midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 10, 2012 13:45:06 GMT -5
This is one (of several) areas in which DH's family and mine are polar opposites, so it took some adjusting - for both of us. One of us has a very old school family where any problems are shoved under the rug, and no one ever needs help with anything. Moving some furniture? Hire a moving company. Need someone to pick you up from the hospital/airport 2 hours away? Call a taxi. This is not to say that they never help - but it's usually somewhat limited (short car rides, helping carry small boxes, etc.) The other family goes all out - both in asking for favors, and returning them. They helped us move ALL our furniture, build a 30' garden in our yard, and quite a few other huge undertakings. In return, DH and I spend a weekend every summer helping them house tobacco, and right now, DH is sitting in the bottom of ILs' empty pool, helping paste and roll a new liner. So while I'm enjoying the solitude at home, I was wondering others' views on this. Do you prefer the 'don't ask me to help and I won't ask you' method, or would you rather ask family to help - knowing that you might be asked to return the favor at an inopportune time? If you and your family trade favors frequently, does it usually even out, or does one side always end up doing more work? (In our situation, I'd say ILs help us more than we help them - but then, I haven't been breathing plastic fumes at the bottom of a dry pool all day )
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 10, 2012 13:56:35 GMT -5
My family and DFs is very much don't ask for favors. I asked my uncle to lay a floor and he wanted to charge me only 500 to do it. I paid him a thousand and gave him my leftover flooring to do his office area so basically another 2-3 hundred value of flooring. I thought that was fair but no one in the family seems to do anything for anyone without some expectation of being paid.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2012 14:10:27 GMT -5
Everyone in my family is very self sufficient. You do and handle your life yourself. I think that may because i have a very small family. It was only my mom, dad and me. And, we weren't in touch with relatives and stuff. My mom and dad of course, helped me over the years and now i am helping my mom, but that is it. My sister has always lived a distance away so we can't help one another even if we wanted too.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 10, 2012 14:27:14 GMT -5
Yeah, family size (both in numbers and physique) might make a difference, too.
My family is very small (just my siblings, mom, grandpa, dad/stepmom, and an aunt and uncle). Most are scattered across the country, and those members who are somewhat local are in their mid-50s and above with varying health conditions, not the best candidates to move a piano.
DH has 10 aunts/uncles and at least 30 first cousins, plus his sisters, BIL, and nephews. All the men in the family are built like lumberjacks (as are some of the women) and are OK with being asked to build/fix/load stuff - most have fairly manual jobs anyway.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 10, 2012 14:27:37 GMT -5
When it comes to family, if someone needs help, & we're home, we'll help. Of course there are times we've been unable to help, even if we'd wanted to, due to prior commitments, or work, but basically the extended family assists each other when we can. I've offerred money to family when they've helped on bigger projects. Some have kept the money, & others have torn up our checks. I guess we've kind of got a loose system, but it works!
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Jun 10, 2012 14:35:47 GMT -5
it depends on which part of the family, really. my immediate family has always been of the opinion that you help those you love, as long as you're not already booked to do something else. that extends to the couple of cousins that we are close to, and some very close family friends, and that's it. everyone else is pretty much on their own, and none of them have ever offered to help us out either - which is fine, because we don't really enjoy spending much time with those people anyway. for example, when I was chasing my tail trying to get a real estate checklist satisfied over the winter/early spring, my parents pretty much lived here. I bought all the materials, but most of the work was done by my parents (because I'm still learning half the crap they were actually doing) and I kept them well fed. when they can list their own house - they have discovered some issues with their title and some easements in the past year - I will be returning the favor without hesitation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2012 14:38:12 GMT -5
My parents are the ones that help everyone else. Their siblings do some things for them but it doesn't even come close to evening out. My parents have been very generous with me as well and I am working on returning the favour. I'm an only child and between the cousins we are pretty self sufficient. The cousins on my Dad's side would get a lot of help from me if I let them but I am not interested in repeating my parents tradition in that way.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 10, 2012 14:45:59 GMT -5
We helped some when we were all young usually with no offers of pay. I have had people like my brother help me move like after a divorce. He offered to paint my bathroom and patched a wall while I wasn't home. I paid him to remodel a bathroom once because he needed the money. I have gotten a last minute call to help him move because he found a truck to rent and only had it a couple of hours. His wife had 3 brothers and 3 sisters mostly married and I only helped load the truck the first day then was on a planned vacation. I did help clean the old house while the guys took the truck to the new house and unloaded. Her siblings helped all weekend hauling stuff in pickup trucks, then the guys quit and the women unloaded boxes and rearranged furniture.
Now we don't do much to help each other, his last move he hired movers and hired movers for mom's move. We did have a paint party for his new house because it was an emergency paint job, we wanted it all painted and new carpet in one room before he moved in so everybody painted a few days. Now we are old and in bad shape mostly, he has a bad back and his son has a bad back. But his daughter who is 40 today is getting divorced and he remodeled her new house working for months and paying for the materials to get her settled. He hurts bad after a day of labor now and hires someone to mow his lawn so I wouldn't ask him to do cheap labor for me. He still will help his son and daughter but nobody else and his son hires out anything he can.
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quotequeen
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Post by quotequeen on Jun 10, 2012 17:00:08 GMT -5
I am in the camp of don't ask unless you are really desperate, but offer from time to time when you can comfortably assist with something.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2012 17:27:05 GMT -5
Our "favors for family" fall into the category of mostly free stuff. DH and I really didn't need a freezer. So I gave it to my daughter, and her brother helped her husband load it into my ex's truck. My ex was going to help her husband unload it.
My ex-MIL gave my DIL/son a really nice leather sofa and chair. My ex-FIL died, and it was his office furniture as CEO. Again, ex's truck and ex's help unload it.
My son cut his grandparents' yard when he was in his teens, but he got paid $50 for it. They had a HUGE yard (multiple acres), but it was their yard and he was the grandson I pay $75 to have my 1/2 acre cut.
I worked in my ex-MIL's antique store and got paid in furniture. I never could have told you what I earned per hour. If I go there now and she needs a bathroom break, I get to work again for free. And if she is backed up wrapping, I get to wrap for free even if she's there.
It's called family, and we do what we can do. But everyone pays to be moved these days. We are all too old to move ourselves unless you are talking single items like the freezer or sofa.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2012 17:56:33 GMT -5
Mid we have NO family where we live, and it can get pretty lonely.
After having lived like that for yonks, sometimes we get a really kind offer, and sometimes we give one. I remember a friend (a close friend but she's especially my DS3's best friend's mom) calling at 4 am one night asking why we weren't home yet, they had come by to say hello. Turns out we were leaving for the airport, we were in Panama. She said, I'm coming to pick you up.
It was such a joy! Getting off the plane, being picked up by a close friend, recounting our trip. It was funny, she hadn't called once in the three weeks we were there, but she called as soon as we were in the car on the way to the airport.
My best would be a happy compromise. But if I had to choose between all or nothing, I'd happily choose all, at least for a time.
It can get pretty darn lonely in the "never" camp.
Also, that friend is a teacher, I wasn't one then, but I am now. Generally we have more time in the summer.
I have also taken time off work to help out a friend ... at the time it was my old friend whose parents were elderly but coming into Paris from London, and they were just dying to visit Giverny (Monet's house) but were too old to deal with public transport. So I took the day off.
They ended up becoming my in-laws LOL.
My advice would be, if you can do, do. If it gets too much, worry about it then, and do less if you need to.
But family is precious, as well as a PITA, and doing everything on your own can get very lonely. It's definitely part of the reason I miss my friends and family in the US so much, and hanker to go back one day.
When my kids were younger I had a group of expat friends, we'd do favors for each other. And we were really close, and it worked out really well.
But it never works well when it only goes one way.
My advice would be to do it, but set your limits as you need to, and sooner rather than later, because it's better to say no than to say yes and be bitter about it.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 10, 2012 18:13:06 GMT -5
My parents both came from large families: dad from a family of 12, mom from a family of 13. Dad's side of the family never helped each other. Mom's side of the family helped with anything and everything. When we moved to the city, they taught my parents to drive as neither knew how. Her brothers and brothers-in-law loaded up one of their livestock hauling trucks that they had cleaned out. The sisters and sisters-in-law helped pack.
When we got to the new house, by the time they left, all boxes were unpacked. My aunt had alphabetized all the canned goods, which my 88 year old mother still talks about.
I'd give anything for that kind of help from my sister, but it doesn't happen.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2012 18:13:19 GMT -5
oh Lord, this is the wrong day for this topic. I'd say only ask for help/accept favors if you won't get the urge to punch said giver in the throat.
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deantrip
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Post by deantrip on Jun 10, 2012 20:11:36 GMT -5
I come from a large and close family, we were almost always trading favors with Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents and such when I was growing up. My dad is a pretty decent carpenter for being a farmer, and he helped my uncle renovate a house several times in exchange for farm labor and auto body work. We still trade favors quite a bit, but now there is more money involved as well as my brother is a general contractor and an uncle an engineer, but we always get the "family rate."
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 10, 2012 20:54:06 GMT -5
In my family you don't ask for help. You do it yourself, or it didn't get done. You didn't hire things done, either. To ask for ANY help was a sign of weakness and failure. To pay for services was considered wasteful spending. Helping older generations was simply expected, no matter the situation.
And while you didn't ask, my family wasn't keen on helping others much either-like non-family folks, volunteering for charities, etc.
My DH's family has a better relationship with helping others. Favors are done, but there are boundaries, so people aren't getting used.
As I've gotten older I've gotten used to accepting help. Now I don't look at accepting help as failure, but rather I'm amazed at the number of people that care about us. Makes me feel rather grateful.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Jun 10, 2012 23:52:54 GMT -5
Message deleted by whoami.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2012 7:02:14 GMT -5
I'm actually really surprised at the amount of people who don't help family/don't ask for help. I thought that helping family is just what you did, even if you didn't really want to...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 11, 2012 7:02:47 GMT -5
Some families have different dynamics than others.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 11, 2012 7:05:14 GMT -5
My family is huge and is all about helping and expecting help in return. I am of the "I hire for everything" camp. I haven't asked for help with moving since I was in my 20's and too poor to afford a moving company. We did get help back then and it was mainly dh's friends that helped move us. We reciprocated when each of them moved. However, life is too short to spend every weekend helping someone else out. I feel an obligation to help my mom (you know, since she gave birth to me!) but beyond that I always say we are busy. My free time on teh weekends is too important to spend it doing everyone and their brother a favor.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 11, 2012 7:49:02 GMT -5
I have a larger immediate family and a large extended family. If you need help and people are available and/or want to help, they will. If they can't, oh well.
DH has a small immediate family and no extended family in town (closest is 2 hrs 1 way), if you need help, they will try to help.
Offers of money are usually declined. Offers of beer are usually accepted.
I will say I think we've FINALLY broken my MIL of insisting on paying for every little thing we pick up for her. Like a gallon of milk. I'm not taking your money for a gallon of milk. Or a box of pasta.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Jun 11, 2012 7:58:30 GMT -5
In my family you don't ask for help. You do it yourself, or it didn't get done. You didn't hire things done, either. To ask for ANY help was a sign of weakness and failure. To pay for services was considered wasteful spending. Helping older generations was simply expected, no matter the situation. And while you didn't ask, my family wasn't keen on helping others much either-like non-family folks, volunteering for charities, etc. My DH's family has a better relationship with helping others. Favors are done, but there are boundaries, so people aren't getting used. As I've gotten older I've gotten used to accepting help. Now I don't look at accepting help as failure, but rather I'm amazed at the number of people that care about us. Makes me feel rather grateful. how did anything ever get done if you couldn't ask for help or hire it out?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2012 8:03:11 GMT -5
In my family you don't ask for help. You do it yourself, or it didn't get done. You didn't hire things done, either. To ask for ANY help was a sign of weakness and failure. To pay for services was considered wasteful spending. Helping older generations was simply expected, no matter the situation. And while you didn't ask, my family wasn't keen on helping others much either-like non-family folks, volunteering for charities, etc. My DH's family has a better relationship with helping others. Favors are done, but there are boundaries, so people aren't getting used. As I've gotten older I've gotten used to accepting help. Now I don't look at accepting help as failure, but rather I'm amazed at the number of people that care about us. Makes me feel rather grateful. how did anything ever get done if you couldn't ask for help or hire it out? she said you did it yourself. I wouldn't give two shits what anyone thought - I'm not repaving my own driveway/fixing my own roof/repairing my own electrical work/fixing my own car/etc. If I don't know how to do those things and no one is willing to help me, I hire it out. If we could afford it we would have hired painters for the house, but we can't. So family is helping us to paint little by little. They helped us move into our home on Saturday and the only payment they took was food and drinks (which we happily bought).
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Jun 11, 2012 8:06:31 GMT -5
how did anything ever get done if you couldn't ask for help or hire it out? she said you did it yourself. I wouldn't give two shits what anyone thought - I'm not repaving my own driveway/fixing my own roof/repairing my own electrical work/fixing my own car/etc. If I don't know how to do those things and no one is willing to help me, I hire it out. If we could afford it we would have hired painters for the house, but we can't. So family is helping us to paint little by little. They helped us move into our home on Saturday and the only payment they took was food and drinks (which we happily bought). that's what I mean - there's stuff I KNOW I can't do. how did her family handle those things if it was viewed as weak to ask for or hire help?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2012 8:09:00 GMT -5
I think they just did it themselves and hoped that it would be okay.
No way would I be taking those kinds of risks with stuff that could kill me and my family.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 11, 2012 8:11:29 GMT -5
I'm actually really surprised at the amount of people who don't help family/don't ask for help. I thought that helping family is just what you did, even if you didn't really want to... There is helping and there is taking advantage. My commitment is to my husband and my children. I will not do something that takes significant amount of time away from them. nor will I help because someone is too cheap to pay for something. maybe I'm mean, but I also would never expect anyone to do any of that for me. Free time means too much to me.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 11, 2012 8:13:17 GMT -5
To pay for services was considered wasteful spending. I can see that...my dad is always bitching because we pay for things that he thinks we should do ourselves. But he is from a different generation and money was much tighter for him than it is for us. I also don't give a shit what anyone else thinks....I'm not goign to do bull work because someone else thinks I should.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Jun 11, 2012 8:14:43 GMT -5
I think they just did it themselves and hoped that it would be okay. No way would I be taking those kinds of risks with stuff that could kill me and my family. I'm with you, completely. between my parents, there wasn't much that they couldn't figure out on their own, but there were still plenty of things that got hired out.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2012 8:19:44 GMT -5
I'm actually really surprised at the amount of people who don't help family/don't ask for help. I thought that helping family is just what you did, even if you didn't really want to... There is helping and there is taking advantage. My commitment is to my husband and my children. I will not do something that takes significant amount of time away from them. nor will I help because someone is too cheap to pay for something. maybe I'm mean, but I also would never expect anyone to do any of that for me. Free time means too much to me. but where do you draw the line between helping and taking advantage? DH's family expects - EXPECTS - to help out with anything that's needed. And sure, they know that we will be there to help them out as well. My family is like that as well, but not to the extent that DH's family is. My family is also more spread out and likes their solitude. Still, when someone is moving, the ones who are available do come and offer their help. No one in my family is in the financial position to hire out things they can easily do themselves (move furniture, paint, etc.).
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 11, 2012 8:21:08 GMT -5
I think they just did it themselves and hoped that it would be okay. No way would I be taking those kinds of risks with stuff that could kill me and my family. I'm with you, completely. between my parents, there wasn't much that they couldn't figure out on their own, but there were still plenty of things that got hired out. My husband can do almost everything...but we are at a point where he doesn't WANT to do them. earlier in our marriage, I don't think we ever hired out. We were young, ambitious...and not exactly flowing with extra cash. And by "we" I mean him...I'm clueless when it comes to most home repairs...that's why I got married :-p
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 11, 2012 8:25:13 GMT -5
There is helping and there is taking advantage. My commitment is to my husband and my children. I will not do something that takes significant amount of time away from them. nor will I help because someone is too cheap to pay for something. maybe I'm mean, but I also would never expect anyone to do any of that for me. Free time means too much to me. but where do you draw the line between helping and taking advantage? DH's family expects - EXPECTS - to help out with anything that's needed. And sure, they know that we will be there to help them out as well. My family is like that as well, but not to the extent that DH's family is. My family is also more spread out and likes their solitude. Still, when someone is moving, the ones who are available do come and offer their help. No one in my family is in the financial position to hire out things they can easily do themselves (move furniture, paint, etc.). Only you can draw that line. I made the decision awhile ago to never spend my free time doing bull work that I can easily hire out. If I won't do my own bull work, I am not doing someone else's. We both work full time and the weekends are our family time.
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