cottontail
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Post by cottontail on Dec 29, 2018 3:39:37 GMT -5
We have been sending birthday and Christmas gifts to great-nephews and nieces. These are pretty young kids and I don't expect them to send thank you notes or anything, but I do want to know that the gifts have arrived in the mail. One of the families we send to sends us a text or a facebook message, usually with a photo of the kids with the gifts they received. We really appreciate this. The other family does not acknowledge the gifts in any way unless asked. We have had a ton of problems with our local mail service, so I worry that our gifts never arrived and always end up asking. I'm getting tired of it because it causes me stress.
I try to be very careful with money and I am the one who puts in all the effort. My husband appreciates it, but I am the one who started this tradition. I'm wondering if I should just quit sending gifts to everyone, quit giving gifts to the kid whose family does not acknowledge the gifts (is this unfair to the kid?), switch to only sending gifts for birthdays, or switch to only giving gifts if we will be seeing the child(ren) for the occasion (which is rare). I know the kids like the gifts because I ask the parents what the kids have been asking for. And it is a way to try to stay connected even though we don't see these family members often at all.
What would YM do?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 29, 2018 8:07:43 GMT -5
I don’t give gifts if they’re not acknowledged. Parents are able to acknowledge for children too young. Even toddlers can color a page as a thank you.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 29, 2018 8:28:19 GMT -5
This is such a tough one. IMO there's no single "right" answer, only what works best for you in the context of your family.
Here's what I would do and would work in context of my family. I would want to keep up the contact with the kids, especially since they're too young to be the initiators of a response so they can't be blamed for the lack of thank you. And I'd also want to give gifts without attempting to use the gifts for control, because that's one of the bad memories from my childhood, so although it's perfectly understandable I wouldn't go with the idea that I was only giving a gift to compel a response and not continue to give gifts if I didn't get the control I was seeking. That would leave me with trying to figure a way to continue to give gifts and continue the contact but to also alleviate my anxiety over the post office not delivering. Some options:
- Send the gifts return receipt requested. If adding a couple of dollars to the cost of shipping let me stop worrying that people didn't receive their gift, that would be money well spent. But honestly, I don't think the idea that the gift is lost in the mail is the source of your anxiety, so I don't think that solves the problem. So if I were you, I'd go with:
- Send very inexpensive things so it didn't really matter if the package was lost and send them at times other than Christmas and birthdays. Do random "care packages" at times when it will stand out and be very meaningful. Families with small kids are so incredibly busy during the holidays that it's easy for a gift from a distant relative to get a little lost in the shuffle of endless activities, social obligations and other gift giving/receiving. So sending a gift a Christmas might not be the best way to keep in touch and may even be causing the families a small amount of stress since it's one more obligation during the busiest time of the year (gotta figure out when to try to wrestle the kids to call Aunt C among the 1000 other things I've got to do). If you really want to keep in touch, send small packages of homemade goodies a few times of the year outside of Christmas or birthdays. That way your gift isn't lost in the shuffle, it's unexpectedly special and a good way to keep in contact. If someone receives a small random gift from a person who doesn't know them that well during a time when they're busy and receiving tons of other things, it's not as meaningful or special as receiving a box of Aunt C's homemade fudge in May just because she's thinking of you.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Dec 29, 2018 8:52:31 GMT -5
I told son and hubs we need to just buy gifts at Xmas for DD and grandson. None of us need anything and we just buy and buy stuff to give. I did do less in a lot this year but bought some bigger gifts, spent way to much and I'm tired of the hassle. Not sure what I will do next year but will change some things.
I really think now kids get so much stuff they don't really appreciate it.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 29, 2018 8:59:11 GMT -5
After my great nephew and niece got old enough to have their own phones and were texting people all of the time and still did not thank me for birthday and Christmas gifts, I stopped giving.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Dec 29, 2018 15:48:45 GMT -5
I often see this type of sentiment and it confuses me somewhat.
While I do get the nicety of it, it does come across as a bit manipulative or punitive. Are you sending the gift as a gift? Or for the purposes of getting a thank you?
If not the latter, why cut off the gift giving if they don't send a thank you?
There seems to be this underlying idea that people who don't send thank yous are not appreciative and those that do are - and I don't think that is the case. I was never taught to do thank yous, and I have never expected them from others. If I send something and call a week or two later to say - hey did this come through? That is all I am doing - checking on it. I don't have any preconceived ideas on their gratitude level or how much they liked it and I'm not going to modify my gift giving because of it.
If I give a gift, it is because I take joy in giving something to a particular person.
And I have also known a few people who were reared in the Miss Manners universe who would make fun of a clumsy or unwanted gift (and sometimes the gift giver!) while writing their little obligatory card.
But I do get how this might seem to those who were trained from early childhood to write cards, but some people even expect a thank you card after being present at the gift opening and hearing a verbal thank you and angry if they don't receive it.
I file that under nuts.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 29, 2018 15:52:33 GMT -5
I personally don't care how a gift is acknowledged. A phone call, a text, an IM, a facebook thank you, a note, etc is all fine to me. So, I think one form of thank you is just as fine as the other. Yes a gift should be acknowledged and thanks should be given.
So, if they are not acknowledging it, then no reason to bother with them if you don't wish too.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 29, 2018 15:53:48 GMT -5
On the flip side, my SIL would mail a gift and literally was in hysterics, did the gift arrive, etc etc BEFORE it would even get to us! Honestly, i would prefer she don't send any gifts at all. The constant checking is just annoying.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Dec 29, 2018 16:03:18 GMT -5
In the case of small children, it seems to be cruel to cut them off based on the actions of their parents. And for younger relations, I do think it would not be out of line to express to them your expectations. Are they suppose to guess why your cut them off the gift giving list? I'd call them and ask how they liked the gift, explain that you do expect a call or note to let them know the gift was received. Say I'm old fashioned, or I worry it never got there, or I consider it rude to not, and I expect that when I send a gift you call and let me know if was received. Give them a year or two on a consistent message of that around age 12 or so before you cut them off. On one hand, it seems to me presumption to say call and thank me. But then what do you do if they dutifully call and just say "I got it!" without saying thanks To me - it seems a lot of emotional work to be that vested in someone else response. Give what you can give joyfully without expectations, and if you can't, don't give.
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Happy prose
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Post by Happy prose on Dec 29, 2018 16:22:20 GMT -5
I would just send a card from now on, to let them know you're thinking of them. If you take the time to shop for and mail a gift, it should be acknowledged in some way. If you happen to see them in person, take them out for a treat.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Dec 29, 2018 16:22:36 GMT -5
In the case of small children, it seems to be cruel to cut them off based on the actions of their parents. And for younger relations, I do think it would not be out of line to express to them your expectations. Are they suppose to guess why your cut them off the gift giving list? I'd call them and ask how they liked the gift, explain that you do expect a call or note to let them know the gift was received. Say I'm old fashioned, or I worry it never got there, or I consider it rude to not, and I expect that when I send a gift you call and let me know if was received. Give them a year or two on a consistent message of that around age 12 or so before you cut them off. On one hand, it seems to me presumption to say call and thank me. But then what do you do if they dutifully call and just say "I got it!" without saying thanks To me - it seems a lot of emotional work to be that vested in someone else response. Give what you can give joyfully without expectations, and if you can't, don't give. I will respectfully disagree... I stop sending gifts to my goddaughter for the same reason, if you cannot be bothered to send a simple text, IM, Facebook message to say you have received the gift and a thank you... then I will not be bothered to send one. I don’t expect a gift a return, I don’t expect you to bend over backwards to thank me but a simple “thank you” or an acknowledgment that you received the gift is the MINIMUM you can do as either the parents (if kids are too young) or the person receiving the gift. More so if you are on Facebook & Instagram all freaking day long... manners people!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 29, 2018 16:29:05 GMT -5
Honestly, most kids have so many things and toys and electronics coming out their ears. If they aren't going to acknowledge, you are totally right to stop bothering if they cant' bother. On the other hand if you enjoy sending them out, then send them out but realize you aren't going to get a response. If it still gives you pleasure anyway, then ok. If not ,then don't.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2018 16:32:57 GMT -5
Contribute to their 529 plan instead of toys.
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crazycat
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Post by crazycat on Dec 29, 2018 17:08:18 GMT -5
We have a couple of relatives that we were always sending Christmas and birthday gifts to . Nieces and nephews in other states . Never receive thanks or even acknowledgement of receiving said gifts for years . They never sent anything to our boys either . I would have to contact them to see if they even received the packages because of “theft” in their area . Finally, I told DH , I’m not bothering anymore , they don’t seem to care one way or the other and it just seemed to be a big headache for me . DH couldn’t be bothered to do it even though it was his side of the family . Gotta love family .
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 29, 2018 17:20:31 GMT -5
I also know that in my case both of the kids have way too much stuff and an over-indulgent grandmother. I've seen them run from gift to gift at Christmas and birthdays and never play with them again.
I do send cards for their birthdays, but that it is.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Dec 29, 2018 18:28:59 GMT -5
Unless you have a very small family, or are particularly close to certain great nephews or nieces, I would just stop giving gifts. Or maybe if there was a financial need.
My kids would get so many toys just from parents, grandparents, Santa, and friends at birthday parties, it would be overwhelming. My kids never got gifts from aunts, uncles, cousins or other extended family.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Dec 29, 2018 21:03:00 GMT -5
Unless you have a very small family, or are particularly close to certain great nephews or nieces, I would just stop giving gifts. Or maybe if there was a financial need. My kids would get so many toys just from parents, grandparents, Santa, and friends at birthday parties, it would be overwhelming. My kids never got gifts from aunts, uncles, cousins or other extended family. I think family size may be an important variable here, also - how much you actually like the relatives. Maybe some people feel overly burdened with a perceived obligation to buy for certain people/too many people and prefer/want not to. I mean - how close can you really be if your resentment festers over an unreceived thank you card - and you are 100% unwilling to say - Hey, personIcareabout, It hurts my feelings when I pick out and send a gift with no acknowledgement that it was received. Then also - I guess we must assume that this is a one-way gift exchange? I mean, if presents are exchanged, do you really stop giving because no thank you note, and then that person still buys you a gift? How does that work out? then they are miffed that they sent a gift and you did not and then they are writing to dear prudence or whatevs. With my kids, I did not do thank you cards, but there were no one-way exchanges. If aunt/uncle buys you a birthday gift, you buy them a birthday gift - even if it is something small and not as expensive as they spent on you. So - I don't have any experience with a one way street, so that might also be a factor.
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cottontail
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Post by cottontail on Dec 29, 2018 22:54:04 GMT -5
On the one hand, thanks for the replies. On the other hand, there seem to have been some big assumptions made here that are inaccurate.
These are one way gift exchanges. Yes, this side of the family is pretty small.
milee, I appreciate your post and it gave me a lot to think about. I do think that gift overload may be an issue. I am amazed at how many toys these kids have, and I thought that I had a fair amount of toys growing up. I like the suggestion of sending care packages at other times of the year instead just to say "thinking of you" and I'll ask my husband what he thinks of that idea.
Ruth said: "I mean - how close can you really be if your resentment festers over an unreceived thank you card - and you are 100% unwilling to say - Hey, personIcareabout, It hurts my feelings when I pick out and send a gift with no acknowledgement that it was received."
That is not the situation here at all. I do not expect a thank you card (see my first post), but like Carl said, how hard is it to send a text? These folks are on social media anyway.
I have made it clear to the parents that we have had a lot of problems with mail and I worry that they might not have received the package. At this point, I'm afraid that my asking every time might make it look like I am begging for a thank you. Which makes me feel weird and leads to wondering if I should just skip the whole thing. (I won't go into it all because it's almost like a soap opera but the worst mail situations were 2 or 3 times when prescription medications were delivered for someone on a completely different street right before a holiday weekend and sat in the mailbox for days because no-one was home. They were scanned as being delivered to the correct address, which sure didn't help the intended recipient. I hope that they weren't counting on that medication arriving sooner! Community complaints to the post office apparently resulted in a carrier being moved to a different route for a couple of months, but nobody seems to have noticed an improvement and she's back now anyway. My mother has a crazy yet comical story of a delivery right before Christmas that is almost unbelievable, but I know that it is true. All of our neighbors have their own stories. At this point, I'm fairly skeptical about any of the delivery companies although I know that most of them do a great job almost all of the time.)
I realize that our postal situation is pretty extreme (or insane!) and I totally admit to being a massive worrier by nature, but would you guys really not feel any concern at all if you sent a couple of packages a year and never heard whether they arrived? Would you really keep sending for years and just hope for the best? I am not wired that way at all. But I also don't want to be the nag who constantly asks if the gifts arrived.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Dec 29, 2018 23:31:32 GMT -5
From the receiving side: Any gift not opened in front of the giver had to have a hand written note. We, as children, were required to write notes before we could use a gift. I hold my children to those expectations.
From the giving side: I accept that not everyone follows the same thank you note rules I do. I do tend to wonder about gifts being delivered, so I also use tracking information to confirm.
In your situation, is there even an off-hand comment at some point of the kids enjoying the gifts? If not, I’d stop sending them to that family.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Dec 29, 2018 23:34:23 GMT -5
On the one hand, thanks for the replies. On the other hand, there seem to have been some big assumptions made here that are inaccurate. Welcome to YM 🤣😂😆😁😄😂🤣
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cottontail
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Post by cottontail on Dec 30, 2018 1:16:28 GMT -5
In your situation, is there even an off-hand comment at some point of the kids enjoying the gifts? If not, I’d stop sending them to that family. We used to see them at Christmas. The adults would draw names for who to buy for and we would always buy a gift for the child. They seemed to appreciate it. But lately we have not been seeing them on Christmas so this is sort of new and I'm wondering if we should cut out the Christmas gift next year.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Dec 30, 2018 23:44:30 GMT -5
In the case of small children, it seems to be cruel to cut them off based on the actions of their parents. And for younger relations, I do think it would not be out of line to express to them your expectations. Are they suppose to guess why your cut them off the gift giving list? I'd call them and ask how they liked the gift, explain that you do expect a call or note to let them know the gift was received. Say I'm old fashioned, or I worry it never got there, or I consider it rude to not, and I expect that when I send a gift you call and let me know if was received. Give them a year or two on a consistent message of that around age 12 or so before you cut them off. On one hand, it seems to me presumption to say call and thank me. But then what do you do if they dutifully call and just say "I got it!" without saying thanks To me - it seems a lot of emotional work to be that vested in someone else response. Give what you can give joyfully without expectations, and if you can't, don't give. I will respectfully disagree... I stop sending gifts to my goddaughter for the same reason, if you cannot be bothered to send a simple text, IM, Facebook message to say you have received the gift and a thank you... then I will not be bothered to send one. I don’t expect a gift a return, I don’t expect you to bend over backwards to thank me but a simple “thank you” or an acknowledgment that you received the gift is the MINIMUM you can do as either the parents (if kids are too young) or the person receiving the gift. More so if you are on Facebook & Instagram all freaking day long... manners people! I think it's fine to say "if you aren't going to thank me, I'm not going to send you a gift". It's altogether a different thought though when people say "I don't care about the thanks, I just want to know that they received it because sometimes things get lost in the mail." The latter honestly seems like it is more likely to be from someone who actually DOES care about the thank you (which is fine if you do), but doesn't want to SAY they care about the thank you. Not THAT much stuff gets lost in the mail that if the issue is truly "did it arrive" that it's a big mystery. Or if you care that much about whether it arrived, add tracking to it. We all know the real issue IS "I want a thank you" when this happens...it just seems a lot more honest to just come out and say it (which again, I think is completely fine to want/expect a thank you). It seems pretty disingenuous to say "I'm going to stop sending you gifts because I just never know if they arrive and I'm tired of asking"...no, you're stopping because you didn't get a response/acknowledgement/thank you. It's fine as a reason, but let's be honest about our reasons instead of the passive-aggressiveness of pretending it's about being in the dark as to whether a package got lost in the mail. If people honestly just care about whether a package arrived, there are simple ways to confirm that fully within the sender's control.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Dec 31, 2018 8:43:06 GMT -5
Coming late to the party.....
I stopped sending my nieces and nephews presents, because every.single.year I had to track down whether or not they received them. All that I wanted was the acknowledgement that the package had been received so I could throw away the tracking paperwork.
This was not unlike a wedding gift we gave one year. As we were traveling to the wedding, I chose a gift off the registry from BB&B and had it sent directly to them. I received no acknowledgement that the gift had been received, neither from BB&B or the bride. I finally asked another guest if she had gotten any sort of acknowledgement, and she had not. She had given a card with a cash gift, and she was afraid her gift had gotten diverted. Both of us finally gotten acknowledgement but it took over a year.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2018 10:29:56 GMT -5
When my DS graduated from HS one of my parents he doesn't know sent him a check. Since he did not "thank" the sender within their unspoken/unknown 3-day rule, my DS was labeled ungrateful and then rudely informed he and his brother would no longer be gifted anything from their grandparents because they didn't appreciate their hard earned money.
Thankfully, my kids saw it for the controlling BS it was and didn't care.
I give gifts because I want to be giving. When you start putting rules on it, it's probably best not to give at all.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 31, 2018 10:32:03 GMT -5
I would rather not be given a gift than get one from someone who is mortally offended that they weren't thanked in the first 30 sec.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Dec 31, 2018 10:34:51 GMT -5
When my DS graduated from HS one of my parents he doesn't know sent him a check. Since he did not "thank" the sender within their unspoken/unknown 3-day rule, my DS was labeled ungrateful and then rudely informed he and his brother would no longer be gifted anything from their grandparents because they didn't appreciate their hard earned money. Thankfully, my kids saw it for the controlling BS it was and didn't care. I give gifts because I want to be giving. When you start putting rules on it, it's probably best not to give at all. How is it that your son does not know your parent(s)? Seems like something more is going on.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Dec 31, 2018 11:35:24 GMT -5
When my DS graduated from HS one of my parents he doesn't know sent him a check. Since he did not "thank" the sender within their unspoken/unknown 3-day rule, my DS was labeled ungrateful and then rudely informed he and his brother would no longer be gifted anything from their grandparents because they didn't appreciate their hard earned money. Thankfully, my kids saw it for the controlling BS it was and didn't care. I give gifts because I want to be giving. When you start putting rules on it, it's probably best not to give at all. I call BS on that 1) if he did not know the sender : he could/should have asked you. 2) who receives a check from a stranger and does not inquire whom they may be? Yet I bet that check was deposited. 3) it does not take that long to pick up a phone and say thank you Call it manipulative all you want but also accept it was rude and showed a lack of manners on your son and your part to not acknowledge receipt of the gift.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2018 15:41:08 GMT -5
How is it that your son does not know your parent(s)? Seems like something more is going on. We don't live in the same area. Though they are only a few hours away, they made no effort to have a relationship with my sons other than a yearly card on their birthdays and Christmas. I no longer have a relationship with this parent at all. No regrets. Some people are toxic in your life, and severe narcissists are no longer welcome in my life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2018 15:44:19 GMT -5
I call BS on that 1) if he did not know the sender : he could/should have asked you. 2) who receives a check from a stranger and does not inquire whom they may be? Yet I bet that check was deposited. 3) it does not take that long to pick up a phone and say thank you Call it manipulative all you want but also accept it was rude and showed a lack of manners on your son and your part to not acknowledge receipt of the gift. Call BS on whatever you choose. I call it on most things you post but remain silent. They sent the check, my kid was busy with graduation stuff, they got bent out of shape their mailed check wasn't immediately acknowledged, and then called other family members to tell them how rude my son was. His father had just died 2 months earlier and he would have thanked them if given a few days to have time. I stand behind my post.
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cottontail
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Post by cottontail on Apr 6, 2019 22:39:39 GMT -5
UPDATE from very old post:
I couldn't change the thread title to update it (I see some people say "Updated post #x), but what I worry about just happened: I sent a gift to a different person more than a couple of weeks ago. I figured that the person got it but I wanted to make sure that it arrived. It is a fairly expensive gift (much more than I usually spend) and I finally decided to check even though I worried that the person would just think that I was asking for a thank you. It turns out that the gift never arrived even though the tracking made it look like it did.
I think it's just rude of people not to let you know that they received a gift because otherwise you're left wondering if it ever arrived. Despite what some people said, it's not about wanting a thank you. Actually, I gave the gift as a thank you because I really wanted this person to know that I am thankful for something that they did! I'm glad that I can get it sorted out now, because the main thing is that I really want to say a huge thank you to someone very far away who I wish I could thank in person.
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