zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 8:17:29 GMT -5
If she's been putting in 16 hour days 6 days a week, something is seriously wrong. It sounds more like not wanting to be home.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 10, 2017 8:17:38 GMT -5
But tractor has said it won't hurt them finanicially, it will just slow down debt payment and they won't be able to pay for the kids college 100% out of pocket. If we were talking about they couldn't pay their bills without the $10k difference I would agree with people about she shouldn't change jobs.
But they can pay their bills, Tractor will just have to rearrange some of his other goals. I will admit I am heavily biased because I had a job I hated so bad two years ago I would hope to get in a life threatening accident on the interstate in order to not have to go to work while I recovered.
DH told me to take whatever I could find we would make it work because it was taking a heavy toll on our personal lives. My paycheck wasn't worth ending up in divorce court over.
What are the benefits that come with the new job? What other areas will you be saving money with her working a better schedule? What improvement would you see in your personal life if your wife wasn't burned out all the time?
What are the non money related gains you'd both get from her switching?
What exactly does less finanically stable district mean? Does that mean her job will go *poof* tomorrow or does it mean that less resources are devoted to the school but she'll be fine given that her position is federally mandated?
Is it really life/death important that you meet all your goals exactly as planned or are there ways you can manage to get what you want and she gets what she wants? You may not both be 100% happy with the arrangement but that's a part of marriage.
I get we're a money board so we're biased to support the person who is finanicially driven but after my experience with a job I hated I finally decided that unless it meant starving/living in a cardboard box there is no reason I should stick with a job that makes me suicidal. If all changing jobs and getting a pay cut meant was I'd have to make a few more CC payments over the course of my life I'd jump without hesitation.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 8:20:33 GMT -5
It's going to hurt them financially as well as personally. Now both sides are resentful. She hasn't done 16 hour days for 23 years and shouldn't be doing them now. Something else is going on in those 8 hours.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 8:22:58 GMT -5
A school day is normally 6 hours for a student. Teachers are usually there an hour before and an hour after. That is the time for meetings and paperwork.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 8:26:10 GMT -5
Residential treatment. Caseload of 12-15 kids. Emotional support... that's not a school day job. Especially if you are invested in your students. And even at my district job I never put in just 8 hours a day... when do you think ieps get written, progress reports.. you think court appointed EI kids in res have breakdowns on a schedule?
But yes, I'm sure she just dislikes her family and is having an affair... we should probably base our suggestions on that conclusion.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 8:28:32 GMT -5
Did you put in 16 hour days 6 days a week?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 8:30:21 GMT -5
No, but I worked learning support in a school district, not court appointed emotional support in a residential setting.
Tractor, is her pay all salary, or is any of it attached to extra duties/overtime?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 10, 2017 8:31:09 GMT -5
At the risk of revealing too much about myself, here it goes. For the longest time my wife and I have made the same basic amount of money, $70,000 each. We're in a low cost of living area and have always lived a comfortable life. Recently I was given a big promotion at work, equal to an additional 20K/year. I started making plans to pay off all our debts and we would be completely debt free within 9 months, able to pay 100% of our sons college and have extra to spare.
When it's all said and done we will actually be going backward financially, but still a long way from digging a hole we can't get out of.
I dn't see anywhere in here that it's going to hurt them significantly financially for her to take a pay cut.
What exactly is "backward". Are we talking paying off debt in 24 months instead of nine? The kids need to take out some loans (oh the horror!) for school instead of having it 100% paid for by their parents?
Or are we talking about they have to live like college students while sending every penny to the credit card companies?
I tend to be melodramatic with our finances, if you hear me talk it sounds like we're two steps away from the poor house. In reality compared to most of the population we are doing pretty damn good. Not as well I would like because I have pretty lofty goals, but all right. We're not near in the position where either of us have to work a job we hate to make ends meet.
I would not be thrilled if DH took a pay cut and he wasn't thrilled at the idea of me taking one either, but when I confessed my fantasies to him about dying or something happening to him/the kids so I could miss work he told me do what I have to do.
Tractor said she's been looking for two years and interviewing. This is the position that has been offered in that time frame. This was not a spur of the moent "Awesome you're making more so I am going to screw us all taking this job because i am a selfish person" situation that the boards like to spin these things into.
I do not think it is unreasonable to consider the move, take the hit and in exchange she needs to keep looking for a higher paying position. If she's in a lower stress position that will also afford her more time and mental space to continue the job hunt
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Aug 10, 2017 8:42:00 GMT -5
Is her pension final years average or highest years average? Ours is average of three highest. I think it's average of three highest. Wouldn't having a significantly lower pay for the last 10? years have an effect? Seems like it would, but I'm far from a pension expert.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 10, 2017 8:45:21 GMT -5
Is her pension final years average or highest years average? Ours is average of three highest. I think it's average of three highest. Wouldn't having a significantly lower pay for the last 10? years have an effect? Seems like it would, but I'm far from a pension expert. Not if it is the 3 highest and she wasn't going to get any raises. Doesn't matter if your 3 highest are in the beginning or the end if that's the calculation formula.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 8:45:56 GMT -5
Ours just says final average salary is average or three highest school years.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 8:46:22 GMT -5
Is there a reason she didn't go into admin?
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Aug 10, 2017 8:50:57 GMT -5
Tractor can you clarify the less financially stable district thing? Is it just a lower income district/lower paying? Or is there some instability that it might continue to exist? The district is in a poorer community, with declining enrollment and thus reduced state funding. They are currently 12 million behind in their pension payments. While the state won't allow them to fail, they simply don't have the $ to spend on teachers like some other districts.
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Aug 10, 2017 8:51:55 GMT -5
Is there a reason she didn't go into admin? She isn't interested in admin, not sure why, it's just not her thing. She would be good at it though.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 8:53:56 GMT -5
That's too bad. But her decision is a poor one so maybe it's best. Schools don't need more admins making poor decisions that effect everyone else. Fortunately and unfortunately hers only effects you.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 8:55:38 GMT -5
Tractor can you clarify the less financially stable district thing? Is it just a lower income district/lower paying? Or is there some instability that it might continue to exist? The district is in a poorer community, with declining enrollment and thus reduced state funding. They are currently 12 million behind in their pension payments. While the state won't allow them to fail, they simply don't have the $ to spend on teachers like some other districts. Dumb and dumber
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Aug 10, 2017 8:55:40 GMT -5
It's great to see (hear) that I'm not nuts in my thought process, all the bantering back and forth is exactly what's been going through my mind. One thought I had is she is just "donating" her extra salary to the district so they can benefit from her experience. I will use that as a justification in my mind for less giving to other organizations.
I originally asked you to help set me straight, so far it's working. Thank you.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 8:57:05 GMT -5
Yup, you're 30k in the hole.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 10, 2017 8:59:41 GMT -5
The next time one of those "women make less money because they don't have a penis" thread comes up I am tagging this thread....the attitudes in this thread are exactly WHY women make less money! How many men would say "ooh, my wife just got a huge raise so I'm going to quit my job and rely on her"? Women make less money because they are much more likely to not want a high paying career and would rather allow a man to support them. Blows.my.mind
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Aug 10, 2017 8:59:48 GMT -5
As long as we were not hurting for money, I'd let her do it without question. I would, however, voice the expectation that her outside spending might have to be limited because of it. If she wants to give up $30,000/year in income, it needs to be taken into account elsewhere. If it requires a sacrifice of some sort, that is part of her choice.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Aug 10, 2017 9:02:16 GMT -5
Tractor said:
I'll try to answer a few questions, but first understand that I'm a selfish, greedy, generous person. I would never turn down a chance to make more $, but I take great joy in giving it away. We gave away 20% of our income last year, that's the first thing I will have to cut, so our bills will be covered, but not being able to give as much away bothers me the most.
++++++++++
These three sentences bother me the most. It's great to be generous in your giving, but to the extent that it affects your personal life style, and it appears that it is the most important thing in your life......I think Tractor has his priorities mixed up. Your wife and children should be the most important and their welfare, both mentally and physically simply take first place. Giving to others is what you do after you have taken care of everything else. ( I know tithing comes first for many, I'm just not in that group).
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 10, 2017 9:03:06 GMT -5
As long as we were not hurting for money, I'd let her do it without question. I would, however, voice the expectation that her outside spending might have to be limited because of it. If she wants to give up $30,000/year in income, it needs to be taken into account elsewhere. If it requires a sacrifice of some sort, that is part of her choice. Can her spending decrease enough to offset $30k reduced income? Because as a person who is now the breadwinner and doing my part in keeping my family going, I would damn sure not be willing to give up MY standard of living or investing goals because my spouse wanted a different job.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2017 9:04:51 GMT -5
Her retirement is in question as well. Looks like she's relying on tractor to pick up her slack.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 10, 2017 9:08:36 GMT -5
Her retirement is in question as well. Looks like she's relying on tractor to pick up her slack. And we wonder why women earn less and are poorer when they are old.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Aug 10, 2017 9:20:13 GMT -5
The next time one of those "women make less money because they don't have a penis" thread comes up I am tagging this thread....the attitudes in this thread are exactly WHY women make less money! How many men would say "ooh, my wife just got a huge raise so I'm going to quit my job and rely on her"? Women make less money because they are much more likely to not want a high paying career and would rather allow a man to support them. Blows.my.mind
This isn't about sexism or pay disparity. This issue is one partner in a marriage is utterly miserable and wants to take a lower paying job to get out of that situation. Judging by Tractor's description of where they live, they could easily survive on one salary of 70K but his wife has not quit her job and relied on her husband to pay all the bills. Instead, she has continued to do a job she hates while trying to secure another position. I don't think she's selfish at all. I would support my husband in the same way.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 10, 2017 9:23:49 GMT -5
The next time one of those "women make less money because they don't have a penis" thread comes up I am tagging this thread....the attitudes in this thread are exactly WHY women make less money! How many men would say "ooh, my wife just got a huge raise so I'm going to quit my job and rely on her"? Women make less money because they are much more likely to not want a high paying career and would rather allow a man to support them. Blows.my.mind
This isn't about sexism or pay disparity. This issue is one partner in a marriage is utterly miserable and wants to take a lower paying job to get out of that situation. Judging by Tractor's description of where they live, they could easily survive on one salary of 70K but his wife has not quit her job and relied on her husband to pay all the bills. Instead, she has continued to do a job she hates while trying to secure another position. I don't think she's selfish at all. I would support my husband in the same way. We will have to agree to disagree. A $30k paycut is huge, whether they can afford it or not. She doesn't just automatically have the right to have her spouse support her. If I am looking for someone to pay my way in life, they have to actually WANT to do that. Tractor doesn't. Would she be willing to take a $30k paycut if she were single?
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 10, 2017 9:25:34 GMT -5
I wouldn't work residential care for severely challenged kids to give away 20% of the household income. I wouldn't spend that much time away from my kids and spouse to give it away either. Even working non-residential with that population is exhausting. This is where I am at. Tractor is giving away 20% of THEIR income, on the back of his wife. Her job isn't 40 hours/week but 80 hours....which means her salary is really half that, or $35k. Not quite such a deal, is it? She is working twice as much as Tractor, to get the same salary.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 10, 2017 9:28:37 GMT -5
This isn't about sexism or pay disparity. This issue is one partner in a marriage is utterly miserable and wants to take a lower paying job to get out of that situation. Judging by Tractor's description of where they live, they could easily survive on one salary of 70K but his wife has not quit her job and relied on her husband to pay all the bills. Instead, she has continued to do a job she hates while trying to secure another position. I don't think she's selfish at all. I would support my husband in the same way. We will have to agree to disagree. A $30k paycut is huge, whether they can afford it or not. She doesn't just automatically have the right to have her spouse support her. If I am looking for someone to pay my way in life, they have to actually WANT to do that. Tractor doesn't. Would she be willing to take a $30k paycut if she were single? If she wanted someone to pay her way in life, why would she have put herself through this stress for 23 years? It sounds like she has reached her breaking point, and emotionally this job has wrung her life out of her.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 10, 2017 9:29:26 GMT -5
I wouldn't work residential care for severely challenged kids to give away 20% of the household income. I wouldn't spend that much time away from my kids and spouse to give it away either. Even working non-residential with that population is exhausting. This is where I am at. Tractor is giving away 20% of THEIR income, on the back of his wife. Her job isn't 40 hours/week but 80 hours....which means her salary is really half that, or $35k. Not quite such a deal, is it? She is working twice as much as Tractor, to get the same salary. What evidence has been presented that Tractor is giving away money that his wife hasn't agreed to give away?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 10, 2017 9:30:10 GMT -5
The next time one of those "women make less money because they don't have a penis" thread comes up I am tagging this thread....the attitudes in this thread are exactly WHY women make less money! How many men would say "ooh, my wife just got a huge raise so I'm going to quit my job and rely on her"? Women make less money because they are much more likely to not want a high paying career and would rather allow a man to support them. Blows.my.mind
This isn't about sexism or pay disparity. This issue is one partner in a marriage is utterly miserable and wants to take a lower paying job to get out of that situation. Judging by Tractor's description of where they live, they could easily survive on one salary of 70K but his wife has not quit her job and relied on her husband to pay all the bills. Instead, she has continued to do a job she hates while trying to secure another position. I don't think she's selfish at all. I would support my husband in the same way. I would and have. DH took a pay cut to go to his current employer. He has since gotten a promotion and raise far above what would have been possible at the old place. He also has about a billion times more job satisfaction, which (to me) was well worth the loss of pay. I agree that it shouldn't be a unilateral decision, but I also come from a place where I couldn't imagine telling DH he couldn't take a new job to get away from one that was causing him terrible stress. We always discuss the pros and cons of different paths, and if I think he's overlooking something or his expectations are off I'll weigh in, but ultimately I tell him his job is his decision because he's the one who has to go in every day. I would expect the same courtesy if the situation were reversed. (This all with the caveat that we could live on one income, obviously there are some situations where you need to suck it up and do what you have to do to put food on the table.)
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