Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Mar 13, 2017 14:50:05 GMT -5
Where do dogs go when their tail falls off?
The retail store
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 14, 2017 10:12:11 GMT -5
What do ghosts drink on St Patrick's Day?............Boos!
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Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Mar 14, 2017 19:56:51 GMT -5
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Deleted
Joined: Mar 28, 2024 15:48:18 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2017 21:48:11 GMT -5
Remembered this from a long time ago...
Q: What do you call a dwarf psychic that's escaped from prison? A: A small medium at large.
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 15, 2017 12:19:41 GMT -5
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?............A Bachelor!
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 16, 2017 12:01:37 GMT -5
What is easy to get into, but hard to get out of?..............TROUBLE!
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Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Mar 17, 2017 10:20:23 GMT -5
What did the buffalo say when his son went to college?
Bison.
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 17, 2017 10:21:20 GMT -5
What is a nuahcerpel? ...............Leprechaun spelled backward.........
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 25,594
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 18, 2017 7:17:20 GMT -5
Just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 20, 2017 12:16:43 GMT -5
Oh! Geez! What is it with people!! Whenever I pass someone texting and driving.....I throw my beer at their window!!!
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 22, 2017 10:05:46 GMT -5
What did the penny say to the other penny?.........We make perfect cents!
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Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Mar 22, 2017 14:36:50 GMT -5
Why was the duck arrested?
He was caught selling quack!
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Post by honeysweetEFCOwithsugar on Mar 22, 2017 22:43:59 GMT -5
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
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Post by honeysweetEFCOwithsugar on Mar 22, 2017 22:45:37 GMT -5
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
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Post by honeysweetEFCOwithsugar on Mar 22, 2017 22:48:58 GMT -5
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
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PK Bucko
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 29, 2011 9:06:37 GMT -5
Posts: 5,098
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Post by PK Bucko on Mar 22, 2017 23:00:03 GMT -5
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 23, 2017 15:37:19 GMT -5
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old-lady to say the "F" word?....................Get another sweet 80-year-old- lady to jump up and yell; "BINGO"
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Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Mar 23, 2017 19:53:00 GMT -5
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 24, 2017 15:13:02 GMT -5
When I die, I wanna go like my grandpa.....peacefully.....and sleeping......unlike the passengers in his car.
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Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Mar 24, 2017 17:13:28 GMT -5
What kind of animal should you never play cards with?
A cheetah.
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 25,594
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 24, 2017 20:11:18 GMT -5
When I die, I wanna go like my grandpa.....peacefully.....and sleeping......unlike the passengers in his car. I'm hanging my head in shame for laughing at this.
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Deleted
Joined: Mar 28, 2024 15:48:18 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2017 20:21:53 GMT -5
Q: How do you make an elephant fly? A: Well... first you get a 60 inch zipper, about 30 yards of cloth, some thread, and a needle...
Then, after you've made the pants, you put them on an elephant.
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Deleted
Joined: Mar 28, 2024 15:48:18 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2017 20:23:23 GMT -5
Q: What's the difference between "Beer Nuts" and "Deer Nuts" A: Beer Nuts are about $1.49 Deer nuts are under a Buck.
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 30, 2017 14:51:44 GMT -5
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
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Deleted
Joined: Mar 28, 2024 15:48:18 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 0:49:13 GMT -5
Q: what does Bruce Wayne have just outside his shower door? A: A Bat Mat!
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Apr 4, 2017 10:01:01 GMT -5
Do you realize that in about 40 years or so this country will be overrun by thousands of little old ladies.........with........tattoos?
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Apr 4, 2017 11:36:56 GMT -5
That must be an accountant's toilet...
He worked the problem out with a pencil.
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Rob Base 2.0
Well-Known Member
Joined: Feb 23, 2017 18:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,538
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Apr 4, 2017 16:03:04 GMT -5
Why did the cross-eyed teacher complain to the principal?
He couldn't control his pupils
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
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Post by wyouser on Apr 5, 2017 10:33:32 GMT -5
What do you throw a drowning IRS Agent?..............His Co-workers!
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cael
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 9:12:36 GMT -5
Posts: 5,745
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Post by cael on Apr 5, 2017 10:38:09 GMT -5
Oh man, I could list every single joke my one conductor tells here.
"Where are all the first violins?! Seconds, gonna have to promote some of you... only those who are high strung, of course." ::groans and hisses::
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