damn morals!

[queenofcorona]

I recently gave the guy I was seeing the boot because he used the L word and I just was not feeling it. (there's of course more to it than that) Anyway, he was recently divorced when we started seeing each other and was being very needy/clingy which was driving me batty. I told him I thought he needed a friend more than a gf (he's new to the area and doesn't know many people yet) and we decided to try that on for a fit.
Anywho. He's trying to transition but it's fairly evident he would rather we have a romantic relationship but I'm doing my best to keep things on the straight and narrow. We went to dinner last night and back here for drinks after. We're sitting at the kitchen table having a few brews and he offers to make & install custom cabinets (he's a talented woodworker). I'd need only buy the material (and beer). Ummm, how tempting! But, alas, I declined because I know I'd be taking advantage of him and the situation.
dammit! My house is old and I'm remodeling as funds allow (my dad and I doing most of the work). Do you know how hard it was to decline free labor and kick-ass one of a kind cabinetry???! ;D I'm still considering "letting" him help me install the hard wood flooring I've already purchased. Friends help each other out, right?

[rick]

Thats a tough one, I guess if you lay down the law and your expectations from the get go and he is ok with it them give it some thought

[queenofcorona]

I've reminded him several times we're only friends.
I turned down the cabinets by telling him I can't "cheat" on my dad that way.
I dunno, maybe when some time passes and we're both on the same page, I'll take him up on the offer. It could be a good sideline business for him moneywise, and he can show my cabinets as a sample of his work? Then it's almost like I'm doing him a favor, right?

[rick]

Yeah thats right, you ARE doing him a favor lol

[queenofcorona]

I'm kidding, but that thought did flicker through my head for a moment trying to justify accepting. Again, dammit!
It makes me feel better to know even the material would be a stretch since new furnace/ac are on my horizon this year. (lol, who'd have thought limited funds could make a person feel good?!!)

[rick]

I know a lot of times I offer to do things for others just because it makes me feel good, and by doing so keeps my skills sharp, so if he is really ok then I wouldnt feel bad about letting him help

[Tennesseer]

Queenofcorona-you are the woman on the rebound. And it sounds as if you know it.

Be honest with him and tell him you are not ready to go to the next step of being his girlfriend. Tell you are not ready yet to settle down. But do ask him if he will make & install custom cabinets and hardwood flooring for you and give you maybe a 10% friendship discount. I would imagine he could use the money having been recently divorced.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I'd consider his offer. It gives you a great deal on some excellent cabinet work, and it gives him some income - not to mention having your cabinets used as a 'display model' of his workmanship as a reference he can use for future customers. You've already set the ground rules for your friendship and if he can live with that and stick to the boundaries you've set, I'd take him up on it. You could also consider having him and your dad install the finished cabinets or the hardwood flooring together.

[ummboutthat]

OH! HON - have him do the work when your dad is around and the 3 of you install the cabinets. don't do the work when it's just the two of you. always keep a third or more people around.

[ummboutthat]

it doesn't matter what you do as long as he's going to be around - cause he is going to like you.

HELL I like you as I just met you.
it's the common interest factor.

[queenofcorona]

Nice thoughts on hiring him to do the cabinets, but like I said, furnace and AC are the major home project for this year (and are a need not a want - well, the furnace anyway and it makes sense to add central air at the same time). Cabinetry material would be a stretch and labor absolutely beyond my current home repair budget.
Tennesseer, I don't think I'm on the rebound as my last serious relationship ended some time ago and I have no regrets either about the relationship or it ending. But I do feel bad that I've hurt this guy because he's a very nice man - it was unintentional, we simply just don't feel the same. I genuinely care about him, but not romantically to the extent he deserves or wants. Once I realized there wasn't a future for us in that regard, I told him I couldn't offer more than friendship. He told me he understands and is OK with it .... But he also says he thinks I'm just afraid of commitment and undertones in conversation make me feel like he's humoring me and waiting for me to come around. Heck, I really might be commitment-adverse, but I'm certainly not trying to string him along. I've always been honest with him about where I stand. I've also stated that I don't believe his feelings for me are as strong as thinks - that they're partially situational based. I'm not trying to discount his feelings, but he was married for almost 20 years, and went from 0 to 80 in what felt (to me) like an instant.
LOL, thanks Hampton, you seem nice too. He's meeting my best friend tonight for the first time as she's coming to town for a visit and we're going to the local watering hole for likely too many drinks. I didn't invite him, he invited himself. She's recently been broken up with so maybe they can drown their sorrows together whilst I watch. Heck, maybe the two of them will fall madly in love, and then my best friend's boyfriend can make me custom cabinets and install the floor!
BTW, I'm afraid my dad would like him ... and then there'd be pressure from yet another source.

[ummboutthat]

geez!
double edge sward
damed if you do and damed if you don't

it is tough being nice to people!

[Deleted]

QoC, I've told you a thousand times that morals are the way we think other people should behave!

[queenofcorona]

Hmmm, I was always a lurker on MSN, but Miss R is one of my favorite posters ... And I think she's essentially saying it's ok for me to accept his offer! YaHoo!

[Deleted]

Yup. That's what I said. Now if somebody came along and asked you what they should do in the same circumstances, then you get all prim and sniffy and suggest that it just wouldn't be right.

The Golden Rule says screw unto others before they screw unto you ;D

[Miss Tequila]

Jan 29, 2011 20:01:56 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

Yup. That's what I said. Now if somebody came along and asked you what they should do in the same circumstances, then you get all prim and sniffy and suggest that it just wouldn't be right.

The Golden Rule says screw unto others before they screw unto you ;D

But I like getting screwed....

[verrip1]

And women wonder why men cheat on them all the time.

[queenofcorona]

Lotsa beer. Not friends.

[swamp]

Jan 29, 2011 21:24:59 GMT -5 verrip1 said:

And women wonder why men cheat on them all the time.

Am I missing the clues that my husband is cheating on me? He says he's at work, maybe I should call and make sure he's there.......Oh, wait, maybe he's cheating with his tech at work, maybe I should go visit him............

[Deleted]

Or maybe now is a good time to invite a *friend* over to, er, visit.

[bean29]

QueenofCorona,

Your instincts are correct. When I was much younger, my college study partner delivered a leather skirt and jacket to my parents house for me while I was away. He said it was "no strings attached"

It fit like a glove and looked great on me. My girlfriends saw no problem with keeping it. My male friends said that if I kept it the guy would have an "investment" in me and it would be impossible to get rid of him. My mother suggested that I send it back UPS, which is what I ended up doing.

I did have a hard time getting rid of him, he even later send a letter threatening suicide.

If you let him build cabinets in your kitchen, he will have an investment in your house. Don't go there until you are ready to have a committed relationship with him. If you are just dating then accepting that level of work from him is asking for trouble.

[Artemis Windsong]

I agree with Bean29.

Tell the friend you will consider his offer when you get done with the priorities on your list.

You can get darn nice cabinets at the big box lumber stores.

[queenofcorona]

Um, the cabinets definitely aren't going to happen.
He used that word again last night and I told him again I don't return his feelings and clearly friendship isn't possible. I felt like a bitch, but there was no alternative. Then he showed up at my place in the wee hours - despite the earlier conversation and the knowledge my friend was staying here. I was, and am, irked. So far today, 4 texts and 2 calls, which will remain unanswered. Having that discussion over and over isn't going to change the outcome. I don't understand why someone would ask you to keep repeating things they don't want to hear?
At this point, even if I had to store my kitchen stuff in cardboard boxes, I wouldn't have him build new ones.

[Deleted]

Wut wo. Not sounding good. He's not gonna turn into a stalker, is he?

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

<<I don't understand why someone would ask you to keep repeating things they don't want to hear?>>


Because they keep hoping for a different answer. I hope he doesn't turn into a stalker, that can be spooky.

[ummboutthat]

yea you're like rebound chick! and he's into you, which is gonna be difficult for him to let go cause he sees in you want he would like in a relationship. so until he finally gets to know more about the neighborhood, getting out more to meet other women. You're his focus!

see how being nice gets you into trouble..

[queenofcorona]

He was just here. I didn't answer the door. He hung out for 15-20 minutes in my drive and texted that I'm not playing very nice.
So, yeah, I'm getting a little creeped out.

[dmsm]

I have to say I would be careful until he decides to leave you alone. It may be like one other poster stated he is on the rebound and he may venture out and get past this. I hope so. If it turns any more freaky please let the authorities know.

[swamp]

Jan 30, 2011 17:31:05 GMT -5 queenofcorona said:

He was just here. I didn't answer the door. He hung out for 15-20 minutes in my drive and texted that I'm not playing very nice.
So, yeah, I'm getting a little creeped out.

You should be creeped out.

You should text him one last time simply that you want no further contact with him or you are going to the police, and then do it when he does. Keep a log of all the contact he tries to make with you and don't erase any texts, emails, or other messages, because stalkers usually turn it around to make it look like you are stalking them.

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

<<So, yeah, I'm getting a little creeped out.>>


Yeah, I can see why. I hope you're armed, even if it's nothing but a kitchen knife or a baseball bat. You may want to look into getting a restraining order, or just having the cops talk to him and tell him to stay away..