dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Apr 12, 2019 21:38:41 GMT -5
That's probably because you're all fancy and stuff and have fashion sense and skills and whatnot and this has enabled you to cultivate an image of polish and sophistication and you actually know how to choose clothes that look nice and don't scare people. I'd wear that shirt in a heartbeat. It's got leopard spots and tropical flowers and who knows what else on it. It's a mess. I'm a mess. We're made for each other. I actually really want that shirt (but it would have to have longer sleeves as I have a birthmark I've been self-conscious about all my life). If I could find that in my size with longer sleeves, it would be my new favorite shirt. And if they have anything with flowers or some bright abstract design superimposed on a giraffe pattern, I'd be all over that, too. I'd wear those shirts with black pants, though. I'm a mess, but I'm not a psychopath. Danny lion - you're still my linguistics crush. I don't think that shirt has enough purple in it for you, personally. ETA: I'm not fancy! I did work really hard to figure out what looks good on me, especially over the past decade with 2 babies and resulting 75-100lb weight swings. It took a really long time and a singnificant effort, and I know not everyone can/wants to devote time or energy or value or money to that, which is absolutely fine! ETA2: I still can't endorse that shirt. We will find you a different hot mess of a shirt. More purple.Will it have a giraffe-spot pattern on it somewhere? I like the pattern on giraffe fur. I think having a shirt with giraffe-spot pattern on it somewhere would make me look taller.
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laterbloomer
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Post by laterbloomer on Apr 12, 2019 21:41:23 GMT -5
I kept looking for the missing paragraph, the one that explained why they didn't go to the wedding. I also find it strange she remembers her first sighting of the future DIL in great detail but can't remember what her son said when he explained why his IL's were insulted. She left some glaring gaps in the story.
I've had 2 cousins and an uncle cut their mothers out of their lives for a time. One cousin claimed her father had abused her and no one did anything about it. She made this claim many years after it was supposed to have happened and no one did anything about it because no one saw what she claims happened. She finally reconnected with her mother after 5 years or so. The other cousin had a husband her parents didn't like so we figure that played a part. We also suspect they supported themselves selling drugs, we don't have that kind of family so we think she distanced herself and her kids so we wouldn't find out. She's back in the fold now that she's divorced and her kids are grown. The uncle was the strangest one. He went from being his mother's favourite to not even acknowledging her existence for 10 or 15 years. He never explained why and no one, including his wife, could talk to him about it. His mother was a manipulative witch and I can think of a hundred good reasons to disown her. The weird part was the way he wouldn't even acknowledge comments made about her or references to her. He was weird too obviously.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Apr 12, 2019 22:19:19 GMT -5
Danny lion - you're still my linguistics crush. I don't think that shirt has enough purple in it for you, personally. ETA: I'm not fancy! I did work really hard to figure out what looks good on me, especially over the past decade with 2 babies and resulting 75-100lb weight swings. It took a really long time and a singnificant effort, and I know not everyone can/wants to devote time or energy or value or money to that, which is absolutely fine! ETA2: I still can't endorse that shirt. We will find you a different hot mess of a shirt. More purple.Will it have a giraffe-spot pattern on it somewhere? I like the pattern on giraffe fur. I think having a shirt with giraffe-spot pattern on it somewhere would make me look taller. Definitely giraffe-print. I have giraffe-print physical therapy tape for my back and I lurve it.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 13, 2019 12:11:31 GMT -5
I have no idea what happened to this relationship. I can say it would kill me if my child cut me out of their life. I have had a parent pick up and move 8 hours away but my love for my child is beyond words. I wouldn’t be stubborn about it though. She and I would solve whatever the issue was or my fat ass would be planted at her house until we did!
Life is too short to hold petty grudges towards people you love. Everyone else can duck off, though
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Apr 13, 2019 12:21:49 GMT -5
I love my son and daughter, never wanted kids but wouldn't take a million dollars for either of them. We get along fine. DIL is odd, but I will work at it mainly for grandson and son. I will have to coddle and grovel most likely but I can do it as we are not together often.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 13, 2019 22:22:51 GMT -5
I think I’ve spent too much time reading justnomil on reddit recently...
My mother threw an incredible tantrum on hearing that I was engaged. Really incredible. My father tried to point out I hadn’t actually done anything wrong in the midst of it and she screamed/wailed „I wasted my life on you!!!“ in response. And yes, repeating over and over again that she just wouldn’t come to the wedding featured heavily. It wasn’t the first time she’s lost it; I do think there is definitely mental illness there...She was quite shocked when I told her we decided we in fact didn’t want her there unless she sincerely apologized, and stuck to my guns.
I could totally see my mother copping this kind of attitude. I feel bad for the son.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Apr 14, 2019 16:24:26 GMT -5
I think I’ve spent too much time reading justnomil on reddit recently... My mother threw an incredible tantrum on hearing that I was engaged. Really incredible. My father tried to point out I hadn’t actually done anything wrong in the midst of it and she screamed/wailed „I wasted my life on you!!!“ in response. And yes, repeating over and over again that she just wouldn’t come to the wedding featured heavily. It wasn’t the first time she’s lost it; I do think there is definitely mental illness there...She was quite shocked when I told her we decided we in fact didn’t want her there unless she sincerely apologized, and stuck to my guns. I could totally see my mother copping this kind of attitude. I feel bad for the son. crikey, lurkyloo! Did she apologize? did she have any basis for such an outburst? Like you were on the verge of some huge professional thing you'd trained for for years she thought you'd abandon? Not that there's any excuse, of course, but I just don't get even the phrasing of it? Were you quite young?
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Apr 15, 2019 11:20:08 GMT -5
I think I’ve spent too much time reading justnomil on reddit recently... My mother threw an incredible tantrum on hearing that I was engaged. Really incredible. My father tried to point out I hadn’t actually done anything wrong in the midst of it and she screamed/wailed „I wasted my life on you!!!“ in response. And yes, repeating over and over again that she just wouldn’t come to the wedding featured heavily. It wasn’t the first time she’s lost it; I do think there is definitely mental illness there...She was quite shocked when I told her we decided we in fact didn’t want her there unless she sincerely apologized, and stuck to my guns. I could totally see my mother copping this kind of attitude. I feel bad for the son. My nephew's MIL literally lay down on the floor and had a tantrum just like a toddler, kicking and screaming, when DN and his fiancé told MIL they would be honeymooning at an inclusive Mexican resort.
MIL believed every person who visited Mexico was raped/kidnapped/murdered. They ended up having to change their honeymoon plans.
I'm always amazed when grown ass adults pitch screaming fits. My mom was the opposite - she was the Queen of the silent treatment - I guess that's why the temper tantrums amaze me.
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oped
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Post by oped on Apr 15, 2019 12:50:49 GMT -5
No that is a sight that would and should amaze anyone I think...
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 15, 2019 20:08:48 GMT -5
I think I’ve spent too much time reading justnomil on reddit recently... My mother threw an incredible tantrum on hearing that I was engaged. Really incredible. My father tried to point out I hadn’t actually done anything wrong in the midst of it and she screamed/wailed „I wasted my life on you!!!“ in response. And yes, repeating over and over again that she just wouldn’t come to the wedding featured heavily. It wasn’t the first time she’s lost it; I do think there is definitely mental illness there...She was quite shocked when I told her we decided we in fact didn’t want her there unless she sincerely apologized, and stuck to my guns. I could totally see my mother copping this kind of attitude. I feel bad for the son. crikey, lurkyloo! Did she apologize? did she have any basis for such an outburst? Like you were on the verge of some huge professional thing you'd trained for for years she thought you'd abandon? Not that there's any excuse, of course, but I just don't get even the phrasing of it? Were you quite young? I was 30, stably employed, and had been living with my incredible now-husband for a couple of years. She was angry because she guessed (wrongly) that we had already told my dad, angry because she had Expectations about being involved and made to feel special, angry because we had decided on a tiny wedding with no extended family (DH had 16 blood related aunts and uncles, plus hundreds of cousins and second cousins, with major family feuds on both sides). She was also delusional about the kind of relationship she had with me. Like I said, I’m pretty sure she has mental illness. There are some incredibly inappropriate behaviors from my childhood. She liked to make suicide threats a family affair. I remember being maybe eight or nine and trying frantically to figure out how to hide all the knives and poisons in the house, wondering if she‘d be there when ai came home from school. She...sort of apologized. At the last minute when I made it absolutely clear that it was her last chance, and it was the angriest „I’m Sorry“ I’ve ever heard. The whole thing pretty much blew up any interest I have in having a relationship with anyone on that side of the family except my dad. I tried hard to move past it...but eventually realized that I and my husband and kid will always be an afterthought to her, and I don’t want DS exposed to how she treats my dad. Thanks for letting me vent.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 15, 2019 20:10:18 GMT -5
Duplicate post. I think once was enough for that one.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Apr 16, 2019 1:30:22 GMT -5
crikey, lurkyloo! Did she apologize? did she have any basis for such an outburst? Like you were on the verge of some huge professional thing you'd trained for for years she thought you'd abandon? Not that there's any excuse, of course, but I just don't get even the phrasing of it? Were you quite young? I was 30, stably employed, and had been living with my incredible now-husband for a couple of years. She was angry because she guessed (wrongly) that we had already told my dad, angry because she had Expectations about being involved and made to feel special, angry because we had decided on a tiny wedding with no extended family (DH had 16 blood related aunts and uncles, plus hundreds of cousins and second cousins, with major family feuds on both sides). She was also delusional about the kind of relationship she had with me. Like I said, I’m pretty sure she has mental illness. There are some incredibly inappropriate behaviors from my childhood. She liked to make suicide threats a family affair. I remember being maybe eight or nine and trying frantically to figure out how to hide all the knives and poisons in the house, wondering if she‘d be there when ai came home from school. She...sort of apologized. At the last minute when I made it absolutely clear that it was her last chance, and it was the angriest „I’m Sorry“ I’ve ever heard. The whole thing pretty much blew up any interest I have in having a relationship with anyone on that side of the family except my dad. I tried hard to move past it...but eventually realized that I and my husband and kid will always be an afterthought to her, and I don’t want DS exposed to how she treats my dad. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry. Took me til 50 to have that clarity so you are ahead of me for sure.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 16, 2019 6:39:30 GMT -5
I was 30, stably employed, and had been living with my incredible now-husband for a couple of years. She was angry because she guessed (wrongly) that we had already told my dad, angry because she had Expectations about being involved and made to feel special, angry because we had decided on a tiny wedding with no extended family (DH had 16 blood related aunts and uncles, plus hundreds of cousins and second cousins, with major family feuds on both sides). She was also delusional about the kind of relationship she had with me. Like I said, I’m pretty sure she has mental illness. There are some incredibly inappropriate behaviors from my childhood. She liked to make suicide threats a family affair. I remember being maybe eight or nine and trying frantically to figure out how to hide all the knives and poisons in the house, wondering if she‘d be there when ai came home from school. She...sort of apologized. At the last minute when I made it absolutely clear that it was her last chance, and it was the angriest „I’m Sorry“ I’ve ever heard. The whole thing pretty much blew up any interest I have in having a relationship with anyone on that side of the family except my dad. I tried hard to move past it...but eventually realized that I and my husband and kid will always be an afterthought to her, and I don’t want DS exposed to how she treats my dad. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry. Took me til 50 to have that clarity so you are ahead of me for sure. Parents are human too...sometimes too much so. Like you, I was her scapegoat...and my alcoholic younger brother is her golden child. Seeing her continue the pattern on to my kid and his kid was my breaking point. It helps that my dad fully admits that she’s awful. FWIW, I think you’re doing a great job at life in general
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Apr 16, 2019 17:05:46 GMT -5
Sorry. Took me til 50 to have that clarity so you are ahead of me for sure. Parents are human too...sometimes too much so. Like you, I was her scapegoat...and my alcoholic younger brother is her golden child. Seeing her continue the pattern on to my kid and his kid was my breaking point. It helps that my dad fully admits that she’s awful. FWIW, I think you’re doing a great job at life in general Thanks so much!
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Apr 16, 2019 17:22:22 GMT -5
Sorry. Took me til 50 to have that clarity so you are ahead of me for sure. Parents are human too...sometimes too much so. Like you, I was her scapegoat...and my alcoholic younger brother is her golden child. Seeing her continue the pattern on to my kid and his kid was my breaking point. It helps that my dad fully admits that she’s awful. FWIW, I think you’re doing a great job at life in general I’m sorry about your sucky mom. Are your parents still married (to each other)? <— Realized none of my business but just curious. Don’t answer if you don’t want to.
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lund
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Post by lund on Apr 17, 2019 15:47:44 GMT -5
I wonder if the mother is the kind who thinks that saying whatever goes through her brain should be OK because she is the mother and knows best, and the new DIL is the kind whose widdle feeeevings are huuuuuet anytime somebody is not praising her to the highest heavens?
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Apr 17, 2019 15:58:58 GMT -5
Sorry. Took me til 50 to have that clarity so you are ahead of me for sure. Parents are human too...sometimes too much so. Like you, I was her scapegoat...and my alcoholic younger brother is her golden child. Seeing her continue the pattern on to my kid and his kid was my breaking point. It helps that my dad fully admits that she’s awful. FWIW, I think you’re doing a great job at life in general I was fortunate in my family being a middle child - the oldest was my mom's scape goat and the youngest the golden child. The two middle kids were able to fly under the radar, which was a good thing, in my family.
That said, my mom wasn't as bad as yours sounds. She mostly gave us the cold shoulder, with occasional rage filled physical violence, but at least she didn't threaten suicide. Oh, and my mom was 'disappointed' when I announced my engagement, but I didn't get a temper tantrum, just an extended sulk and a lecture about how I would have to live next door to her so she could raise my kids because DH and I weren't capable, plus multiple lectures on how DH was only marrying me because he wanted me to support him. (She told my other sister the same thing about her DH - apparently she couldn't think of any reason a man would want to marry her two middle daughters other than projected income).
Aren't crazy mom's fun.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 17, 2019 17:06:30 GMT -5
I wonder if the mother is the kind who thinks that saying whatever goes through her brain should be OK because she is the mother and knows best, and the new DIL is the kind whose widdle feeeevings are huuuuuet anytime somebody is not praising her to the highest heavens? Wow.
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oped
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Post by oped on Apr 17, 2019 17:10:21 GMT -5
I wonder if the mother is the kind who thinks that saying whatever goes through her brain should be OK because she is the mother and knows best, and the new DIL is the kind whose widdle feeeevings are huuuuuet anytime somebody is not praising her to the highest heavens? Wow. How is this different from the rest of the speculation and projection that has made up this thread?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 17, 2019 18:57:09 GMT -5
How is this different from the rest of the speculation and projection that has made up this thread? Pretty sure I wasn't too supportive of any of the rest of it either. In fact, I believe I mentioned that the DIL may be the source. As to why I commented now and not previously - not sure. Maybe I'm lonely, maybe I hate baby talk?
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 17, 2019 19:58:01 GMT -5
Parents are human too...sometimes too much so. Like you, I was her scapegoat...and my alcoholic younger brother is her golden child. Seeing her continue the pattern on to my kid and his kid was my breaking point. It helps that my dad fully admits that she’s awful. FWIW, I think you’re doing a great job at life in general I’m sorry about your sucky mom. Are your parents still married (to each other)? <— Realized none of my business but just curious. Don’t answer if you don’t want to. Yes. It’s an inertia thing. They did the traditional 1950s roles-he worked; she did all the housework and childcare and bitched about him all the time; his progressive hearing loss came in handy. Right now he spends half the year in FL while she stays full time in $COLDNORTHERNSTATE, which I think is quite a relief to him.
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lurkyloo
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“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 17, 2019 20:14:43 GMT -5
Parents are human too...sometimes too much so. Like you, I was her scapegoat...and my alcoholic younger brother is her golden child. Seeing her continue the pattern on to my kid and his kid was my breaking point. It helps that my dad fully admits that she’s awful. FWIW, I think you’re doing a great job at life in general I was fortunate in my family being a middle child - the oldest was my mom's scape goat and the youngest the golden child. The two middle kids were able to fly under the radar, which was a good thing, in my family.
That said, my mom wasn't as bad as yours sounds. She mostly gave us the cold shoulder, with occasional rage filled physical violence, but at least she didn't threaten suicide. Oh, and my mom was 'disappointed' when I announced my engagement, but I didn't get a temper tantrum, just an extended sulk and a lecture about how I would have to live next door to her so she could raise my kids because DH and I weren't capable, plus multiple lectures on how DH was only marrying me because he wanted me to support him. (She told my other sister the same thing about her DH - apparently she couldn't think of any reason a man would want to marry her two middle daughters other than projected income).
Aren't crazy mom's fun.
Ugh. Sorry to hear it. Some of them are so far gone I think the only healthy approach is to basically turn it into a Mom’s-crazy-behavior drinking game
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lund
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Post by lund on Apr 18, 2019 2:32:37 GMT -5
Yes, there are really bad mothers out there. I'm surprised that many of their children manage to turn out normal!
But, really bad daughters in law exist too. I've seen one case where the DIL worked hard on shit-talking her H's family to anybody around, and on cutting him off from them. He managed to escape and divorce. Then she went on to marry one of his friends, who did not. He is now completely cut off from anybody he knew before the marriage.
I never saw any of her tantrums, but they were said to be potential winners in a champion contest for spoiled 2 1/2 year olds....
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Apr 18, 2019 6:49:25 GMT -5
Yes, there are really bad mothers out there. I'm surprised that many of their children manage to turn out normal! But, really bad daughters in law exist too. I've seen one case where the DIL worked hard on shit-talking her H's family to anybody around, and on cutting him off from them. He managed to escape and divorce. Then she went on to marry one of his friends, who did not. He is now completely cut off from anybody he knew before the marriage. I never saw any of her tantrums, but they were said to be potential winners in a champion contest for spoiled 2 1/2 year olds.... Sure there is plenty of that, too. My nephew's wife ended up being as volatile and as tantrum prone as her mom, always packing up and leaving him for the most bizarre reasons (I think she just liked the drama of storming back home to her parents, forcing him to come begging her back).
Finally, he just didn't go begging her back and instead asked for a divorce. I think it shocked her. She's since posted things on facebook about having regrets. Unfortunately for her, (fortunately for DN) he found a drama free woman to marry.
Plenty of crazy to go around.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Apr 18, 2019 6:55:07 GMT -5
I was fortunate in my family being a middle child - the oldest was my mom's scape goat and the youngest the golden child. The two middle kids were able to fly under the radar, which was a good thing, in my family.
That said, my mom wasn't as bad as yours sounds. She mostly gave us the cold shoulder, with occasional rage filled physical violence, but at least she didn't threaten suicide. Oh, and my mom was 'disappointed' when I announced my engagement, but I didn't get a temper tantrum, just an extended sulk and a lecture about how I would have to live next door to her so she could raise my kids because DH and I weren't capable, plus multiple lectures on how DH was only marrying me because he wanted me to support him. (She told my other sister the same thing about her DH - apparently she couldn't think of any reason a man would want to marry her two middle daughters other than projected income).
Aren't crazy mom's fun.
Ugh. Sorry to hear it. Some of them are so far gone I think the only healthy approach is to basically turn it into a Mom’s-crazy-behavior drinking game I've benefited from my crazy mom upbringing by imaging what my mom would do in my situation, and then doing the opposite.
So it wasn't all worthless.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Apr 18, 2019 8:41:30 GMT -5
I've avoided a lot of my mothers bad behavior but not all.
I am very vigilant about this and mostly it stays in my head and not voiced or acted on.
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justme
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Post by justme on Apr 18, 2019 8:59:47 GMT -5
It's not that DILs can't be bad, it's that in the case of the original OP she gave no concrete reasons why she would be. If you're portraying yourself as the innocent one and you have specific proof of being wronged - why wouldn't you use it?
If what she said at the bridal shower was innocuous or taken out of proportion why wouldn't she say "all I did was mention that the food was cold"?
I'm kind of an advice junkie (part good columnists part omg this idiot has an advice column) and while the letters of course always tilt towards the one writing it - the ones that rely heavily on emotion or don't give any specifics are always red flags. As well as the ones that at point at least a little to their fallacies.
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laterbloomer
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Post by laterbloomer on Apr 18, 2019 9:03:59 GMT -5
It's not that DILs can't be bad, it's that in the case of the original OP she gave no concrete reasons why she would be. If you're portraying yourself as the innocent one and you have specific proof of being wronged - why wouldn't you use it? If what she said at the bridal shower was innocuous or taken out of proportion why wouldn't she say "all I did was mention that the food was cold"?
I'm kind of an advice junkie (part good columnists part omg this idiot has an advice column) and while the letters of course always tilt towards the one writing it - the ones that rely heavily on emotion or don't give any specifics are always red flags. As well as the ones that at point at least a little to their fallacies. Where did this info come from? I seem to be missing part of the story.
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justme
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Post by justme on Apr 18, 2019 9:23:02 GMT -5
It's not that DILs can't be bad, it's that in the case of the original OP she gave no concrete reasons why she would be. If you're portraying yourself as the innocent one and you have specific proof of being wronged - why wouldn't you use it? If what she said at the bridal shower was innocuous or taken out of proportion why wouldn't she say "all I did was mention that the food was cold"?
I'm kind of an advice junkie (part good columnists part omg this idiot has an advice column) and while the letters of course always tilt towards the one writing it - the ones that rely heavily on emotion or don't give any specifics are always red flags. As well as the ones that at point at least a little to their fallacies. Where did this info come from? I seem to be missing part of the story. From the article. She paraphrased what he said as something about her being unfriendly. Doesn't mention what they said she did/said it's just "something".
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Apr 18, 2019 9:40:47 GMT -5
I could easily be the DIL in this story (I'm not). My MIL pretty much openly hates me. In the beginning things were fine. Hubs and I eloped so I didn't meet her until 4 months after we were married (We lived in Alaska and they lived in Tennessee). First meeting was fine, she was slightly clingy, I bent over backwards to be polite and social. For the most part we got along fine for the first few years.
I learned to ignore her subtle digs about me "robbing" her of a wedding by eloping. When we'd go to TN to visit she'd spend the entire visit talking to DH about people I'd never met. Family gossip, neighbors, etc. It was her attempt to exclude me and focus on my husband. He's her only child. His whole life she either was obsessively all about him or she flat out ignored him when she'd be in a new relationship. His dad died when he was 5 and she went through several relationships and marriages.
They lived on a lake. I hate fish. She'd make fish every night for dinner and when I'd only eat the side dishes she'd pull the "why doesn't Sheila like my cooking?" I'd remind her that I'm not a fan of fish. The next night it would be the same thing.
We taught our son that he was in charge of his body. She demanded a hug when he was 4 or so and he didn't want to give her one. I told him "you don't have to hug Oma, but please be nice and welcome her to our house" She flipped out, told my husband she'd never felt so unwelcome in her entire life and left. (Then called DH an hour later to tell him she was looking forward to seeing us soon).
She used to call DH and tell him "hey Kendra got divorced, you should give her a call" When DH had an affair years ago she told him she liked the mistress better and that he'd be happier with her.
She's done dozens of other things over the years. His last three therapists have told him that she is toxic and he should limit his contact with her. We haven't seen her in over 10 years.
To hear her tell it she's the victim. I'm the evil witch who tricked her son into eloping so I could steal him from his family.
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