NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 25,594
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 20, 2017 10:37:20 GMT -5
a man applies for financial assistance. he says, "I'm having trouble with my eyes" the clerk asks, "what seems to be the problem?" he says, "I can't see myself going to work" That's called anal glaucoma. Can't see my ass going to work.
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Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Jul 21, 2017 11:44:04 GMT -5
I have a musical printer.
It's always jamming
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Deleted
Joined: Mar 29, 2024 9:26:28 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2017 19:19:16 GMT -5
Why are televisions attracted to people? Because people turn them on.
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Deleted
Joined: Mar 29, 2024 9:26:28 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2017 19:21:53 GMT -5
How much does a Mustang cost?
More than you can a Ford!
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Deleted
Joined: Mar 29, 2024 9:26:28 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2017 19:23:12 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender what's the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump and slap a piece of meat, you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss, you must buy drinks for everyone in the bar. The man responds, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
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Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Jul 27, 2017 11:33:45 GMT -5
Where does virgin wool come from?
really ugly sheep
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Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Jul 29, 2017 16:58:06 GMT -5
I was addicted to the hokey pokey
but I turned myself around
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Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Jul 31, 2017 11:55:03 GMT -5
Light travels faster than sound
which is why some people appear to be bright until you actually hear them speak.
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Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Aug 1, 2017 8:12:24 GMT -5
Why did the bodybuilder eat his steak on a ladder?
because he was on a high protein diet.
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Aug 5, 2017 7:47:32 GMT -5
What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel , a poodle, and a rooster ? ...........A cockerpoodledo!!
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 25,594
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 5, 2017 8:02:48 GMT -5
What do auditioning for an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Aug 6, 2017 6:02:03 GMT -5
Did you know that one dog became a great classical music composer?............Johann Sebastian Bark......i
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,362
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 6, 2017 21:59:14 GMT -5
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 25,594
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 6, 2017 22:24:39 GMT -5
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack. Corny joke of the day.
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,356
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
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Post by tigerpause on Aug 6, 2017 23:34:05 GMT -5
Missing Dog
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.
“ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,362
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 9, 2017 0:26:19 GMT -5
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy
people do?
A: Diddly-squats.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,362
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 9, 2017 0:26:57 GMT -5
My doctor took one look at
my gut and refused to believe that
I work out. So I listed the exercises
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels,
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,362
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 9, 2017 0:44:30 GMT -5
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,362
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 9, 2017 0:49:24 GMT -5
Over the hill band names: • Counting Crows Feet • R.E.Member? • Nine Inch Toenails • Hair Supply • Minivan Morrison • The Early Byrds • WalkDMC
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,362
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 9, 2017 0:51:22 GMT -5
When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get
less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,362
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 9, 2017 0:55:29 GMT -5
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,362
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 9, 2017 0:58:01 GMT -5
Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A: A roamin’ numeral.
<groan>
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,362
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 9, 2017 1:00:27 GMT -5
Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?
A: Depends how well they can knit.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,362
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 9, 2017 3:14:27 GMT -5
How come this smiley won't copy/paste? Any idea(s)? FYI- Not a joke. I really want to know. Thanks!
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Deleted
Joined: Mar 29, 2024 9:26:28 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2017 3:43:43 GMT -5
How come this smiley won't copy/paste? Any idea(s)? FYI- Not a joke. I really want to know. Thanks! Probably because it's not a "native" smiley to ProBoards... just a guess though.
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Aug 10, 2017 7:37:03 GMT -5
How come this smiley won't copy/paste? Any idea(s)? FYI- Not a joke. I really want to know. Thanks! Probably because it's not a "native" smiley to ProBoards... just a guess though. oh no! The PC police will be all over this......only "native" smileys are allowed!!! Are you saying this is not a "sanctuary" board?
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Aug 10, 2017 7:38:04 GMT -5
Why don't retires mind being called Seniors? ...........Because the term comes with a 10% discount.
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Aug 11, 2017 7:33:39 GMT -5
How do you know you're old? ........When people who call at 9pm ask; "Did I wake you?"
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 25,594
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 11, 2017 7:41:06 GMT -5
How do you know you're old? ........When people who call at 9pm ask; "Did I wake you?" Had a friend call me one night and ask this very question!! I said yep you did. I got away with it till they realized that they were listening to music in background I wasn't even in town!
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,362
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 11, 2017 20:17:01 GMT -5
How do you know you're old? ........When people who call at 9pm ask; "Did I wake you?" 10pm -no problem. 1 am -no problem. 3am -no problem. Call me at 10am -we got a problem!
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