Resolving Arguments Between Spouses

[KaraBoo]

How do you resolve an argument between yourself and your significant other?

I would think.....ideally......the two spouses talk civilly to each other until an understanding is reached about the specific issue.

However, I know that in reality the issues are usually not so cut and dried and wrapped up neatly with a bow. In cases that I know of there is screaming, gnashing of teeth, and hand wringing. There may be guilt thrown in, insults made (maybe about the person, the issue or something totally un-related as a deflection move), and martyrdom applied for. Tears may flow, bowls may be thrown (that might or might not miss....depending on who we're referring to), and silent treatments applied.

I know that in my case - I cannot leave an argument/issue alone until it has been resolved in my mind. That might mean we've come to the realization that the argument is stupid and we let it drop - or it might mean we argue about it for a week until we come to an agreement on how to handle the issue the next time it happens.

I've come to learn in my DH's case - once he's done, he's done. He will not argue any more. And if that means he'll cave to what I want, that's what he does. Which is not what I want him to do - I want him to help me figure out a way to compromise with each other where we both figure out a way to be equally satisfied or miserable - makes no difference to me, but I'd prefer us to be equally satisfied to a certain extent.

Many times because of his preference to drop the issue, we end up arguing more because it's not resolved for me.



So what kind of arguers are you and your significant other and how do you cope with a style that is different from your own?

[Deleted]

I really crave resolution too.

This said, growing older I have learnt that sometimes you just have to sit with the discomfort for a while.

Hope this helps.

[susanb]

DH and I go to marriage counseling periodically (and plan to keep doing so for years to come). Our marriage isn't in trouble, we just want to improve our communication tools. We have some "rules" for fighting

1. couples that stay together fight, but they resolve their fights quickly. Knowing that makes us both more willing to compromise for the sake of a quick and fair fight.
2. swearing is okay. name callings is not.
3. either of us can call a time out at any time. that time out must be respected, but the person asking for one also has to select a time to resume the discussion.
4. it is okay to laugh and make jokes when we fight. we don't make fun of each other, but if we can add some levity, we do.
5. we try to acknowledge where the other person is coming from and clarify with "what I hear you saying is...." it sounds cheesy, but has worked wonders for us
ETA: 6. We stay in the here and now. Lots of us have feelings from things that happened years ago with our spouse or before we even met our spouse. Repeating the stories that explain why we feel the way we feel doesn't help us to resolve things that are happening in the present. This is the latest thing we have learned.

[KaraBoo]

Thanks for your response Debt!

Susan, I love your list! Did counseling help with the list or did the two of you discuss it on your own? If so - how did you do it? One of the issues I have with DH is him calling himself names (i.e. I guess I'm just an a-hole husband then) as a deflection tactic. Most of the time I catch it and am able to ignore the bait, but sometimes I don't (usually I respond with - I didn't call you that, but I'll agree you're acting like one!).

[susanb]

Glad you like the list, Kara.

We can't take credit - it is a list of what worked from us from three different counselors.

As far as when someone calls themselves names or tries to put words in your mouth, our counselor has advised us to say.

"That isn't what I am saying. Is that what you are hearing?"

If they he says yes, take him seriously and ask him for what you are specifically saying that is offensive. Then, instead of getting defensive, acknowledge (I am sorry. I see that what I said hurt you.) and problem solve (I am going to stop saying x. I don't think you are an asshole and I don't want to communicate that to you).

Anyhow, I am not a counselor, but this advice has helped us to stay focused on problem solving.

[Malarky]

DH and I are mostly on the same page in life. We hold the same values in life/child rearing.

BUT...We come from vastly different backgrounds. I come from outhouse poor, he comes from private school in the Boston burbs. Not that his parents could afford it, his stepmother is a poser.

So we worked our butts off and can afford to live the middle class lifestyle-all of our needs and a whole bunch of our wants.

So it turns out that I will pay for experiences, not labels in our affluent community. I think that it is way more significant that DD can say, 20 years from now, that she went to the Grand Canyon, rather than that she wore American Eagle in high school. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't appreciate the difference today.

[KaraBoo]

Lone - I'll agree that my DH doesn't like to do this sort of thing! As far as other guys, I can't say for them.....

Susan - I appreciate you taking the time to type it out. I haven't done exactly what you've posted, but it was close (most of the time - like I said, I'm occasionally guilty of adding fuel to the fire.... ). This does go deeper than what I do though, so I'm going to try it the next time it happens. Thanks!

[KaraBoo]

Malarky - does your DH have a problem with paying for the experiences rather than the objects since he grew up differently? Has he changed his way of thinking - or is this something that you're mainly having an issue from DD about? (I ask because I have my youngest step-daughter being very much into her looks rather than her experiences right now as well.....).

[Deleted]

KaraBoo, I am probably the most impatient person in the world. Seriously!

But I really do believe that things do have a tendency to decant, or work themselves out with a bit a time.

[Peace Of Mind]

It depends on what the argument is about. Most are just petty, silly stuff and we just move on. The big ones we yell and argue and then I'll call him a name or compare him to his mother or he will mock me in some fashion and we both end up laughing our asses off. Then we do it again when we get bored which is usually about 3-6 months. And the premise of the argument is always the same "He doesn't listen" or "I'm being too picky/bitchy". The topic of said issues are usually irrelevant. It's worked for us for 25 years. ;D

[Malarky]

Sept 16, 2012 17:20:35 GMT -5 KaraBoo said:

Malarky - does your DH have a problem with paying for the experiences rather than the objects since he grew up differently? Has he changed his way of thinking - or is this something that you're mainly having an issue from DD about? (I ask because I have my youngest step-daughter being very much into her looks rather than her experiences right now as well.....).

I got distracted by stuff here at home and posted before I finished my thoughts.

Despite the differences in our upbringing and the differences in the money aspects of our lives, we seem to be both on the same page when it comes to money and kids. His stepmom insisted in living in an affluent town where they always presented as the poor kids. Yet stepmom insisted that the boys go to private school and the girls (DH and his two older sisters' Mom died and were raised by younger bro's Mom) were only smart enough to attend public school. The girls attended public school.

And no, DH doesn't mind paying for experiences at all. Before we ever had kids we had the conversation about how they should be educated. He would have preferred a public school education for himself, that's what we chose for our kids.

That being said, DS and DH don't ever need "things". As long as they have internet access, they're happy. DD and I on the other hand, are a bit needier.

We like to go places, and do things. I'm much more likely to pay for hotel and gas and the entry fee to an event when we go somewhere without complaining than cough up money because "I want to go to the mall and meet my friends..."

And yes, up to a point, we put time and money into our looks. But much more into being healthy than being pretty. Our biggest expenditure for skin care over the course of a year is for sun screen to protect our lily white Irish skin.

Which does not in any way answers Karaboo's question.

We just talk it out Ad nauseum. And talk it again. Til we either one sees the others point of view, or one of us changes or caves. I think mostly we agree.

I'm not sure if we got to the unhealthy "whatever" point of view or we really do agree on most issues, but we rarely disagree these days.

[Deleted]

I am so easy going that i am sure my spouse has no difficulties with me!

[Deleted]

But, really, we usually jaw at one another a bit and then both of us just go do whatever the Heck we please!

[raeoflyte]

I look forward to everyone's responses.

Dh wants to talk, yell, fight, right in the moment until it gets resolved. If it takes broken dishes to get through the issue, so be it. On the other hand I shut down if something is too emotional. To dh my behavior meant that I had completely given up on him and that he wasn't even worth arguing with. It took a long time to even get that far.

Dh knows that I lose it over raised voices and am incredibly sensitive to tone and body language. I am trying to tell dh when I'm too upset to talk about something and that I need time to calm down and organize my thoughts.

We've found that texting our problems and feelings to each other is helpful. Its short and immediate so we can't write a book of everything else the other person did wrong, but it takes out tone and makes us more aware of our words. A couple weeks ago dh made a mean comment about the condition of the house one morning before I left for work. I thought about it for a few blocks, and then was able to call him and tell him how much it hurt my feelings. It was much better than stewing in it all day and it helps to give dh an example of how his choice of words affects me.

We need to make another marriage counseling appointment before the baby gets here. It's our pre-emptive strike to try to keep communication open before we rock our little worlds again.

[Malarky]

Sept 16, 2012 18:18:02 GMT -5 @shooby said:

I am so easy going that i am sure my spouse has no difficulties with me!

<<snort>>

Posted in the most delicate, soul enriching manner possible...

[Deleted]

I guess i don't understand the need to "resolve" an argument. I mean, when does "resolution" occur? The reality of life is that no two people are going to agree on everything. We just agree to disagree. There are hills to die on but most things are just not worth trying to make the other person acquiesce or "agree" with you. There are issues we will NEVER agree on. Most stuff really just doesn't matter a hill of beans in the end. Yes, there are times we fight, but i find that it is much MORE productive to just speak your mind, and then DROP it. Let it go. ANd, yes, right after you drop it, you might still feel angry and annoyed with your spouse. But, if you just let it go, then you will get over it faster and more effectively than fighting to some sort of "resolution". Now of course, there ARE things you do need to fight about and each person has to decide for themselves what those issues are.

[midjd]

DH is one of the nonconfrontational types who would rather say, "Fine, we can do whatever you want" than have an argument. This drives me CRAZY - I'd much rather hash it out.

We will usually each speak our piece for a few minutes and then try to find some middle ground. Usually we can negotiate tit-for-tat - e.g. he wants something I don't, he gets it if he does something *I* want. And vice versa.

We used to get into some real knock-down-drag-outs (not literally - although I have been known to throw things) but I think we're either too old for that or just know that it's not worth it. At this point, we can work 99% of our differences out without even raising our voices. Took us about 8 years to get here, though.

[swasat]

In our marriage, I am the talker, DH is the more reserved one (comparatively speaking). So, obviously, I am the one who gets all heated up. He hardly ever loses his temper. He is one of those really calm guys for whom it takes a LOT to get rattled up. And that is what used to bother me the most. Here I am all furious and upset and he is sitting there as calm as can be. How could he? How dare he? Why doesn't he feel bad that I am so mad?

It took me a while to realise that he does get upset or furious at times but he controls his temper and lets it dissipate over time. He also finds it easier to talk to me when I am nt boiling with rage. So he just tries to let me be.

After more than 10 years of marriage we have both come to a kinda of understanding. I know he doesn't want to continue reasoning when I am angry. So I try to take a deep breath and give myself 2 hours before I will speak to him. If I am still bothered I tell him and we talk it out. 9/10 times I have cooled down enough that the disagreement gets resolved pretty quickly.

If DH is upset about something then, instead of just sitting and brooding about it, he now tells me he is upset and about what. He usually doesn't want to talk about it a few hours later.

Sigh.....there are still times (thank goodness they are quite few) though when we really duke it out. I mean REALLY duke it out. The making up part is what I like the best about these incidents. ;D

[susanb]

Sept 16, 2012 18:26:09 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

We need to make another marriage counseling appointment before the baby gets here. It's our pre-emptive strike to try to keep communication open before we rock our little worlds again.

Do it! The more DH and I go to counseling, the more satisfied each of us are in our marriage.

I still have complete meltdowns and act like a fool. So does he. We just don't do it at the same time anymore. Though it sounds like a lot of you were already mature enough not to flip the f out before counseling.

[Phoenix84]

If neither side can be convinced, then you compromise and nobody gets everything they want.

Another thing Iv'e learned over my lifetime is some hills just aren't worth dying on. I choose my battles carefully. So I may be the tpe to "give in" a lot, when I do go up to bat, I fight hard.

[Peace Of Mind]

Sept 16, 2012 19:41:17 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

If neither side can be convinced, then you compromise and nobody gets everything they want.

Another thing Iv'e learned over my lifetime is some hills just aren't worth dying on. I choose my battles carefully. So I may be the tpe to "give in" a lot, when I do go up to bat, I fight hard.

I thought you were single. Did you get married? Congrats! if so.

[KaraBoo]

I appreciate everyone’s responses so far!

Rae – DH and I had a similar issue with misunderstanding each other during arguments. When I’m overly emotional – especially angry – I cry. For years, DH thought I was trying to manipulate him into feeling guilty and caving – which he would do to keep me from crying. It took several conversations while we weren’t in the middle of an argument, while I could talk calmly and rationally and without crying, for him to realize that my tears are tears of anger. The tears appearing still bother DH, but he knows now that I’m not trying to manipulate him and he ignores them for the most part (although I can tell it still bothers him and I just get madder at myself for not being able to stop them, so I cry harder!!).

I like the idea of texting – maybe I will suggest we try that next time we’re mad at each other. It’s hard to say something hurtful in the heat of the moment when it takes so long to type out!

Shooby – I realize what you’re saying and I have been trying harder to let minor things go that bother me. For me, when the argument requires a resolution in my mind, it isn’t so someone “wins” and someone “loses”. The resolution for me helps to provide a roadmap (so to speak) for future arguments. If we resolved *that* by doing *this* - maybe *this* can be resolved in a similar manner – it at least provides a starting point. I hate arguing (but love debating), so this is where I stand…..

Mid – That’s where I’d like to get with my DH – hashing things out without raising our voices. We’re still working to get there, 10 years and counting. We are making progress though!

Phoenix – That’s how I am too. I don’t argue about a lot, but when I do, I’m passionate about it! I fight hard for my beliefs!!

If I missed anyone – I’m sorry – I do appreciate everyone’s comments. Keep em coming!

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Sept 16, 2012 16:32:55 GMT -5 KaraBoo said:

How do you resolve an argument between yourself and your significant other?

So what kind of arguers are you and your significant other and how do you cope with a style that is different from your own?

We don't really argue. (At least not so far!) It may take us a period of time to reach an agreement, a concensus, or a compromise ... but we haven't yet fallen into the pattern of raising our voices, yelling, insulting, etc. In the end, after all discussions are complete, if we cannot reach a mutually-agreeable joint decision, my wonderful DH has the final say (since he's the head of our household.)

It works for us.

[cronewitch]

I am mostly silent and think a long time before saying anything. Once I decide what I want from him and what happens if he doesn't comply I will talk about it. Normally I don't argue or complain so if I need to say something it is serious. I don't call names, bring up other topics or get angry and am careful not to say hurtful things. I don't allow him to either, discussions should be respectful.

My ex used to throw in things like that I was just like my father when it wasn't about that. I would just say that isn't what we are talking about and get back to the topic. I refuse to deal with home than one thing at a time.

Some things aren't open for compromise like moving to a new city but they don't need resolved in a single discussion. After arguing for an hour or so it is time to stop. Once he wanted to leave Detroit and I didn't want to move. He ended up saying he was going for a drive, I said me too. We only had one car so went together driving half way to Chicago before turning around to go home. That was 1976 and I agreed we could move but told him to pick carefully because it was my last move. He picked Seattle, I am from Seattle, we met in Seattle. Later he wanted to move again and I said if you do you go alone. He knew I meant it so no argument needed, we bought a house here, I would have allowed him to move alone and he knew it.

Now with ISO we don't need to argue at all since we don't share money or children. I will decide where I want to live and he can come or not.

[KaraBoo]

OK.....while I know no one asked....DH and I finally came to a resolution to our argument from earlier today (it's been going on since 10am!). It basically began with a conflict in schedules for something DH wants to do vs something I want to do vs our kids school activity schedule that is a month away. One of us had to be home to take care of the kids activity - but both of us aren't required.

DH's activity is planned every month for approximately the same time frame (it's on a regular schedule). My activity is a once or twice (at most) a year event that is planned when is mutually convenient for the majority of people involved.

DH's argument is my group knows when his activity is scheduled, if they want me to attend their event, they shouldn't schedule it on the same day as his event. His event requires maximum participation for club ranking. He has already had to miss some events this year due to work related activities - besides, he missed an event last year for a kid's event, this year is my turn. His event is something he is very passionate about. I very rarely ask him to skip his events because of how important attending is to him. He wants me to attend the events with him and share his passion because he wants to spend time with me. I have no desire and have finally (I hope....it took several years) convinced him that me not wanting to attend doesn't mean I want to be away from him, just that I have no desire to participate and I will only make his experience dreadful.

My argument is one person (me) shouldn't be dictating to the group when the group activity is held once/twice a year. As this year, it was only scheduled once, I shouldn't be made to feel guilty wanting to go when he attended the majority of his events this year. I also pointed out that the kids should be coming first, not our events but that I had already been to everything kid related this school year while he already skipped out this weekend to attend his event (school's been in session 3 weeks now).

Our "resolution" wasn't actually a resolution. As always, DH caved because he was tired of arguing with me. That of course just made me feel guilty because that's not what I want from him. We cooled off, dealt with another issue and briefly revisited the "issue" after many hours. I asked a couple of questions related to his activity about why it was so important for him to be at EVERY one. The more he started explaining, the more questions I started asking and he didn't have answers for. He called his club president for clarification. Turns out, the issue he was making a big deal out of for participation results in a trophy......

Yes....we are arguing over a trophy and bragging rights for DH - which at this point in the year, DH isn't even in the running for..... The big part of his club that DH wants to be included in, he doesn't even have to participate for - he just has to pay his dues. If he pays, he plays. By the time DH was done talking to the president, he realized that his argument with me was based solely on the premise that he's been insisting on this for all these years....because he wants to do it - not because it's required.

We are both back to talking to each other and I have my "resolution". Not because I "won" - that's not it - for me it's because we both have clarification as to the real issue. DH knows that I'm not trying to keep him from his monthly activities, just that I shouldn't have to cave on my occasional activities because it conflicts with his. The reality is we make a lot of sacrifices for him to be able to attend his....to realize his ultimate "goal" is worth a trophy...is well...kind of lame....(no, I would never tell him that!). He realized that keeping me from my event wasn't hurting his event and is now good with missing his event due to the reality, not his perceived reality. He would still rather go, but isn't making an issue out of it any more.

[Phoenix84]

"I thought you were single. Did you get married? Congrats! if so."

Nope, just waxing philosophy

Everyone's life has conflicts, not just spouses.

[Peace Of Mind]

Sept 16, 2012 22:18:55 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

"I thought you were single. Did you get married? Congrats! if so."

Nope, just waxing philosophy

Everyone's life has conflicts, not just spouses.

True. But I was really hoping you got married! I'm a hopeless romantic and I thought you found your "the one". Maybe soon!

Kara - I'm glad you guys are talking again! It will work out. Just be patient and continue to discuss it until you wear him down.

[raeoflyte]

Sept 16, 2012 18:30:48 GMT -5 @shooby said:

I guess i don't understand the need to "resolve" an argument. I mean, when does "resolution" occur? The reality of life is that no two people are going to agree on everything. We just agree to disagree. There are hills to die on but most things are just not worth trying to make the other person acquiesce or "agree" with you. There are issues we will NEVER agree on. Most stuff really just doesn't matter a hill of beans in the end. Yes, there are times we fight, but i find that it is much MORE productive to just speak your mind, and then DROP it. Let it go. ANd, yes, right after you drop it, you might still feel angry and annoyed with your spouse. But, if you just let it go, then you will get over it faster and more effectively than fighting to some sort of "resolution". Now of course, there ARE things you do need to fight about and each person has to decide for themselves what those issues are.

Dh and I don't have a lot of arguments about things, but more about attitudes. We come from very different home environments and how we respond to stress is like oil and water. It's better to argue and figure out where the issue is so that we can hopefully avoid it next time.

[The Home 6]

Lucy, you and me both. I cry a LOT. I read Big Sarge's statement to the VA (really, I needed to proofread it! ) and it was spot on. I completely shut down and run away when there is any kind of conflict at all. I would rather go along to get along, as the saying goes, but then I'm not happy. And if one person in the partnership isn't happy and one is getting all of her (or his) needs fulfilled and just over the moon, then something is wrong.

[Sum Dum Gai]

How do you resolve an argument between yourself and your significant other?

Beats me. My wife and I are soul mates who never disagree on anything. We just sit around making sickeningly cute kissy faces and pet names at each other all day.

"I love you"
"I love you more"
"Nuh uh, I love you more"

Like that. It's really gross actually.

What?

Stop looking at me like that!