Saying thank you for gifts

[cronewitch]

Mom and I spent the day together Saturday and she says the grand children didn't thank her for the gifts she sent for Christmas.

The grand children are all over 30 and got cash or checks. Those she saw said thanks but those who were mailed gifts didn't even say they got them.

Mom is hurt, they never call or write even if she send them money. I expect the gifts will stop going to them now. I quit when they were still children and even the parents of these didn't send any form of thanks.
It was a lot of time and money to send them gifts then never to hear if they even got them or anything was the right size if clothing.

Not acknowledging gifts for holidays, birthdays, weddings or whatever is rude but it is also very costly in future gifts.

It wouldn't take much to pen a note or make a phone call, mom doesn't have email or facebook but any form at all will work to thank someone for a gift you don't get in person so thanked them then.

Figure out the cost of all the lost future gifts if someone gives you $100 a year for the next 20 year or decides you don't appreciate it. They might also decide not to leave you anything since they don't even know you anymore. If you write a nice note saying you are going to dinner on them or buying something and love them the amounts might increase. If you do nothing they will almost surely stop and leave the giver hurt and perhaps angry.

[telephus44]

While I agree with sending thank-you notes, the logic above seems like blackmail. If I'm really nice to grandma, maybe she'll give me money! If I'm not nice, I won't get any! If you have to bribe your grandchildren with money to call or write to you, then you have bigger issues than impolite children. Personally, I've never understood it once you get out of college - If I have a real job, I don't really want $10 or $20 from my grandmother - I'd rather spend time with her and have a dinner, rather than initiate an awkward gift exchange that "forces" me into writing her a note.

I do make a point to mail thank-you notes only to people that care about them, and usually that's older people (my godparents) and my sister (all of my grandparents are deceased). Most of my other relatives don't care, so I always figure that as long as I thank them in person, or drop a note on Facebook or email, that we're good.

[cronewitch]

so I always figure that as long as I thank them in person, or drop a note on Facebook or email, that we're good.


At least you thank them. Two of these adult grands live thousands of miles a way and she hasn't seem them in 20 years. They each have 6 kids and mom spends a fortune on gifts or cash then never hears if they even arrived. The girl will send pictures of the kids every year or two but nobody hears a thing from the boy. His wife post on Facebook but not much or I wouldn't even have know when his last was born. I didn't hear about the births of the first 5 and I don't think mom has seen any pictures. Mom stopping sending money into a black hole isn't black mail.

[Deleted]

Some people are very odd about saying thank you. I usually call and say thank you. And email if I have their email address. The chance of getting a snail mail thank you note is pretty slim. I just sent my dad a cast iron grill thingy he wanted. I have spoken to him since he got it. I have spoken to him about it. He sent me pictures of using it. He has never actually said the words thank you. I am pretty sure if you mention it to him he will say he did say thank you. But even acknowledging it is major progress with him. I often told him that when I was a kid if I had responded to a gift the way he does, I would still be grounded.

[raeoflyte]

I agree Crone--especially about thanking Grandparents who you don't see very often and aren't online much (if at all). My oos grandmother would probably love a card/note, but she enjoys visiting with me to so thank you in a phone call is fine with her too. I like to tell her that we've been able to buy something that we've been saving up for because of her gift.

I don't see it as black mail, just reality. Why waste the time/energy/money to send things to people who don't appreciate them.

[zibazinski]

Spending money on those who obviously do not appreciate it is silly. Is she trying to buy love?

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

Crone,

I totally agree with you. I have a stepbrother who behaves similarly. He is in his 30s and has several children from various women. My parents and I would always send presents for him, the children, the woman du jour, and any kids of hers that we knew of (So that the children would all have something to open). This went on for many years at birthdays and holidays. He would never contact anyone to let us know that they got the presents or liked them (I started putting delivery confirmation on the packages I sent because I thought they were getting stolen... they were not). He also wouldn't come by to see us when he came in town (He lives out of state).

He ended up telling the rest of the extended family that my parents were "horrible grandparents" and I am a "horrible aunt" because we "gave more attention to the grandson/nephew who lived in the area than his kids". This was despite all the gifts, letters, and emails with no response (The nephew who lived in the area would acknowledge your gift and say thank you even though he was very young at the time, ~6. He would draw you a picture or some other age appropriate response) . We ended up stopping sending everything because it was ridiculous. My parents and I were giving 110% and getting badmouthed for doing it.

I figure if people are going to be that rude, they must not care about getting anything.

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

Crone,

I totally agree with you. I have a stepbrother who behaves similarly. He is in his 30s and has several children from various women. My parents and I would always send presents for him, the children, the woman du jour, and any kids of hers that we knew of (So that the children would all have something to open). This went on for many years at birthdays and holidays. He would never contact anyone to let us know that they got the presents or liked them (I started putting delivery confirmation on the packages I sent because I thought they were getting stolen... they were not). He also wouldn't come by to see us when he came in town (He lives out of state).

He ended up telling the rest of the extended family that my parents were "horrible grandparents" and I am a "horrible aunt" because we "gave more attention to the grandson/nephew who lived in the area than his kids". This was despite all the gifts, letters, and emails with no response (The nephew who lived in the area would acknowledge your gift and say thank you even though he was very young at the time, ~6. He would draw you a picture or some other age appropriate response) . We ended up stopping sending everything because it was ridiculous. My parents and I were giving 110% and getting badmouthed for doing it.

I figure if people are going to be that rude, they must not care about getting anything.

[Urban Chicago]

I agree with you too, but before you punish the grandkids, I think you should send a message stating the Grandma was hurt because she didn't get thanks this year. After all, it seems like their parents never taught them to do this.

Also, refer them to etiquettehell.com, it tells very funny stories while hammering home plenty of manners.

[zibazinski]

Grandchildren over 30? Realy?

[achelois]

Some form of acknowledgment should be made.

For formal events, such as wedding gifts, I think a handwritten note is appropriate. In the case of very large gifts, the same.

For smaller things, I have moved on into the electronic age and would think an email, or even a phone call would be ok. A text, not so much.

ANY method of thanks would be more appropriate than not thanking at all, though. That is just completely inconsiderate.

[Deleted]

Mar 28, 2011 16:50:35 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Spending money on those who obviously do not appreciate it is silly. Is she trying to buy love?

Of course not. She is showing love. Acknowledging someone on special occasions with a gift is one way we do that. And keeping in touch by little things like calling to say thank you or writing a thank you note is another.

[busymom]

It's simply good manners to acknowledge in writing "thank you" for any gift, even if it's an ugly sweater that you'd never wear. You are thanking the person for taking the time to shop for a gift (or even writing a check) and thinking of you. You bet I make my kids write thank-you notes! It's also smart for adults to send a thank you note to your interviewer after a job interview. (Good manners are always remembered, even in the corporate world.)

[schildi]

Yeah, I don't think a quick call, and a thank you, is asking too much.

[woodwand]

Oh, yeah. That would be it for me. Wait a minute, that is it for me with my two oldest grandsons. They are both adults now, 22 & 19, and never were good about thanking me for money I sent them over the years. To keep sending them money would just be reinforcing bad, rude behavior. I'm going to save a bundle over the years!

On the other hand, my younger daughter's kids always thank me, usually with a phone call. Will it be said that I'm playing favorites? I really don't care.

[xia]

I totally agree with Cronewitch.
My nieces and nephews are kind of similar I used to spend lots of time looking for just the right gift for each one of them and never heard if they even got it. Same as one of the previous posters I then started mailing it with receipt confirmation so I at least knew the gifts didn’t end in some mystical post office black-hole and that kids actually got them. Still not a word of acknowledgment. So few years back I figured screw it, not worth the hassle and now they only get a greeting card with $20 in it and that’s it. Guess what? I get the same kind of non-acknowledgment as I got for “real” gifts which cost me a lot of time and money.

I also agree with Cromewitch’s other point: that the kids lack of basic manners is actually costing them in a long run.
The only exception has always been my god-son. He always calls-writes-e-mails to thank for every gift or just to talk. Always polite and kind. So he is the only one on my “mailing list” who does get a “real” gifts.

[zibazinski]

But her way of showing love is not appreciated and it hurts her, both emotionally and financially. I wonder what would happen if she simply stopped or just sent a card? I mean, these people are all way adults not kids who expect something from grandma. If they do, they had best let her know in an appropriate manner.

[Deleted]

I admit, I am bad at sending thank you notes for gifts.

[zibazinski]

But you DO acknowledge them in some way, don't you? I'm not saying snail mail unless the person has no phone or email but to simply do NOTHING? I don't believe it. Not YOU!!!

[Deleted]

Mar 29, 2011 8:00:03 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

But you DO acknowledge them in some way, don't you? I'm not saying snail mail unless the person has no phone or email but to simply do NOTHING? I don't believe it. Not YOU!!!

Sometimes.. Sometimes not.

[zibazinski]

[Deleted]

Mar 29, 2011 7:44:01 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

But her way of showing love is not appreciated and it hurts her, both emotionally and financially. I wonder what would happen if she simply stopped or just sent a card? I mean, these people are all way adults not kids who expect something from grandma. If they do, they had best let her know in an appropriate manner.

I agree. I was disagreeing with the idea that she was trying to buy love.

And making the point that a loving response would be to say thank you somehow.

[Deleted]

Oh come on zib! None of us are really surprised that Archie is spoiled!

[telephus44]

Mar 29, 2011 5:54:58 GMT -5 Lady Gaga Gaga Snerd said:

I think people get a bit too worked up about these things. When I send gifts, i really don't care if i get a thank you note in the mail. There are other ways to offer thanks such as calling, telling them in person and i do think we should make a point to do so. However, there are people for whom you can say "thank you" but if they dont' get a handwritten note they become mortally offended. Times have changed. I hate writing those notes and I don't care if anyone sends me them either when i send gifts.
For those who make such a big deal about the note, in some ways, i would rather NOT get a gift from them because if i don't jump through their hoops as required, they are offended. So, keep your gifts and your strings.
But, yes, we should definately teach our kids and we ourselves should make a point of acknowleding gifts and the giver. And, also recognize that some people want a handwritten card such as grandma and do so.
But, I do think they need to also recognize that saying thank you by email , text, phone call, in person IS also saying "thank you".

Agreed. My sister is one of those people. For my son's 3rd birthday, she attended the party and gave him a card with a check in it for his college fund. Along with the 30 or so other people who gave presents, I wrote up a generic "Thank you for my birthday gift" note, printed it out 30 times, and had my son write/draw on all of them before I mailed them. She still complained to my mother that she didn't give a gift, she gave money, so his thank-you note wasn't really acceptable since it wasn't personalized for her.

[Deleted]

Mar 29, 2011 8:14:21 GMT -5 @justaposter said:

Oh come on zib! None of us are really surprised that Archie is spoiled!

I figure they are family. They have to love me.

[whoisjohngalt]

in this day and age,

I HATE HATE HATE this line. No matter what it is used for. It's like giving people a license to be rude, have no morals, no self-control, etc etc, bc "it's 2011" or bc "it's 21st century" or "in today's world"

Please! If you want to behave badly, fine. But the date on the calendar has nothing to do with it.

Lena

[Deleted]

I taught my young daughter that if someone takes the time, effort and money to send her a gift that she should take the time to say thanks. If she is sent a gift, she has the option of calling the person or writing a thank you note. Now she looks forward to it.

[zibazinski]

I wasn't allowed to use or spend the gift until I HAD acknowledged it. I realize I am old but my kids were taught to at least call and my Mom appreciates the call. She is surprised, though, that the grandkids expect something still "at their age." I told her it'
s her choice at this point but since the money doesn't matter to her and it makes them feel like she remembers who they are, and that they call and thank her or email her or both, that it's a good way to find out that they are still alive and vice versa!!!!!

[zibazinski]

oops, spell check doesn't FIX everything!!!!

[happyscooter]

I guess I am in the minority here. I always thought that I worked hard for my money and my time was stretched thin. If I could spend an hour at the mall buying a gift, picking out a card, having the gift wrapped and going to a shower or dropping the gift off at a drop off point, the least someone could do is spend a dime on a thank you note and $.44 on a stamp. Everyone gets a lunch hour that they can use to write thank you notes. No one is that busy. My DIL works full time, goes to school part time, was moving into their new house (painting, hanging curtains, buying furniture, etc...) and SHE still had time to write nice thank you notes. Heck, even I would have appreciated a printed 'THANKS' on the front and a handwritten 'Jane' on the inside from some people.