot of Haitians living in USA accelerated their plans on building or buying homes in Haiti. Homes in our neighborhood in Haiti are just as expensive as home in the US now thanks to the “diaspora” buying up everything.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 6, 2019 15:17:18 GMT -5
If it's your house then why should his other children, especially adult children, get to live there on your dime when/if your biological father dies? You're mother wants you to keep it then when he passes they get out and it becomes your vacation home. Or SHE can pay for them to stay there. Sorry about all this Carl. Whether or not to talk to your father is a deeply personal thing and something people shouldn't try to force you into. It says a lot more about their issues/baggage that they have to work so hard to convince you to make peace than it does you. I also do not believe you are under any obligation to support his other children just because you happen to share 50% of their DNA. You do what is right for you.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on May 6, 2019 17:32:07 GMT -5
Guess the past 15-16 years in America has made my wife and I full fledge Americans, we have assimilated! Lol! When my brother called me to tell me of the news I was driving, mother in law was in the car with me. After he told me I was like ok, has he called his brothers and sisters, I will inform the folks in the US, keep me posted etc. She was like that I did not tell my brother anything, I did not tell him how much I was sending. I was like: I was literally told 2 seconds ago he was admitted, he has a stroke, lost consciousness that morning and Dr is surprised he is not in a coma based on his stats and my reaction should have been : don’t worry I will western union you some Money ASAP. Also she said not to tell his siblings because telling people someone is in the hospital is aka asking for money. My reaction was that I do not need their money (God Bless) and as a sibling / brother I would want to know if something happened to my sister or brothers. Guess she was right! While we were out at dinner get a text from my brother how the tests and exam for my dad costs $5,000 so far ($385 US dollars) and how no one sent any help/money except for my cousin in Florida that sent $200.00 . When my wife read the texts her reaction was : why was he expecting other people to send him money? Her mom was like really, you don’t know? She would have taken our Haitian cards right there and then. As we are leaving the restaurant (after MIL reminded us we spent $120 on dinner for the 4 of us which would have paid for 1 day at the hospital for my biological father); my mom calls. She wanted me to ask my brother to call her so she can assess the situation and also send money. My reaction: why are YOU sending money? And if you are sending money, why am I sending money! So got the same speech how in situation like this you need to forget about all the wrong the person has done you and do right by them. And my mom and MIL have this fairy tale idea that my biological father will use this moment to reflect and will be humbled and be a change man... yep not holding my breathe. Oh well... this man put my mother through hell and back; and me along for the ride but damn it, so that people that do not know shit about what we went through do not talk bad about us and damn it we will save face ... we are sending money! Your mother and I are quite different. I tell mine if the bio shows, do not even get tested for kidney donation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2019 18:16:02 GMT -5
Your mother and I are quite different. I tell mine if the bio shows, do not even get tested for kidney donation. I can't fathom the mom sending money too! It would be a cold day in hell when I sent money to pay my abusive ex's medical bills.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on May 6, 2019 19:08:37 GMT -5
I am about to stop communicating with my brother because this is getting aggravating! I am really going to be called the devil spawn now!
I asked him how much money does he thinks he needs, he said $1,500 US. I said I hope you did not expect to get that from me because it ain’t happening. He said no, he was just telling me what he needed.
So my mom sent $300, I sent $500 and my cousin sent $200 = $1,000 there... he is 2/3 of the way there.
So I told him once his father gets better hey need to: 1) have a plan for next emergency 2) he needs to have access to his accounts / know where they are 3) this way he can take care of things while he is not functioning
If this was worse case scenario (death) he would be SOL and wasting precious time trying to get everything. Also keep all the paper in order so he could get refunded some of it at a later date of any.
I said because next time he may get no money (folks respond to your first emergency, by the 2nd and 3rd we are tired of your ass). He said I should talk to the old man because it is my problem too and he has been borrowing money from friends to cover the daily hospital bills and exams etc.
I said correction, it is your problem. Unless you are DD or DW and by extinction my mother / siblings you are NOT my problem.
So he thinks he has the right to start on the “family” lecture patch and when his dad wake up/ is better that we need to talk and fix this. As I explained to him: do not start because that would be the quickest way to get blocked by me; we have a good relationship now: don’t fuck it up. Between his father and I, that ship has sailed.
I am only given him advice to be prepared next time because I may not answer the phone next time and he does not want to be in this situation again where he is borrowing from friends and calling family members.
And I want him to remember: I AM NOT A BANK, I AM NOT THEIR EMERGENCY FUND.
Now given me the sad act that he will try his best to manage with the $800 but what to do if it does not cover everything. I feel for him, I do... it is a shitty situation to be in but I cannot allow myself to get sucked into it.
I just can’t ... I have too much on my own plate here.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 6, 2019 19:17:55 GMT -5
Hubs said the culture in Africa was the same. In many families only one person had a job, then everyone else piggy backed on. Made it impossible for them to have anything, this sounds similar. I believe the work situation in Haiti is similar with astronomical unemployment rates. Still you are providing a home and I assume paying taxes and insurance on it. That's enough in my book. You need to pay off your own debt as there would be no help coming from that group. Don't let them pull you under. Good luck. I think its also how things might develop IF only one person in a family group is able to find a job due to lack of employment for most workers.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 6, 2019 19:21:58 GMT -5
I am about to stop communicating with my brother because this is getting aggravating! I am really going to be called the devil spawn now! I asked him how much money does he thinks he needs, he said $1,500 US. I said I hope you did not expect to get that from me because it ain’t happening. He said no, he was just telling me what he needed. So my mom sent $300, I sent $500 and my cousin sent $200 = $1,000 there... he is 2/3 of the way there. So I told him once his father gets better hey need to: 1) have a plan for next emergency 2) he needs to have access to his accounts / know where they are 3) this way he can take care of things while he is not functioning If this was worse case scenario (death) he would be SOL and wasting precious time trying to get everything. Also keep all the paper in order so he could get refunded some of it at a later date of any. I said because next time he may get no money (folks respond to your first emergency, by the 2nd and 3rd we are tired of your ass). He said I should talk to the old man because it is my problem too and he has been borrowing money from friends to cover the daily hospital bills and exams etc. I said correction, it is your problem. Unless you are DD or DW and by extinction my mother / siblings you are NOT my problem. So he thinks he has the right to start on the “family” lecture patch and when his dad wake up/ is better that we need to talk and fix this. As I explained to him: do not start because that would be the quickest way to get blocked by me; we have a good relationship now: don’t fuck it up. Between his father and I, that ship has sailed. I am only given him advice to be prepared next time because I may not answer the phone next time and he does not want to be in this situation again where he is borrowing from friends and calling family members. And I want him to remember: I AM NOT A BANK, I AM NOT THEIR EMERGENCY FUND. Now given me the sad act that he will try his best to manage with the $800 but what to do if it does not cover everything. I feel for him, I do... it is a shitty situation to be in but I cannot allow myself to get sucked into it. I just can’t ... I have too much on my own plate here. Carl, a quick thought. Don't ask for what they need. Ask for what the expenses are and who needs to be paid. If you choose to help, can you pay vendors directly in Haiti? This may have already been stated, but who is the medical POA for your father in Haiti and who is the medical POA?
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haapai
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Post by haapai on May 6, 2019 19:49:03 GMT -5
I spent a good chunk of my childhood in what was then called the third world. Not much that I have read in this thread confuses or surprises me. Mostly, I marvel at how well you're handling this.
I'd love to know more about how much it costs to pay property taxes and maintain the property in Haiti. I'm sure that the number is quite unpredictable but that there are also quite a few benefits for doing so. Do you think that having relatives live on the property minimizes pleas for money or gives you the means to resist them? Have you thought much about how maintaining ownership of this property means a lot to your mom for reasons that might not be all that nice?
My hat is really off to your mom on this one. She's a damn smart lady and one hell of a fighter. You may have to get rid of the property once it no longer serves her purposes.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on May 6, 2019 20:12:09 GMT -5
If it's your house then why should his other children, especially adult children, get to live there on your dime when/if your biological father dies? You're mother wants you to keep it then when he passes they get out and it becomes your vacation home. Or SHE can pay for them to stay there. Sorry about all this Carl. Whether or not to talk to your father is a deeply personal thing and something people shouldn't try to force you into. It says a lot more about their issues/baggage that they have to work so hard to convince you to make peace than it does you. I also do not believe you are under any obligation to support his other children just because you happen to share 50% of their DNA. You do what is right for you. I would let them live in the house because part of me knew it could have easily been me in their shoes. And really I do not need nor want the house... 16 years ago : it was me. Biological father was busy running the streets trying to find his next mistress / wife while I was at home left to play “dad”. Or when I was younger being mistreated by whichever wife he had at the time which is why while I cannot promise many things in this world I can promise this: my daughter will NEVER have a stepmother. Don’t get me wrong: there are some awesome stepmothers out there, I have met a few. But I did not have one, and I know all too well that how someone treated me in public with eyes present was totally different than how they treated me behind closed doors and no witness. So will not even attempt that one ... The difference between me and them is my mother. So it is really hard for me to fault them because I know their ploy all too well and it could have easily been me. I know I paid for my brother schooling, helped him out financially and paid for his last visit here because I felt guilty. I know my presence shielded him from a lot of the crap that was our dad and when I left everything was transferred to him. He has to shoulder it all... Now he is the one left playing dad to the other 3 and dealing with everything while his father is one for days/weeks at a time. I am “secretly” working on trying to get him out of Haiti... I have no emotional connection to the other 3 or 5 or 7. my biological father total kid count is unknown, I have an older brother that is 40 that I met like a decade ago and I was informed one of his side piece dropped up a 6 year old at the house a couple of months ago that looked just like us... he swore to my brother it was not his kids and brought him back to his mom the next day. My question to my brother was: if that was not his kid, how did he know where to take him home too? Also he has cheated on every single wife he had , on my mom he had my brother, on his wife #3 he had the twins with the mistress... on the last wife when I left he had he daughter with the maid... and I know he cheated on wife #2 while she was in the hospital miscarrying his child he was busy at home humping another maid. Rumor have it they saw her at one point with a kid that looked just like my dad. So yes when people ask me how many siblings I have I say: from my mom side 2, from my dad side : 7 and counting ... could be 10-12-15. Who knows! ***and yes my father tend to sleep with the hired help : secretaries, maid, etc. you know, women he could take advantage off because their livelihood depended on him.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 6, 2019 21:15:03 GMT -5
Well it sounds like he has plenty of others to mooch off of then. I would not feel guilty. Where there is a will there is a way but not if they can count on the bank of Carl. Stick to your guns. You are not obligated to be the provider to all those people. Not your mess not your clean up.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on May 6, 2019 22:58:52 GMT -5
Been awhile since I sent money I guess...
$1 US = $17 Haitian Dollars = 85 Gourdes
Damn!!
And I have friends from Haiti that live/work in Haiti that just went to Dubai on Vacation, Colombia and one to the World Cup in Russia last year or before.
WTF am I doing wrong with my life?
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on May 7, 2019 7:14:46 GMT -5
As long as they pay all the bills and maintain the property. I cannot even trust them to do that... at least not pay the property taxes. I would have to entrust that on my MIL, she goes to Haiti twice a year to pay her property taxes, I would had ask her to just pay those also. But seems he will recover so maybe he will Make a plan for that now. I told him I wanted nothing from him and he could give it all to his kids but my mom made me take it back: She wants me to keep the family home (condition of their divorce 30 years ago - why it is under my name) and also will myself her 10 acres piece of land she lost in the divorce. She feels it belongs with her family, she wants it back... she wants me to will it to my daughter. I don’t even visit him when I go to Haiti, we stay with my MIL or friends. The family home is more of a matter of pride for my mom, she knew him and knew he would have lost it to 2-3 wives ago, heck wife #3 tried to kill me when during the divorce she found out her kids or her had no claim to the house because legally I owned it. That was fun! She and MIL feels you always need a home back home because we are visitors in this country and you never know when they will kick you out. Let’s just say Trump has made a lot of Haitians living in USA accelerated their plans on building or buying homes in Haiti. Homes in our neighborhood in Haiti are just as expensive as home in the US now thanks to the “diaspora” buying up everything. What? Do you mean she actually tried to kill you or that's just a figure of speech?
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Deleted
Joined: Mar 29, 2024 3:50:06 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2019 7:22:40 GMT -5
Why don't you just give them the house? Are you ever going to be able to kick them out to live there yourself anyhow?
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on May 7, 2019 11:00:06 GMT -5
Why don't you just give them the house? Are you ever going to be able to kick them out to live there yourself anyhow? It sounds like Carl's mother does not want him to give up ownership to the half-siblings.
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