Green Eyed Lady
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Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Dec 17, 2012 15:09:33 GMT -5
Ava? I've always subscribed to the "it's better to be alone than to be with the wrong person" and that doesn't just mean for life. That means dinner, movies, vacations, etc. This dude sounds a bit flightly and chances are that he isn't going to be in the picture long anyway. If it makes you uncomfortable and it is going to ruin your holiday, don't go. That doesn't mean you are cutting out your friends. It means one dinner. If you want to go, GO. Don't let him make the decision for you one way or the other.
I'm so glad you saw through him and didn't make a mistake you would be paying for for a long time. Good for you on your job, your education and your strength.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Dec 17, 2012 15:34:56 GMT -5
OK, she doesn't love him anymore. Good. Feeling that he knows too much? Well, you know as much about him as he knows about you. If you don't have feelings about him - laugh!!! What do you care? Have a good time!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 17, 2012 16:01:09 GMT -5
Wait, is he still married to someone else and dating your friend's daughter?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Dec 17, 2012 16:10:53 GMT -5
You refused to change your plans for him when you loved him, certainly don't change your plans because of him now.
Try not to let him ruin the evening. He wasn't the person for you & he tried to use you. That isn't your fault & you should be proud you didn't let him use you. That takes strength.
As others have said - try counseling or at least try to figure out exactly why this bothers you so much.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Dec 17, 2012 16:13:38 GMT -5
Yes, sitting home alone on a holiday and cutting off contact with your friends when you have a hard time making friends will make everything all better. Yep! It is really horrible to be alone at your own place, having some wine, watching awesome movies, go to bed early and wake up without recollection of looks, stares, moves, heart sinking...etc. I can think of more horrible time spending like being in company of your old flame who is dating his new flame!!! But Tloony - you're skipping the best part of this! After the Holiday whenever someone asks you 'how was your Holiday!" in a bright cheery voice after they've told you about their family get together. You can scowl and roll your eyes and say: You have family and friends! I stayed home and watched movies and slept. in your best "pity me" voice. Oh, wait... you're not a woman I know who avoids her family because of slights and injustices she's can't let go off/get past/find an acceptable way to deal with emotionally... (in her defense - she is in therapy and now has medication) .
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Dec 17, 2012 16:18:20 GMT -5
Ava, I think you need to take a good hard look at why this guy is affecting you so much so long after your relationship ended. This isn't normal for a grown woman.
Were you really in love with this guy, or was it some kind of obsession?
Are you the type of person who falls for jerks? Some women go all giddy the moment any attractive man shows them attention, while others hold back until the guy has proven himself to be a decent person. Which group do you think ends up with the nice men?
Are you someone who thrives on drama? Kind, sensible men don't want drama queens.
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DVM gone riding
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Post by DVM gone riding on Dec 17, 2012 16:37:48 GMT -5
I am I not getting why you are so hung up. You over dramatized a situation and were never actually dating this guy then he stood you up after he failed to manipulate you to do what he wanted and good for you for standing up for yourself and realizing he was a douchcanon. So go on with life and just politely talk to him when you have to. Why are you giving an idiot that you never even dated this much control?
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nogooddeed
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Post by nogooddeed on Dec 17, 2012 17:14:51 GMT -5
I'd go, enjoy my friends' company, eat a nice meal, drink a few nice glasses of wine and congratulate myself for not having ended up with such a loser. ;D
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2012 17:15:46 GMT -5
"What I have now is the awkward feeling of being around someone who knew me too well, and who tried to take advantage of me. That's it. He knows a lot about me, and it feels really uncomfortable."
This is a two-way street. You also knew things about him, things that the new GF may or may not know. So it may be uncomfortable for him also. Who knows, he may not even show up. I think you should definitely go. I bet it won't be as bad as you think and in time you won't even notice him.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Dec 17, 2012 19:32:44 GMT -5
Thanks, yes, I'll go and enjoy my friends' company. I'm never around for the holidays because I travel to my country. This year I got a new job and can't travel just yet. But I know they have a good time together. I hadn't thought about it, but it's true. I know a lot about him. He even badmouthed my best friend's husband a couple of times. I would never repeat anything he told me. I am not that kind of person. Beth, he's not dating anybody. He's living with someone. But he's legally married to somebody else. It was just an arrangement. I know I should be over it, and I was until he showed up again. I haven't even thought about him in a very long time. It all came back when he showed up. I'll be at the Christmas party and I will enjoy myself. I love parties.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 17, 2012 19:48:00 GMT -5
Good luck, Ava.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Dec 17, 2012 19:58:28 GMT -5
I'll be at the Christmas party and I will enjoy myself. I love parties. Girl, you got a degree in your second language. You can handle yourself with ten jerks. Have a great time!
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Dec 17, 2012 20:03:56 GMT -5
I know it doesn't feel like it, but this really isn't that bad. You were in love with somebody, now you're not, and you have to see that person occasionally in social situations. Most married people were in love with somebody, now they aren't, and they have to share a bed every night.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 17, 2012 20:38:20 GMT -5
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Dec 17, 2012 21:31:37 GMT -5
I have a real issue with being embarrassed and then being around people that were involved in that or were around to witness it. Perhaps you feel embarrassed that you fell for this guy and told him things and he did not reciprocate that feeling? I still get anxious when I have to be around people that were involved in situations where I felt embarrassed/stupid. But it isn't like they have ever brought it up. I do wonder if they talk about the incident behind my back, even though it is more than a decade old and I was a stupid kid back then. Ahh, self-esteem issues.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 17, 2012 21:48:37 GMT -5
Go and do your best to enjoy yourself. You don't want to be alone. I vote for the don't go to early and leave if/when it feels uncomfortable to you.
My bet is he won't pay any attention to you since he seems to lead a rather complicated life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2012 22:58:55 GMT -5
This all seems rather petty and high school crush-ish.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Dec 18, 2012 7:10:07 GMT -5
Believe me, it's not petty. I am not wanting revenge or anything. I just wanted the past to remain in the past. About it being high-school, well, yes. I have a well developed intellect, but I am not very mature emotionally. That doesn't mean my feelings aren't real.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 18, 2012 12:11:48 GMT -5
Believe me, it's not petty. I am not wanting revenge or anything. I just wanted the past to remain in the past. About it being high-school, well, yes. I have a well developed intellect, but I am not very mature emotionally. That doesn't mean my feelings aren't real. Life is telling you what you want isn't realistic. Deal with your feelings the best you can. I think you probably need to forgive yourself more than him. It is rare for the past to be stored in some box and never ever pop up again. Dealing with it the best you can makes more sense than trying to hide away from it or your friends. Concentrate on the fact you are happy you didn't marry him and you aren't the marriage of convenience. Good luck.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 18, 2012 12:39:44 GMT -5
Ava: I don't want to come off too harsh here, because your feelings are your feelings, but lets take a look at this from your best friend's point of view. Six years ago, as you were going through an awful divorce, you developed feelings for a guy, feelings that were more intense than they otherwise would have been because of where you were in your life. At the same time, you and said guy never even dated. There were arrangements for one date, and he stood you up. You moved on. You got your degree, a fabulous new job, etc. You are doing great. Now same guy is dating her niece, has actually moved in with her niece. Likely she had no idea it was the same guy when her niece started dating him, but that doesn't really matter. He obviously matters a lot to her niece. Now, you are trying to put her in the position of deciding whose emotions are more important to her- yours or her niece's. Like it or not, most of us are going to say her niece's feelings should win out- because she's her family. But also because you are a grown woman who hasn't seen this guy in over 6 years, who has created for herself a much better life than she had at the time, and a better life than he wanted you to have. By rational measures (and emotions are not rational) you should be over this and be able to interact civilly with him. And even if your best friend would like not to invite him, what would that do to her relationships with her sister/brother and her niece?
You are better than him. You've proved it. So go to the party and enjoy the company of your friends. Smile politely at him, and if he asks how you're doing, you can say- "oh, well you remember I was going back to school? I graduated with my degree this last summer and started a fabulous new job at a bank. I hear you're still at company X?"
And if this is really so painful for you, get a counselor. This guy, who was never really part of your life, shouldn't still have this much control on your emotions, not after 6 years.
edited because I mixed up relationships and had typed that guy was dating bf's daughter, when it is actually her niece
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Dec 18, 2012 14:36:52 GMT -5
Believe me, it's not petty. I am not wanting revenge or anything. I just wanted the past to remain in the past. About it being high-school, well, yes. I have a well developed intellect, but I am not very mature emotionally. That doesn't mean my feelings aren't real. Yes, your feelings are real, but that doesn't mean they are rational or right or that others should tiptoe around them. Being an emotionally immature drama queen is going to bite you in the ass. I would strongly urge you to go to counciling to help with these issues, because this world isn't very kind to those who let others control their emotions.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Dec 18, 2012 18:21:10 GMT -5
You guys are so right, and give good advice. That's why I keep posting even when something is embarrassing or shows me in a bad light. I wouldn't get other people's opinion otherwise. A lot of food for thought. I am way better than I was six years ago, and I am glad this guy isn't part of my life. Like I said before, I decided to go to the party and enjoy myself. After all, my friends will be there. Yes, I am sorry this guy is around in my social circle. But I guess it could be worse. If I think about it, he actually hangs out with my friends a lot because he doesn't have any friends of his own and no family in this country. He used to socialize with family and friends of a previous partner six years ago, but then his relationship with the ex turned very ugly and he was on his own. So now he comes to his partner's family and friends parties. When my best friend asked him if he had plans for Christmas, he said not at all. He's pretty lonely in fact, except for having a romantic partner. I am already doing counseling, but I never talked about this guy. Should I not be able to get over this on my own, definitely would include it in my therapy.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Dec 18, 2012 18:31:26 GMT -5
Oh Ava, that is so good to hear.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 18, 2012 21:12:18 GMT -5
I am already doing counseling, but I never talked about this guy. Should I not be able to get over this on my own, definitely would include it in my therapy. I am also glad to hear this. I think it's a bit harsh to say this is high schoolish. Feelings are feelings. I know I've done some embarrassing things in my life. There was a time when I did not want to see the man I was involved with. I was an adult and so was he. If I saw him today, I'd have no problems with it. I actually used to think I'd never, ever get over him. But I did. I moved on and had another relationship. I was shocked I could have feelings for another man. I somehow had the idea that I could only ever love one man, my soulmate. Then I ended up with a much better man. Totally surprised myself on that one.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Dec 19, 2012 11:30:14 GMT -5
Most married people were in love with somebody, now they aren't, and they have to share a bed every night. ...and how lucky are they IF that partner's feet aren't cold!!!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 19, 2012 11:36:27 GMT -5
Keep that in mind when dealing with him. You sound like you have a richer social circle than he does. So, nothing to be embarrassed about.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Dec 19, 2012 11:39:14 GMT -5
Dec 17, 2012, 8:03pm, Dark Honor wrote: Most married people were in love with somebody, now they aren't, and they have to share a bed every night.
...and how lucky are they IF that partner's feet aren't cold!!!
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