mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Feb 3, 2014 7:09:45 GMT -5
I have been making it a point, in addition to decluttering and organizing my stuff and me, to start decluttering the people (and their negative attitudes and energies) around me. While some people believe that this is in my best interest (including moi), others feel that this self-centered and I am on a 1 way path with destruction. "People are not something you declutter." Well I always thought people and their diversity was to be valued and respected, hence the decluttering. Thoughts please.
I had this argument with someone recently...
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Feb 3, 2014 7:50:50 GMT -5
I'm doing something similar, mizbear. It's difficult to write someone off and completely "declutter" them, but I do find myself consciously limiting time with them and saying "no" to more things that involve being with them in a small group. I also find myself less forgiving when they do inconsiderate things over and over.
One of those people asked a close friend of mine why the time, the meeting place, and duration of the socializing was up to me, and I told my close friend it's not up to me. If they want to go someplace, meet earlier, stay longer, that's fine. I don't have to go. Why am I not allowed to decide what works for me? Short answer: I can, and now I do.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 3, 2014 15:49:58 GMT -5
I think I was born a little too good at this. Dh jokes about never wanting to get on my bad side, because its rare that I let someone come back from that. I'm a healthier person because of it though. The way dh lets his parents treat him is deplorable. After all these years, it is his choice and I do remind him of that. He can vent to me, but he knows how I would deal with the issue. My sister has some pretty serious mental health issues, and because of those and our history I wasn't willing to completely walk away from her when I would have from pretty much everyone else. However, there were several years where I only saw her at family functions or I would invite her to the movies. The movies because I wouldn't have to talk to her much. It preserved our relationship enough that we are on much better terms these days. I just look at it that I have very limited time and I truly can't spend it on people who waste my time or energy. I should probably add that I don't have a lot of friends--and I'm okay with that.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Feb 3, 2014 22:48:01 GMT -5
I started doing this as well beginning the latter part of last year. I don't think I was ever a doormat, but I put up with certain things and people in order to keep the peace and maintain relationships. I've been reevaluating the relationships and some of them just aren't worth the trouble, particularly if the other party isn't willing to make compromises.
I'm extremely selfish in their eyes now, precisely because I'm no longer allowing them to be completely selfish and demanding. I've decided that if people and things don't bring a positive value to my life, they need to go away so I can make more room for the good and fulfilling things life has to offer.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 3, 2014 23:44:39 GMT -5
Except for my IL's I've never been in a relationship with anyone who didn't bring me at least some joy.
So, to answer OP - I don't "declutter", I just never "clutter" in the first place.
Of course, I've been told that I hold too high of standards for people, so there is downside there.....
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mizbear
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Stand back. I have a budget, and I know how to use it.
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Post by mizbear on Feb 4, 2014 5:40:34 GMT -5
Except for my IL's I've never been in a relationship with anyone who didn't bring me at least some joy. So, to answer OP - I don't "declutter", I just never "clutter" in the first place. Of course, I've been told that I hold too high of standards for people, so there is downside there..... That's not too high a standard. It simply means you won't get walked on. As far as ILs think of them as necessary evil to the joys they indirectly bring into your life.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 4, 2014 7:56:54 GMT -5
Except for my IL's I've never been in a relationship with anyone who didn't bring me at least some joy. So, to answer OP - I don't "declutter", I just never "clutter" in the first place. Of course, I've been told that I hold too high of standards for people, so there is downside there..... That's not too high a standard. It simply means you won't get walked on. As far as ILs think of them as necessary evil to the joys they indirectly bring into your life.That is such a great point!!!!
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mizbear
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Stand back. I have a budget, and I know how to use it.
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Post by mizbear on Feb 17, 2014 21:15:25 GMT -5
My recent surgery has made it even easier to declutter leeches, vampires, and other assorted negative vibe vendors. I have no desire to be surrounded by these people especially right now while I can't get up and walk away from them. I have also found out just who some of my biggest cheerleaders and detractors are. The results are a bit scary.
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grits
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Post by grits on Feb 17, 2014 21:45:50 GMT -5
I started this over 20 years ago. I did not speak to my parents for over 8 years. Those were very peaceful years. I am currently resigning from the tri-executorship over my dad's estate. My brother and sister are toxic. I do not suffer irresponsible fools well. Years ago, I developed the ability to mentally type /ignore (person's name here). You can be standing right next to me, and saying vile things about me, I don't care. It drives them crazy that I will carry on pleasant conversations while ignoring their insults.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2014 22:36:32 GMT -5
I'm extremely selfish in their eyes now, precisely because I'm no longer allowing them to be completely selfish and demanding. I've decided that if people and things don't bring a positive value to my life, they need to go away so I can make more room for the good and fulfilling things life has to offer. Exactly that. The only people that will give you a hard time about sending them to the dustbin are the ones that were using you. Go bear go!
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kjto1
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Post by kjto1 on Feb 18, 2014 6:56:06 GMT -5
I'm extremely selfish in their eyes now, precisely because I'm no longer allowing them to be completely selfish and demanding. I've decided that if people and things don't bring a positive value to my life, they need to go away so I can make more room for the good and fulfilling things life has to offer. Exactly that. The only people that will give you a hard time about sending them to the dustbin are the ones that were using you. Go bear go! I agree!
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Feb 18, 2014 7:19:17 GMT -5
That's what I am finding too. "N" and Mom are both trying to discredit everything I say and do b/c I have put my foot down to them. In fact, Mom has gone so far as to suggest my mental health status be re-evaluated b/c I lose my temper when I get tired of her crap. Well, um, she moved in with me. I set some basic house rules ans she can't follow them. Sorry but making up a differential in bills that you created does not give you carte Blanche in my house..
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mizbear
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Stand back. I have a budget, and I know how to use it.
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Post by mizbear on Feb 21, 2014 2:37:16 GMT -5
In all of this deciding not to be walked on anymore, I am upsetting some family members. However, I can not allow current situations to continue as they are. One of the issues finally coming to resolution with all of this is DB and my car. He will have to return the car now and take a loss on the amount he paid for it. He is not happy, but he intends to drag this out for as long as possible. I have also made my mother unhappy, not that it takes much sometimes. Her moving in with me was supposed to be a temporary solution to a problem that came with stipulations. She can suddenly go everywhere with her church friends, but can't take care of business at home. Done. Not playing this game anymore. I have also cut off contact with ex-bff N for her negative behavior. And while the prospect of putting several grand into a car that would still be fairly pristine had I not Lent it out is depressing, it is still cheaper right now than buying a new car, although I May drive it a while and then sell it and buy something else so I don't have to listen to DB. But I see no point in it since my cousin will be doing the work to the car ans gives me awesome prices. He haa his own shop.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Feb 21, 2014 8:09:11 GMT -5
mizbear, way back when, I commenced on your signature line at the bottom of the posts, and how much I liked it. I figured you were on your guard about people like that. But I realize it's easier to say things than do them, and even more difficult when it's family. I'm not sure I know why your DB was driving your car. Did he buy it from you? But later you say you lent it out. I might be thinking of someone else. But wasn't there an issue with DB and someone else's car, DGM's maybe?
If he intends to drag it out for as long as possible, what can you do to make that NOT happen? Once you get it back, can you keep it in a garage or someplace where he can't just go and help himself to it as needed? Or will you have to change the door locks?
I would be sorely tempted to get the car fixed, sell it, and buy something else that doesn't have all that bad juju.
I've got fingers and toes crossed for you. Sounds like your life needs a good decluttering of some people!
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Feb 21, 2014 10:13:42 GMT -5
My brother doesn't treat his toys well. He blew up his cavalier, wrecked my Mom's Mountaineer, burned up his Astro (which we think was still in his bosses name) and then he and my father came sniffing around to get one of our cars because we weren't driving both of them. I wouldn't let my brother drive my car, so he started driving my father's Neon and my father started driving my car, with several stipulations, including that the vehicle had to be paid off by a certain date, no smoking in the vehicle etc. My father died suddenly in July and brother took my car because father's car was not safe to drive. He paid off my loan amount with the insurance money and was supposed to get the car out of his name- except he can't legally. And what I found out through some digging of my own is that my brother is not as innocent in all of this as he would like people to think. Mom encouraged me to let them use the car because DB was in danger of going to jail for non-payment of CS and needed the car for work. Well, he also quit his job.
There is only one key for the car, so I don't have to worry about him coming and getting the car once I take it back. He figures I won't say anything because he thinks he can get his whole (he says $9000) $8832 back. Sorry buddy, you have violated the terms of the agreement and straight up lied to me to get your hands on the car. Unfortunately, the costs for fixing the car will be several thousand dollars because he has spent most of his insurance money (I got none) on video games and treating his friends, instead of maintaining the car.
SO, yes it started out as a loan, then one was supposed to buy it, then the other.
I just refuse to let him keep hanging this over my head. I can't go buy another car until this one is out of my name, and I need a vehicle.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Feb 21, 2014 20:21:31 GMT -5
Oh, mizbear, that's quite a story. I hate when you try to help out family but then they end up using you because you are family. You don't want to be the sort of person who never is willing to help, but you don't want people to think that they have a right to whatever is yours.
I wouldn't want my DB or DS to go homeless or hungry. They don't, now. And I must say that neither one has been too demanding (but it took me saying no 20 years ago). But I do foresee a day when the demands could come. Your situation with DM is making me reconsider whether I might ever offer for them to move in with me, under my rules. DS does follow through on promises, DB not as much. And when they are even less able to follow through, it could be trouble.
I feel for you.
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mizbear
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Stand back. I have a budget, and I know how to use it.
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Post by mizbear on Feb 21, 2014 21:31:33 GMT -5
Mom and I had a meeting tonight. She has agreed that she needs to work on some things and will be more respectful of the my house my rules thing. I will also be getting my car back unless by DB can work out a very quick deal with the IRS.
So, it looks like maybe things will get better....
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Feb 21, 2014 21:35:50 GMT -5
Fingers crossed...
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mizbear
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Stand back. I have a budget, and I know how to use it.
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Post by mizbear on Mar 12, 2014 16:44:42 GMT -5
The process of decluttering people from my life is making it much easier to be successful in my goals.
I have also found that some people don't realize what they are doing, others are just PIAs.
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