oped
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Post by oped on Apr 12, 2019 6:40:46 GMT -5
I didn’t get this at all from the post. That she was the mother and mother in law from hell. Well, I think it depends on the lens. The thing that threw me off, actually, was not all the wedding stuff..but this: This is what I count on my husband for. Emotional support. Helping me adult. I've never asked my kids these things. Nor would I.
Only because I was asked to be my mom's emotional support, her closest friend, etc. when I was a child, and I realized as an adult it wasn't appropriate.
My mom is only interested in being with folks that want to be in a dysfunctional, codependent relationship with her. She's not interested in trying to be in a healthy relationship. She would rather give me the silent treatment than respect my boundaries, all the while saying I've abandoned her.
My mom also put me first, with the expectation that I would do the same. Even after I married. Even after I had kids. Really. Once when I was still in high school, I dared to tell my mom I couldn't promise her that I'd be able to quit my job, move home and take care of my parents when they were old. That was enough to cause her to stop talking to me for a while, and again worry about abandonment. Like everything else...the truth is somewhere in the middle.
I haven't abandoned my parents. I only ask that they respect my (healthy) boundaries. My mom has patently turned me down. I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do. The other thing that bothered me was the mom inserting herself into the proposal like that. As a mom of a son, myself, I can't imagine hearing about his plans to propose, calling up DH, and then saying "here's what we decided we are going to do." I mean, that doesn't really seem the time to insert myself into a situation without being asked. And this language:
I correct my minor kids. Actually I don't even "correct" DS all that much. I find it very off-putting that the mother decided that her adult son needed parenting like a 8 year old. We have these conversations with our kids all the time. I am not "stunned" by them. My kids get the usual answer "Every family makes their own choices. There's no right or wrong. It's just what works best for families. When you are older and have your own family, you'll get to make your own decisions." The wedding mishap, I'm more inclined to not pass judgement on. We don't know if the DIL was a bridezilla or what. But the other stuff...that has nothing to do with the wife, and everything to do with the mother and the son.
If he thought I didn’t know anything about how kids sports worked and I did, why wouldn’t I correct that misconception? This is like a Rorschach test... everyone bringing their own baggage into it...
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Apr 12, 2019 7:11:03 GMT -5
I didn’t get this at all from the post. That she was the mother and mother in law from hell. I think when someone reads this account, they see it through their own experiences.
When the woman who wrote this skips over things, like going from 'son and DIL aren't coming to reception' right over to 'we're not going to the wedding' or when she keeps insisting she has no idea why her DIL doesn't like her, that is 100% how my mom behaved.
Mom ruined most of her relationships with her family, but to hear her side of things, either the other side was completely at fault, or she had no idea what went wrong. She ran her oldest daughter out of the family through her constant verbal and physical abuse, but to hear her tell it, she variously blamed bad genes from my Dad's side, my father, or my second oldest sister for driving the oldest away. She went to her death insisting she never used corporal punishment on us, ever, but that was a lie. She beat us with wire hangers, yard sticks, hair brushes, and brooms. She even kept a wire hanger on the kitchen door so she could beat us with it if we didn't eat breakfast fast enough (she hated having to drive us to school if we missed the bus). So to me, this mom's letter reminds me very much of my own mom's 'memory lapses.'
However, someone who grew up in different circumstances probably wouldn't interpret the letter that way. Certainly there are kids who get married and cut off relations with their family like this woman describes. We'd really have to grill her in person to confirm what happened - and I doubt she'd want to do that
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oped
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Post by oped on Apr 12, 2019 7:31:25 GMT -5
I haven’t read the OP. I find reading everyone’s reactions much more interesting.
Yes everyone reading is bringing their own baggage.
Also, I’ll need to go back, but it’s a telling difference who is using their experience as a child of an adult... and those using their experience as the parent of an adult...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 12, 2019 8:34:13 GMT -5
I was raised by an abusive mother. I also cut ties with her for many years while my family pressured me to make peace. Even if I didn’t like my kids significant other, I’d be careful how to present it. I wonder if the daughter in law is an only child?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 12, 2019 9:57:43 GMT -5
If he thought I didn’t know anything about how kids sports worked and I did, why wouldn’t I correct that misconception? This is like a Rorschach test... everyone bringing their own baggage into it... Again, my own lens. To correct means you are right and the other person is wrong. Which also then implies that you are the good/winner/better person and the other person is the bad/loser/ person. It's ripe for setting up being adversaries instead of on the same team.
I've also found with my own kids blanket statements that are untrue aren't actually about the untrue topic. For example, DS is on a kick that we spend more time with DD1 than we did with him when he was 11. Which is patently untrue. Now, I could correct him, but I know darn well that he won't listen to any correction and come around to my viewpoint . He'll twist it and use it to further justify his position. So, rather than correct him, we engage him in dialogue. "Hey, what's going on." And then we get to problem solving. "I'd like to do more x with Dad." Fine. We can work with that.
Which is what I would prefer to do over insulting everyone's intelligence by asking my son if he understands there's a difference between me being his den leader for 3 years and me being DD1's den leader for 6 months, and that three years is more than 6 months. Despite the fact that his grades are not hot, I know he understands that three years is more than 6 months. I just don't see a need to remind him of that, especially when it will still get us no where.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Apr 12, 2019 10:02:07 GMT -5
Ok, I read it, and the lady didn't sound bad at all. Seems like the bride's parents were offended by something she said and/or did, and the question asking if her son was a sure about the wedding was deeply offensive to all of them. I don't think this mom is horrible (her other 4 kids haven't given her the boot), but the answer is somewhere in between the 4 factions. There is something weird about the wife's family all moving away, but together.
I hope the son explained what the issue was to his mother. I've got to believe he did. To cut his whole family out completely like that isn't right, either. Even if his mother did irreparable harm, what about the dad and siblings? By the way the story is written, I don't see evidence that his whole family is irredeemably toxic. I didn't see any tiny hints of nastiness anywhere in the mother's story. If she were toxic, I would expect to see a hint somewhere.
I have a friend who is an RN. Shortly after paying for a beautiful wedding for her older daughter, she was cut out from her daughter's life for a time. This daughter had ballooned to probably 400 lbs in the few years after graduating high school. My friend likely said something about it to her, as well as assumed daughter would start a family. Perhaps she was too presumptuous, but I find it hard to see the justification for a complete shut-out in retaliation. Lots of blame directed her way, while new husband's redneck (my description--not my friend's) family was embraced.
As far as my own mom, I know she was much harder to deal with than my friend. Pretty sure more difficult than this author as well. I coped by ignoring the crap. If she were worse, I would have felt justified to completely extract myself from the relationship, but that is the spectrum I'm seeing here.
TL;DR: Its almost always somewhere in between.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Apr 12, 2019 10:35:02 GMT -5
There is apparently more to this story that was not in the article. The Reddit link justme cited indicated there was a considerable back story that paints a different picture of the mom and her role in the estrangement. There were big gaps in the narrative in the article. No mention of what happened to make the bride's family decide not to attend the rehearsal dinner, no mention of what happened to make the son disinvite his parents to the wedding. Those things did not just happen out of the blue. Something happened, and since the mother did not explain what it was, one can be forgiven for thinking something she did or said (probably more than one something) was the reason. People who are otherwise sane and relatively normal do not disinvite their parents to their wedding for trivial reasons. If whatever happened was not caused by the mom, one would have expected her to explain what it was. Just my take on the situation based on the limited information available. Actually there's nothing to say son disinvited her. He told her his in laws weren't coming to the rehearsal dinner due to what she said/did at the bridal shower. And then he called to confirm she really wasn't coming. To me that means she threw a fit, likely about the rehearsal dinner, and said she wasn't coming to the wedding and he was calling to see if she was holding to that. Given her statement of crying every day until she dies to him I think that's likely. Good point. I think you are right. There was a lot left out of the mother's story, and it is significant that the omitted parts involved whatever it was that she contributed to the developing train wreck.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Apr 12, 2019 10:40:13 GMT -5
There is apparently more to this story that was not in the article. The Reddit link justme cited indicated there was a considerable back story that paints a different picture of the mom and her role in the estrangement. There were big gaps in the narrative in the article. No mention of what happened to make the bride's family decide not to attend the rehearsal dinner, no mention of what happened to make the son disinvite his parents to the wedding. Those things did not just happen out of the blue. Something happened, and since the mother did not explain what it was, one can be forgiven for thinking something she did or said (probably more than one something) was the reason. People who are otherwise sane and relatively normal do not disinvite their parents to their wedding for trivial reasons. If whatever happened was not caused by the mom, one would have expected her to explain what it was. Just my take on the situation based on the limited information available. Actually there's nothing to say son disinvited her. He told her his in laws weren't coming to the rehearsal dinner due to what she said/did at the bridal shower. And then he called to confirm she really wasn't coming. To me that means she threw a fit, likely about the rehearsal dinner, and said she wasn't coming to the wedding and he was calling to see if she was holding to that. Given her statement of crying every day until she dies to him I think that's likely. That was my take as well. It seemed from the wording "confirming she wasn't coming" and "needing to know for head count," that her attendance was conditional on something and he couldn't or wouldn't promise. It seemed more like a "Are you really threatening to skip the wedding over this, because if you are I want to know now." From what was shared he left it wide open for her to say "of course we'll be there." As someone else said, we are all bringing our own baggage, and I have two experiences of wedding planning drama to go off. Some people just can't handle a wedding not being all about them, and it sucks for the people who are actually getting married and paying for everything.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Apr 12, 2019 10:40:34 GMT -5
She said she and her DIL talked fashion, of which they are both enamored.
Then she posts pictures of herself wearing those clothes.
This woman is clearly, provably, a fucking liar.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 12, 2019 10:51:25 GMT -5
My husband's family all moved away, but together. It took 20 years, but once one person lives in an area and is happy, another family member has reason to consider that a good place to live. My niece and nephew both got jobs in Denver - completely independent of each other, and then their sister was applying to graduate school and decided to apply close to them, so she would be near family. After that, my sister said "When we retire, we will move to Colorado to be with everyone." Oddly enough, the grad school daughter ended up not here and not in Colorado, and shortly after, her sister's husband was offered a job in the same town, so now they are together, but away. My sister has considered a second home there, but has given up on Colorado. This type of thing happens often. My boss has more family here than where he, his whole family and his wife and her family grew up. They all have been slowly migrating from the midwest to the Valley of the Sun. The family down the street is asking around in the area because her brother is going to move to town, and she thinks he will bring her Mom, too. It happens.
I did consider that the new wife might be the source, but there are so many details left out. There is probably enough blame to go around.
Also, the whole family doesn't need to be toxic for the relationship between two people to be toxic. Especially in a blended family. He might be her only biological child, or there may be a golden child situation, or just a disagreement about how life should be lived. So, just because she didn't say her other kids have separated from her doesn't mean she is a good Mom (in general or specifically to the son in question.)
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 12, 2019 10:57:53 GMT -5
As someone who was raised by a narcissist... yeah.
I mean, it's possible she's innocent and all and it's the son who has mental illness and is a narcissist... but it reads much the other way around to me. I can smell a narcissist a mile away now and run like hell.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Apr 12, 2019 12:03:47 GMT -5
Oh. LOL! It's "Friday Eve" as in the night before Friday. I have online friends who use this phrasing. It took me a bit to realize they were using it like how Christmas Eve is the night before Christmas. Don't even bother. She just has nothing better to do with her time then wait for people to make a grammatical error and then pounce. The amusing thing is that you didn't make a grammatical error and she just couldn't wait to pounce that she didn't see the word eve and then pounced anyway. Huh, I assumed Welts was "pouncing" on the semantic "error" I created by using Friday Eve. I like the ambiguity of it and I don't like Thursdays - Friday Eve could be Friday Night and not the night before Friday. I laughed. She pointed out the ambiguity (which I was going for) Language is fun and it's fun to play with it (even if I'm not always as clever as I think I'm being.)
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Apr 12, 2019 12:20:55 GMT -5
As someone who was raised by a narcissist... yeah. I mean, it's possible she's innocent and all and it's the son who has mental illness and is a narcissist... but it reads much the other way around to me. I can smell a narcissist a mile away now and run like hell. I don't know. I dated a narcissist, and studied NPD a lot afterward. Its supposed to be incredibly difficult to diagnose, and there really isn't that much here to go on. I don't think the son is mentally ill, either. Or his wife or her family necessarily. I think there are some issues with styles of communication, expectations, and misunderstandings, but I could be totally wrong.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Apr 12, 2019 12:48:43 GMT -5
From one of the links in Justme's early in the thread post made me think. The link about psychology /missing reasons. The part about "emotion creating reality" and "reality creating emotion". That one really struck a nerve for me. I know a few people who are driven by emotion - if you are not pleasant when you talk to them - you MUST be mad/angry at them. If you don't react with the "emotion" or "behavior" they expect, you are wrong no matter what the situation or explanation. Their emotional response is always "right" or was the "right one" or was "just/fair" for the situation.
I'm pretty sure everyone does this kind of thing all the time. We're human. I think the majority of people are willing to step back/look back and admit maybe their response wasn't accurate to the situation and might even try to temper or "control" or "choose" their emotional responses to situations going forward. It doesn't mean they will always succeed. We're human. I think it's the minority of people who choose to "die on the hill" of "I was right in that situation" ALL the time that are difficult to deal with.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Apr 12, 2019 12:58:26 GMT -5
Don't even bother. She just has nothing better to do with her time then wait for people to make a grammatical error and then pounce. The amusing thing is that you didn't make a grammatical error and she just couldn't wait to pounce that she didn't see the word eve and then pounced anyway. Huh, I assumed Welts was "pouncing" on the semantic "error" I created by using Friday Eve. I like the ambiguity of it and I don't like Thursdays - Friday Eve could be Friday Night and not the night before Friday. I laughed. She pointed out the ambiguity (which I was going for) Language is fun and it's fun to play with it (even if I'm not always as clever as I think I'm being.) I take it you weren't offended, then? I didn't expect you to be.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Apr 12, 2019 13:03:03 GMT -5
I didn’t get this at all from the post. That she was the mother and mother in law from hell. Well, I think it depends on the lens. And this language:
I correct my minor kids. Actually I don't even "correct" DS all that much. I find it very off-putting that the mother decided that her adult son needed parenting like a 8 year old. We have these conversations with our kids all the time. I am not "stunned" by them. My kids get the usual answer "Every family makes their own choices. There's no right or wrong. It's just what works best for families. When you are older and have your own family, you'll get to make your own decisions." And another perspective... when I read it - the mom's response: " but we encouraged them to pursue the activities in which they expressed interest." caused me to hear the unspoken words: " but we encouraged them to pursue the activities that I chose for them." I'm sure the kids expressed interest - because they were cornered into do it. When I was a kid - I would "express interest" in something and if my mom thought it was ok, I'd get to do it. If it wasn't something she approved of, she'd TELL me what I was interested in. And then she'd find a way to get me involved with that "interest" because obviously I had expressed interest in it. And then if I balked at it she'd get mad at me because I "lied to her" about my "interest". I don't think my mom was narcissistic - I just wasn't the daughter she wanted (or that her social circle expected me to be). Not a really good way to grow up.
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oped
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Post by oped on Apr 12, 2019 13:36:35 GMT -5
You know, the ‘i Would never’ karma doesn’t stop with family beds and breast feeding...
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Apr 12, 2019 14:28:49 GMT -5
Well, I think it depends on the lens. And this language:
I correct my minor kids. Actually I don't even "correct" DS all that much. I find it very off-putting that the mother decided that her adult son needed parenting like a 8 year old. We have these conversations with our kids all the time. I am not "stunned" by them. My kids get the usual answer "Every family makes their own choices. There's no right or wrong. It's just what works best for families. When you are older and have your own family, you'll get to make your own decisions." And another perspective... when I read it - the mom's response: " but we encouraged them to pursue the activities in which they expressed interest." caused me to hear the unspoken words: " but we encouraged them to pursue the activities that I chose for them." I'm sure the kids expressed interest - because they were cornered into do it. When I was a kid - I would "express interest" in something and if my mom thought it was ok, I'd get to do it. If it wasn't something she approved of, she'd TELL me what I was interested in. And then she'd find a way to get me involved with that "interest" because obviously I had expressed interest in it. And then if I balked at it she'd get mad at me because I "lied to her" about my "interest". I don't think my mom was narcissistic - I just wasn't the daughter she wanted (or that her social circle expected me to be). Not a really good way to grow up. There are some interests that are more feasible than others--more affordable, more attainable, healthier, safer. As a mom, I do steer them towards activities that work better for us as a family. Also, as a mom without unlimited time and funds, I just can't win. My kids would probably play video games 24/7 if they had their choice.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Apr 12, 2019 15:31:06 GMT -5
You know, the ‘i Would never’ karma doesn’t stop with family beds and breast feeding... Is this directed at me? Because I would 100% never wear that shirt with the flowers. Never.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Apr 12, 2019 16:17:49 GMT -5
You know, the ‘i Would never’ karma doesn’t stop with family beds and breast feeding... Is this directed at me? Because I would 100% never wear that shirt with the flowers. Never. That's probably because you're all fancy and stuff and have fashion sense and skills and whatnot and this has enabled you to cultivate an image of polish and sophistication and you actually know how to choose clothes that look nice and don't scare people. I'd wear that shirt in a heartbeat. It's got leopard spots and tropical flowers and who knows what else on it. It's a mess. I'm a mess. We're made for each other. I actually really want that shirt (but it would have to have longer sleeves as I have a birthmark I've been self-conscious about all my life). If I could find that in my size with longer sleeves, it would be my new favorite shirt. And if they have anything with flowers or some bright abstract design superimposed on a giraffe pattern, I'd be all over that, too. I'd wear those shirts with black pants, though. I'm a mess, but I'm not a psychopath.
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pooks
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Post by pooks on Apr 12, 2019 16:29:44 GMT -5
I guess I read the article differently then most. She sounds genuinely confused by the situation to me.
So that got me to thinking about the people I know and if any had a somewhat similar situation. I came up with my dad. He never seemed to like his family and there wasn't a big reason. His parents were decent people, but he just didn't like their frugal and civic minded nature. So he always adopted the family of his partner (3 families that I know of). He just liked the boisterous big family vibe and his family never gave him that. So when he was in a serious relationship, he would disappear and only hang with the new family. I have known a couple of men like that. I am sure women do it too, but in my experience, it has been more a male thing.
Honestly the son stayed in their rental, while not speaking to them. Ungrateful snot.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 12, 2019 16:54:18 GMT -5
The mom wouldn't reconcile when son/dil tried because they wouldn't explain to her exactly what had happened. She doesn't want her son back. She wants him/them to acknowledge that she is right and they are wrong.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 12, 2019 16:55:41 GMT -5
I guess I read the article differently then most. She sounds genuinely confused by the situation to me. So that got me to thinking about the people I know and if any had a somewhat similar situation. I came up with my dad. He never seemed to like his family and there wasn't a big reason. His parents were decent people, but he just didn't like their frugal and civic minded nature. So he always adopted the family of his partner (3 families that I know of). He just liked the boisterous big family vibe and his family never gave him that. So when he was in a serious relationship, he would disappear and only hang with the new family. I have known a couple of men like that. I am sure women do it too, but in my experience, it has been more a male thing. Honestly the son stayed in their rental, while not speaking to them. Ungrateful snot. He paid rent. And, just because she is genuinely confused doesn't mean she didn't do something horribly wrong.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Apr 12, 2019 17:31:12 GMT -5
There is apparently more to this story that was not in the article. The Reddit link justme cited indicated there was a considerable back story that paints a different picture of the mom and her role in the estrangement. There were big gaps in the narrative in the article. No mention of what happened to make the bride's family decide not to attend the rehearsal dinner, no mention of what happened to make the son disinvite his parents to the wedding. Those things did not just happen out of the blue. Something happened, and since the mother did not explain what it was, one can be forgiven for thinking something she did or said (probably more than one something) was the reason. People who are otherwise sane and relatively normal do not disinvite their parents to their wedding for trivial reasons. If whatever happened was not caused by the mom, one would have expected her to explain what it was. Just my take on the situation based on the limited information available. Actually there's nothing to say son disinvited her. He told her his in laws weren't coming to the rehearsal dinner due to what she said/did at the bridal shower. And then he called to confirm she really wasn't coming. To me that means she threw a fit, likely about the rehearsal dinner, and said she wasn't coming to the wedding and he was calling to see if she was holding to that. Given her statement of crying every day until she dies to him I think that's likely. The part that got me was when she said: After that of course we had to call all our relatives invited to the wedding to tell why we weren't going. I call that sabotaging, not just not going.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Apr 12, 2019 17:43:41 GMT -5
Actually there's nothing to say son disinvited her. He told her his in laws weren't coming to the rehearsal dinner due to what she said/did at the bridal shower. And then he called to confirm she really wasn't coming. To me that means she threw a fit, likely about the rehearsal dinner, and said she wasn't coming to the wedding and he was calling to see if she was holding to that. Given her statement of crying every day until she dies to him I think that's likely. That was my take as well. It seemed from the wording "confirming she wasn't coming" and "needing to know for head count," that her attendance was conditional on something and he couldn't or wouldn't promise. It seemed more like a "Are you really threatening to skip the wedding over this, because if you are I want to know now." From what was shared he left it wide open for her to say "of course we'll be there." As someone else said, we are all bringing our own baggage, and I have two experiences of wedding planning drama to go off. Some people just can't handle a wedding not being all about them, and it sucks for the people who are actually getting married and paying for everything. I read that as he was upset but didn't believe they really weren't coming, indicating that the door was open. Mom doesn't relate her answer!!!
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on Apr 12, 2019 17:51:21 GMT -5
Does the fact that I'm enjoying a new train wreck to be picked apart make me a bad person?
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oped
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Post by oped on Apr 12, 2019 20:21:05 GMT -5
If he thought I didn’t know anything about how kids sports worked and I did, why wouldn’t I correct that misconception? This is like a Rorschach test... everyone bringing their own baggage into it... Again, my own lens. To correct means you are right and the other person is wrong. Which also then implies that you are the good/winner/better person and the other person is the bad/loser/ person. It's ripe for setting up being adversaries instead of on the same team.
I've also found with my own kids blanket statements that are untrue aren't actually about the untrue topic. For example, DS is on a kick that we spend more time with DD1 than we did with him when he was 11. Which is patently untrue. Now, I could correct him, but I know darn well that he won't listen to any correction and come around to my viewpoint . He'll twist it and use it to further justify his position. So, rather than correct him, we engage him in dialogue. "Hey, what's going on." And then we get to problem solving. "I'd like to do more x with Dad." Fine. We can work with that.
Which is what I would prefer to do over insulting everyone's intelligence by asking my son if he understands there's a difference between me being his den leader for 3 years and me being DD1's den leader for 6 months, and that three years is more than 6 months. Despite the fact that his grades are not hot, I know he understands that three years is more than 6 months. I just don't see a need to remind him of that, especially when it will still get us no where.
It insults everyone's intelligence to jog his memory? to have an honest discussion that includes realistic assessment as a component of problem solving? If he forms a statement about your knowledge and or motivation it is a problem to tell him he is mistaken and explain to him what your knowledge and or motivation are? How old is son now?
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oped
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 20, 2018 20:49:12 GMT -5
Posts: 4,676
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Post by oped on Apr 12, 2019 20:29:17 GMT -5
You know, the ‘i Would never’ karma doesn’t stop with family beds and breast feeding... Is this directed at me? Because I would 100% never wear that shirt with the flowers. Never. No, it was in general. People are reading an awful lot into this. Just by their comments i can tell... even going in so far as to say... i read THIS as THIS... You know before you have babies you have all these ideas about them and kind of judge other moms and then you have babies and you realize you didn't know shit? You become a whole lot more willing to give the benefit of the doubt. And you realize that anything you said out loud, loud enough that you would never do! you almost always end up changing your mind about when you really know... And this keeps happening... I mean, do you take to heart the advice of people who only have toddlers about what your 8 year old needs? nah.. you eye roll. when they get there... they will find out... right? Well, that's what i see here. those of us with older teens/20s+/Adult children... are more willing to say, eh... it's sure possible she's a part of the problem, but there is probably also a more detailed, multi-person contribution reality out there somewhere... I understand you still basing this all on your own parents if you don't have 'grown-ish' children... but it isn't always black and white when you are the parent. Say how you will be and what you will do and never do. But its the same with this stage as any other.. you'll know when you get there... when the situation arises... and not before.
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dannylion
Junior Associate
Gravity is a harsh mistress
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 12:17:52 GMT -5
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Location: Miles over the madness horizon and accelerating
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Post by dannylion on Apr 12, 2019 20:50:14 GMT -5
No one who wasn't part of the events surrounding the wedding and subsequent estrangement knows the whole story, and everyone evaluates the events through the filter of their own experience and expectations. However, the Reddit comment (pasted below from justme's link) from someone who apparently knows the mom and the family seems to offer some background and additional perspective to the mom's side of the story, experience and expectations aside. Of course, there is no way to tell whether the person who made the comment actually knows anything about what happened, and the tone kind of suggests the writer might have some issues with the mom, so it likely has its own agenda. (And, of course, it could just be entirely made up by someone who doesn't even know the family). If it's true, though, it paints a different picture than the mom's account.
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Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
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Post by Pants on Apr 12, 2019 21:20:04 GMT -5
Is this directed at me? Because I would 100% never wear that shirt with the flowers. Never. That's probably because you're all fancy and stuff and have fashion sense and skills and whatnot and this has enabled you to cultivate an image of polish and sophistication and you actually know how to choose clothes that look nice and don't scare people. I'd wear that shirt in a heartbeat. It's got leopard spots and tropical flowers and who knows what else on it. It's a mess. I'm a mess. We're made for each other. I actually really want that shirt (but it would have to have longer sleeves as I have a birthmark I've been self-conscious about all my life). If I could find that in my size with longer sleeves, it would be my new favorite shirt. And if they have anything with flowers or some bright abstract design superimposed on a giraffe pattern, I'd be all over that, too. I'd wear those shirts with black pants, though. I'm a mess, but I'm not a psychopath. Danny lion - you're still my linguistics crush. I don't think that shirt has enough purple in it for you, personally. ETA: I'm not fancy! I did work really hard to figure out what looks good on me, especially over the past decade with 2 babies and resulting 75-100lb weight swings. It took a really long time and a singnificant effort, and I know not everyone can/wants to devote time or energy or value or money to that, which is absolutely fine! ETA2: I still can't endorse that shirt. We will find you a different hot mess of a shirt. More purple.
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