TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,157
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 1, 2019 9:25:16 GMT -5
I'm sorry, Bonny. It's so difficult dealing with elderly parents.
It took an emergency for my sister to comprehend that dad needed to be in a nursing home. That is where he is now and he is not happy.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Dec 1, 2019 10:56:02 GMT -5
Damn, Bonny! I'm so sorry, hon. I can only imagine the frustration you're encountering from this mess!
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Dec 1, 2019 13:44:19 GMT -5
Thanks guys for your support. I hate to come across as a whiner and I think a lot of people have it tougher than I do. There are people out there who are working, have kids (with their issues) AND are dealing with elderly parents. countrygirl2, I especially admire your journey having to deal with a disabled daughter on top of everything else. I don't know how you do it.
It feels like such a black hole, with lots of effort but no return. My dad goes to his treatments and likes getting attention but makes no additional effort. It's really time for him to let go.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 25, 2024 6:08:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2019 14:49:53 GMT -5
Bonny kudos for getting the job done in spite of the obstacles. I don't think I could manage all of that and stay sane...same goes for TheOtherMe and countrygirl2. Hugs for each of you
|
|
finnime
Junior Associate
Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 7:14:35 GMT -5
Posts: 7,414
|
Post by finnime on Dec 1, 2019 16:44:32 GMT -5
That's a harsh and difficult situation to be dealing with, Bonny. And you can't force your (needed) help on him. I hope your next steps are smoother.
|
|
countrygirl2
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 7, 2016 15:45:05 GMT -5
Posts: 16,887
|
Post by countrygirl2 on Dec 1, 2019 18:41:56 GMT -5
Hey Bonny being a little crazy helps, so don't worry about that part, LOL! Helps you handle the stress.
|
|
|
Post by empress of self-improvement on Dec 1, 2019 19:25:49 GMT -5
Hey Bonny being a little crazy helps, so don't worry about that part, LOL! Helps you handle the stress. I am sorry about your dad situation Bonny.
|
|
snapdragon
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:56:55 GMT -5
Posts: 2,822
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"e1f6f8"}
Mini-Profile Name Color: cd78d4
|
Post by snapdragon on Dec 2, 2019 13:49:34 GMT -5
Sorry to read that your are screaming into a black hole Bonny. Eventually things will come up and your dad will have to deal with his health. You are just stuck right now swinging from a rope. Good luck on getting a answer regarding the check that was cut to his GF.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 2, 2019 13:52:47 GMT -5
I'm so sorry Bonny.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,717
|
Post by raeoflyte on Dec 2, 2019 14:48:11 GMT -5
Thanks guys for your support. I hate to come across as a whiner and I think a lot of people have it tougher than I do. There are people out there who are working, have kids (with their issues) AND are dealing with elderly parents. countrygirl2 , I especially admire your journey having to deal with a disabled daughter on top of everything else. I don't know how you do it.
It feels like such a black hole, with lots of effort but no return. My dad goes to his treatments and likes getting attention but makes no additional effort. It's really time for him to let go. This is the best description I've seen. Huge hugs. I wish there was a way to make it better.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Dec 12, 2019 13:46:08 GMT -5
Another Update:
Dad is back home and receives a call from Kaiser last Thursday afternoon that they had a cancellation for noon on Friday and does he want to take it? He says yes, apparently not understanding that if he takes that appointment that it cancels his 3:30. My brother who is working and who lives 90 minutes away and is scheduled to take him texts me and says Dad's appt is now at noon, rather than 3:30 and basically WTF?
I think Dad's mistaken because Wednesday I had e-mailed the girlfriend saying it was 3:30pm. Then I check his web calendar and sure enough the appt has been changed. I try for over two hours to get the appt changed back but am unable to connect with a scheduler. The nurse who does the immunotherapy calls me back and we agree to have my brother come in when he can (probably around 2pm) and they will fit him in. I advise brother the same he calls Dad to let him know what's going on. It does get done.
Sunday I get a call from my Dad stating that he wants to be in control of his appts, wants his checkbook back and I need to reimburse him for the $1,100 I took from his account because he's broke. To be clear the reimbursement would come from the account I'm in possession of and which we were going to pay for his initial care. I don't respond as I'm hurt and angry. I haven't made any appts for him since he moved back on the 27th. And I already had planned on returning his primary checkbook when I was going to take him to his appt on Monday.
He calls again a couple of hours later and I advise him I'm hurt and angry, do not want to talk to him until we meet on Monday.
When I pick him up the girlfriend is gone. I give him his papers that I organized and filed. I tell him I have his checkbook but after his doctor's appt we're going to the bank and we're going to get me off his checkbook and I'm going to close the one I have and send him a cashier's check for the balance.
And I let him have it. I ask him if he knows how his girlfriend has been treating me; yelling at me, accusing me of stuff and hanging up on the phone. He says she thinks I'm bossy. I advise him I haven't made any appts since he went home and the only reason that my brother contacted me on Friday was that had made the original appt and he had no way to try to change it back.
He asks me if he can still count on me to come down every month to help him. I told him no and I'm backing away for a while.
Anyway it winds up being a long day. I can't get off his checkbook without closing it and he has his SS, pension payment and an insurance payment auto credit or pay coming out of the account. I don't think he has the capacity to switch all of those credits/payments over so I tell him we'll leave the account open for now.
We end it with me stating that this has been going on for nearly a year. I feel manipulated and used and I don't know how he can love anyone who does that.
|
|
busymom
Distinguished Associate
Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:09:36 GMT -5
Posts: 28,356
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IPauJ5.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0D317F
Mini-Profile Text Color: 0D317F
|
Post by busymom on Dec 12, 2019 14:25:34 GMT -5
I'm going to take a guess, Bonny , just because I've seen this with senior men in my own family. I'm guessing he fears being alone, more than he fears being used financially by the girlfriend. JMHO. So sorry you're dealing with all of this.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 25, 2024 6:08:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2019 14:42:12 GMT -5
I'm going to take a guess, Bonny , just because I've seen this with senior men in my own family. I'm guessing he fears being alone, more than he fears being used financially by the girlfriend. JMHO. So sorry you're dealing with all of this. busymom, You nailed it.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Dec 12, 2019 14:57:03 GMT -5
I'm going to take a guess, Bonny , just because I've seen this with senior men in my own family. I'm guessing he fears being alone, more than he fears being used financially by the girlfriend. JMHO. So sorry you're dealing with all of this. I think that's certainly part of it. The thing that stuck in my craw was 1) It's o.k. with him that she's verbally abusive to me 2) She was expecting him to keep paying his share of the housing after she wanted him to move out?
As I see it he's throwing me under the bus both emotionally as well as financially.
That's not o.k.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,157
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 12, 2019 15:09:03 GMT -5
No, it's not okay. At all. I'm sorry Bonny
|
|
debthaven
Senior Associate
Joined: Apr 7, 2015 15:26:39 GMT -5
Posts: 10,325
|
Post by debthaven on Dec 12, 2019 15:19:23 GMT -5
Oh Bonny I'm so so sorry you're dealing with all of this. I too think that Busymom nailed it.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,217
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 12, 2019 15:27:48 GMT -5
You deserve to not be abused Bonny. He has apparently made his choices and now has to live with it. Sucks that you as the daughter will be left picking up the pieces. But for now do what is best for YOU. We were able to get DH off our checking just by having both of us sign paperwork, we did not have to close our checking account. It took a freaking week for some obscure reason but once it was approved that was that.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Dec 12, 2019 16:08:06 GMT -5
I guess the other revelation to me during this process was while I was organizing his paperwork I came across an earnings history for him, all the way back to 1950 but through 1994. Five out of those ten years he had 0 income and the other years his gross earnings were really low. I was shocked. He supposedly was going to work every day as either a real estate or mortgage broker. These would have been peak earning years for him, late 40s to late 50s.
What the hell was he doing all day? He would have been better off getting a minimum wage job with health insurance.
Now I know why my mother was so angry. She was working full time and he was doing ...what? They wound up filing for BK in 1996 and divorcing shortly after. That's also when they borrowed money from me and didn't pay it back.
I feel like I've been living in an alternate universe.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,157
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 12, 2019 16:25:50 GMT -5
For some reason I decided to get a copy of my dad's divorce decree from his first marriage. That was a huge mistake.
I found out things that I wished I didn't know. Growing up, I'd only heard the he was a perfect angel side. With everything in the decree and all the motions filed by both sides, each side was definitely in the wrong.
I know from my own experiences that there are three sides to a divorce and this case certainly showed that is true.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Dec 12, 2019 17:01:23 GMT -5
For some reason I decided to get a copy of my dad's divorce decree from his first marriage. That was a huge mistake. I found out things that I wished I didn't know. Growing up, I'd only heard the he was a perfect angel side. With everything in the decree and all the motions filed by both sides, each side was definitely in the wrong. I know from my own experiences that there are three sides to a divorce and this case certainly showed that is true. Yeah, I'm sure no one looks good in a divorce degree. I'm glad CA has been a no fault state for a long time.
What's so eye opening with my dad's financial situation is that he basically was self supporting for only about 15 years of his nearly 84 years. He's been a mooch since 1975.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,157
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 12, 2019 17:28:32 GMT -5
The divorce occurred in 1947. Way before no fault. After reading that decree, I see why no fault divorce came in to being.
There was discussion over dad's income. Remember 1947.
His ex-wife said he made $400 week. He said he made $40 a week. When the final decree was written, the judge agreed with the $40 week.
She also didn't get alimony, but she did get child support. She was basing both on the $400 week so she didn't get anywhere near what she requested
|
|
countrygirl2
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 7, 2016 15:45:05 GMT -5
Posts: 16,887
|
Post by countrygirl2 on Dec 12, 2019 19:36:23 GMT -5
Well you see it from our parents side, they are giving up their security, independence and everything and not by choice you know. Dads parents didn't live into old age nor did he. Mom did, her mother did and one of the 11 kids ended up taking care of her, almost caused them a divorce and also was stuck with a sister who was partly an alcoholic and abusive to her sister and husband. They asked mom to help with her mom. This was before they had senior and low income housing for seniors. Mom lived in the country and didn't have a w/d and limited water from wells, grandma had tons of laundry from incontinence and stuff plus dad would have had a fit so they said no. So out of that big family only 1 sister did. Amazing.
Then my mom had to eventually come with me, we set her up in a mobile next to us, in the house with us was to much. That did not work and she was pretty much mad at me because she had to go to assisted living yet I let DD live with us, sigh. You are never good when all this happens. I managed but lost my job doing it, if I had been our sole support would have had to done something long before.
And MIL, oh my god, I was the no good bitch, she and her sister blamed me for "putting them somewhere" and I'm sure still do when they are cognizant. I mean people are living a long time and its not going well for the parents or the kids. The last years will most generally be an emotional struggle and monetary so get ready.
I'm sorry for the struggle but from what I have seen with 2 the stages you guys are going through is typical. I too once told my MIL off for the way she treated my husband. That man has and is bending over backwards to help her. He is good as he can be to her and we see she gets everything she needs. At times with me she starts in how he just wants her money, even in her state, I cut that off quick. Bear with it, it will end eventually, probably not well. But long life, declining bodies, souls, and spirits are in there too. I get tired and mad then try to realize how I will be and pray I will not be like that. But then son is going to be long distance, LOL, so probably nobody to help. Ahhh life, what can I say!
|
|
CCL
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 19:34:47 GMT -5
Posts: 7,592
|
Post by CCL on Dec 12, 2019 23:12:41 GMT -5
Bonny that's crazy about the checking account. My son and I had a joint account. When I wanted to take my name off all I had to do was go to the bank and sign one page and it was done.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. It's not fair nor right. In my experience, the more you try to do for someone, the less they appreciate it. I hope things turn out better for you.
And that girlfriend! WTH! She moves him out, but expects him to still pay the rent!
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,157
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 12, 2019 23:19:50 GMT -5
Bonny kudos for getting the job done in spite of the obstacles. I don't think I could manage all of that and stay sane...same goes for TheOtherMe and countrygirl2. Hugs for each of you I am not staying sane
|
|
ilovedolphins
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 31, 2011 10:56:31 GMT -5
Posts: 1,930
|
Post by ilovedolphins on Dec 13, 2019 5:36:31 GMT -5
Bonny kudos for getting the job done in spite of the obstacles. I don't think I could manage all of that and stay sane...same goes for TheOtherMe and countrygirl2 . Hugs for each of you I am not staying sane I also tell myself that each day...taking care of my parents...I hope I am still sane when it is all over.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 25, 2024 6:08:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2019 7:11:12 GMT -5
I also tell myself that each day...taking care of my parents...I hope I am still sane when it is all over. Even though it doesn't feel like it now, you'll know you know you did all you could. For all of you who are going through this now, here are some hugs It's hard and usually thankless work.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Dec 13, 2019 13:26:43 GMT -5
I get tired and mad then try to realize how I will be and pray I will not be like that. I appreciate your entire post, Pat but am only quoting the above.
Every time we go through this, I say "Please God when it comes my time let me be kind to the people who are trying to help me."
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,437
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Dec 13, 2019 13:57:29 GMT -5
Two more updates:
When I wrote an e-mail to my brother updating him about what happened he immediately wanted to become Dad's health representative and give me all of Dad's doctors' information.
I politely advised him that only Dad could give permission to do that and that control is a huge problem for the girlfriend. I advised my brother to tread very, very carefully otherwise he will ruin his "new" relationship with his father. What I didn't say is that there's no way in hell that they will trust my brother in any kind of fiduciary relationship given my brother's past financial dealings with them. For the record I think both parties are at fault but since both of them blame each other there's no point in going over it again.
The second update is my father called me today. While he asked me how I was doing, the purpose of the call was to ask me to sign a revocation of power of attorney. Apparently the girlfriend thinks that will get me off the account. I explained what happened at the bank when we went in together, how the woman at the bank said they couldn't get me off the account and that we would have to close the account and open up a new one. Since he has the three auto pay/credit we decided that it would be too complicated to change everything and to leave it be.
He doesn't remember that.
Apparently the girlfriend told him that if I didn't get off the account she would kick him out of the house. Somehow she is convinced that I will get some checks (he has them all) and start writing myself checks from his account. I think the real problem is that she's mad that I questioned why she wrote herself a check for November "rent" the day after she said he needed to move out. Certainly part of the problem is my dad promising to keep paying her at the same time making the same promise to me.
There were further conversations about the history of the account and I'm worried about his cognitive ability. She's clearly paranoid and not understanding how things work and using power to control him. And BTW his rent is going up to $1200/mth January 1.
I feel sorry for him but what a mess he's made for himself.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,717
|
Post by raeoflyte on Dec 13, 2019 14:40:06 GMT -5
I think it would be best if she did kick him out. But I know that doesn't help you. It's so unfair.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 13, 2019 14:58:43 GMT -5
Hugs Bonnie. This is so difficult for you. I think you're doing a really good job on this and stepping back, while painful, is probably the healthy thing for you to do.
|
|