NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 5, 2015 15:18:01 GMT -5
1. I've given you a bazillion of those plastic rings from the milk containers. WTF did you do with them? 2. Why do you have to play with the noisiest toys at three in the morning? 3. It's a scratching post. You've made it look like a shredded post. Now what am I supposed to do? 4. Why do you have to poop in the litter box the millisecond after Cat Daddy cleans it? Can't you inhale and enjoy the clean for a minute? 5. Why are you wide awake and in wanna play NOW mode at 5 a.m., when I need to leave for a workout? 6. You always know that no matter what, you will be fed, housed, amused and loved here, right? What about you? If you could ask your four-legged (or winged) family member something, what would you ask?
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❤ mollymouser ❤
Senior Associate
Sarcasm is my Superpower
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:09:58 GMT -5
Posts: 12,861
Today's Mood: Gen X ... so I'm sarcastic and annoyed
Location: Central California
Favorite Drink: Diet Mountain Dew
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on May 5, 2015 15:23:43 GMT -5
1 . I've given you a bazillion of those plastic rings from the milk containers. WTF did you do with them?Some are hidden under the fridge. Some are hidden under the washer. Some are hidden under the couch. Some are locked in my safe-deposit box. When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, those things are like gold .... secret cat currency. I'm "investing in our future" 2. Why do you have to play with the noisiest toys at three in the morning?Because you insist on vacuuming when I'm napping. And you stepped on my tail, once. 3. It's a scratching post. You've made it look like a shredded post. Now what am I supposed to do?Is this a rhetorical question? Buy me a new one. You can get one for $24.99 at www.Petco.com. 4. Why do you have to poop in the litter box the millisecond after Cat Daddy cleans it? Can't you inhale and enjoy the clean for a minute?Do YOU like dirty bathrooms? Well, neither do I. 5. Why are you wide awake and in wanna play NOW mode at 5 a.m., when I need to leave for a workout?Because I'm a cat. 6. You always know that no matter what, you will be fed, housed, amused and loved here, right? Yes, indeed. Which is why I haven't killed you in your sleep What about you? If you could ask your four-legged (or winged) family member something, what would you ask?
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❤ mollymouser ❤
Senior Associate
Sarcasm is my Superpower
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:09:58 GMT -5
Posts: 12,861
Today's Mood: Gen X ... so I'm sarcastic and annoyed
Location: Central California
Favorite Drink: Diet Mountain Dew
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on May 5, 2015 15:24:22 GMT -5
Dear cat: If you feel the urge to barf up a hairball, why must you RUN off the tile and onto the bed or carpeting?
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zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
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Post by zibazinski on May 5, 2015 15:25:15 GMT -5
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 5, 2015 15:27:07 GMT -5
Why do you think that you are on your way to starvation if you can see the bottom of your food bowl? Have I ever forgotten to feed you?
Why do you chase my feet, but not TD's?
You have access to multiple windows and the deck, so why is the garage door so interesting?
What is it about the laser pointer that drives you absolutely nuts to the point you'll run yourself to exhaustion? You do know you'll never catch the dot....right?
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on May 5, 2015 15:29:06 GMT -5
When we had a cat...all I remember is waking in bed with that 4 legged critter on my chest staring into my eyes and purring out: "keep your mouth shut!, I'll ask the questions here! I ask, you answer! Otherwise keep your mouth shut! If I say jump! You jump! If I say: fetch! You fetch. And You better be quick about it!!
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 12, 2024 5:17:32 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2015 15:29:38 GMT -5
Why do you prefer mice to the this high priced tinned food I buy you? Is it because the cruchy bones and mouse flavor are not an option?
Why do you think the sofa arm is a scratching post? It looks nothing like your ACTUAL scratching post/tower!
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 5, 2015 15:32:38 GMT -5
1. I've given you a bazillion of those plastic rings from the milk containers. WTF did you do with them?When I moved, I discovered what happened to the bazillion of these little balls that I bought for the cats. There were dozens under every piece of furniture in the house. Every cat I have had adores these....
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Tiny
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 21:22:34 GMT -5
Posts: 13,493
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Post by Tiny on May 5, 2015 16:08:46 GMT -5
What about you? If you could ask your four-legged (or winged) family member something, what would you ask?I would ask the Little Girl cat: Why, after 5 years, she barely lets me touch her? Why?!? I'm an expert ear rubber and I've been told (via purrs and closed eyes) that I give fantastic tummy rubs. I don't know why she stays out of arms reach ALL the time. She IS a good kitty though (is slowly shredding her cat tree and not the furniture, waits patiently for food to appear in her bowl, doesn't make a fuss during the night - even though she sleeps on my head, I think I've heard her make a meow like noise only once or twice, only uses the Velvet Paw when she does touch me (versus the Scary Ouchie Razor Blade Paw) , and enjoys my company (follows me from room to room) - she just doesn't want to get pets.... what cat doesn't want pets?!? I just want (no need!) to hug her and kiss the fur off the top of her little head!!! ::sigh:: The Big Boy cat is so sweet, polite, and even tempered - I don't have any unaswered questions about his behavior. He's a Very Fine Cat. OK, you know, I would ask the Boy Cat about the meaning of the words to the song he sings to his "mousie" as he carries it around the house and why MUST he sing it at the top of his lungs in the middle of the night.
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,544
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Post by Tennesseer on May 5, 2015 16:15:22 GMT -5
Dear cat: If you feel the urge to barf up a hairball, why must you RUN off the tile and onto the bed or carpeting? One of mine not only likes to puke on carpeting and rugs, she intentionally likes to puke on the rug's fringe. Makes clean up a snap!
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,544
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Post by Tennesseer on May 5, 2015 16:21:14 GMT -5
What about you? If you could ask your four-legged (or winged) family member something, what would you ask?I would ask the Little Girl cat: Why, after 5 years, she barely lets me touch her? Why?! One cat I got from a rescue group never purred. Sweet cat. Never took anything for granted-always looked up to me for permission to do whatever. Then one Christmas morning she was napping on my bed. As I was getting dressed to go out for Christmas dinner, I reached over to scratch her head. Low and behold, she started purring. After that she never stopped purring. It was a nice Christmas gift from her.
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Virgil Showlion
Distinguished Associate
Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:19:33 GMT -5
Posts: 27,448
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Post by Virgil Showlion on May 5, 2015 16:22:03 GMT -5
I would start it off with:
1. How are you able to interpret and comprehend this question with a brain the size of an apple core?
2. How are you able to speak to me with a vocal tract that can't synthesize even a quarter of the phonemes in the English language?
3. Does your newfound intellect exceed that of a human, and if so, can you provide me with an exceptionally valuable bit of knowledge that I might commercialize to our mutual benefit?
4. Those were some weird mushrooms we found, weren't they, Christopher Columbus?
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The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
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Post by The Captain on May 5, 2015 16:27:36 GMT -5
1. Are those little kissies you give my face because you think I'm family or do I just taste good? 2. Seriously, why do you treat our smelly feet like they're covered in catnip? 3. How in the world do you put up with Virgil Showlion not understanding your magnificence? 4. Do you really bring your mouse's to me because you think I can't fend for myself?
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steff
Senior Associate
I'll sleep when I'm dead
Joined: Dec 30, 2010 17:34:24 GMT -5
Posts: 10,780
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Post by steff on May 5, 2015 19:03:45 GMT -5
1. Why are you so mean? I know why my other cats were mean, but with you, there's absolutely no reason other than you're mean because you can be. I guess I just answered my own question.
2. You know when you are laying on my pillow next to my head that I know you are there right? You don't have to pat my nose until I open my eyes. if you must pat my nose, can we stop with the last pat being a claw piercing?
3. Please stop beating up the little doggie when you are mad. He didn't do it.
4. PLEASE! be nice to the new kitty that is coming in soon. Pick the doggie over the kitty if you must beat up on something.
5. do you realize that if you don't sleep in the catnip pot that you will have catnip longer? It won't die if you don't get stoned and sleep in it.
6. You are now queen of the house....act like it. and that doesn't mean act like Bloody Mary.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 5, 2015 19:47:59 GMT -5
1. Why do you attack my feet in the middle of the night if I roll over in my sleep, waking me just to curl yourself up in a ball and pass-out again?
2. Why, after just washing your water bowl & refilling it, do you feel the need to slide the bowl over a few inches - spilling the contents onto the floor?
3. If I need to use the bathroom, there's no need to always follow me in there. I promise I'll flush if you just leave me alone.
4. As soon as you see the first sign of sunrise outside, that doesn't mean it's time for me to get up and feed you. Stop batting at my face, and then attacking my feet again, like the night before.
5. If I'm on the computer and you're on my lap, could you stop jumping up in front of the monitor & chasing the cursor around the screen? And the mouse on the desk is MY toy - not yours.
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msventoux
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 12, 2011 22:32:37 GMT -5
Posts: 3,037
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Post by msventoux on May 5, 2015 22:32:59 GMT -5
Boy cat: Why are you more hormonal and bitchy than all of the females in the house put together? I know you don't like your two new sisters, but they've been here over a year and aren't going anywhere, so why can't you accept that? Why can't you land on your feet when you're knocked off the cat tree? Where am I supposed to find you a helmet to protect your thick little skull?
Girl cat #1: I know you have new sisters, but peeing on my spot on the bed won't endear you to me, so why do you persist? Why do you steal all of my stuff? Why do you announce that you're stealing my stuff by chattering at me as you streak by? Why do you act surprised when you get in trouble for stealing my stuff or peeing on my bed? How many times do you plan to knock your brother off the cat tree and make him fall on his head?
Girl cat #2: You are the sweetest little cat I've ever met. Why do I wake up every morning to you sitting on the pillow by my head starting at me like I'm a science experiment you're considering eviscerating? Why do you think headbutting me and purring in my face will make me forget the way you looked at me a few seconds prior to that?
Girl cat #3: Will you please just run and cough up a hairball on the carpet like a normal cat? Will you please stop power puking off of the cat tree? How the heck can such a dainty little cat manage to projectile vomit half way up the wall?
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steff
Senior Associate
I'll sleep when I'm dead
Joined: Dec 30, 2010 17:34:24 GMT -5
Posts: 10,780
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Post by steff on May 5, 2015 22:55:01 GMT -5
7. why is it when you drink from your water bowl you go all face first in to your ears, but when drinking from the doggie's bowl you dip your paw in and lick it? Don't want doggie germs all over your face & in your ears?
8. Why do you hiss at me when you're the one running in between my feet as I'm walking? You could just let me go to where I want to and follow if you want. But stop acting like I'm disturbing you by walking.
9. What's up with the bitch face staring when you are laying in the window that I opened for you? Blame the screen not me from keeping you from the birds nest right outside the window.
10. Why do you have to follow me to the bathroom every time? Will I ever be allowed to pee alone again?
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,544
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Post by Tennesseer on May 5, 2015 23:12:22 GMT -5
Why was it necessary for you to climb into my lowered shorts when I was sitting on the commode and doing my business?
Question for me: Why didn't you just shut the bathroom door while you did your business on the commode?
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msventoux
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 12, 2011 22:32:37 GMT -5
Posts: 3,037
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Post by msventoux on May 5, 2015 23:25:35 GMT -5
Why was it necessary for you to climb into my lowered shorts when I was sitting on the commode and doing my business? Question for me: Why didn't you just shut the bathroom door while you did your business on the commode? It's a question of the lesser of two evils: Solitude in the bathroom but have to watch a bunch of animal paws curling under the door, hear them beating on the door with their back feet, see them peeking under the door and hear the tortured howls coming from the other side of the door. Or, leave the door open and let them wreak havoc. Although it is pretty fun to get four cats lulled into a false sense of security and playing together in the the bathtub, then watching the explosion when you turn on the shower.
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,544
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Post by Tennesseer on May 5, 2015 23:30:56 GMT -5
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weltschmerz
Community Leader
Joined: Jul 25, 2011 13:37:39 GMT -5
Posts: 38,962
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Post by weltschmerz on May 6, 2015 0:41:08 GMT -5
I can answer that. Cats are more likely to land on their feet when they fall from a greater distance. A short distance doesn't give them enough time to flip over.
And no...if you have a cat, you'll never go to the bathroom alone again. Ever. Unless you go to a hotel.
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weltschmerz
Community Leader
Joined: Jul 25, 2011 13:37:39 GMT -5
Posts: 38,962
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Post by weltschmerz on May 6, 2015 0:44:04 GMT -5
Dear cat, Why don't you warn me that you've had enough of playing? Is it really necessary to suddenly clamp down on my veins, reminiscent of a medieval bloodletting or suicide attempt?
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msventoux
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 12, 2011 22:32:37 GMT -5
Posts: 3,037
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Post by msventoux on May 6, 2015 1:03:16 GMT -5
I can answer that. Cats are more likely to land on their feet when they fall from a greater distance. A short distance doesn't give them enough time to flip over.
And no...if you have a cat, you'll never go to the bathroom alone again. Ever. Unless you go to a hotel.
No, he's just special. The top perch is over 6 feet from the floor. All the girls can right themselves, but I think he's too heavy of a sleeper and doesn't realize he's been knocked off the perch until he's almost ground level. I have vaulted ceilings and wanted to run shelving along the wall at around 14 feet up the wall so the cats could look out all of the upper windows. But I'd have to install guard rails or safety nets for the boy. Or maybe buy him a trapeze belt.
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cael
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 9:12:36 GMT -5
Posts: 5,745
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Post by cael on May 6, 2015 7:28:38 GMT -5
Why are you such a bitch to Tucker (my mother's cat), who loves you to pieces? Why do you hate my dad? (I can answer that - he's loud and teases her) Why are you a pain in the ass and don't eat your medicine-treats for my parents when we're gone? Why do you think licking my face to wake me up and pet you is a good idea? Why do you think every time I close the bathroom door, I'll never come back out so you meow pathetically for me? Why are you so godamned cute?!
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NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 6, 2015 8:58:38 GMT -5
I have no problem picturing this. My kitty does it, too. They know it gets your attention. OK, the wrong kind of attention, but it does work.
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Virgil Showlion
Distinguished Associate
Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:19:33 GMT -5
Posts: 27,448
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Post by Virgil Showlion on May 6, 2015 9:18:49 GMT -5
Seek help, people. SEEK HELP!
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lexxy703
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 26, 2011 13:52:17 GMT -5
Posts: 13,771
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Post by lexxy703 on May 6, 2015 12:34:43 GMT -5
Seek help, people. SEEK HELP! I am a cat person but it is insane the things we put up with for the love of cats. I would ask Maggie why she was never litter trained. I have never had any other cat that won't use a box.
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Virgil Showlion
Distinguished Associate
Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:19:33 GMT -5
Posts: 27,448
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Post by Virgil Showlion on May 6, 2015 22:27:10 GMT -5
I would like to ask my cat: is this post going to erroneously end up in the post quarantine?
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 6, 2015 22:29:28 GMT -5
No, but maybe in the litter box.
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mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
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Post by mmhmm on May 6, 2015 22:45:17 GMT -5
Chooch: Why is it necessary to try out all 100+ yowls in your vocabulary while on the way from the living room to the sunroom? Also, why does it have to be at glass-breaking volume? Eh?
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