America Needs More "Free Range Kids"

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

I'm not "sold" by any means, I am intrigued by this idea of "free range kids". I think how much to trust our kids, and how much to let them do is a complex issue.  However, while I'm not exactly a seasoned world traveler, I have enough experience outside the US (what I call the "bubble") to know that our kids are woefully under-challenged.  I've seen orphaned 11 year olds caring for infants in Haiti, for example.  

I have a basic theory about how people- kids included- handle challenges:

To some extent, a person can be coached- pushed, prepared, tried, and tested in advance of real life challenges and can to some degree be made ready.  To a large degree, you never truly know what the real challenges are going to be; and human beings are capable of bearing much, much more than they will ever even think to prepare for.  Like the aforementioned 11 year old- and his infant sibling- who is by no means the only one, nor is he the worst off I've seen- people will rise to the challenges before them.

I think while we can prepare to some extent, what am I supposed to tell my 9 and 3 year old kids?  I can't really prepare them.  I may be successful in scaring the shit out of them, but how can I convey useful information to others when in reality I can't even wrap my own head all the possible challenges we might face?  Do I tell them about the tornadoes yesterday, and show them pictures?  What good will it do?  And with respect to other challenges- disasters, economic troubles, pestilence like the bird flu, civil unrest, and you name it- I've never experienced anything like these challenges.  I've had it pretty easy, actually, myself.  I've read and listened to the accounts of others who have experienced all manner of troubles, recently, and at other times- but how to really understand it?  Let alone to convey it?

That being said, even assuming things go "OK", life marches on- there are things I think we need to think about for our kids.  The first is: we cannot live in fear every second that some perv is going to molest them, abduct them, or both.  Odds are pretty poor that will happen to any of our kids.

And while knowing what I know about head injuries today, I no longer scoff at the idea of wearing a bike helmet (as I did when I was a kid), and I'm frankly pretty happy with the fact that for my kids- it's the norm, and they're not the one-off weirdo for wearing the helmet on the bike or skateboard (it's required at the skate park anyway).  

At the same time, however, I worry a little bit about the defacto "rubber room" our kids are growing up in.  Everything is padded, playgrounds are practically foam rubber these days- and built so a kid over about 4 can't even really enjoy them.  I, OTOH, used to climb nearly two full stories up a metall twister slide (the stair way went up in two sections with a landing), and slide down at some considerable speed to a dirt and gravel landing.  I used to hang at Phil's Beach (way better than Sunny Hill, btw) in Waucanda (SP?), IL on the lake where they had all-manner of "dangerous" water amenities- my personal favorite was the "J-Slide" where you'd whip down a metal slide hit the bottom "J" and launch into the air and land in the water.  There was a slippery wooden water wheel you could climb on top of and challenge your own agility.  Good stuff- but stuff you'd NEVER see today.  But even my upbringing was cake compared to a time not that long ago in our young nation's history.

independentfilmnewsandmedia.com/america-needs-more-free-range-kids-by-john-stossel/

Are you a real man (or woman)? Do you have “grit”?

Compare yourself to the man on the $20 bill: Andrew Jackson, our seventh president.

During the Revolutionary War, Jackson volunteered to fight. He was just 13 years old at the time. The British captured him and made him a servant for British officers. When one ordered Jackson to clean his boots, Jackson refused, and the officer slashed Jackson’s hand with a sword. When Jackson became president, he showed off the scar.

Jackson had grit.

Do your kids have that much grit today? I doubt it. Parents now try to protect kids from all danger. In New York City, some won’t let teenagers go to school by themselves.

Lenore Skenazy, author of “Free-Range Kids,” thinks that’s absurd.

“Free-range kids are kids we believe in,” she told me. “They can do things on their own.”

[billisonboard]

Love and Logic Solution: Guidelines for Sharing Control Through Choices
www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/sharingcontrol.pdf

Cline and Fay - great stuff:

www.loveandlogic.com/what-is-for-parents.html

[Malarky]

From the moment they were born I knew that someday I would have to let go of my kids and that my job was to prepare them for that.  Part of that is instilling values and teaching life skills.

I firmly believe that kids need time to be kids, that they shouldn't be scheduled every second of the day.  That they can experience and survive boredom.  That they should be free to explore, within limits.  My kids have not been raised in a bubble and they have the scars and emergency room visits to prove it.  I know some of you are cringing and judging right now.  It's OK, I am confident that I've made the right choices and can handle any censure.

So I let my kids walk to school alone in 3rd grade.  Two blocks and you'd have thought I'd staked them naked in the desert with the way some of the other mothers carried on.  DS was allowed to ride his bike, alone, around town at 10.  DD has been walking to her friends' houses for years.  She won't ride a bike since she was run off the road by a driver who checked to make sure she was still breathing and then sped off.  It sucked, but she had enough know how to pick herself up and report it to the police.  

And so on.  Right now, I'm dealing with other parents who want their teens supervised at all times.  Umm, OK, I won't leave your kid in my house if I'm not home, but understand that my kids aren't subjected to that kind of scrutiny.  And if they say they're going to Jessie's house to watch a movie, I believe them, I'm not going to follow them.

My kids can cook.  They do their own laundry.  They know how to make appointments.  They are somewhat familiar with budgeting. 

Sometimes they fail and make mistakes.  This is the time to be doing that, while they live at home and have their parents to fall back on.  I feel bad for the kids who go off to college and have never done anything on their own. 

I don't want to end up with 26 year old children who live at home and aren't ready to be launched into the world.  I know enough of them.

Personally, I'd like to see more free range children.  One's that aren't afraid to get dirty, or hurt.  One's that can figure out how to entertain themselves.  One's that are willing to take a five mile walk to watch the water go over the falls.  One's who feel comfortable with kids and adults of all ages.  Kids that will enjoy their childhood, but that won't remain perpetual children.  

  

[jkapp]

I don't have children, but I often wonder how I would treat them if I did.  Would I be a helicopter parent or allow them some freedom?

Personally, I've always hated bike helmets...I see now that they are standard and even regulated to having to wear them.  I grew up in a town of 20,000...and not one single kid (not one) was ever injured or killed on his/her bike.  There were a few scrapes and bruises from falling (I think I had perpetual scraped knees all through childhood ), but never any real injuries.  Of course, we were also taught to obey the rules of the road and watch/yield for traffic.  Even adult bike riders these days don't seem to think that stop signs are for them, and that the world will pass around them as they wrecklessly travel on the roads.

Our playground equipment was made of metal and wood...you came home from the playground needing to have splinters taken out every so often, but other that, again, no serious injuries.  And, sure, on a hot, sunny summer day the metal slide was 10,000 degrees...but you figured out pretty quickly how to slide down without burning yourself

IMO, we tend to think kids are too stupid to figure things out or deal with certain hazardous situations, and in some cases we probably try to keep them stupid by not teaching them how to properly handle such things.  Maybe its a way to keep them dependent on the parents longer, which some parents really want, I'm sure.

[billisonboard]

I think that lawsuits need to be taken into account when we talk about "then" and now.

[thyme4change]

We are too terrified to let our kids play in the front yard, and then we are pissed when they don't move out on their 18th birthday.

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

May 20, 2013 10:22:25 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

I think that lawsuits need to be taken into account when we talk about "then" and now.

What do you mean by this?

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

May 20, 2013 10:47:56 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

We are too terrified to let our kids play in the front yard, and then we are pissed when they don't move out on their 18th birthday.

 Exactly!

[billisonboard]

May 20, 2013 11:06:11 GMT -5 AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP said:

May 20, 2013 10:22:25 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

I think that lawsuits need to be taken into account when we talk about "then" and now.

What do you mean by this?

Dollars and sense. When faced with the risk of a multimillion dollar lawsuit if a kid slips on the jungle gym, it isn't a tough call to pull it out of the city park.

[Deleted]

May 20, 2013 11:43:29 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

May 20, 2013 11:06:11 GMT -5 AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP said:

What do you mean by this?

Dollars and sense. When faced with the risk of a multimillion dollar lawsuit if a kid slips on the jungle gym, it isn't a tough call to pull it out of the city park.

[Wisconsin Beth]

My kids are 5 and 3.5.  I don't want to be a helicopter parent but then there are times when I can't let go. 

I guess my kids are going to need therapy for the cross signals of "rub a little dirt on it" and "oh, baby.  Come let mommy make it better" smothering... 

*-*-*-*-
My 3.5 year old DS isn't allowed outside without supervision.  We've FINALLY broken him of the running in the street habit.  And hitting and biting are no longer his 1st impulses (pushing is now.  Sigh.)  I break up stuff between him and the 4 year girl from next door every 5-10 minutes or so when we're all outside. 

The 5 year old is allowed to play outside with the neighbor girls but she must stay in our yard or theirs.  There's a clearly defined point where she's not allowed to go beyond. 

*-*-*-*-
I know I was walking myself to the library at 5, crossing 2 quiet streets to get there.  And my bff and I would walk to the pool most days in summer (about 9 blocks each way, crossing a major street) starting when we were 6 or so.  But the neighborhood was quieter/slower then.  I don't remember as much car traffic even though the busy street was/is a state highway.  But this was in the 70s.  Nowadays, I don't think our Moms would let us do that.  Part of it is changes in the neighborhood and part of it is awareness of everything that could go wrong. 

Don't get me wrong, I want to raise strong, independent smart ass kids who know how to work.  But I'm not very sure how to get there! 

Anyway I'm rambling. 

[thyme4change]

My Mom started leaving me alone when I was 6-ish.  Not for long, 15 minutes as she ran to pick up my sisters, or whatever.  By 8 or 9, I could consistently stay alone during the day for an hour or two.  Now my kids are nearly 9 and 11, and she gets super pissed when I leave them alone, even if it is for 15 minutes as I run to drop the other kid off at practice, or whatever.  Although, maybe it is that she now realizes how badly a person can turn out when left to their own devices.  

[Malarky]

I think you get there by watching them and teaching them when they are very young and then slowly letting go. 

I don't suggest letting a kid who still runs into the street be left alone to fend for themselves, but I do suggest that you could be sitting on a bench at the playground letting your kids work things out for themselves rather than be the parent who takes the shovel away and moves the sand for them. 

And when those kids are 6 or 7, maybe they could be trusted to hang at the playground alone for a time.  Don't worry about supervision, there will be plenty of helicopter parents to judge you and let you know that they would never leave their special little snowflake alone in the big, bad world.

[Spellbound454]

I went out with a man who hovered around his child in the public playground saying, "I think its Robert's turn now".... and booting all the other kids out of the way so his child could get on the swings.
How annoying was he...?  Not just to all the other parents...but also to me.

How was his child ever supposed to develop any independence.

[Deleted]

how old was Robert?

[Spellbound454]

Robert was 9

Seriously my kids were there at the same time.....years younger....and making sure they got their turns... all by themselves.

[thyme4change]

May 20, 2013 12:46:51 GMT -5 Spellbound454 said:

I went out with a man who hovered around his child in the public playground saying, "I think its Robert's turn now".... and booting all the other kids out of the way so his child could get on the swings.
How annoying was he...?  Not just to all the other parents...but also to me.

How was his child ever supposed to develop any independence.

That is pretty annoying - especially at 9.  But, that kid has to fend for himself at school - so hopefully he is learning more about handling himself during the school days.  I would think a 9 YO would be embarrassed by this behavior.  

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 20, 2013 12:11:10 GMT -5 Malarky said:

I think you get there by watching them and teaching them when they are very young and then slowly letting go. 

I don't suggest letting a kid who still runs into the street be left alone to fend for themselves, but I do suggest that you could be sitting on a bench at the playground letting your kids work things out for themselves rather than be the parent who takes the shovel away and moves the sand for them. 

And when those kids are 6 or 7, maybe they could be trusted to hang at the playground alone for a time.  Don't worry about supervision, there will be plenty of helicopter parents to judge you and let you know that they would never leave their special little snowflake alone in the big, bad world.

We play chase at the playground.  Usually a couple other kids will join in to help DD hide or run with her.  I'm the mommy monster or something, out to get her.  I walk/slowly jog around the play equipment while they climb and run and slide.  There's lots of screaming too.   

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 20, 2013 12:51:28 GMT -5 Spellbound454 said:

Robert was 9

Seriously my kids were there at the same time.....years younger....and making sure they got their turns... all by themselves.

When DD complains about not getting a turn, I sometimes ask her if she asked/spoke up for herself.  If she did and was ignored, that's one thing.  If she didn't ask, it's more "too bad, so sad" 

My parenting style, if we can call it that, is this mixture of hand's off and hovering. 

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

May 20, 2013 11:43:29 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

May 20, 2013 11:06:11 GMT -5 AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP said:

What do you mean by this?

Dollars and sense. When faced with the risk of a multimillion dollar lawsuit if a kid slips on the jungle gym, it isn't a tough call to pull it out of the city park.

Ah, OK- yeah, no doubt.

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

And btw- I'm not saying it's a bad thing we look out for kids a little better than "back in the day". I find no badge of honor in hurt, maimed, or dead kids because making a playground that much safer might not "toughen them up".

I think where I am "sold" on the idea of "free range" kids is more along the lines of what Malarky posted- would it be so terrible to raise 3rd graders that can walk themselves to school, or to have kids that can do a load of laundry, or move out just shy of a decade past the legal age of adulthood.

[thyme4change]

Time magazine said there are more people in their 20's living with their parents than living with spouses.  

[billisonboard]

May 20, 2013 12:57:28 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

May 20, 2013 9:17:46 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Love and Logic Solution: Guidelines for Sharing Control Through Choices
www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/sharingcontrol.pdf

Cline and Fay - great stuff:

www.loveandlogic.com/what-is-for-parents.html

Thanks. Just sent this to both daughters.

It is great stuff. Our kids had total control of their hair (except for chemical coloring) from the age of 5. There were a couple of very interesting yet short lived styles over the years. They certainly learned about social norms and the consequences of violating them.

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

May 20, 2013 12:58:04 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

May 20, 2013 12:51:28 GMT -5 Spellbound454 said:

Robert was 9

Seriously my kids were there at the same time.....years younger....and making sure they got their turns... all by themselves.

When DD complains about not getting a turn, I sometimes ask her if she asked/spoke up for herself.  If she did and was ignored, that's one thing.  If she didn't ask, it's more "too bad, so sad" 

My parenting style, if we can call it that, is this mixture of hand's off and hovering. 

The single greatest success lesson I've learned in my life is to decide precisely what you want, and then ASK for it in a clear an unambiguous way.  If you do not, it is safe to say you will NEVER get anything you want.  Live doesn't lend itself to people who stand there looking stupid as it passes them by and then complain about it later.

[Sum Dum Gai]

We've been free range kids advocates for a few years. 

We talk all the time about helicopter parents but I'm finding that they're rarer than our media makes them seem.  For example, after closing ceremonies my daughter wanted some friends from her team to come over but the wife and I were going out with friends that night.  We told our daughter we didn't mind her having people over while we were out as long as their parents understood that we wouldn't be there.  They had to follow the normal ground rules, of course, don't burn the house down, and stay out of the liquor cabinet.  I honestly thought the other parents would all say no since my daughter and her friends are 12.  They all said no big deal they have cell phones if something comes up.

[Deleted]

I am suuuuuuuure the kids all told their parents there would be no adults there.

[Spellbound454]

The single greatest success lesson I've learned in my life is to decide precisely what you want, and then ASK for it in a clear an unambiguous way. If you do not, it is safe to say you will NEVER get anything you want. Live doesn't lend itself to people who stand there looking stupid as it passes them by and then complain about it later.

Exactly.....Which is why helicopter parents really aren't doing their kids any favours.
Let them find a way...even if its only in the playground.

I'm also a believer in letting them get bored without thinking you have to provide all the entertainment.
They will learn how to make their own amusement and appreciate the little things in life.

The more they appreciate, the more satisfied they will be as adults....

Nothing worse than spoilt kids who think the world owes them a living.

[Sum Dum Gai]

We told the parents there would be no adults there.  This is Comifornia dude, I don't need no lawsuit from a crazy helicopter parent because their kid never learned to use a stove or oven and burns themselves, or they need therapy after digging around in my browser history, or some other equally ridiculous thing that flashes through your mind when you picture half a dozen pre-teens alone in your house.

[Deleted]

May 20, 2013 14:38:31 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

We told the parents there would be no adults there.  This is Comifornia dude, I don't need no lawsuit from a crazy helicopter parent because their kid never learned to use a stove or oven and burns themselves, or they need therapy after digging around in my browser history, or some other equally ridiculous thing that flashes through your mind when you picture half a dozen pre-teens alone in your house.

smart.


You must be laid back over there in CA, though.  I can't imagine CT parents being ok with that.

[mmhmm]

May 20, 2013 14:10:01 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

May 20, 2013 12:57:28 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

Thanks. Just sent this to both daughters.

It is great stuff. Our kids had total control of their hair (except for chemical coloring) from the age of 5. There were a couple of very interesting yet short lived styles over the years. They certainly learned about social norms and the consequences of violating them.

LOL!  Oh, boy, does that bring back memories!  My daughter wanted a new look.  We'd talked about it, and I'd even made some suggestions on what I thought would look nice.  She, of course, had her own ideas.  She came out of the salon looking like a frightened wet-mop.  She'd decided to get a permanent, but not have her hair cut.  Then, she was too proud to admit she'd blown that decision badly, so she insisted she loved it.  We were back to the salon for a haircut and styling the next week.