Favors for family - what's your view?

[chiver78]

Jun 11, 2012 8:21:08 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Jun 11, 2012 8:14:43 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

I'm with you, completely. between my parents, there wasn't much that they couldn't figure out on their own, but there were still plenty of things that got hired out.

My husband can do almost everything...but we are at a point where he doesn't WANT to do them. earlier in our marriage, I don't think we ever hired out. We were young, ambitious...and not exactly flowing with extra cash. And by "we" I mean him...I'm clueless when it comes to most home repairs...that's why I got married :-p

absolutely. my dad probably could have done the siding on their split himself, but it was totally more cost-effective to hire that one out.

I'm at the point now where I want to learn how to do everything I might need to do, in case I ever find myself in a position that mom or dad isn't available and I can't hire it out. it's not that I'm clueless, but when I was a kid us girls weren't allowed to play with the power tools. I wonder if that would have been different if there was a brother in the mix. who knows, but I've finally broken through to dad that he's not allowed to help me out anymore unless he shows me what the hell he's doing. ;D

[midjd]

I think for DH's family, the "bull work" also counts as quality time. As far as he's concerned, he just got to spend the whole day with his parents and sister - so some labor was involved, NBD. (I'm not a fan of manual labor, so I don't pretend to understand it )

[973beachbum]

In my family we are way too spread out to do much of this.

In DH's family we aren't close but that never stops them from asking anyway. I stopped it mostly many years ago. Not one person in DH's family has ever helped us no matter what, but we are always expected to do whatever they think we should.

So that was shut down a long time ago. Unless we happen to be up there and the person in need is an 80 year old I just pretend I don't hear them. ;D

[Miss Tequila]

Jun 11, 2012 8:31:30 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

Jun 11, 2012 8:21:08 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

My husband can do almost everything...but we are at a point where he doesn't WANT to do them. earlier in our marriage, I don't think we ever hired out. We were young, ambitious...and not exactly flowing with extra cash. And by "we" I mean him...I'm clueless when it comes to most home repairs...that's why I got married :-p

absolutely. my dad probably could have done the siding on their split himself, but it was totally more cost-effective to hire that one out.

I'm at the point now where I want to learn how to do everything I might need to do, in case I ever find myself in a position that mom or dad isn't available and I can't hire it out. it's not that I'm clueless, but when I was a kid us girls weren't allowed to play with the power tools. I wonder if that would have been different if there was a brother in the mix. who knows, but I've finally broken through to dad that he's not allowed to help me out anymore unless he shows me what the hell he's doing. ;D

My dad treated me like a princess on one hand, but also tried to teach me to do things like change the oil, repaire things, etc. I had absolutely no interest in any of it. I can't say I regret not learning because I still have no interest in it.

[Miss Tequila]

Jun 11, 2012 8:31:42 GMT -5 midjd said:

I think for DH's family, the "bull work" also counts as quality time. As far as he's concerned, he just got to spend the whole day with his parents and sister - so some labor was involved, NBD. (I'm not a fan of manual labor, so I don't pretend to understand it )

You also don't have young children...if I want quality time with my mother I invite her over so we can all spend time together....painting her house is not quality time to me and if I spend the day at her house doing bull work, I am not spending time with my children.

[Deleted]

Jun 11, 2012 8:31:42 GMT -5 midjd said:

I think for DH's family, the "bull work" also counts as quality time.

I think that's a big part of it for DH's family as well. DH's uncle, his sister, and I all painted DS's room and it was actually kinda fun. DH's aunt and I talked and laughed... and we actually did a decent job.

[cronewitch]

Jun 11, 2012 8:31:42 GMT -5 midjd said:

I think for DH's family, the "bull work" also counts as quality time. As far as he's concerned, he just got to spend the whole day with his parents and sister - so some labor was involved, NBD. (I'm not a fan of manual labor, so I don't pretend to understand it )

I agree with your DH that it is family time. My mom's fence was rotted out so it was decided we would have a fence party. Not sure who decided probably my brother. So mom invited her boyfriend and he and my other brother took out the old fence before we started. My little brother decided how to do the fence and I used my truck to go get wood and hardware. We all started nailing boards I mostly held the boards up and put a spacer between them since I am not good with hammers. Mom's 3 year old great grandson even helped nail boards that someone would start for him then go back after and give a couple more hits to check his work. Mom got to play with the new baby and pay for the lumber. We build a new gate for the neighbor since it was attached to her fence and they brought us over some Ukrainian food. We had a good time 4 generations of us and a couple of friends got mom a new fence fast and cheap and she didn't even need to decide on a contractor.

[MarleyKeezy78]

I help my Grandma and DH helps his parents, but we learned long ago that other family members will take advantage of the help and want you to come water their plants two to three times a week when we live an hour away when they go on vacation and they have neighbors that they are friendly with, uh hell no! Not anymore! Or one wanting me to pick her kids up a the private school she just had to send her kids to because I live fairly close to the school, uh hell no again! I worked full time ( at that time) and you are a SAHM at the moment, bite me!!! These are the same people who would not want to help you at a moments notice. No thanks

ETA: we also don't ask for help much, only when we moved. We are putting in a pool right now and DH and I are doing all the labor ourselves!

[Miss Tequila]

Jun 11, 2012 8:39:27 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

Jun 11, 2012 8:31:42 GMT -5 midjd said:

I think for DH's family, the "bull work" also counts as quality time.

I think that's a big part of it for DH's family as well. DH's uncle, his sister, and I all painted DS's room and it was actually kinda fun. DH's aunt and I talked and laughed... and we actually did a decent job.

The difference is that all of you are ok wtih that arrangement. Me, I'd be thinking about all of the ruined weekends I will have returning the favor. If it works for you and your family, great.

It is also more difficult when you are the handy one. My husband is one of those guys that can honestly do almost anything. Because of that, we were called on to help constantly...and we weren't able to be recipricated because not everyone can spackle, do electrical, plumbing, etc. Since we no longer do most of that ourselves, we aren't going to ruin our weekend doing it for anyone else.

[Deleted]

Jun 11, 2012 8:55:43 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Jun 11, 2012 8:39:27 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I think that's a big part of it for DH's family as well. DH's uncle, his sister, and I all painted DS's room and it was actually kinda fun. DH's aunt and I talked and laughed... and we actually did a decent job.

The difference is that all of you are ok wtih that arrangement. Me, I'd be thinking about all of the ruined weekends I will have returning the favor. If it works for you and your family, great.

It is also more difficult when you are the handy one. My husband is one of those guys that can honestly do almost anything. Because of that, we were called on to help constantly...and we weren't able to be recipricated because not everyone can spackle, do electrical, plumbing, etc. Since we no longer do most of that ourselves, we aren't going to ruin our weekend doing it for anyone else.

true, it's different when you have the handy one. It's like when everyone calls us when they have computer problems.

Sometimes I wish that we did live a little further away so that we didn't take/give so much help. I can't wait til DS turns 2 and hopefully we can send him to daycare/get a nanny instead of having MIL watch him. Because of that, I already feel like we're her bitch.

[Miss Tequila]

Jun 11, 2012 9:10:43 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

Jun 11, 2012 8:55:43 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

The difference is that all of you are ok wtih that arrangement. Me, I'd be thinking about all of the ruined weekends I will have returning the favor. If it works for you and your family, great.

It is also more difficult when you are the handy one. My husband is one of those guys that can honestly do almost anything. Because of that, we were called on to help constantly...and we weren't able to be recipricated because not everyone can spackle, do electrical, plumbing, etc. Since we no longer do most of that ourselves, we aren't going to ruin our weekend doing it for anyone else.

true, it's different when you have the handy one. It's like when everyone calls us when they have computer problems.

Sometimes I wish that we did live a little further away so that we didn't take/give so much help. I can't wait til DS turns 2 and hopefully we can send him to daycare/get a nanny instead of having MIL watch him. Because of that, I already feel like we're her bitch.

Yep...and that's the feeling that I hate...I hate feeling indebted to anyone.

[Deleted]

My view is that you help family if you can.

[lynnerself]

DH and I both come from families that help each other out on projects. Whether it's building shelves or laying sprinklers. Usually someone volunteers, generally no one asks for help.
Even now some projects, like putting up Christmas lights, might wait until the kids come home from college.
Unfortunately now the family is getting older and more spread out and there is less opportunity to help each other.