Guardianship for parent...has anyone had to do it?

[zibazinski]

I'm doing the same. DH's kids would bury their mom right next to DH, which is totally not what he'd want. So I'm buying two plots from the estate. Fortunately, they won't be expensive because the cemetery wants to sell plots and their prices and if you own some and want to sell them, nope.

[Bonny]

Nov 16, 2017 13:12:01 GMT -5 lund said:

With the risk of being blunt, I would also like to add that it is often a good thing if possible to make sure that everybody is clear that in case of a stroke or similar, this is not a case for resuscitation or life-prolonging treatment. Show any POAs for health if necessary.)
(Also, think through what you and your father and if adequate other family members want and can afford for the funeral. Funeral homes are very good at selling their services to bereaved families.)

And a ETA regarding the funeral homes; my brother and I don't agree on a lot of things but the upselling at the mortuary was so obvious that I laughed when my brother said after the spiel "Would you like fries with that?". The rep didn't think it was funny but I did.

Why on earth would one spend thousands of dollars on a casket when the deceased wanted to be cremated?

My (now ex) SIL got an urn for $20 at Ross vs $200 at the mortuary.

Be prepared.

[wvugurl26]

Nov 15, 2017 19:14:18 GMT -5 shelby said:

My issue is just how quick this came on. I went to visit today and he is now on feeding assist and thick liquids since he is aspirating...I know this is a very bad sign. But just weeks ago he seemed fine. I feel like we should have more time to prepare all the phases of dementia are happening in the blink of an eye. I know he doesn't want to be kept alive in his state and I don't want him to suffer....still it just seems so quick to make the decision.

I'm sorry. It's an awful thing. Definitely check into hospice. The only thing I've ever heard is people wish they would have called sooner.

[lynnerself]

"My (now ex) SIL got an urn for $20 at Ross vs $200 at the mortuary."

My brother was looking for a TARDIS urn for the remains of his son who died unexpected . They were up to $1000.
My sister found a cookie jar that they used for around $30.

[TheOtherMe]

Nov 16, 2017 18:21:33 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I'm doing the same. DH's kids would bury their mom right next to DH, which is totally not what he'd want. So I'm buying two plots from the estate. Fortunately, they won't be expensive because the cemetery wants to sell plots and their prices and if you own some and want to sell them, nope.

My parents had bought a 4 person plot.  I will be cremated with no visitation.  Plot is in a rural country cemetery.  Just paid for the stone this summer and it's up.

Good for you for buying two plots.  

My mom's sister and BIL have the plot next to my parents.  In between my parents and my aunt and uncle there are 4 spots.  There was discussion between mom and her sister about my aunt's children buying my parents' two extra plots unless we wanted them.  My aunt has two sons who are divorced and she figured they would be buried there but my aunt was concerned about one remarrying.

My sister is undecided about where she wants to be buried but has no issue with me using one plot.  

[TheOtherMe]

I bought a cremation only ceremony, paying for it over 5 years.  2 years in to it.  Supposedly no interest and contract said no price increase.  It only includes the cremation and returning the remains in their urn.  

I had already prepaid over $1K to a funeral home.  That is now assigned to the other funeral home.  I've told my executor to have a party with that money.

[shelby]

He wants to be cremated with no burial....doesn't want a funeral and wants his spread somewhere but did not know where. I will most likely split the ashes between me and my sister, then find the right place after grieving. I am not sure I can make a good decision when the time comes, we are/were extremely close. I am worried how I will get through everything required as executor.

[zibazinski]

Nov 17, 2017 0:32:52 GMT -5 shelby said:

He wants to be cremated with no burial....doesn't want a funeral and wants his spread somewhere but did not know where. I will most likely split the ashes between me and my sister, then find the right place after grieving. I am not sure I can make a good decision when the time comes, we are/were extremely close. I am worried how I will get through everything required as executor.

I know. Do you have a friend that can help? One that isn’t as emotionally involved?

[shelby]

I will be leaning on my husbands support a lot.

[TheOtherMe]

Thinking of you shelby   

[snapdragon]

Shelby - I am hurting for you. The only things I can offer is support and virtual hugs. 

I am thankful that you have someone to lean on.

[Shooby]

That is a very difficult situation.  And, your sister is a POS. Personally, i would be done with her completely.  I believe there are 2 kinds of POA?  I had to deal with this with my mom.  There was a medical POA and financial POA.  At least in my state.  Giving your sister access to his bank accounts in any way was a big mistake.  But, i understand you are stressed trying to manage this and your own family.
  If you could get him to move to assisted living, you could take her out of this completely.
  As POA, are you able to just shut down the bank account at this point?  Not sure.  However, if his name is on it and he can still sign off on things, not sure this is much you can do in that regard.  I don't know about the route of guardianship.  That wasn't a step I had to take but your situation is quite a bit more complicated.
  The question is , ultimately what do you want to see happen here?  Do you want him to go to assisted living or what do you want to happen in regards to your sister?  She can certainly make a case for cash withdrawals if she has him on a daily basis.  But for someone who has already stolen from elderly people, she is going to feel very entitled to help herself to your dad's money.  Hope you can get this resolved.

[shelby]

He is now doing better eating some, I guess he can swallow sometimes but other times cannot. For now he will not be on hospice and will be going to an AFH. Every day is different I just hope we can get him stable. He did have a good recovery last time he declined but the MRI shows a lot more damage and the Dr.s say he will only decline from here on.

The sister part is resolved I am durable POA and she no longer has access. Although about 2 months ago she decided to start using one of the credit cards she opened, we shut it down and reported as fraud. She was supposed to visit him yesterday for the first time, not sure if she did yet. She hasn't had much to do with him since no access to his money. POS is a serious understatement....pretty sure she was not taking care of his health and letting him waste away while he was living with her. ETA she even told me he only has a few months to live and was not taking him to the doctor...she had no reason to believe he would die.

[TheOtherMe]

shelby  Your sister's actions make me angry.  Sounds like she wanted your dad to die.  How dare she use a credit card she opened in his name?  Good for you for reporting it as fraud.  That is what it is.

[Bonny]

Nov 17, 2017 0:32:52 GMT -5 shelby said:

He wants to be cremated with no burial....doesn't want a funeral and wants his spread somewhere but did not know where. I will most likely split the ashes between me and my sister, then find the right place after grieving. I am not sure I can make a good decision when the time comes, we are/were extremely close. I am worried how I will get through everything required as executor.

You may be surprised. You may not remember my situation but my mother left quite a financial mess that I needed to deal with.

Dealing with that mess was actually cathartic for me as I had things I had to do and that kept me marching forward.

Everyone grieves in different ways.

[dee27]

Nov 20, 2017 11:41:31 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

shelby   Your sister's actions make me angry.  Sounds like she wanted your dad to die.  How dare she use a credit card she opened in his name?  Good for you for reporting it as fraud.  That is what it is.

Shelby, I hope your POS sister is prosecuted for fraud. DH's brother was the same way with his mom and wrote checks to his wife, stepdaughter and himself during the few months she lived with him. DH caught the fraud while he was settling her estate, and his brother finally agreed to no inheritance since he had already stolen more than his share. His brother's one condition was we never contact him again which was fine with us; however, he did not believe that the rest of the family would also refuse to acknowledge him.

[dee27]

Nov 20, 2017 14:18:22 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Nov 17, 2017 0:32:52 GMT -5 shelby said:

He wants to be cremated with no burial....doesn't want a funeral and wants his spread somewhere but did not know where. I will most likely split the ashes between me and my sister, then find the right place after grieving. I am not sure I can make a good decision when the time comes, we are/were extremely close. I am worried how I will get through everything required as executor.

You may be surprised. You may not remember my situation but my mother left quite a financial mess that I needed to deal with.

Dealing with that mess was actually cathartic for me as I had things I had to do and that kept me marching forward.

Everyone grieves in different ways.

When my parents died, I fell apart after each funeral because I was so busy with calls and scheduling arrangements to have the time to get emotional. 

[shelby]

I am leaning towards memory care since he likes to be around people, at the hospital he is always up at the nurses station he is also a wanderer when he can get around good and the units are locked down. He is very weak right now but they still have him up and walking...even though his oxygen fell to 81% yesterday. Hopefully he will be getting out soon.

In other news I received a call today from a creditor looking for my sister, not sure why they are calling me but I told them I haven't talked to her in a long time but confirmed her address. So I decided to finally tally up the IOU's and cashiers checks my dad saved as proof of what he loaned her...she still owes him $177k ....At least if she tries to do anything stupid and make it hard for me she would end up worse off than if she just went her merry way and take what was left to her.

Thank you for all the kind words...hope everyone has nice Thanksgiving.

[TheOtherMe]

$177K  


I am glad I can trust my sister with dad's money and that she can trust me.  I keep his checkbook, but she is welcome to them at any time.  

I think working for the IRS reinforced that we were taught at home.  You do not take other people's money.  I had taxpayers who would have written their check to the IRS out to me.  Also worked at CPA firms where I made the daily deposit.  

I don't have it in me to steal other people's money.

I'm sorry shelby.  Enjoy your Thanksgiving.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

other news I received a call today from a creditor looking for my sister, not sure why they are calling me but I told them I haven't talked to her in a long time but confirmed her address.

They are hoping to scare you into paying.   A LOT of people do not realize you are not responsible for a relative's debt unless you were a co-signer.   Creditors don't care who they get paid by just as long as they get paid.

When my grandma died they went as far as calling second/third cousins trying to scare someone into being responsible.

Next time they call simply say she does not live at this address and hang up.

[shelby]

My mom said they called her awhile back as well and she told them she doesn't know her and has never lived there. My mom has spoken to my sister a handful of times in the past 15 years. Luckily she is not listed on any joint accounts I could only imagine how many creditors she has.

I am going to need some serious therapy after all the shitty things she has done to me . Now the veil is lifted and I feel nauseated knowing she was this horrible while acting like she was so much better than me for most of our lives. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had to unpack baggage from siblings when a parent gets ill. It just sucks.

[TheOtherMe]

Yes it does suck.

[Bonny]

Nov 21, 2017 16:52:51 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

other news I received a call today from a creditor looking for my sister, not sure why they are calling me but I told them I haven't talked to her in a long time but confirmed her address.

They are hoping to scare you into paying.   A LOT of people do not realize you are not responsible for a relative's debt unless you were a co-signer.   Creditors don't care who they get paid by just as long as they get paid.

When my grandma died they went as far as calling second/third cousins trying to scare someone into being responsible.

Next time they call simply say she does not live at this address and hang up.

They will also lie about stuff too.

One of my brother's creditor's called my father and stated that my brother listed my father's house as one of my brother's assets. It freaked my Dad's S.O. so much that they quitclaimed my Dad off the deed of the house. He needed to be on the reverse mortgage in order to qualify to stay there in the event of her passing. Supposedly my brother listed my father on the reference portion of the application. My brother and father do not speak.

I refuse to do business with my family. They are such a bunch of trainwrecks I don't want to be in the middle of their messes and figure out who is telling the truth. I'm so glad I have a different last name and live 500 miles away so it's harder for them to find me.

[Bonny]

Nov 21, 2017 17:38:21 GMT -5 shelby said:

My mom said they called her awhile back as well and she told them she doesn't know her and has never lived there. My mom has spoken to my sister a handful of times in the past 15 years. Luckily she is not listed on any joint accounts I could only imagine how many creditors she has.

I am going to need some serious therapy after all the shitty things she has done to me . Now the veil is lifted and I feel nauseated knowing she was this horrible while acting like she was so much better than me for most of our lives. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had to unpack baggage from siblings when a parent gets ill. It just sucks.

It's a classic sign of insecurity. Cut down other people in order to make yourself look good.

Every time I speak to my brother (birthdays, et cetera) there's always a dig. I now just silently laugh. Bro has filed for BK, has had multiple foreclosures and a net worth of $0. He claims he's got a FICO of over 700 but I find that hard to believe. I think of my mid two comma club NW and smile.

He also likes to give me real estate advice.  

[shelby]

Nov 22, 2017 11:00:52 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Nov 21, 2017 17:38:21 GMT -5 shelby said:

My mom said they called her awhile back as well and she told them she doesn't know her and has never lived there. My mom has spoken to my sister a handful of times in the past 15 years. Luckily she is not listed on any joint accounts I could only imagine how many creditors she has.

I am going to need some serious therapy after all the shitty things she has done to me . Now the veil is lifted and I feel nauseated knowing she was this horrible while acting like she was so much better than me for most of our lives. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had to unpack baggage from siblings when a parent gets ill. It just sucks.

It's a classic sign of insecurity. Cut down other people in order to make yourself look good.

Every time I speak to my brother (birthdays, et cetera) there's always a dig. I now just silently laugh. Bro has filed for BK, has had multiple foreclosures and a net worth of $0. He claims he's got a FICO of over 700 but I find that hard to believe. I think of my mid two comma club NW and smile.

He also likes to give me real estate advice.  

Haha my sister thinks she's so savvy investor. Her husband told me she made my dad money by telling him to buy houses...the house he is speaking of is the one she swindled out of him and it was bought towards the top of the market. She also wanted to use my dads money to build a duplex or apartment building with zero understanding of permits and zoning laws. She is a failure at life but thinks she knows everything. She also called his brokerage firm I am thinking to take me off as beneficiary and put her on instead. The excuse was she was helping him invest. It's like a sad bizarre comedy.

ETA her and her DH also took over my dads business years ago and quickly ran it into the ground.

[hoops902]

Nov 16, 2017 18:21:33 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I'm doing the same. DH's kids would bury their mom right next to DH, which is totally not what he'd want. So I'm buying two plots from the estate. Fortunately, they won't be expensive because the cemetery wants to sell plots and their prices and if you own some and want to sell them, nope.

I realize not everyone thinks the way I do...but my thoughts in terms of what a deceased person "would have wanted" is essentially "who cares"? I don't care where you wanted to be buried, how you wanted to be buried/cremated, what you wanted your funeral/celebration of life to be like...all of these things are essentially done to make the people living feel better. I say this primarily to the point of saying that people shouldn't let that kind of emotional baggage keep them from making a good decision (or from overspending/getting into debt). Do what makes you/the living feel better about the process.

[hoops902]

Nov 22, 2017 11:00:52 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Nov 21, 2017 17:38:21 GMT -5 shelby said:

My mom said they called her awhile back as well and she told them she doesn't know her and has never lived there. My mom has spoken to my sister a handful of times in the past 15 years. Luckily she is not listed on any joint accounts I could only imagine how many creditors she has.

I am going to need some serious therapy after all the shitty things she has done to me . Now the veil is lifted and I feel nauseated knowing she was this horrible while acting like she was so much better than me for most of our lives. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had to unpack baggage from siblings when a parent gets ill. It just sucks.

It's a classic sign of insecurity. Cut down other people in order to make yourself look good.

Every time I speak to my brother (birthdays, et cetera) there's always a dig. I now just silently laugh. Bro has filed for BK, has had multiple foreclosures and a net worth of $0. He claims he's got a FICO of over 700 but I find that hard to believe. I think of my mid two comma club NW and smile.

He also likes to give me real estate advice.  

mid two-comma club NW...500 million?  500,000,000.  That's pretty good!  Your brother should be a lot nicer to you apparently.

[Bonny]

Nov 22, 2017 15:40:34 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Nov 22, 2017 11:00:52 GMT -5 Bonny said:

It's a classic sign of insecurity. Cut down other people in order to make yourself look good.

Every time I speak to my brother (birthdays, et cetera) there's always a dig. I now just silently laugh. Bro has filed for BK, has had multiple foreclosures and a net worth of $0. He claims he's got a FICO of over 700 but I find that hard to believe. I think of my mid two comma club NW and smile.

He also likes to give me real estate advice.  

mid two-comma club NW...500 million?  500,000,000.  That's pretty good!  Your brother should be a lot nicer to you apparently.

LOL, not quite. Good call!

[shelby]

So my Dad is now on hospice I have accepted it and know it's best to let the suffering end. He was not eating or drinking for a few days still having issues aspirating and had a second bout of pneumonia. He is now eating most of the time but very weak and no longer walking. I am not sure he will make it out of the hospital....I think he will but the Dr. is not so sure.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]