Would you be comfortable with...

[TheHaitian]

Your kids knowing they will receiving a large sum of inheritance and doing their planning based on that?

I am not from money and not expecting a dime from either parents (will 100% not get anything from biological dad)... but I am guessing for kids that have parents with money : it is kinda like “duh” I am bound to get something and plan accordingly? Or act accordingly?

[some info taken out to protect the innocent]

I wonder:
A) would parent be ok with you knowing?
B) is it wise to rest your financial future on that? Yes the dad is 80 but what to say he will not live to 95 or need every penny for a nursing home?
C) maybe since I am not expecting anything, never did... that never crossed my mind. But do people really have that in the back of their mind: when dad and/or mom croak I may/should get $$$; so that is ok?
D) my mom had me young (21) so God willing she will live a good life and... do I want to be 60 waiting on my mom to die to get something (not counting it will be split 4 ways).

***please don’t quote because there is a lot of personal information I will come back to remove****

[Lizard Queen]

Financial planners are supposed to consider the entire picture, but there could be a serious breach of confidentiality here, or not, depending on how the subject was brought up.

But yeah, counting on that too much is risky.

[TheHaitian]

Feb 2, 2019 15:36:08 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Financial planners are supposed to consider the entire picture, but there could be a serious breach of confidentiality here, or not, depending on how the subject was brought up.

But yeah, counting on that too much is risky.

He did not give him exact numbers or details I guess...

More like: it is stupid to use retirement money to buy a house but knowing what I know you will be find once your dad dies so go on ahead.

Not exactly like that but something like that I guess...

[MN-Investor]

If you're talking about an inheritance of $5 million, then yeah, there probably should be a discussion.

But for $1 million? No. Someone at age 80 and in good health may not be spending a lot. But my mom was in a nursing home for something like 8 years. In her final year - still at one of their lowest rates - she was paying $100,000/year. That will eat up $1 million quickly. It would be devastating to plan your retirement on an inheritance you don't receive.

[Deleted]

Well, I can't imagine planning on an inheritance, but I would suppose if your parents were crazy wealthy...like worth 10's of millions at age 80...it might be reasonable to assume, especially if there had been an ongoing dialogue about it ahead of time and the will wasn't a big secret to be opened at death.   In that case, you might find out that dad left all his money to go towards the border wall or humane society  or something and wrote the kids out entirely.  

[countrygirl2]

Yep, we didn't plan on getting anything.  And actually got more then we thought we would.

So not wanting the kids to wait and not knowing where we would be in life, we helped son to pay cash for his house.
He is not counting on anything either, we hope to leave him something but  like you say, hard to know what end of life
might cost, but they won't get that part. LOL!

But no I don't think unless your parents are very wealthy and you stay on good terms with them on planning on what your parents
might leave you.  Who knows the old boy could get senile and remarry or something, happens a lot.

[busymom]

I would NOT have kids "count" on getting anything.  It's better if they go through life expecting only what they earn themselves.  Case in point:  my own Mom lived years longer than her doctors expected her to, and in that time went through a lot of money in nursing home care.  It wasn't what any of us were lead to expect, and as she got weaker, nursing home care costs go up.  I was actually surprised there was some money left after she passed.  It was so expensive near the end I genuinely wasn't planning on there being anything, so I'm actually thankful I hadn't "planned" on an inheritance.  I can see for some people they'd spend their expected inheritance before they'd even received one.  

[chapeau]

Nope. Both because end-of-life care can be so expensive and also because my parents are the ones who worked and saved to get the money and I want them to enjoy it.

Also, my mom tells people who have the nerve to ask how she can afford X or Y (they take nice trips and about 10 year ago Mom bought herself the convertible that she wanted when she was young but was too responsible to buy) by telling them she's spending our inheritance. We keep telling her to get a vanity plate for the car that says something like SRY KIDZ.

[debthaven]

My 3 older kids had/have very wealthy grandparents (my ex H's parents).

They started giving my kids money every 8 years when they were older teens (inheritance planning per French tax laws), with two caveats:

- the parents (ie my ex or I) kept control of the money for as long as we felt we should. We both got the best deal we could for our kids at our respective banks. Neither of us touched a cent of our kids' money. My out-laws KNEW we wouldn't, that's why they entrusted us with it, because our kids were teens the first time they gifted them.

- that money was to be used ONLY to buy an apartment or start a business

Both DS1 and DS2 used that money as down payments on their apartments. DS1 and his wife bought their first apartment together 3 years ago (DDIL contributed too). DS2 bought his smaller apartment alone last year. DD still has her money (I hope LOL. She's 26 so she's in charge of it now.) 

Both DS1/DDIL and DS2 have to pay their mortgage every month. The advance inheritance was a great help with the down payment, but it doesn't pay the mortgage every month.

Which is as it should be!!!

My kids' paternal grandmother is gone, their paternal grandfather is still here, in his 90s, sharp as a tack, and still working FT in the family business.

I think my out-laws (ex in-laws) did a FANTASTIC job at giving my kids a "hand up" (which allowed them to buy their first apartments), but NOT a "hand out".

My ex FIL also contributed generously to DS1's wedding.

Again, I think they did a fabulous job. Although DH and I don't have anywhere NEAR my out-laws' wealth, we try to incorporate the principles we have learnt from them ... ie to give a hand UP, but not a hand OUT.

[Deleted]

In a word, no.  Remember, too, that the rich family member may choose to leave it all to a charity.  You can even disinherit your kids in your will if you do it specifically (so they can't say you just forgot).

DS knows what my net worth is and that he'll be getting the bulk of it (minus a bequest to my church).  It has not changed his spending behavior, although I suppose that's why he felt comfortable asking for $10K to help when they bought a larger house.  First time he asked for a dime since he got out of college.  I wrote them a check.

My own Dad is 87, widowed and last we talked, had about $600K.  He lives in an Assisted Living place and spends little although, as others said, that can all go out the window if he needs LTC. Funny coincidence- I just thought about this yesterday.  Whatever is left would be split with my 5 siblings.  My share will go into the granddaughters' 529 accounts.  Well, heck, maybe I'll blow $500 on a pair of boots first.  But I really don't need it.

Also- all bets are off if one dies and the other remarries.  My Grandpa's second wife was extremely materialistic but she came into the marriage with pretty much nothing.  She gave a lot of (Grandpa's) money to her kids and her engagement ring diamond was "upgraded" to something bigger than a carat at their 5-year anniversary.  (I had a 1-ct ring at the time.)  Grandpa needed care with just about everything by the time he died at 95 and nearly ran out of money.  Mom didn't care about inheriting anything but it really bothered her to see her stepmother living FAR better than he own mother had.

[tskeeter]

I’m on both sides of the fence.  On one hand, I’d think you’d want your kids to grow up to be financially responsible citizens.  On the other hand, in order for your kids to plan their financial lives effectively, it’s helpful to understand the magnitude of a possible inheritance.  Knowledge of a inheritance could lead a child to make different decisions about things such as medical care or enriching experience like international travel.

In my family, two of us have done pretty well financially.  The other three have pretty much spend every dime they get their hands on.  As a result, Dad has been kind of secretive about his finances.  As trustee of his trust, I understand much more about Dad’s finances than the siblings.

My older brother would like to retire because he is losing his vision.  He lost his driver’s license as a result of his vision impairment and he has other health issues.  But, it is possible that he will need an inheritance to live comfortably.  Without some knowledge about his inheritance, it is impossible to plan appropriately.  Why should my brother live like a pauper for years only to receive a substantial inheritance a couple of years before he dies?  Wouldn’t it be better if he lived more comfortably in retirement?

[TheHaitian]

Feb 2, 2019 17:34:25 GMT -5 tskeeter said:

I’m on both sides of the fence.  On one hand, I’d think you’d want your kids to grow up to be financially responsible citizens.  On the other hand, in order for your kids to plan their financial lives effectively, it’s helpful to understand the magnitude of a possible inheritance.  Knowledge of a inheritance could lead a child to make different decisions about things such as medical care or enriching experience like international travel.

In my family, two of us have done pretty well financially.  The other three have pretty much spend every dime they get their hands on.  As a result, Dad has been kind of secretive about his finances.  As trustee of his trust, I understand much more about Dad’s finances than the siblings.

My older brother would like to retire because he is losing his vision.  He lost his driver’s license as a result of his vision impairment and he has other health issues.  But, it is possible that he will need an inheritance to live comfortably.  Without some knowledge about his inheritance, it is impossible to plan appropriately.  Why should my brother live like a pauper for years only to receive a substantial inheritance a couple of years before he dies?  Wouldn’t it be better if he lived more comfortably in retirement?

But there is also the possibility of skipping the kids and sending it to the grandkids?

Life is unknown but I would prefer for my kids to enjoy the fruits of my labor while I am alive : help with downpayment, generous gifts, group/family vacations etc.

But let’s say I die at 90... my daughter would be closing in on 60 at that age. I think I would feel more inclined to pass down the ”inheritance” to her kids (maybe grandkids) vs her at that age. Maybe?

Ex: MIL only has DW and has debated between living everything to my wife or DD. Since we are on the fence wether to have another kid or not (she strongly suggest we only have 1 because life is hard) she has decided to not change her will and live it all to DW which in turn can split it.

[Deleted]

Feb 2, 2019 17:43:54 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Feb 2, 2019 17:34:25 GMT -5 tskeeter said:

I’m on both sides of the fence.  On one hand, I’d think you’d want your kids to grow up to be financially responsible citizens.  On the other hand, in order for your kids to plan their financial lives effectively, it’s helpful to understand the magnitude of a possible inheritance.  Knowledge of a inheritance could lead a child to make different decisions about things such as medical care or enriching experience like international travel.

In my family, two of us have done pretty well financially.  The other three have pretty much spend every dime they get their hands on.  As a result, Dad has been kind of secretive about his finances.  As trustee of his trust, I understand much more about Dad’s finances than the siblings.

My older brother would like to retire because he is losing his vision.  He lost his driver’s license as a result of his vision impairment and he has other health issues.  But, it is possible that he will need an inheritance to live comfortably.  Without some knowledge about his inheritance, it is impossible to plan appropriately.  Why should my brother live like a pauper for years only to receive a substantial inheritance a couple of years before he dies?  Wouldn’t it be better if he lived more comfortably in retirement?

But there is also the possibility of skipping the kids and sending it to the grandkids?

Life is unknown but I would prefer for my kids to enjoy the fruits of my labor while I am alive : help with downpayment, generous gifts, group/family vacations etc.

But let’s say I die at 90... my daughter would be closing in on 60 at that age. I think I would feel more inclined to pass down the ”inheritance” to her kids (maybe grandkids) vs her at that age. Maybe?

Ex: MIL only has DW and has debated between living everything to my wife or DD. Since we are on the fence wether to have another kid or not (she strongly suggest we only have 1 because life is hard) she has decided to not change her will and live it all to DW which in turn can split it.

I think if an inheritance is left to the children and they are generally responsible, good people, there's a good chance the grandchildren will benefit from it also, even if they are adults.

I mean, if I inherited a large sum of money (ain't gonna happen), I can't see not doing something for my children. Or at the very least, it would increase the chances that they would inherit something or more from me.

[teen persuasion]

I am comfortable with my kids knowing about our financial situation, but counting on an inheritance is crazy. Chances are good they'd be waiting way too long.

My parents are both alive and well and active. Ok, dad's getting a bit slower now, but he's 88. They both have several older siblings that are also well and active in their nineties, so not counting on anyone dying anytime soon. At that rate, we'll be retired before we could possibly inherit anything, assuming caring for either of them doesn't consume everything.

I'm also a little influenced by my mom's inheritance situation from her mom. Grandma was widowed in her late 50s. Their house was a double - her sister (who never married) was part owner and lived in the other apartment with a brother who never married (he had a head injury as a young child, and was mentally retarded; he could do manual labor as a young man). At some point the siblings all lived together (another brother joined them after he was widowed), and rented out the second apartment. Grandma and the uncles died in the 1970s, but my aunt was still around. Mom's siblings decided to wait on settling grandma's estate, so that aunt could continue in the house that was half hers anyway. Some of the spouses weren't too pleased with this plan, namely the wife of the brother that was executor. She decided to divorce herself from the family (not her husband, just everyone else). Well, aunt lived to 102, she was the youngest. So it was a long wait for their inheritance.

[Deleted]

Feb 2, 2019 18:27:39 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I think if an inheritance is left to the children and they are generally responsible, good people, there's a good chance the grandchildren will benefit from it also, even if they are adults.

My intent is that an inheritance will help DS and DDIL have a comfortable retirement. I'm hoping that I'll be able to fully pay for their kids; educations but darn them, they're expecting a 3rd in late June.

[tskeeter]

Feb 2, 2019 17:43:54 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Feb 2, 2019 17:34:25 GMT -5 tskeeter said:

I’m on both sides of the fence.  On one hand, I’d think you’d want your kids to grow up to be financially responsible citizens.  On the other hand, in order for your kids to plan their financial lives effectively, it’s helpful to understand the magnitude of a possible inheritance.  Knowledge of a inheritance could lead a child to make different decisions about things such as medical care or enriching experience like international travel.

In my family, two of us have done pretty well financially.  The other three have pretty much spend every dime they get their hands on.  As a result, Dad has been kind of secretive about his finances.  As trustee of his trust, I understand much more about Dad’s finances than the siblings.

My older brother would like to retire because he is losing his vision.  He lost his driver’s license as a result of his vision impairment and he has other health issues.  But, it is possible that he will need an inheritance to live comfortably.  Without some knowledge about his inheritance, it is impossible to plan appropriately.  Why should my brother live like a pauper for years only to receive a substantial inheritance a couple of years before he dies?  Wouldn’t it be better if he lived more comfortably in retirement?

But there is also the possibility of skipping the kids and sending it to the grandkids?

Life is unknown but I would prefer for my kids to enjoy the fruits of my labor while I am alive : help with downpayment, generous gifts, group/family vacations etc.

But let’s say I die at 90... my daughter would be closing in on 60 at that age. I think I would feel more inclined to pass down the ”inheritance” to her kids (maybe grandkids) vs her at that age. Maybe?

Ex: MIL only has DW and has debated between living everything to my wife or DD. Since we are on the fence wether to have another kid or not (she strongly suggest we only have 1 because life is hard) she has decided to not change her will and live it all to DW which in turn can split it.

Good question.  But not in this case.  DB is single, with no kids.  Generation skipping in my family is sketchy.  The three boys are socially retarded.  No kids.  Only the girls had children.

[tcu2003]

Feb 2, 2019 19:49:57 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Feb 2, 2019 18:27:39 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I think if an inheritance is left to the children and they are generally responsible, good people, there's a good chance the grandchildren will benefit from it also, even if they are adults.

My intent is that an inheritance will help DS and DDIL have a comfortable retirement. I'm hoping that I'll be able to fully pay for their kids; educations but darn them, they're expecting a 3rd in late June.

Congrats - that's so exciting! Good thing they got bigger house! 

[oped]

Actually maybe opposite? my dad constantly talks about finances after he is gone, and I’m like, you are 18 years older than me... who knows what happens...

I do talk to his finance people on occasion though because we have some things that overlap. Never have they talked to me about anything he did not authorize though, I don’t think...

[tcu2003]

DH and I won't be receiving an inheritance, but our kids should based on our current 401ks, savings, etc.  I don't want them planning on it as who knows what will be left if we need long-term care or end up with substantial medical bills later in life.  Our kids are 6 and 2 now, so have no knowledge of our financial situation other than they have a place to sleep, food to eat, and more crap than they know what to do with.

One of my bosses is expecting a sizable inheritance, and it does shape their current and future planning, though I'm not sure he knew about it until the last 5-8 years or so (he's early 40s).  His grandparents were farmers in the midwest, and when grandma died a few years ago (not sure when his grandpa died, but it was before that), his mom and aunt (only heirs), gave him, his sister and cousin small shares in the farm property.  Property values have gone up substantially since grandparents bought the land decades ago, so it's worth millions (not sure how many, but I think in the 5-10 range).  He's doing fine on his own - he's a shareholder in the company we work for (limited ownership group - must be invited in), his wife stays at home, they have 3 kids from late elementary through middle school, and they don't have expensive tastes, but he has made the comment that he doesn't stress over retirement savings due to the expected inheritance.  He saves at least 9% (maybe more, but I do know he saves enough to get our full company match based on comments over the years), but they are also choosing to do some travel and experiences now with their kids.  My guess is that his wife will also inherit as her mom is married to someone well off and he is estranged from his only son.  So they factor it in, but they're also still making fairly wise choices with their own money.

[tractor]

We don’t factor any inheritance money into our retirement plan, I’m sure there will be some, but it’s likely to be in the $100,000 range. It will be nice to have, but in reality it’s not all that much. My plan it to split it between the 2 boys. Depending on the timing, they can use it to pay off student loans, or towards a house.

[finnime]

My parents died 10 years apart. My mother left an estate worth about a $million, which was split among her 5 children. We spent a great part of it - maybe $200,000 altogether - on legal fees when my second brother attempted, as co-executor and co-trustee, to control all of it and award himself a very large piece of it all. Note to everyone: Do not ever have co-executors or co-trustees. Just don't. No matter what.

The money left to me went mostly to help with unusual expenses when DH became very ill, in his later 50's. The rest went to my kids' educations. It was helpful and definitely eased some real problems.

My former in-laws have all their lives held an inheritance over their children's heads. They have repeatedly threatened to disown this or that child. Now they are well into their 80's, have traveled extensively and will probably leave behind about a $million, depending on future healthcare costs. I always have thought the way they tried to control their children with a prospective inheritance was outrageous and tacky, too.

My former FIL was a tax and estate attorney with an insurance company. When he retired he bought paid-up whole life policies for each of his children that were not to be touched until he died. I know the single premium he paid was something like $30,000 at the time per policy. I imagine these cannot be changed no matter how they feel about any of their offspring.

[haapai]

I've always read that expecting an inheritance and planning accordingly is one of the most foolish financial moves out there. 

Wills can be changed at any time.  The standard of competence required for a will to be valid is quite low.  End of life care is very expensive.  People remarry unexpectedly.  Men can have children in their seventies and eighties.  There's also a very real possibility that a wealthy person that has made very good financial choices for several decades will lose that ability in the last 5-10 years of their life.  

There may be some exceptions to this rule when a whole lot money is already in some sort of extremely well-managed and well-monitored trust or when the person expecting an inheritance is a spouse in a jurisdiction that does not allow spouses to be disinherited, but I'll just stick with the general rule of not expecting an inheritance, ever, ever, ever. 

[Nazgul Girl]

   I've got a slightly different attitude about inheritances than others here, I guess.   Years ago, my father used to hold my inheritance over my head after I joined a religious organization he didn't like ( Roman Catholic, to be specific ).   He said he would give my inheritance to Planned Parenthood.   I told him " That's tine because it's your money.   Plus, I also support PP."    Thirty years later, I'm Christian/electic but not Catholic.    He still believed, until recently, that I would somehow sneak up on him and put him on endless life support when he didn't want it.   I think that I was able to reassure him that I would never do that, and it's against medical ethics anyway, given his age of almost 94 years.

   After that bunch of stuff ( this all went on for decades with my father ), I decided I would be extremely upfront with my daughter about her inheritance.   I have one child and one second husband.   He has no heirs -no close relatives, no children, and he was widowed when I met him.   He wanted an heir and made my daughter, after me, his heir.    I didn't ever ask him to do that, but it was very kind of him.   My daughter is extremely close to her stepfather and is estranged from her natural father, due to circumstances beyond my control.   She is now a single mother, with a two-year old daughter ( yay ! ) and makes pretty good money as an administrator public school system, although it's not real high compared to many parts of the country.

  We have a paid-for home, and fairly decent net worth.   My husband's health continues to deteriorate, even within the past few weeks.   It's terrible.   I'm very depressed at this time.   My daughter is our executor should I be incapacitated.   She knows more or less what she's going to get, and will pass a good deal of it down to her daughter.    She is very thrifty and has moderate spending habits.   I told her that it's up to her to make sure to pass some on to her daughter if she can   That's how it runs in our family.   Whether she inherits a little or a lot, it's all hers anyway, so I don't see any reason to play around like my father did with me.

  I do love my father very much, and helped him start to eat more when he was recently in the hospital.  He had lost so much weight due to perceiving himself as needing to stay slim ( he was at  140 which for a man of  his height, was not good, and he was experiencing muscle wasting, as well as other symptoms of cachexia ).   I had two big talks with him about loosening up his protein and vegetable diet, since he was not getting enough calories to even maintain, much less learn to walk again and overcome his debility.    Luckily, he started fighting for his life again.    He has good, loving spousal and family support, and I was very honest with him about his condition.   I told him it was up to him if he wanted to live - he had to do the work of eating more at each and every mean, stop arguing with his nutritionists, etc., and follow what his physical therapists and physicians said.   I told him, otherwise, he was slipping away, and we were very very sad.   By golly, three weeks later, he's out of the hospital, gaining some weight, and walking ( with a walker ) and swimming a little again.   We know we will lose him some time, but not today, thank you    He is a champ.   

[Lizard Queen]

There was one thing I wish I knew about my dad's retirement funds before he passed away.  I graduated HS at a time when college tuition was not as crazy expensive as it is now days.  Also, really good colleges were easier to get into back then.  With my HS grades/test scores I could have gone to a top college (my HS peers did), but my mom tried to keep me nearby and be more frugal about college costs.  After my dad died, I discovered my dad could have easily covered my college costs. He was willing, too, just my mom pulling me the other way that prevented me from going for it.  My career has been underwhelming ever since.  It would have been nice to know that money for college really wasn't a problem.

[sesfw]

I didn't count on inheritances from either of my parents, and I wasn't disappointed.  Older brother inherited a lot from our father, and younger brother inherited from mother ……… different fathers.  I was left out of both wills, as I fully expected to be.  Long story that I won't get into ……. and I didn't fight either one.  Not worth losing either brother over.

Had spousal inheritance from DH#1, and most of that went to DD, and her 2 DDs for education purposes.  DH#2 has 2 sons and the oldest says 'spend it all'.  Younger son wants it RIGHT NOW from IRA and hang the taxes, he doesn't care.

We are travelling now while we are physically able and if anything is left for the kids, we won't be around to say anything.

[weltschmerz]

I told DS, "This is my bank. My account numbers are with my will. When I die, there may or may not be anything left.

Knowing him, however, he'll probably keep my mummified body in the attic and eschew the inheritance.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

My parents told us that they were going to educate us, and that was going to be our inheritance.  What is left of my dad’s estate is the family home that will be sold.  My share is 1/3, but I am thinking about giving it to my siblings.  They need it more than I do.

TD’s mom told him at dinner that he was getting 1/5 of her estate.  Who knows how much money that will be but at this point her investments are earning faster than she spends.  That can quickly change though, as she is still quite independent.  TD asked his mom if she couldn’t direct his share to those who need it more.  She refused, because apparently there were some hard feelings within her family about an inheritance years ago.  Also, as their’s is a blended family, all bequests are to be equal among the kids.

Neither of us have lived our lives depending upon an inheritance.

[resolution]

My parents have periodically shared their net worth spreadsheet with me and made me go through their wills with them, so I know their current net worth and what they plan to leave to me. I have never counted on it, since medical costs have increased so radically in my lifetime. I want to hit 7 figures on my own while they are still alive, and am hoping to reach it this year if the market does well.

What has had more of an impact on my life is knowing they have the resources to bail me out if I get into trouble.  I have taken risks like stretching for a house and moving across the country because I knew if something went wrong they would fly me back home again and let me live with them.

[TheOtherMe]

When my parents moved here, they added my sister and I on to all their accounts except for their IRAs, on the advice of the credit union.  

It's all they had except for $5000 of life insurance.  When mom died, dad inherited her IRA and changed the beneficiary to my sister and me.  He also changed the beneficiary of the life insurance to us.  

He has no real estate, just his personal possessions.  Supposedly everything passes to us without an estate.  

I have no idea if there will be anything left except for the $5000 life insurance as dad ages.

[giramomma]

We'll probably get an inheritance. No clue about how much.  They had the financial "talk" with us before the great recession.  I would expect they are worth more now.

We've never taken a future inheritance into our planning. I'm far to risk adverse for that.