TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on May 4, 2019 22:20:49 GMT -5
should I go home?
My wife was ready to make reservations today but I told her not too. Not sure if it is because I am not ready to face the inevitable : his mortality... or not ready to deal with all the baggage.
Have not told my mom because like my wife she will want time to fly to Haiti ASAP and if you cannot tell we don’t have the best relationship : he was not invited to my wedding and have yet to meet my daughter.
Anyway to keep this financial I rationalize it by the fact they can use the money vs me being there, I am not a doctor. I have reached out to my wife best friend that is a Dr in Haiti and 2 of my friends that are also Dr’s and they are getting me / referring a Dr they trust for a second opinion.
Haiti unlike the US: you need to pay first before getting admitted. No money = they leave you in the Emergency room / triage area. Currently at the hospital he is at it is $100 US per day or $1,300 Haitian Dollars : $900/day for the room and $400/day for access to the doctor. I was sent a picture of the room; not bad
He needs to get some lab test tomorrow, another $100 US... seemed they delayed taking him to the Dr which may have made it worse (they thought it was a fever/cold). Also my younger brother (God bless him) is really clueless. He kept calling my aunt in Haiti and HELLO... yes she is married to a Doctor but he has dementia and SHE is not a Doctor.
He has been feeling unwell since he got back from his work trip SUNDAY! But he is a cheap bastard and did not go to see his Doctor or anything. The only reason my brother called me is because he needed money to get my biological admitted and he had no access to his bank accounts...
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ners
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Post by ners on May 4, 2019 22:30:41 GMT -5
TheHaitian Not sure how to respond. Hope all goes well.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on May 4, 2019 23:50:57 GMT -5
TheHaitian Not sure how to respond. Hope all goes well. There is no one way to respond...thank you! Had the inevitable blow up with my mom that always happen when the subject of my biological comes up. She feels I should just forgive and move on, I say fuck forgiveness, when I needed a father he could not be bothered now that I don’t need one I am not going to be bothered. At least I am willing and considering helping out financially; I could have ignored the call and keep on with my life. She as the typical Haitian is concerned about how people will see it, I said people can see it how the hell they want.. where were these people when I was being put through hell, depression and considered suicide. I got the religious speech that she knows I suffered and she never forgive herself for living room with him when I was 4. She knows I suffered and she knows I went through things I did not tell her . But I need to stop focusing on the things that went wrong in my life she focus on the things that went right, to count my blessings. She is a bigger woman than I am, I am thankful and thank God everyday for my blessings ... but the forgiveness path will have to wait. Instead of buying a ticket for $500, I will send them that. Courtesy of Uber eats (made ~$620 last week).
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 5, 2019 0:28:49 GMT -5
Carl, hugs if you'd like some. This sounds really stressful.
My only thought is to do what you'll regret the least.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on May 5, 2019 6:26:17 GMT -5
It was generous of you to send the money, and I am sorry that you are going through this.
I expect that your mother is just trying to ensure that you don't have any regrets later on for not going. I have never regretted taking the extra effort to see someone, but I have regretted not going, even though at the time I thought it was too much for me to deal with.
However with the history of abuse and neglect, it is totally understandable not to go. You don't owe anyone in Haiti an explanation for anything, so just make the decision you are least likely to regret.
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tractor
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Post by tractor on May 5, 2019 6:32:12 GMT -5
Given your past history, I say you have done the right thing. Help out a little now and move on. It’s OK to forgive, but not forget.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on May 5, 2019 6:51:00 GMT -5
Carl, I think you are doing the right thing. I would not drop everything and fly to see him in the hospital. This is not the time to do a forced reconciliation. If he gets better, you might consider it at a time when you both are prepared for it. Or not, if you don’t want to. Sending money is being very generous.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 5, 2019 7:32:39 GMT -5
I agree with the sentiment of doing what you regret the least. I actually would like to be there to say goodbye to my dad. Of course, for us it's easier...a short drive instead of a long flight. I don't consider it a reconciliation. It's simply a good-bye.
We'll see if I'm offered the opportunity when the time comes.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2019 9:21:17 GMT -5
Carl, I agree that even sending money is very generous. I hope your father's health isn't as poor as when I got a similar call about my Ex; after years of alcohol abuse he was in multiple organ failure. He'd been estranged from his family for years and lived in FL. My son wanted to drive down (from Iowa!) and see him and DH and I talked him out of it; we had no idea how long he'd live, we weren't sure what the Ex would look like after so many years, and DS would be around strangers at an emotional time. We settled on calling the hospital and letting DS talk to his Dad one last time even though he was in a coma. (My Ex's sister did the same thing.) That was 8 years ago and DS is still fine with that decision.
It's sad but sometimes there's no reason to rush to someone's bedside. Your decision was practical and generous.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on May 5, 2019 10:20:30 GMT -5
This is not the time to do a forced reconciliation. If he gets better, you might consider it at a time when you both are prepared for it. Or not, if you don’t want to. Sending money is being very generous. That is the part my brain is not getting or maybe I am an asshole. Everyone feel the need to remind me he is my father... believe me I know which is why the anger is so deeply rooted; how as my father did you let everything that happened to me happen or play a hand/part in it. My mom tried the: if it was me; would you do the same. My answer : if you had treated me the same; yes I would. Then she asks if I have spoken to him: no. Why not? Because we have not spoken to each other in months... since the last blow up when I told him I was done for good. I gave it one last try because of my daughter and I felt it was not my place to keep her from having a relationship with him but realizing he has not changed ; why bother? Oh but he is in the hospital? And that changes what? He is in the hospital so suddenly I should forget and forgive and play the dutiful son? Call and pretend nothing ever happened? Here is my deal: if he can die without ever apologizing for the part he played then I can live the rest of my life not forgiving him. Or I will reconsider when he is 6 foot under. I was told I am the devil spawn for saying that... I told my mom when she walks a mile In my shoes and considered taking her own life because the prospect of living another day was worse then she can tell me how I should feel. Until then... As of this morning I guess he got worse from yesterday. One of my friends that is a Dr is going to go see him today. Money was sent! I kept thinking this since this whole ordeal started and I may go to hell for this but I just kept thinking: would have been much easier if he had just died. This whole thing is putting everyone in limbo and me having to deal with a side of my family that 16 years ago I walked away from and never looked back. I have not seen my biological father or any member of his family in 16 years (except for the brother I kept contact with that visited 2 years ago) and people still can’t seem to understand. Haiti is not that far and I have been to Haiti (going in June again for DW high school reunion) and still did not plan on seeing him.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 5, 2019 11:14:13 GMT -5
I am sorry, Carl. You need to do what you can live with and not let anyone guilt you into doing what they think is right. You are the one who was the recipient of his actions, no one else.
Being a sperm donor is biology and not the same as being a father. Those 2 are often confused.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2019 11:26:48 GMT -5
I am sorry, Carl. You need to do what you can live with and not let anyone guilt you into doing what they think is right. You are the one who was the recipient of his actions, no one else. Being a sperm donor is biology and not the same as being a father. Those 2 are often confused. Sorry you're dealing with this Carl.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 5, 2019 11:37:30 GMT -5
I’m so sorry. Not as much for the fact that the sperm donor is sick but for the fact that he wasn’t a dal father to you. I wouldn’t go but I also can’t forgive the mistreatment of a child
You do what is right for you and screw what anyone else has to say
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on May 5, 2019 11:46:47 GMT -5
Not a mother or father, each of us has to deal with what works for them, no judgment from me.
MIL is 12 miles away, I may see her every 2 months. Hubs does not like it, he is there every 2 days, no one was there for me either when I desperately needed help and they knew I did. They didn't have anyone else in the family that did. I know its more then me, her gdaughter lives maybe 4 blocks from assisted living. Her ggdaughter works there for gods sake and won't even let her know it. There is something very wrong that none of these people go to see her either. When he nags enough I will again check on clothing and any needs. They finally got her getting her hair done there weekly so I no longer have to try to find an "old lady beautician", that really helps. I do need to see she has foot care again. I also make sure all her finances are cared for. I do what I know is right, kind of like Carl, but the emotional part is not there for me either. My children missed what should have been a wonderful experience with grandparents. We are going to do everything we can to make our grandsons the best we can, its just we are so durned old. I want his memories to be how much we love him and how excited we are to see him.
She had her final arrangements made, I will see they are carried out when the time comes, whether hubs is alive or not. Also if something should happen to him, all will be taken care of and continue forward. But I have no emotional investment in it.
I guess I'm another cold hearted person.
This is most assuredly not a mom or dad, but still a person I wanted to love and have close to our family. His dad didn't act like he cared much for the gkids, his mom maybe but not enough I guess.
To have that be your parents Carl would be heartbreaking, I think you are a fine man, doing good for your father, so what that people talk.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on May 5, 2019 11:55:20 GMT -5
I wouldn't go, not even sure I would send money. I will say that I would look at the not forgiving. But then I don't view forgiving as starting a new slate or trusting/wanting a relationship again. Forgiving means letting go of the hate, anger, towards the person. It doesn't mean jumping into society defined roles of blood relationships.
Forgive and move on, it doesn't mean moving on with the person.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 5, 2019 11:55:36 GMT -5
From where I am sitting, you do not owe a sperm donor anything. Even less for mistreating a child, you.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on May 5, 2019 11:56:36 GMT -5
I am sorry, Carl. You need to do what you can live with and not let anyone guilt you into doing what they think is right. You are the one who was the recipient of his actions, no one else. Being a sperm donor is biology and not the same as being a father. Those 2 are often confused. Yeah that.
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janee
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Post by janee on May 5, 2019 12:05:15 GMT -5
Carl, so sorry you're going through this. No, I would not go. You are incredibly generous to do what you did. Don't try to explain your decision to others. Just say "I'm making the best decision for me right now". Keep saying it, don't get into it with others.
No matter what happens with him, don't regret anything. Count your blessings--you've earned them!
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on May 5, 2019 12:29:27 GMT -5
Enough of the emotional shit... now let’s talk money which is the subject I brought up with my mom. No one has approached the subject but my mom and I are too practical not too.
He is 65-66... if he makes a full recovery, even with that the Dr said he will need to slow down work wise. He is currently the sole provider for a daughter that is 14-15, 1 son that is 18-19 and the other son is 19-20. Plus you have the son I have kept contact with that is 26-27... none of them have jobs, and the 26-27 year old should be graduating in June and has been job hunting. Even so, doubtful his first job will be able to provide for a family of 4. He has twin sons (18-19) in Florida but their mother mostly provide for them or will have too.
So even with a full recovery, finances are dicey and off course we don’t have a full picture just pasting together pieces and bites of information.
If he survives but cannot work? How much does he have saved? If any? The only good thing is the family home is paid for and under my name (so I know that was not mortgaged away or loans taken on it or people he may or may not owe cannot come for it).
it it a very large home (7,000 sqft); 7 bedrooms , 5 bathrooms and 2 1/2 bathrooms, 2 bedrooms + 1 bath in the maid area. the good thing : all siblings can stay there as long as they want, get married and have kids and stay there. would have to figure out the property taxes.
If he dies; what happen to the kids? I already took on and paid for university for 1 of them (brother i keep contact with; that was it for me. can the mother of the youngest one take her in? Last i heard she got re-married and have another kid. the other boys? I will stay away from that since she tried to kill me (no jokes).
how far/how long does this finance support extend too?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2019 12:46:12 GMT -5
Only one of his kids (the 14-15 year old) is going to need help if he dies and it really isn't your obligation, the mother should be the one taking her in. The other "kids" are all adults.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 5, 2019 12:46:30 GMT -5
Carl;
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I also have a sperm donor who abandoned me. He found out my email address a couple of years ago and sent me a message asking me to connect with him. ' I never answered it.
I have forgiven him many years ago but I don't want any contact. If he were in the hospital and needed financial support, I would wish him the best but I wouldn't send any money.
You are doing more than enough. Don't let others guilt you into anything you don't want.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 5, 2019 13:07:57 GMT -5
As cold-hearted as this may sound, you are not responsible at all for him and his children.
I would never entertain the idea of supporting them, at all.
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Cheesy FL-Vol
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Post by Cheesy FL-Vol on May 5, 2019 13:57:54 GMT -5
Only one of his kids (the 14-15 year old) is going to need help if he dies and it really isn't your obligation, the mother should be the one taking her in. The other "kids" are all adults.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 5, 2019 14:53:41 GMT -5
Only one of his kids (the 14-15 year old) is going to need help if he dies and it really isn't your obligation, the mother should be the one taking her in. The other "kids" are all adults. This. It may be cultural, but why are you considering supporting the other children. The adult children should be on their own. The teenager should be taken care of financially by this mother. I realize it's a different culture because your mother is guilt tripping you. I would feel no obligation at all to a sperm donor.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2019 15:10:24 GMT -5
I kind of roll my eyes to the whole Haitian, "we take care of our own" thing, because it sure doesn't seem like it to me. It seems more like a "we're a bunch of mooches" culture. If they took care of their own they wouldn't need distant relatives to pay their bills...and yes, I consider you to be a distant relative of your half siblings in this situation. You might seem rich to them, but you're not. You have lots of debt, your own pile of student loans to deal with and saving for your daughters college. Why are you even considering short changing your daughter to send money to adults that don't even bother to hold a job?
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on May 5, 2019 15:26:12 GMT -5
The other "kids" are all adults.
I agree 100% with MPL. All of the other 'kids' are adults, and how will they grow up if you keep supporting them? They need to learn to do for themselves. You have your own family to support, and be the best dad and husband you can be.
Sending funds for his medical care is a good thing to do, but I would back off sending too much more. The family might become dependent on you and that won't be good.
Take care of you and your immediate family.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 5, 2019 15:27:03 GMT -5
Carl, hugs if you'd like some. This sounds really stressful. My only thought is to do what you'll regret the least. Agreed. I'm still processing my Mom's death from Jan 2018 and the quick rearranging of everything to get out there. Decide on what you want to happen, what's likely to happen, and then start planning from there. FWIW, I forgot Haiti is south of Cuba until I was researching something else. Culture can be a big hurdle. I'm still smarting over how I was not allowed any formal part of the memorial service per POA Sis. Maybe that's what she wanted for herself, but I felt like a bystander to my own Mother's memorial service. She had her immediate family do all the readings, her hubby, her kids, and me, my somewhat doppleganger sib had no part in the service. None of her three daughters spoke! Only her grand-daughter and grandson, because apparently only D's vision of family counts. I didn't realize until a day or so after my Birthday this April, that I am the matriarch of this piece part of the family now, ... i.e. the three sisters. Anyway, mediatate, do some finanial and work planning and go with what you can.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 5, 2019 15:52:32 GMT -5
You did a remarkable amount for the family so far, Carl. I realize your family philosophy is "we take care of our own," but your own need to extend a hand to themselves sometimes, instead of extending their hands to you for handouts. You have your own family now. What if fortunes were reversed and you had to ask them for money? You think you'd get any? If they answer is "Hell no!" then the Bank of Carl needs to close. Helping your bio dad is generous, given what he did to you. Move forward and remind yourself not to look back. It's no prettier back there than it was when you left it a long time ago.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 5, 2019 17:31:09 GMT -5
Not your circus or your monkeys. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, especially those you help support already.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on May 5, 2019 17:44:04 GMT -5
Carl I haven't talked to my dad in almost two decades. I don't wish anything bad on him but there's no love lost and I don't understand how someone can have a kid and not at least attempt to have a relationship with them. I found out 11 years ago his mother was dying and she tried reaching out. I didn't respond because she never wanted to work on a relationship when I was growing up and there was nothing to say or salvage by then. You and only you can decide how much you want to do because you're the one that ultimately has to live with that decision. Good luck on whatever you decide.
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