Are you ever tempted to help?

[lynnerself]

There are a lot of threads about sharing information with co workers or loaning them money.
In my case I have a co worker whom I am friendly with. Currently she is serious financial trouble. Mostly due to her DH having mental issues and then losing his job. And she has a real loser of a family. She herself is pretty good with money, but they already have one bankruptcy. Mainly from debt run up before they discovered her DH was bipolar.
I am very comfortable at this stage in my life.
Here I am just back from 3 weeks in France and she is worrying that they are going to have their heat shut off.
I could afford to give (not loan) her some money. But I have such mixed feelings about it.
1. It would feel really awkward. Although she is a friend she is also under my supervision.
2. It probably wouldn't be that much help in the long run.
3. She needs to figure her own act out.
But is still makes me feel weird to have so much when she is struggling and I could so easily spare a little.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

[Peace Of Mind]

Yes, all the time. Including here. I think I once offended somebody (maybe two) by offering so I've learned to just shut up and try to answer their questions. LOL!

[dannylion]

Any time one member of a relationship gives money to another, it seems to alter the dynamic of the relationship, often not for the better. In your case, if it were me, I would not give money since she is under your supervision. That, I fear, would not end well. I think probably most decent people in your circumstances would feel an urge to help, but as you have already reasoned, this is unlikely to do her good in the long run.

[qofcc]

Do you work with my former co-worker? I used to work with a woman in just that type of situation. I had a repuation in the office for being good at creative problem solving and knowledgable about financial things and she asked my opinion occasionally about what to do about situations. Right before she was let go, she was having all sorts of problems trying to figure out how she and her bi-polar husband were going to pay the bills since he decided he was going to retire and started collecting SS at age 62 without asking her. I offered if she brought in all of her financial information that I'd sit with her at lunch and help her make a spreadsheet and so she could visualize everything and we could discuss some of her different options. She procrastinated, then she was let go and I haven't seen her since. I was willing to act as a sounding board, but no way would I have given her money. Another co-worker sold her a car for below market value to help her out one time. She was a really nice lady.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Sometimes, but rarely. Just my opinion, but most people don't really seem to get it until they've really really hit bottom. If you step in before that you're enabling not helping, and it'll frustrate the crap out of you when they "waste" the money by screwing up again right after you bail them out.

[Abby Normal]

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Yes.

Are you ever tempted to help?

Not financially. I get questioned all the time for advice and I'm happy to help with information or ideas on how to better manage money/ get themselves out of the situation. But I would never give them money. Not even my brother when he was out of work (mentioned on another thread). Sometimes, people just have to figure out a solution for themselves.

[Phoenix84]

If she weren't your employee and you treated it as a gift then maybe, but she is under your supervision so don't do it. You may not work for the government but from the outside that could look very suspicious or like you're playing favorites.

[Deleted]

The problem is that you really cannot help someone with a money fix in the long term. You might be able to help someone pay a bill or get through a month, but in reality, one person cannot fix the money problems of another. They have to figure it out for themselves.

[movingforward]

Jun 8, 2012 19:09:38 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

The problem is with most, in this kind of need, is that a little bit doesn't really help. Unless you can afford to give them a large amount, it probably won't do much good because they will be back in the same position in another month.

Also, I have found that once people find a money source they seem to get comfortable coming back for more the very next month. Unfortunately, I think this can happen even with people who don't intend to be a mooch.

[maryjane]

I have helped a couple of times. Once I sent cash and once I sent gift cards in the mail (both anonymously - I put "a good friend" in the return address). It felt really good to do something nice and not tell anyone about it (except for you guys now, but you don't know my real name so it doesn't count). It was also super fun to hear the person freak out about the anonymous gift! It took away the awkwardness and the worry that I would be considered a source of future funding as almost40 pointed out.

As far as if it helped long term....I can't really say what impact it had on either person long term. I can say that short term it was money well spent for the joy it brought to me as well as them.

[resolution]

I think you run into a potential conflict of interest with it being an employee. I have done that for an employee once and gave the money anonymously. It prevented the gift from messing up the employer-employee relationship. I only did it because it was a new employee that had been unemployed for some time and was just getting on her feet. An ongoing employee knows what they make and how often they will be paid.

If it is a one time cash flow problem, does your company offer advances in an emergency situation? You might try to get her an advance on her pay. If it is more a problem of too many bills and not enough income, then an advance wouldn't help in the long term but neither would your gift.

[movingforward]

Jun 9, 2012 6:03:16 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

I've left a $20 under a coworker's keyboard a couple of times. She needed a little help. She is a friend on my old team at work. She never said anything when she found them but she was happy for the rest of the day.

[lynnerself]

I have thought of giving in anonymously. But if it were over $100, which I was considering, I think she would figure it out, as no one else here would likely do it.
And even if I give several hundred to catch her bills up, it won't get her husband employed, help with her DDs learning disabilities or get her relatives living with her to start paying rent.

If I thought I could make an impact in the long run, I'd find a way to do it.

And we all learned from her problems that we are not allowed to cash out our 401ks here unless we leave employment.

[zibazinski]

Sympathize but stay out of it. You can't fix it unless you go overboard and giving her a lot of money is overboard. There are jobs out there, just not what he may want to get. I'm sorry the burden is all on her but she has the choice of telling him to get a job, any job, to help out. She chooses not to and also chooses to air her choices at work which should be a huge no-no. No one at work should know anything about someones finances.

[973beachbum]

Jun 9, 2012 6:03:16 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

I've left a $20 under a coworker's keyboard a couple of times. She needed a little help. She is a friend on my old team at work. She never said anything when she found them but she was happy for the rest of the day.

We had a friend who was going through something like this. It was a child's medical needs that caused the issue though. They had late and shut off notices for almost everything including the telephone, electric, gas, water etc I didn't want it to get funny with offering her money, so I went down to the electric office and told them I was there to pay the bill. They just asked the address and took my cash.

I am truthfully not sure if they ever actually realized that we did it. Their life was so chaotic they may not have. I do know that the electric didn't get turned off. ;D

[zibazinski]

DD had a friend whose family had a dad leave so things were chaotic, to say the least. We left them a grocery store gift card. Snuck over in the middle of the night, DD thought it was so much fun!

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Not to the extent you're talking about. Right now, my department boss is leaving effect June 30. There Will be a going away dinner next week at a nice restaurant. It will be about $25 per plate. Our secretary's husband got laid off two months ago, and they had just spent a great deal of money renovating their house. So, they're pretty broke. As a group, we didn't want to go to a cheaper restaurant, but we don't want to cause more issues for our secretary. So, three of us hae decided we will split the cost of our boss and her spouse's dinner and not ask anyone else to chip in. That way the secretary can hopefully still be okay going.

[Deleted]

I gave quite a bit of money to a coworker/friend.
She said she would pay me back but I told her to keep it and hide it for her emergency runaway $.
I doubt if she did that but I hope so because I think she still might need it one of these days. This was quite a while ago and she has never asked again and it has not changed my relationship with her at all.

[lynnerself]

DH and I have "loaned" money in the past, realizing that we would never see most of it again (we were right) and while it helped out short term, these people still had major problems that never got resolved.

[happyhoix]

The problem with giving money to this person is then if she continues to make poor financial decisions you will feel angry and frustrated that your money wasn't used wisely.

For instance if she gives one of her free loading relatives money to get his car fixed, you might resent that part of your money helped her loser relative.

I've gone the anonymous donation route before, with check cards to walmart, etc. Brought food to the house, bought school supplies, etc. But I don't think I'd give a co-worker any large cash amounts.

[cronewitch]

I like to help if a little money goes a long ways and not to fix a problem they can fix and it only puts it off.

Freecycle had a woman giving away puppies she found, I didn't want any. Turns out she couldn't keep them because after Katrina her mother and her mother's friend were coming to live with her. They only had the clothes on their backs. Her mother was my size and couldn't work so mostly was going to be staying home in a robe and slippers. I went through my things and found two nice empty suitcases and a beautiful warm robe, then went to Walmart and got her two night gowns, two t-shirts and a pair of slippers and a walmart gift card so her mom could get some underwear.

It was fun like Christmas shopping and the lady picked it up on the way to pick up her mom at the airport. She was delighted and sent me a wonderful thank you card.

I had a receptionist with 4 year old fatherless daughter and got her as secret Santa at work. I spent way over the allowed amount and got her a few things for her and her daughter. She had been on welfare and lived in a shelter and still didn't really make enough to do anything extra, for her a fun evening was making brownies with her daughter and reading to her. Someone put money in an envelope in her mail slot without a note just before Christmas.

[Miss Tequila]

I am never tempted to help.

[formerroomate99]

OP, how are you going to feel when your friend gives your hard earned money to her moocher relatives, doesn't put her foot down with her moocher husband, or does some other foolish thing? You know this is what will happen.

[Sam_2.0]

Once I did help, anonymously. I work for the utility, so I secretly paid the bill for someone that was struggling and couldn't get help through traditional means. I went to my supervisor with it so that I wouldn't get in trouble since it was with one of our own accounts. But I paid in cash so it wasn't traceable back to me. You could always call the utility directly & offer to pledge a gift to her account. They shouldn't be able to give you all the info, but you can let them know how much you wish to pay on the person's account.